Dd's rebellion against bf.

[northcountrymamma]

So I know this happens...new people take up mamma's time and energy that she wants for herself. I understand it perfectly...just I don't know what to do about it.
I guess the background story is that I've been separated from h for about a year, started dating bf quite casually about 8 months ago. Over the last 2 months, perhaps 3, things have gotten quite serious and we are spending a lot of time together and trying to more and more encorporate dd into this time. He is wonderful, kind, respectful, understanding and compassionate. He is also quite patient with dd...regardless of how she treats him, which is often not so nicely, often with anger and tears and screaming (all things that I never see otherwise). She just isn't herself when he is around and when I try to help her talk about these feelings, nothing gets through, or rather, she doesnt give much in the way of a response. She is a VERY intelligent little three and a half year old. I know for some children her age that the kind of in depth explanations I give about respect and love for everyone in our lives would be overboard, but she comprehends this sort of thing. But do I need to be doing something, anything to counter this anger that she seems to be having towards me and him being togehter?

Also, dd only sees her dad about twice a year...it's hard on her, but it's our situation regardless. I wondered about her feeling like my bf is replacing her dad who she loves soooo dearly. I tried talking with her about this too, but she just doesnt seem to want to talk about this stuff.

~much gratitude for any thoughts!!!!

[pranamama]

I think counselling would me good, and more space away from the boyfriend for a while. For whatever reasons it is hard for her and if you can give her more time it would be good. I also think that emotional intelligence is a completely different ballgame than school-type intelligence. I realize now how slow I was in learning to deal with emotions, I am still light-years behind some people.

[Jster]

I also think that you should maybe take this as a signal to spend less time with your bf, at least for the time being. I had to do that last fall when DP and I first met, and though we started slowly, soon were seeing each other about three times a week. And although my younger daughter loved it, and we made sure we were doing very kid-friendly things, my older daughter really had some reservations/reactions. Not only did she always want to "whisper in my ear" things like "I don't like DP." and "Why is he always around?" but she was also somewhat standoffish with him. We cut back on our time together when the girls were awake (he'd sneak over after their bedtimes :0 ) It helped to go more slowly.

Even after that, DD1 would occasionally have times when she would hold DP at arms length, and it's been harder for them to bond in some ways. DP always enjoys how cute and snuggly dd2 is, and I try to share stories and pictures about dd1 being cute and cuddly like that, not so standoffish, and it's helped. Amazingly, when the girls went to their dads and were gone for three weeks, DD1 came back REALLY glad to see DP and enjoying him...she's even said things like he's her dad, too, because he's her step-dad. I think that the balance between old dad who isn't around and new father figure is hard for some kids to take, so listen to her signals, take it slow, and make sure that you don't set up long term resentments.