My dh could have killed my dd today!!!

[angie7]

I dont know where to even start, I have so many emotions right now. My dh has always been careless when it came to the kids, to the point that he has only watched them one time since their birth for a few hours b/c of it. I feel like I am always having to go behind him and make sure he isnt endangering the life of them. Well today was the cherry on top. I put Alivea down for her nap and he had Kaytlin. I put Alivea to bed first (we still rock them to sleep) and closed the door. He came in shortly after I had left. A few hours went by and heard one of the babies upstairs moving around and talking, their way of letting us know they are awake. So I go upstairs to get her and her crib rail is down!!!! Mind you both girls can walk now so they stand in their beds all the time. Their mattress is down to the lowest setting but with the rail down it hits them below their hips. I immediately blew up at him, yelling and screaming at him b/c it has happened so much that I just had had it! (he did the same thing at bedtime about a month ago) Well he still says that he pulled it up and he "doesnt know how it fell" Well it didnt fall, it is IMPOSSIBLE for it to fall and me not to hear it on the monitor. If it would have fallen, it would have sounded like a bomb went off in there and it was complete silence their whole nap. The monitor is no more then an arms length a way from me at all times and turned all the way up, so I know he is lying.

We were suppose to go to my mom's house today for the 4th. He kept getting in my way and grabbing my arms while I was trying to get the kids ready to leave b/c he kept insisting that he put the rail up. I finally had it and slapped him really hard across his face and told him to leave "us" alone. I took the kids and went to my mom's for the day. I feel horrible for slapping him but I was so angry, hurt, scared, etc at the thought of what could have happened if she would have fallen over. Plus I was in an abusive relationship before and that is one thing you dont do is grab me, I guess it brings up the fight or flight response in me.

I dont know what to do or what to think. You know if this would have been the first time something like this would have happened, maybe I wouldnt be so upset but it seems everyday there is something. This morning before the crib incident, I found Kaytlin in her playpen with a tube of vaseline with the lid open. She was playing with it (he gave it to her) on the changing table while he was changing her this morning and he says he didnt see her with it and just sat her in there. What if she would have eaten it? You know, it is so frustrating, I feel like I have 3 kids and my dh is worst then the little ones.

I dont want to even look at him right now I am so crushed that he has such a lack of commiment to them for basic safety needs. I am suppose to be having major surgery in the next few months, how I can I trust him while trying to recover? What if I die on the table, I dont want him raising the kids alone b/c of everything he has done in the past.

And the fact that he is lying straight to my face about it. Why cant he just say "I really thought I did pull it up but I guess I didnt" It wouldnt make it better but at least it would be a lie right to my face, kwim?

I am so conflicted right now, I dont even know how I am feeling about this.. I feel like he has just left me with an even bigger responisbility besides caring for the kids, paying the bills, taking care of the home, etc. All he does is go to work and come home, everything else is on my shoulders and now I have to follow him around too???

Thanks for reading and letting me vent...

[GuildJenn]

You sound overwhelmed and stressed out and that is so hard.

I can see where either of those things could be dangerous and that is so scary. I lost my first child (shortly after her birth) and I don't think I will ever stop living in fear of losing my second. I have talked to both bereaved parents and non-bereaved parents and it seems like so many of us have those flashes like "what if this happens right now!" - an image of dropping the baby or a car crash or whatever.

At the same time I think you may be catastrophizing a little bit - we are kind of wired to do that when our kids are little and with twins I imagine it's even more so; you have to have your awareness on two babies at once!

But each of those mistakes seem understandable to me - not smart; not something you want to repeat, but human. When I read your title I honestly expected that perhaps someone had left a one year old alone in the tub for half an hour or drove across town with no carseat.

The less time your husband spends caring for your babies the more likely he is to make those mistakes because he is not in tune with their development and personalities. And slapping him and treating him like he is a horrible parent for those mistakes and taking his kids away seems really harsh; I would not feel okay if my parenting were being held up to that lens like that.

