Spin control

[boatbaby]

We had a group of little ones together recently and DS was the only boy. When he would get out of hand and shove one of the girls he was reprimanded inside out (in a GD kind of way) which I was fine with and I was right there trying to get him to change his actions. I always try to own up to when he's being a handful and try to do something about it.
When one of the girls kicked my DS over and over, HE was told to "move over and give her some space"! Which by the way he didn't and then he "got in trouble" again.

So I guess I am feeling a little mama bear about the whole thing and I am not sure what to do. At first I thought it was just me being over sensitive but DH pulled me aside today out of the blue and expressed concern over the same thing.

I feel like boys get a bad rap sometimes at this age.
When a boy is running around with a stick in the woods people think "uh-oh trouble" and when I see girls do the same it's more like "oh she has a wand".
When DS cries over not getting his way he is a "whiner" and a girl friend doing the same is "sensitive".

Any thoughts...?

[chicagomom]

I guess one could also flip it around and say girls get a bad rap because when a boy asserts himself he's being assertive and boyish but a girl is being whiny or bossy. I think it depends on the person doing the talking.

There are definitely stereotypes about boys and girls out there, and some people will fall back on them, just as they fall back on stereotypes about children based on their birth order or anything else.

[Jwebbal]

sorry, I don't see my son as having any different "energy". We don't stereotype on the basis of biological sex. I just don't see it, some boys are quiet, some girls are energetic, and vice versa.

[boatbaby]

I am not trying to differentiate based on sex... really I am just venting on a bad weekend. Sorry it came out the wrong way I guess...

[Leylla]

I can't really compare, as I was the only girl and I have all boys.

People do make comments like, "You must have your hands full since you have boys" or "Don't you want a girl to cuddle with?"

Like my boys can't cuddle or that a girl neccesarily would. I know for a fact that as a small child, and even today cuddling absolutely is the LAST thing I want to do. But trust me, my boys love to cuddle, and so does DH.

But yes, it is a two way street w/ what some expect of our kids. My dad used to rib the heck out of me b/c DS has dollies. Or that I would *gasp* bring DSes home in the same dress that everyone on my moms side of the family has come home in since the 20s.

Steph

[Individuation]

boatbaby, I don't have boys (yet, but I might have one on the way ) but I have noticed what you're talking about. I think it's very, very common. There's a lot of reverse-sexism that goes on with the kids of Gen-Xers, and I'm not a bit surprised at your story.

I don't think you'll get a lot of support on this one here, though. Just a hunch.

[Village Mama]

I get what you are saying. I have two boys, and while they arent really stereotypical, I really see what you are getting at.
I will even take it a step furthar and say that boys seem to " lose thier appeal" completely by the time they reach school age. I have come across quite a few things that are completely anti boy lately!

[marybethorama]

I've heard some negative stuff too.

Someone told me about a kids' birthday party where some boys were being very aggressive and were mean to some little girls.

From what I read it wasn't about boys or girls, it was that some of the kids were being aggressive and no one was redirecting them.

But it became all about how awful boys were

[lilyka]

Wow that is tough. The fact that he was the only boy probably didn't help the situiation.

I don't know what I would have done in that situation (Ok I would have teared up, taken my toys and gone home . . . ). The part of me that needs things fair would have wanted to stand up and say "no he does not need to give her space, she need to knockit off with the kicking". Or maybe next week if the situation warrents it "DS is feeling crowded when he hits you. if he hits you you need ot back up and give him some space." But i doubt that would go over well. I mean either the rule is that hitting equals a "hands are for soft touches and showing love. If your hands can't do that right now why don't yuo guys play in seperate parts of the room . . " or hitting equals "No hitting. that needs to stop now" end of story. Depending on how well you know these ladies and how much you want to carry on with playdates do you think you could just tel them what you told us here? they probably don't even know they are doing it. They may be as receptive to your observations as we have.

[Needle in the Hay]

That would have bothered me too. She's kicking him so he needs to give her space? What a load of... Help the kids get more space if they need it but I can't imagine reprimanding a little one who is getting kicked!

Yes I do think the more active, loud, running-around kids get a bad rap. The biological differences in boys do make it more likely they will be this way and be more aggressive in their play (not violent, but they tend to have more aggressive energy). I'm sure there are those who disagree. It just seems unfair to all kids not take these differences into account. To say differences don't exist because some boys are quiet and some girls are rough seems too simplistic.

Back to the OP, I would watch the situation closely and be ready to step in. I wouldn't be OK with my DS being reprimanded like that. At that age my DS was a huge (and wonderful) handful and it did get better but there were a few months there where I really needed to just watch constantly and carefully to make sure I knew what the deal was. It's too easy for an active, spirited kid to get blamed all the time so I needed to know when he was doing something and when he wasn't.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by boatbaby

When one of the girls kicked my DS over and over, HE was told to "move over and give her some space"! Which by the way he didn't and then he "got in trouble" again.

Wow. That would seriously bug me. :

I agree that active boys are frequently sent the message that their energy is something to be conquered - that they have no right to express themselves. And the assumption is often that they are out to wreak havoc. This sort of mentality is rampant in schools, which is why it was so hard for me to put ds in kindergarten (fortunately, it worked out well).

Have you talked to the other parents in the group about it? Also, it seems like you have a dynamic where you all guide each other's children. (I'm assuming that's the case, as it sounds like someone else was disciplining your son.) Perhaps it's best to shadow your son pretty closely for awhile and when a similar situation occurs (girl child kicking your boy), say clearly to the girl something like, "_______, kicking is not okay. If you need space, you can use your words and say so or you can move away."

[fortunecookie]

I am reading a book about this exact thing right now. It is called-

Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood
by William Pollack

It talks about how boys are treated differently, stereotyped, and expected to "tough it out", among other things.

[PrennaMama]

I think boys are more statistically prone to being the boisterous ones and such, and I have observed that boys are often expected to adhere to shivalry on some level... (the only boy in a group of girls? of course it would be him that has to make adjustments to his behavior and such when conflicts arise, he needs to be a gentlman with these girls! read sarcastically...).

When we were kids, my younger brutish boy cousins would harass me to no end, punching kicking and pulling my hair. When I screamed, I was the one who got in trouble for screaming. So, it goes both ways.