My descent and back (x-post in ppd)

[guestmama9972]

I wanted to share this with my due date club. I don't know if it will be appropriate here so I did cross post this message on a thread in the ppd forum. Mainly I just wanted you ladies to know what was going on with me.

I was recently hospitalized for 6 days for anxiety and depression with suicidal ideation. I am also in my 10th week of pregnancy. This was an unexpected pregnancy that came as the last thing in a long line of recent stressors including marital problems and an impending move. Not that I don't want the baby, but I really didn't want to be pregnant right now, especially remembering the hyperemesis that I suffered from in my 2nd pregnancy.

I was actually feeling pretty good until week 7 when I got food poisoning and had to go to the ER for fluids and zofran. That experience, the stress of marital issues and moving, and the start of morning sickness just pushed me over the edge. I began to feel panicky all the time, anxious, hopeless, my thoughts were unclear and muddled,I wasn't sleeping more than 2 hours a night, and I began to think of ways to kill myself. I called a crisis line and was told to relax and take a prenatal yoga class (no joke). I went to my ob and was told to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. I called my counselor who suggested that I go to the ER. I waited another day but realized that I needed help when I began to think that I would kill myself that night when my family was sleeping. So I told my husband and father and they took me to the ER. Thankfully the staff there took me seriously and I was admitted to a mental health facility nearby. I stayed for 6 days.

I got daily counseling there and saw a psychiatrist. I began taking Zoloft to help with the anxiety and depression and I could tell a decrease in the anxiety after about 3 doses. I have been taking it for about 2 weeks now and have noticed a slight change in the depression.

I still have constant nausea, which is a trigger for my anxiety because I relate it to the hyperemesis that I experienced with my last pregnancy. I don't have hyperemesis with this pregnancy, but I still carry the anxiety from last time. My counselor is working with me to let go of the second pregnancy, and it is helping a little. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist later this month to address the Zoloft, and I am finding a new OB that will take my anxiety and depression seriously.

If there is anyone else who has taken zoloft through pregnancy? I began taking it at 8 weeks after some agonizing. But really it came down to the decision to save the baby and me or kill us both. So I decided that I needed the medication. Anyway, I am wondering if it affected the baby after birth. Also did the dose stay the same in the postpartum period?

It is hard for me to admit that I needed help in such a drastic way. I feel like I am such a strong woman ordinarily and I believed the advice of friends and even medical professionals that I should just "snap out of it". I felt like I should be so overjoyed by the pregnancy that it should make me happy. But by the time I started feeling suicidal it was way to late to just change my attitude and be happy. I honestly believe that it was so tied into emotional and chemical sources that I needed major help to keep on living. So I got help.

So, that's my story. I am hoping someone else will be able to relate. Thanks for reading.

[Mama2-4]

Wow, big to you Mama. I have not come that close to my breaking point, but have had some very extreme emotional reactions in the past few weeks that have all been brought on by the ongoing stress of a grandparent visitation lawsuit. It is so scary to feel totally out of control. I am glad that you got help, stay strong.

[flapjack]

I haven't taken zoloft during pregnancy, but I did take seroxat. I was still suffering from PND with ds1, had just lost a babe at 24 weeks in some pretty horrendous circumstances and at that point, I knew my marriage was ending. The drugs let me go through the motions- the dosage was increased at a couple of points (Feb 00 was a bad month for me, so was Feb 01) and it kept me out of hospital and looking after my kids.
FWIW, when the time came I was able to snap out of it- but that was some 18 months after Isaac's birth. The time was right, the hormonal stimulus was no longer such an overwhelming issue, I had one major issue in my life removed (ex-dh) and everything was in place to allow me to move on. I've heard a few other people say that the clouds lifted suddenly- so it is possible. I think being able to feel comfortable in your own skin is necessary to do that, though, and that's not where you are right now.
Let me know if you need company on your journey, mama. Just remember that you are strong, and you can do this.

[bloominmamas]

I have been having slighter versions of what you are feeling, but I had horrible PPD with baby #2 where I was at the point where you are. I was actually afraid that I would really hurt my kids and definitely thinking about killing myself. I really didn't want to take the meds because I was exclusively breastfeeding (not as big as your situation as I would imagine) but like you decided it was important for everyone that I get help other than my GREAT therapist. I guess I just wanted to let you know there is hope at the end of the tunnel...You will be in my thoughts

[LoveChild421]

I hope things continue to get better for you. I hope the Zoloft works for you. If it doesn't, remember there are other drugs and other herbs/natural remedies you can try. I've heard of people having great results with a supplement called 5HTP and fish/flax oils. Praying for healing for you and the circumstances that you're having to deal with.

[nausicaamom]

I am so happy that you are getting help. I haven't had it happen during pregnancy, but I've definitely been through hospitalizations before and they are very scary and have been one of my worst fears since becoming a parent. I am currently taking Welbutrin for my depression and my best friend just went through her pregnancy while on Zoloft and did very well with it. My first trimester with my son was hellish because I always felt one or two steps away from needing a hospitalization because my mood swings were so bad. This time around it was bad for a while, but I seem to have adjusted to the hormones a lot faster so I am not feeling so on edge.