[Beating Earth]

Oh mama
I can understand how you feel. Im a new first time mama and I get nervous when DP looks after the babe. I dont have the same problems as you do but I guess its the whole paranoid mama bear thing.
I hope that you can work things out.
Really I dont know what to say that is at all helpful, but I thought you might need the hug
Misha

[Thao]

I hope I can say this in a way that you don't consider it a criticism...

Your feelings are valid and need to be dealt with. However, I think they are not completely realistic. What I mean by that is that it is highly unlikely that a child would die from a fall from a crib, or from tasting a little bit of vaseline (she probably wouldn't eat the whole tube because the first taste would be nasty). Kids do fall, spill, tumble, etc etc and they are built to withstand it.

I'm not saying the crib rail shouldn't be up, of course it should, but to me fearing that the child would have *died* because it was down is simply not realistic. I'm guessing that you are dealing with emotions, fears of losing your beloved children, something, and those feelings need to be dealt with. Counselling maybe? If you don't deal with these fears, they will affect your relationship with your husband (they already are) and someday possibly affect your relationship with your children as well.

And violence in a relationship is never okay, but you know that already having lived it yourself.

[GuildJenn]

I hope this does not feel like piling up, but I had another thought.

I have PTSD and if you have lived with an abusive partner, you may too. Your reaction might be related to that - in order to survive before, everything WAS a matter of life and death. Now that is how you may feel/experience everything - as a matter of life and death. It is very stressful. In this case I think it may not be serving you well.

[ericswifey27]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

And slapping him and treating him like he is a horrible parent for those mistakes and taking his kids away seems really harsh; I would not feel okay if my parenting were being held up to that lens like that.

Seriously, I don't think this is going to help her. She already knows it was "harsh", and she explained why it happened, how she has been abused and it was a reaction to her husband grabbing her, which was totally uncalled for on his part as well. I think it was good she left the house- it was obvious they both needed to cool down.

To the OP, I totally get the frustration level. It is so hard when you and DH are not on the same page with safety issues. I so get it- I have told DH 3x this week he CAN NOT leave the windows upstairs open and then go to sleep/ take a nap/leave the room, whatever. We have a 3 1/2 year old that could easily pull something up to the window and climb up. Sigh.

If anyone has any advice for the OP or myself on how to get DH to be more careful... I am so in the same boat when it comes to DH's parenting style...

Oh and just to add, I think the OP may realize that while vaseline is not incredibly dangerous, dh not noticing her child playing with it scares her to death, because she's always wondering WHAT NEXT? Dh doesn't notice the baby playing with the toilet bowl cleaner? Atleast that's how I saw it...

[sunflowers]

I think PTSD is a very plausable scenerio.
I can completely relate to angie's fears for her children's safety after going through the hell of NICU with my dd and all that is associated with it. Protective Mama Bear did not even come close to describing me for her first 15 mos and it's really only been 4 months since I've been able to let go a bit and "allow" my girl to tumble, stumble and just play without me constantly wondering if she was going to get killed- literally. If someone was caring for her and seemingly facilitating the danger, I may have done the exact same thing. You can't imagine how having a child close to death can affect you years later unless it's happened to one of your own.

I don't know if you had a scary time with their birth and after but I can guess it was not a walk in the park. Compound that with the trauma of a past abusive relationship and it seems it would only be worse. I have to agree that your DH's mistakes appear to be just that and I hope you both can forgive and move forward. It sounds like you could benefit from some solid communication and connection or counseling (jointly and/or seperately).

There is a good thread in the preemie forum talking about PTSD that may be helpful just to read.

[2shy2post]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

But each of those mistakes seem understandable to me - not smart; not something you want to repeat, but human. When I read your title I honestly expected that perhaps someone had left a one year old alone in the tub for half an hour or drove across town with no carseat.

The less time your husband spends caring for your babies the more likely he is to make those mistakes because he is not in tune with their development and personalities. And slapping him and treating him like he is a horrible parent for those mistakes and taking his kids away seems really harsh; I would not feel okay if my parenting were being held up to that lens like that.

