Feeling Suffocated...

[cnfusd]

Hi Everyone,

I have posted on here a couple of times before about this. To give as hort recap...

My DH and I have recently separated (his decision) at the end of May. Back in Feb. he began an emotional affair with a coworker. He did so many things... I don't think that they ever slept together but it was definitely emotional. They worked together, talked on the phone at all hours of the night and other things that I can't even remember right now. He also gave her a purse that he had bought for me a LV. I never did use it so he went ahead and decided that he would give it to her since she already owned on and really liked the brand. This girl finally up and quit her job without a word to him (that's his story). Next girl is a girl that I went to hs with. They talked and emailed each other (still do). He invited her to go on a trip and she declined but later said that she could go on a trip with him at a later date. Well he spent a couple of thousand dollars setting this up. They will be going next month. He says they are just friends but will be staying in the same room... Does he think I am a moron?!

He stated that he was unhappy with me because I never "talk" to him, hold conversation with him, complement him, or provide him affection. He said that he was tired of it and didn't want to "work" on our relationship (hence the girls). He says that he feels that he is the only one that is working on the relationship and he no longer wants to do it. He also said that he didn't feel the same way about me anymore and the he wanted a divorce (which he later turned into a separation). He also says that I go to sleep to early and never spend time with him. He typically works til late evening.

I was so tramautized by the whole thing I eventually ended up losing respect for him (as he had for me). All this began in mid Feb. We (DS and I) moved out late May. I couldn't seem to understand what he meant that I don't "talk". I would ask him so what is it that you talk about with THEM?... He says anything and everything - work, kids, etc. Those are things we both talk about too! I eventually figured out that he meant that I don't provide him affection or compliments. I work 40+ hours a week, take care of our 1.5 yr. old DS, tend to the house, 2 dogs, 5 cats, and do bookkeeping for a business. My day started out at about 4:30 each morning and didn't end til about 10:30 or 11:00 pm. My evening consisted of feeding, bathing, playing, rocking, washing bottles, getting diaper bag ready, etc. that by the time that time came around I was so exhausted that I just didn't have any ounce of energy left. He would show up around 8 or 8:30 - didn't help with anything just ate dinner and sat on the recliner to watch tv. Never participated in teh care of our DS.

He said some pretty mean things to me during this time. One time he and I were having a conversation and one of the girls called his phone. Well he proceeds to talk to her and I stood there for a minute or so thinking that he was going to tell her that he would call her back or couldn't talk. He ends up telling me to "get the f*** out of the room"! I was hurt beyond disbelief! I just couldn't believe it! He didn't want to try counseling, he said why put off the inevitable... Oh, he also started dating before I even moved out.

He now seems to be having a hard time with it all. He has stated that he wants to work things out. Or moreso that I have to work things out since he hasn't done anything wrong. He says that if I just provided him with affection that all would be good. I told him that I was really hurt with the way he treated me and about all of the girls. He says that instead of looking at it and getting mad about it I should have stopped and asked myself, "what is it that those girls are giving him and I am not" and gone from there. I just couldn't beleive it! He told me that he did not want a divorce or us to be separated but that he said he did because he thought that it would make me realize that I missed him and want to provide him with affection. I ended up telling him that I wouldn't mind if things worked out between us. Which I don't (for the sake of our son) but I kinda feel like I want to take things with the notion of if things work out then they work out. Well he has been visiting us and I guess he is trying. He is trying to kiss me more and doing nice things for me. One thing he did say was that what he wants is for me to greet him at the door with a kiss when he comes home. Now that he is visiting if I don't give him a kiss the second he walks in he gets tiffed. THen he is trying to kiss me like every 2 minutes and wants me to reciprocate that with passion so to speak. If I don't look the least bit enthused about it he gets hurt and angry and tells me that I am not working on it etc. I am just feeling so smothered. I don't know what is going on with me but I just can't get myself to "get the feeling" to provide him affection. I don't know if its the resentment from the other girls, the mean comments, or what! He keeps telling me that he loves me and really wants to work things out but everytime he comes over if I don't act the way he likes he leaves all upset. My stomach gets so knotted that I feel like throwing up everytime I know he is coming over. I am just so confused. Am I just having resentment feelings, do I still love him in that way... I just don't know... The weird part of it all is that I am kinda enjoying my new place, not worrying about anyone else, etc. We have been married for 12 years. Got married really young. I have never been on my own or anything like that. Like right now, I know that he is going to be upset because I have not called him or texted him all day. I am dreading it.