I am happy you are getting some therapy to help process your second pregnancy, with the right therapist it can do so much. I've used (and still do) a lot of verbal reinforcement to get me through the bad patches - I will literally say, "You are safe, this is just hormones, it will go away," out loud to myself. It sounds corny, but if you hear it often enough, you do start to believe it. Another life saver is to focus on deep breathing - I've also seen it referred to as square breathing - breath in for a count of 4, hold it for a count of four, breath out for a count of four. Repeat for 1-5 minutes several times a day, your body can't work right if its not getting enough oxygen (so my therapist always chides).

Lots of healing vibes your way and please feel free to PM me if you need anything. Thank you so much for sharing.

[guestmama9972]

Thanks so much for your kind words. It helps to know that other mammas have suffered under similar circumstances. And I do think that suffer is the appropriate word for enduring depression. I have never felt so dark.

But I am finding joy in my life and am actually able to laugh occasionally, which is nice.

Thanks again.

[joshs_girl]

Mama I'm so sorry for all of your struggles but I'm glad that you seem to be doing better and have the support that you need around you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[True Blue]

I just wanted to let you know that I have been on Zoloft before, and it actually gave me nausea for the first few weeks, so it could be aggravating or be the cause of your nausea now. I had never been pregnant before, but I imagined it must be what it felt like. I almost vomited in the grocery store one day while passing some pig's feet and some brains or other uncommonly eating parts! It made me feel a bit emotionally numb for a few weeks, like I wasn't sad anymore but I couldn't laugh either...this all wears off until you feel normal again, so keep taking it. It takes about 6 weeks.

I am glad you got the help you need, and the benefit of the drug is going to GREATLY outweigh the possible risks. Your kids need you alive and mentally available for them.

[Avarie]

While no one can know exactly how you feel, a lot of us can sympathize with you! I've been on anti-depressants for years (took Lexapro through PG #1)and have only recently "admitted" that I need more than that - I need counseling.

My mom was hospitallized twice when I was a kid for six weeks each time. That was really hard for me and has left me really conflicted about my own depression. There's a part of me that doesn't want to be "as bad" as my mom was. Like I want to be strong enough to deal with it on my own, you know? But about a month ago (May 22), I had this horrible horrible day ...

Spencer wouldn't nap and would eat and wouldn't do ANYTHING other than scream his bloody head off - for three solid hours. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I ended up putting him in his crib (because I'm not THAT crazy!!! - but I see how people with less emotional control hurt their babies) and curling up on the floor in our bathroom with the door closed, the lights off, and the exhaust fan on. It was as close to "away" as I could get and still be inside the house. I ended up calling my husband and my mom. They both left work and came home straight away. DH got home first - he was much closer. He stayed with me until my mom got there (he had to go back to work) and she stayed with me until DH came home for good. After that, I called his employee assistance program and got the names of three counselors in the area that provide up to six free visits ... and never called. Because I "got better". Until the next time, that is.

*sigh* Maybe I'll shuffle stuff around on the desk and try to find those numbers here soon.

[operamommy]

Originally Posted by Avarie

: After that, I called his employee assistance program and got the names of three counselors in the area that provide up to six free visits ... and never called. Because I "got better". Until the next time, that is.

*sigh* Maybe I'll shuffle stuff around on the desk and try to find those numbers here soon.

Just wanted to tell you I understand. I've started/quit more meds and counselors than I can remember.

To the OP, I'm so proud of you for seeking out the help you needed, even when the first people you contacted didn't take you seriously enough.

[gerlassie]

I too have suffered from depression but never PPD. I have found that the being pregnant somehow makes my depression go away...maybe it's all the stress about having a healthy pregnancy that gives me something else to focus on. Anyway, I have taken ZOLOFT years before I ever became pregnant and it made me extremely sick. I always felt that I was on the verge of throwing up at any minute. I also suffered from excessive yawning which stopped when I began another treatment. Fortunately, during my pregnancies I have been able to sustain by just seeing my therapist. My Psycharist and Midwife always held a constant concern for my mental well being during and after pregnancy and I never had issues until I stopped nursing usually when my children were around 2 years. I also alievated a great cause of my origional diagnosis by divorcing my first husband. I know that's easier said than done but, it wasn't working and I got tired of trying to make my marrige work. And one thing I learned is that if I wasn't happy in my marrige, I wasn't too happy anywhere. The problems we were having really carried over into my outside life. Even though I kept everything to myself, it was hard putting up a front to the world. Then one day, I broke my silence...this is what the stupid jerk did and I'm moving on. Having my then 2 year old son is probably the only thing that kept me going. I'm not advacating that you make a change I just want you to know that you are not alone. So many of us just sit quitely and accept things. I'll admit, I'm doing that in my second marrige too...and it can be very lonely. I have my 6 and 2 year old's to keep me busy and happily my Little One on the way. This time around, things are not nearly as bad and I am greatful for everything my husband does for his family ( most inportantly, accepting my oldest as his own... funny thing, my 6 yr old is now calling his natural father by his first name and refers to his step dad as his father...all of his own doing ).
I just wanted you to know that we all deal with different levels of stress and depression but thinking of doing the worst possible thing is the easy way out. You solved you problem but you leave a lifetime behind. I love my children too much to leave them and I'm sure you feel the same way. I call my best friend every day when I'm sure that my boy's are trying to kill me and she laughs at me and at what they've done then tells me to "get off the roof" and get back to being a mom...and she's right.
Stay strong! Everything will be fine. Hug your babies often and see the love in their faces when you are together. And TAKE YOUR MEDS your drs see fit!

HUGS and LOVE!
Kim (Daniel 6 and David 2 mommie )