I have to agree. Because they are feelings, you are entitled to them. However, I was in a bit of shock that you are saying the things about your DH. He is their parent and just as vital to their existance as you. The more you deny him a relationship and interaction with them the more you break the bond that reinforces attachment parenting.

Trust me, you too will make mistakes and forget things and wish you had done things differently. I cannot imagine how hurt he must be that first you called him (and sincerely believe) he is a liar and then you struck him. : The fact that you were previously in an abusive relationship should give you even more compassion for him. Only abusers blame their victims for their behavior. :

Perhaps you are experiencing a great deal of stress with the impending surgery. It is disconcerting to feel that there is a chance that we will not be here for our babes and that no one could compare to us in there lives. There is obviously a great deal of stress going on in your life right now, and maybe it is exacerbated by the fact that you have not completely come to grips with previous trauma. You may need to find a way to deal with that (counseling, postpone the surgery, etc.).

I hope that you will consider an apology to your DH and some heart to heart about your fears and concerns as well as some respect for the fact that parenting is a learning experience for us all.

[angie7]

I dont think it helped that I am under a great deal of stress with my upcoming surgery b/c I have to fly over 4 states to have it done and be gone for a week. I have serious medical issues and it is really hard to deal with the outcome. I cant prospone (sp) this surgery b/c without it, I will be paralized from the neck down. This isnt the first time I have faced paralysis, I also have a spinal cord lesion that will continuely progress that will eventually leave me paralized one day. The reason I have to have surgery now is to stop another one of my conditions so that it doesnt leave me paralized sooner.

So I am under a lot of stress with my medical issues and I guess I rely on everyone around me to take care of my kids and make sure they are safe the same I do and when I cant trust that, it breaks my heart.

[gaialice]

mama sorry you're under so much stress I hope the operation goes well and that you are not gone long away from your dds. I could relate to your post because I am rather absent minded. I tend to forget things, or make silly mistakes, or get lost when I go to a place that is not familiar, in spite of the directions. This affects the way I care for my kids and other aspects of my life, too. You know, I love my kids, I really really do. But I am not the picture perfect mama and my girls are not the ones who show up at school 5 minutes before time with their immaculate dress and nice hairdo. I work on my weaknesses, I really try. Being a mother has been a blessing for me because I have have to try a lot harder. But I am who I am. I really do not like it when my dh "scolds" me (for lack of a better word) about forgetting to put the key under the doormat - for example - causing the plumber and dh at least 2 hours of wasted time on the day after our move I am proud to say my dh is developing compassion at my weaknesses and he is growing to appreciate my strong sides more. The fact is, when he used to get angry at me for my mistakes my self-esteem really hit rock bottom and the more it continued the more mistakes I made. I do not know about your dh, but if he loves the kids and it sounds like he does, let him make his mistakes, don't put him down.... your kids will survive a lot of things, mine surely did...
You know - I wanted to add - my experience with how I felt and how I reacted to dh's anger at my mistakes is - among all other things what motivates me most to GD my dds

[amitymama]

I strongly believe that the crux of his 'forgetfullness' is that he is NEVER alone with them. The longer he is treated like an idiot who can't be trusted to look after his children, the longer he will continue to act exactly like that. He hasn't had a chance to get to know these things on a personal level, little quirks about the twins and how if he does A it makes B a lot easier/safer. I think you're going to have to let go a little and let him make a couple of mistakes so he can learn. If he knows you're always there watching over his shoulder, he has no incentive to *really* learn how to parent, other than being given commands.

I know it must be incredibly frustrating and scary, but since you have this surgery coming up where you'll be gone for a week, this will be the perfect opportunity. If I were you, I would apologise for the hitting and yelling and explain to him your (very valid) fears that he doesn't watch out for the twins' safety. Discuss the things you feel are paramount to their safety and well being and make sure he understands what the consquences are (or might be) if they are not followed. Then let go and see how he does. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised when you get back from your surgery to see relatively unscathed children and a more confident, loving, aware daddy.

[mammastar2]

It does sound like you're under a lot of stress. It is also scary when there is a 'near miss' accident with a child...but I have to agree with other posters that your dh probably needs to be given more of a chance to care for the kids, without being belittled and made to feel incompetent. He needs an opportunity to develop his skills!