Anyway, I am so sorry I am rambling. I am just having a hard time going through my feelings. I am sure that I have left stuff out but this is the gist.

:

[13moonmama]

H

[13moonmama]

Hey there. Read your whole message. I also got married young, could never be alone... and guess what? I am LOVING it. Who would have known?

Whoa! Is what I've got to say. How can your show him passion and affection after what he's done since February? Mama, If my husband got a bunch of girlie friends and put me on the back burner, without making me feel like #1, I wouldn't be greeting him at the door all in love. Truly, that would repel most women. Who know's if he's had sex with one of them during this time?? He's dated someone, is still going in a trip with someone, and you're suppose to treat him like he's such a special loving guy and deserves you? :

He says that he did it all to make you try harder....: I really find it hard to believe that that is the TRUE reason. I think the true reason is because he's selfish and maybe you are looking pretty good to him for some reason, something in his life, that you don't know about....?

I am a little jaded as you can tell, but I instantly can't stand a guy who easily does all those things you listed. My ex wanted to break up with me In April 2006 when I was 5 months pregnant. I cried for a whole month and wanted him back so bad. So, he missed his son and got back with me. (although he never wanted to be with me, never had passion for me from the beginning.) Well, he said I need to let him have friends that are girls. (note that he has a history of sleeping with girls that are 'just friends.' I trusted him fully. He met a girl that who did massage, and they traded. Turns out she had a thing for him. One time when we had a fight, he was going to go hang out with her, left and everything and was going to spend the night too, then changed his mind and drove back home. Then he met a girl at work, who he said was 'really ugly' and said that she had a crush on him, but that she was like a 'dude' to him. So they hung out, and he even spent the night at her house a few times. Well, it turned romantic, weather he intended or not. You don't know how the friends feel, and this friend from work, pined after him for almost a year. It didn't matter if he had a wife, 2 kids, one of which was a newborn. Then she called me and told me that they were having sex. She wanted to know if he was still having sex with me. We were kind of broken up, but he WANTED ME BACK at the time. JUST LIKE YOU! : Be careful.

I know you have a kid, and when I first broke up with my dh, I thought, well if he changed, I wouldn't 'mind' if it worked out, he has great qualities. And some that REALLY suck. Plus he's what is comfortable and vice versa. He probably feels like you are comfortable and the reality of getting to REALLY know someone new has set it and it's not what he's used to. The rush has worn off with my ex and he said he's been thinking a lot about us, and being about to make it work.

But.... I've been happier then I've ever been in my whole life. 4 months after the break up, there was a small chance.... But at 7 months... heck no!!

Your husband sounds very demanding and really hissy fit like for you not playing the roll. He wants connect, he wants whats real, he wants you on the inside, but.....? Somehow can't see where he's done anything wrong and how that might effect you in a way that you just simply can't 'change.' Well he needs to realize that there on consequences for his actions. There's a lot of almost out there, and chances are, if you're having problems, just get out and be happy. You've already gotten a taste of it. For me, I've focused on my self more in the paste 6 months then I have in my 6 years with my ex. I have come so far, and love working putting ME first!

My ex just can't admit to being at fault ever. It's so childish and such a turn off. How can someone work on themselves and change for themselves of they are in that kind of denial. Instead of dissecting him, I think said, hey, it's not my problem. It's not suppose to work, he's not suppose to see the light when it comes to me. And I accept that he NEVER will.

For a while after the break up, I still wanted him to 'care' about what he did to me. But then, after he wanted me back, I though, I better not push it. I really don't want to hurt him and wanting me back is the last thing I need. I am fully fine with never getting that kind of acknowledgement.

I feel so flipping happy. Like all my dreams can come true, I feel light. I feel like the world is more vibrant. "Making it work" is like giving up my dreams. I got with my ex when I was 18 and I am 24 now. I wouldn't have chosen him if I had met him now. I am thankful for the relationship, it has made me who I am now, and has prepared me for the real thing. Since I was young, and he too, we made a lot of mistakes with eachother that certainly caused problems. He's 5 years older then me though. Although I feel I was always going to outgrow him. Another mom on here said one time that he ex needed to date young girls who would put up with his crap. Strangely enough my ex's girlfriend from work is 2 years younger then me.
I can't wait for the REAL THING!

