How to deal with new partners

[BabyBearsMummy]

Ok I am looking for advice on how to minimize the effects to my exs new relationship (and its eventual breakdown) on our daughter.

He has gotten quickly involved with a new woman who he has only known a few weeks. Who is looking for a Daddy for her fatherless child and who has told him she wants more children ASAP. Apparently he told her he wouldnt be ready for more kids for a few years but all it takes is "opps I forgot to take a few of my pills" and unfortunately the ex is very driven by his sex drive. Also ex has already began cancelling previous commitments to my daughter because it "doesnt feel right now" and is spending more time with the womans little girl already. Last week he said there wasnt new important in his life and wouldnt be for a while and BOOM this week instant family. : The new woman even called him and had him take a hour and a half bus ride across town to sit with her and her daughter in the middle of the night at the emergency department for most of the night for a minor skin rash. Conveniently the buses were not running at such a late time so he had to go back to her place to spend the night. HELLO shes trying to manipulate you into daddy position and her bed so she can have another baby. This woman has also begun to tell him that the AP style of parenting we have been using very successfully with our little girl is wrong and is damaging our child and he is listening. Also all the progress that we have fought so hard to make in co-parenting our daughter together is quickly vanishing during the time he has been involved with her. Apparently we are doing it all wrong even though it was working for our family. Also a smaller consideration is the fact that as soon as he enters a common law relationship with this woman (all it takes is his moving in with them) he becomes legally responsible to pay child support for to this woman for he little girl on top of any kidlets she manages to conceive. And he already complains his child support for his one child is TOO MUCH.

Ok that’s all the back story I can think of right now. How do I protect my daughter from the damage her dads new relationship is having on her relationship with her father. And how do I protect her from becoming too attached to the woman and her child when I can see the writing on the wall and know it will not last.

[meandmine]

I am sorry you are having to deal with that. I dread the day.

Couple of thoughts.

1) Does your custody agreement restrict the intro of a new partner for a period of time? Mine will. No new girlfriend to be intro'd for at least one year from separation and none intro'd in the future unless the person is a "serious" relationship. Not fair to the kids, otherwise.

2) I don't think just moving in together establishes any obligation under common law. I may be wrong, but I think generally the couple have to be living as husband and wife for at least 7 years (I couldn't swear to that). Even then, I am not sure that obligates your X to provide for the OW's child.

Hope she disapears quick so her influence can be minimized.

M

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by BabyBearsMummy

Ok How do I protect my daughter from the damage her dads new relationship is having on her relationship with her father. And how do I protect her from becoming too attached to the woman and her child when I can see the writing on the wall and know it will not last.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this situation. IME, these sorts of situations are what make being divorced soooo difficult and painful. It is a mother's natural instinct to want to protect our child(ren) from hurt.

Sadly, you cannot protect your daughter. You can support, be there for and comfort her through the potential ups n' downs she will go through with her father. Your stability, strong attachment and unconditional love will be what gets your daughter through any disappointments, frustrations and hurt.

We cannot protect or control every situation that might be painful to our children, unfortunately. But, we can support, assist and help them through those tough moments.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by meandmine

1) Does your custody agreement restrict the intro of a new partner for a period of time? Mine will. No new girlfriend to be intro'd for at least one year from separation and none intro'd in the future unless the person is a "serious" relationship. Not fair to the kids, otherwise.

This is so hard to enforce, sadly. I tried.

What determines a "serious" relationship? How long the relationship lasts: 6, 8, 12 months? Just because a relationship has been going for 6, 8, 12 months doesn't mean it will make it through the lifetime. There are no guarantees with any relationship.

Also, if you have those expectations for your X, do you also have to abide by them? As a single mommy, I can tell you it is not easy. My son is a HUGE part of my life that I cannot, nor will not, hide from a potential life-long partner.

A huge component of my finding a life-long partner is to see how he will interact with ds. I couldn't get "serious" with someone without seeing him interact with ds.

This is hard, complicated stuff. I have gone my own personal rounds with this same exact topic. Look through my past posts and you will find the letter I wrote to XH dictating, attempting to control, this exact sort of situation. Now, almost 4 years after his walking out...I can tell you that my attempt to control such situation had to do more with my anger, sadness, fear and hurt than anything else.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Holland could you please point me the particular message I would love to read it but you have far to many for me to read them all to find the correct one.

Thank You

[Holland73]

This is the thread:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=134547

For the record: The only guideline that withstood was that ds and I meet his gf, now his dw, before X took ds to spend the day/night with her. X and gf had only been together for 2.5 months before ds met her.

[BabyBearsMummy]

Originally Posted by meandmine

2) I don't think just moving in together establishes any obligation under common law. I may be wrong, but I think generally the couple have to be living as husband and wife for at least 7 years (I couldn't swear to that). Even then, I am not sure that obligates your X to provide for the OW's child.

Unfortunately for my ex this province has actually awarded child support to mothers when the birth father was absent and another man to up the fathering role support when the second marriage broke down. And as the relevant law is written in this province any couple living in a quassi-married relationship with a child in the house are automatically considered to be living in a common law relationship.

After a five hour discussion in which we talked about what we could both be comfortable with today I have also learnt that my ex felt in a large part that he couldnt enter a relationship with a childless woman and limited himself to women with children because he was concerned that he would appear like a bad father or like a hipocrate because he has children and therefore he should be limited to women with children. This seams a little self loathing to me. And that he was felt that he needed to enter a new relationship and was that he was lonely. Both him and I dont take romantic relationships lightly and are not dating type of people and would rather find someone to be our partner and spend our time with instead of playing the dating game. I know that well this is what I would do if I didnt have my daughter but now I must remember that i come second to my daughters well being and any men that come into my life will be added through a slow careful process it is my responsibility to do the best I can to minimize the damage a prospective partner might cause to my daughter or our relationship. He one the other hand admits that his sex drive gets him into compromised situations. He even said tonight that our relationship broke down because he was "cut off" ROFLOL I would have said that he wasnt cut off but there was a definate cool down but then again I also had a newborn. Funny he also questioned that maybe we could have dealth with everything better if my depression most likely PPD had been diagnosed and dealt with that we will never know but the damage is done and cant be repaired. Now we need to be the best parents we can be.

[BabyBearsMummy]

It is clear from talking to my ex frequently that he is clearing struggling with what he believes is best for our daughter and trying to please/apease his new girlfriend who clearly doesnt understand that and is only interrested in making sure that I am not a part of my exs life. It is clear to me that she is jelious of the relationship my ex and I still have because we are commited to what is best for our daughter. And clearly she doesnt understand the importance of my daughter having her mother and father since she has had to do all of the parenting of her daughter on her own and has never had to work with her daughters father on a parenting relationship.