And I'm sure you know that violence is never acceptable, and can imagine the response if a husband came on here and said he slapped his wife in the face. If you were in an abusive relationship before, make a commitment not to let the cycle continue, and do whatever you need to do emotionally and with the support of your husband to make it so.

I also agree that neither of the episodes you mention sound quite as catastrophic as you think. But that may just be because I'm sure I left the crib rail down a few times by mistake when dd was little, and she rolled off the big bed once and bonked her head...

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by ericswifey27

If anyone has any advice for the OP or myself on how to get DH to be more careful... I am so in the same boat when it comes to DH's parenting style...

Oh and just to add, I think the OP may realize that while vaseline is not incredibly dangerous, dh not noticing her child playing with it scares her to death, because she's always wondering WHAT NEXT? Dh doesn't notice the baby playing with the toilet bowl cleaner? Atleast that's how I saw it...

Obviously I think it was understandable given the stress that she is under! If I were in her shoes I would likely be screaming too.

But, that is my advice on how to support a partner in becoming more safety conscious and aware:

1. Don't catastrophize IF you can avoid it. We all do and it's understandable, but it is in my opinion really really not fair to say "if you left out the vaseline is the toilet bowl cleaner next??!!!" - they are not the same thing. Maybe the desitin, since it's in the same area, but cleaning toilets is a whole different category.

We all make parenting mistakes - generally the parent who spends the lesser time with the children makes more, because they are not in tune with the daily routine and the kids themselves.

It is definitely fair to say "I'm worried about this," because, well, you are. And important. But it is not fair to blame people for things they haven't done and that have not happened yet.

And it just teaches our partners not to listen to us. If we make such a fuss about the small things, they have no reason to believe us on the big ones.

I think of it like this - in practicing gentle discipline we presume that yelling at or punishing our kids makes them less competent and able to become self-disciplined; spouses are not that different.

2. Give more responsibility, not less. That's hard to do. My husband is also the more relaxed of the pair of us and it is definitely a challenge, but people have a tendency to live up or down to our expectations. I think dads in particular can just give up or tune out because they are socialized differently as boys - bigger risk takers, less caregiving.

But unless it is an extreme situation, I don't think there is any other way that will permanently work. You cannot nag someone into thinking. Well there may be one other way: taking a child first aid course together; that helped us to get on the same page too.

Again I just want to be clear that I think the OP's reaction is completely related to the really hard stuff going on in her life and Angie, you have total support from me. What I'm reading is that you need to be able to trust your partner before you go into the hospital, and the best advice I have for you is to give him as much of a chance to be in charge of your beautiful babies as much as possible so that he gets really good at it, trust the man you married, and try (oh this one's hard) to trust that not every mistake will lead to death.

We all have to try to be on board with safety things, there is no question about that, but thank god, 99.9% of the time that we mess up, it's correctable - and that is how we learn.

[angie7]

We talked last nite and we both apologized to each other. We are best friends, always have been, so talking comes easy to us and so do tempers....I think the reason I got so upset is just a combination of many things. The fact that he is careless about everything dealing with the kids and this was just one more thing plus my upcoming surgery. I am worried about the kids while I am gone, over 4 states away. Worried what will happen after this surgery, how the recovery will be. I had brain surgery 3 years ago and the recovery was awful and they say this one isnt that pleasant either so I am worried how I will be able to manage recovery and caring for the kids, etc. My dh was wonderful during my brain surgery and I think he will be again. When I am down, he really steps up to the plate.

Our talk was nice last nite. He understands why I got so angry at him over this. We talked about my fears from the surgery and the future for us. We have had many of these talks before and honestly, it doesnt really do much. It makes me feel better that he knows how I feel but as far as being more careful on his part, wont happen unfornuately.

I have been through counseling, it doesnt help me. Our marriage is great, like I said before we are best friends, we have been together for 10 years. Even best friends fight. I know hitting him was VERY wrong, I said that is my first post. He knows not to be "hands on" with me b/c of the responses it pulls up. This time it just got too heated. He kept grabbing my arms really hard and blocking my way. I asked him repeatly to stop grabbing me and to move and he ignored me and kept yelling in my face.