With my kids, they don't see fighting and an unhealthy relationship, everyday is healthy now, and ya know? I sacrafice everyday for my kids, but somewhere you gotta draw the line. This my my life we're talking, and I happen to believe that I am setting the best example and doing what it best for them. Happy mama = happy kids. On a side note, my 4 year old ds, barely acted like anything happened or changed. We talk about Dad happily and we all do things together. He has never expressed sad feelings, but does tell his Dad he misses him and doesn't like when he calls and his Dad answering machine picks up.

Hope I helped in some way. Keep up updated. (Is my post long or what?)

[robinchap1]

Dear Confused,
1st... I just want to send you a hug. It sounds like you have SO much on your plate...

It's hard to give someone else advice about a relationship... but I'd like to offer a few things for you to think about.

It sounds like your H is very concerned about his own feelings, his own needs/wants/desires... yet there you are working your butt off, trying to take care of everyone and feeling so tired and confused that you may not even know what your own wants and needs are. This is not working on the relationship. YES... communicating your wants and needs is PART of working on a relationship... but only part. If he were truly working on the relationship, he would be checking in with how YOU were feeling about things, what YOU needed to feel loved, secure, etc.

You just sound like you're under SO much pressure...

And you know what, the girls... it IS a very big deal. And there is NO excuse. If he wasn't getting what he needed from you, then it was his job to talk to you about it, to seek counseling, to work with you to figure out what your marriage needed. The fact that he is blaming you for this... I hope you don't take this the wrong way... but I don't see it as a good sign.

Even right now. It sounds like you are working on your marriage on his terms only and it sounds like it's not working for you. He is demanding what he needs and you are miserable. That's not ok. And if he is working on the marriage then he should NOT be taking a trip with another woman.

I could go on and on... But the biggest thing I want to say is that you deserve to be treated SO much better. The kind of pressure you're feeling is a strong indicator that things aren't right. Listen to your gut, your body, your heart.

I also want to say... I don't believe you should make decisions about staying in a marriage for the sake of your DS. Yes... should things not work out and divorce happens, it will be tough on all three of you. BUT, what your DS needs is a role model. He needs a role model of a healthy relationship and a healthy way to treat your significant other. He needs the role model of being caring and compassionate, but strong and able to stand up for yourself. And even if he doesn't know the details... he knows enough to know if you are being walked on. And he needs a mother who is happy, secure in herself.

Anyway... those are just some thoughts. I wish you the best... I can't imagine how hard this all is. Be good to yourself.

Hugs,
Robin

[pranamama]

I got married young too . I don't miss my ex, and I have to say if my man left and was out with other girls, I'd change the locks and refuse to let him in my home. He has no right to be demanding physical affection from you.

[TAC]

What he is doing is emotional abuse. It is not ok for someone to demand affection. He is than guilting you into further affection and he is bullying you. You do not have to greet him at the door with a kiss, you don't have to do anything. He is a bully plain and simple. He is using emotional blackmail and you do not have to tolerate it. Greet him how you want to greet him and tell him this is you, take it or leave it.

Next he will be doing the same thing for sex and that is rape. No matter how you slice it. His behavior is outrageous. You should not stand for it. It is a red flag.

[MissLotus]

"One thing he did say was that what he wants is for me to greet him at the door with a kiss when he comes home."



If that right there doesn't send you screaming, nothing will! After the way he's treated you, he actually dares to say that? People in healthy, respectful relationships do not make such requests. I know this because my ex made similar comments, back in the day. He was horrible and disrespectful and openly abusive in several ways at the time, yet would complain that I was not affectionate enough..."didn't understand" why I didn't kiss him, etc. It was so sick. And what this guy is doing to you is sick, too. Don't let him! He can only play these games IF you let him.

[cnfusd]

Thank You all SO much!

Thank you girls for the advice and encouragement. I so needed to hear it. I don't understand why I let myself feel this way or better yet why I let him MAKE me feel this way.

It is so weird before I moved out like the last month I was so full of anxiety and wanting to throw up all of the time just because I had nerves in my stomach and now that I am out everytime I know he is going to come over I feel the same way!