We are okay now...

[Jenlaana]

I think that a lot of what needs to be said has been, and the OP realizes that her stress about her surgery influenced her responses to her DH.

That being said, I just wanted to add my personal experience. My DD is my second child, 9 yrs after my first. I have had experience running the whole gauntlet prior to her birth. She is my DH's first child, however, and he has never hardly even touched a baby before ours, let alone cared for one. When DD was first born (almost 2 yrs ago now) I was overly protective with her, and very very careful about watching every move DH made with her. I made absolutely sure that he never made a false step, did something that would cause her harm, etc. The more I did it, the worse he was with her. Its hard to explain, but it seemed like the more I micromanaged him, the less he tried to be good at it (after all, I was always right there to snatch her up if she was crying). I came here to the boards and was advised to let him take her for an hour here and there without my supervision, and trust that he would be ok with her. At first it wasnt so great. He let her cry way too much IMO, and didn't always put her diapers on right, didnt keep all of the "bad things" out of reach, etc. But he has gotten so much better. I just cant even explain it. At this point, he is as good of a dad as I am a mom, maybe even better because he gets a break and is fresh when he comes home (I'm a sahm). We've had some bumps and bruises along the way. DD has fallen, goten ahold of things she shouldn't, eaten things that gave her a horrible rash, run out the front door because it wasnt closed tightly behind someone going out, to name a few. But... I've also done my share of oopsies too, and she has a scar from when I accidentally nicked her with scissors as an infant...atleast DH can say he hasnt scar'd our daughter.

I don't know your DH but that he is willing to watch your children says he is more interested in being a parent than many fathers, and although it sounds like he's far from perfect, maybe its something you can build upon.

[ber]

...

[lilyka]

I think you are over reacting a bit.

i think your dh careless may be fed by the fact that you won't let him parent his own children. I now when people are constantly following me around and distrusting my ability to do my job i start to get careless because it is hard to be competent when someone thinks you are incapable.

I used to be that way with my husband. At some point I made a conscience decision to let go and let him feel his own way around things. I wasn't going to nag or suggest or coax or guide. to be completely honest there were times I just looked away and pretended I wasn't having an eternal freak out. No one has even been seriously injured. and the one time someone had to go to the ER he handled it just fine without my input (and he wasn't even there. they were at grandmas house and the older girls were chasing the baby and the baby fell and hit her head on the corner of the piano bench. glued it up. no sweat)

You really need to let go of some of this over protectiveness before the stress hurts you or your relationship. Your dh is capable. it may not be up to your standards but i nobody is going yo die if you aren't in control and if things aren't being done exactly your way.

[Hazelnut]

Sounds like it might be the constant stress of feeling like you can't be completely reliant on him... Can you maybe sorta "teach" him some things when he messes up with the little things? Does he try to be better in between the fights?

[2Sweeties1Angel]

Falling out of the crib isn't likely to kill a baby. All of mine have rolled have rolled off of the bed/climbed out of a crib/other scary fall and 3 out of 4 of them are still alive. The one that isn't alive didn't die from a fall. Heck, I fell out of my Dad's truck when I was a toddler and I'm still around. Yeah, the falling is scary for both the child and the parent but it happens.

[mamazee]

He actually sounds like a pretty good dad to me.

At some point I realized that my husband is much more relaxed than I am with our daughter. It looked to me at first like he was taking chances, but when I stepped back a bit, I realized he was actually very careful. He's just different.

Anyway, if your daughter had the Vaseline and he was actually physically with her changing her diaper, then there wasn't any real danger. She might have gotten some on her or something but that wouldn't be a tragedy. (I am assuming he doesn't leave the girls unattended.) And the crib rail being down isn't a huge danger either, really. It isn't perfect, but it isn't as bad as leaving them unattended around toilet bowl cleaner. (Does this mean your husband cleans toilets, by the way? If so, please let me know how you got that going.)