When I told him that I was okay if things worked out between us he seemed happy. I told him that part of that included not going out with other girls and not going on the trip. Well this past Sat. he went out with a bunch of people both guys and girls to a club. I didn't know this at the time but me, my ds and niece (from his side) just happened to be near the house (where I used to live). I decided that maybe we would just swing by there for a bit (mostly so he wouldn't come over later). Well when we got there there was a silver car parked in the driveway and his truck was gone. I figured that someone had met him at the house and they left in his vehicle together. Well the next day, I asked him about the previous night - "what did you end up doing last night" well he did tell me he had gone out with a bunch of people and that he had met everyone there. I knew he was lying. Well last night I asked him what kind of car a particular girl drove (one he had been out with before) and he described the kind of car that was in the driveway. Well I ended up telling him that I had seen the car and such. Well he got so pissed that I had asked him that! He basically said that I had no right asking him anything since I wasn't "working" on working things out! I couldn't believe it!

I do appreciate your comments and advice. Being in this marriage has left me friendless I must say. I don't have any friends that I can count on or confide in so this place has been a great place for that.

[singin'intherain]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are so many fish in the sea! You could go down to your local county jail and find a better one than that! Please forgive my bluntness, but this guy is slimy!

[girrllie]

Sounds like he's totally cheating on you, physically too, not just emotionally (which is bad enough!). I do think marriages can survive that sometimes. Go to the message boards here and you'll see what I mean http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

But be forewarned - they're pretty conservative there. I'm not myself, but I've found some of the message boards and material helpful. My H cheated on my last year. It's painful and we're on the brink of divorce but there are some marriages that survive it.

[momof4peppers]

Originally Posted by cnfusd

Being in this marriage has left me friendless I must say. I don't have any friends that I can count on or confide in so this place has been a great place for that.

This jumped out at me. Mainly because this is often the first step on a long road (or a short one) toward physical abuse. And greet him at the door with a kiss? Hello! This is NOT 1950 - and Donna Reed was a fictional character!

Take some time to work on your relationships - the one you have with yourself and the one you have with your child. Once those are solid, then you'll have the tools to work on your relationship with the husband.

Good luck - and stay strong.

[MissLotus]

I truly hope you can get to a place in your life where it's not about what he's thinking or doing anymore...where it's not about trying to decipher what he meant or what he'll do...ugh. It sounds like he's taken enough of your energy and your time and your life and it needs to be about YOU again. He's just one individual, and a very imperfect, twisted one at that...life is so much bigger than him.

[Oceanjones]

Originally Posted by momof4peppers

This jumped out at me. Mainly because this is often the first step on a long road (or a short one) toward physical abuse.

That was exactly what I thought when I read that too. That is how it started out with my ex. Pretty soon things were really bad and I had no one to turn to. It was emotional and psychological abuse more than anything. Those scars run deep though.

They like to keep you isolated. It like a form of brainwashing to get you do what they want if you don't have anyone to say "WTF? That guy is a total loony. Run for your life!"

Don't take his crap. We're all here for you

[MissLotus]

They like to keep you isolated. It like a form of brainwashing to get you do what they want if you don't have anyone to say "WTF? That guy is a total loony. Run for your life!"

Very well put. My ex did that, as well...same pattern. If he "caught" me telling anyone about his behavior, he was mad that he couldn't control that, so instead he'd try to tell me that something was wrong with the person I was talking to...so that I wouldn't "listen" to them. And oh yes, that type of behavior certainly is a road to abuse, because my ex did that, too. It's like once they've lost respect for you, anything goes and the boundaries fall away.

[Oh the Irony]

just to echo everyone else...

what he is doing is emotional abuse.

and i highly doubt these affairs are only emotional.

check out www.survivinginfidelity.com great people, great library of articles.

those feelings you are having--LISTEN to them. that is what they are there for. they will get stronger and stronger until they have your TOTAL attention.

is he still in contact with another woman? if he is, he is being a cake-eater. don't let him!

damn, there is so much i could say to you.

[wytchywoman]

I agree with the other PP's. He sounds like a real creep. I just ended a relationship with my DS2 dad and he did much of the same thing to me. Isolated me from friends, expected me to be the sole keeper of his emotional wellbeing and self-esteem, etc... I never caught him cheating on me although I do know he was looking for playboy playmates in our town, whatever that means, so I know he was getting ready to. It wasn't until I moved out and the dust started to settle that I realized just how much that relationship needed to be over. I am finally at peace, I am not being picked on anymore, and life is so much better for it.
Your DH sounds like the same kind of man to me. It is one thing to want compliments and affection from someone, but to insist on it and then cheat when you don't get it is a whole other thing. Your DH needs to be responsible for his own sense of self-worth, not you and not his GF's. If I were you I would insist on counseling before any further reunification attempts are tried. He needs to be speaking with someone who will call him on his crap. I hope that whatever happens you find some peace in your life. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))