I need advice: He left me because I'm pregnant.

[Twins!]

This is my first post, so hello everyone!

I really REALLY need some advice about my situation. The title sums up my story completely. But I'd like to go a little more in depth with it. So here I go:

I'm 21 and in college. My boyfriend of 6+ years is currently deployed in Iraq. He is due to come home this October. Well, he came home for his leave for 2 weeks 2 months ago in April. And I got pregnant.

Obviously, it was NOT planned. Neither one of us wanted this. He wants me to have an abortion, and I considered it. And honestly I still am. I'm having such a hard time making up my mind. (Please, I don't need any Pro-Life speeches) But now that I've had 2 ultra-sounds, and have seen and heard my babies hearts beating (I'm having twins).... It's so hard now. I think.

Anyways, I'm having such a hard time with this because: 1) My BF left me. He told me straight out "If you go through with this, I don't want anything to do with you or THEM" I don't want them to be unwanted, or not know their father. And 2) I'm a college student, I have no money, not even a job, I still live with my parents. And 3) I've been told I'm going to ruin my life if I have them.

So, I guess I just want some advise, anything will help. Good or BAD. All of you ARE single mothers. You've all done it on your own. I just don't know if I can in my situation. I appreciate every single response. Thank you.

-Jen

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

Ok...Take some deap breaths and try to relax for a few....i was a single mom at a early age of 17....i am 30 now and have 3 kids....and now at 30 with 3 kids...my dh is in prison so i'm a single mom of 3 kids,but not by choice...i never thought i would be able to handle all 3 by my self...but i have and i can and it's made me a better mama and a stronger mama at that....you have lots of options other than abortion..have you thought about adoption? You can think this through....look at all your options and choose the one that fits you and your situation...you can do this...hold your head up high and stay strong...this will pass and when you come out of this...you will look back and say...wow this has made me stronger and you will keep on going....you came to the right place...God Bless

[jessiemom]

I don't have any advise for you, i am not a single mom but I know you have a hard decision ahead of you and I want you to know that I will be thinking about you.
Don't make any hasty decisions about it, it sounds like you don't think you want to have an abortion so don't do it just because he would want you to. I am sorry your boyfriend has told you he will leave you because you are pregnant but really, does that sound like the kind of thing someone who really cares about you would say? Be kind to yourself and take the time to realy think about it and make the right decision, and congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope everything works out well for you. I hope you get the support that you need, Jessie

[captain optimism]

I'm responding because I clicked, and I don't want you to get page views without responses. I'm not a single mom and in fact I had my son really old.

One thing: get in touch with the college and find out what support they have for you. Do they have daycare, can you finish up your degree going to school part time, that kind of thing. How many courses are you from completing the degree? It sounds like you are pretty sure about bearing these children and it also sounds a little on the late side to terminate the pregnancy. Is it?

If you are going to go through with this, you need to work out with your parents how you are going to handle completing school and dealing with childcare, and what support they are willing to provide. If you are talking about a few more years of financial dependence leading to eventual independence, they may be receptive to helping you.

It can be done. Your college experience is going to be very different than what you planned, but it can be done. You should be free to choose to parent if you want to or to terminate if you want to, and not feel like either decision is going to ruin your life.

[singin'intherain]

I wanted to say that you shouldn't listen to anyone when they're telling you having kids will ruin your life. I sure hope your parents didn't say that!

If your parents will help you, that counts for a lot. It will certainly be tough if you decide to raise them on your own. You will feel disoriented and overwhelmed and exhausted, and it may be impossible for you to go to school for the first year. That's how I was, with one- totally thrown for a loop. On the other hand, many many women have a much easier time with the newborn thing than I did. Don't think it's some kind of tragedy- it seriously is the single most wonderful experience I've ever had, and I think most moms would second that.

I want to encourage you, also, to get to a quiet place and just listen. You really do know what to do, in your heart. I'm not saying this is a simple situation. This is probably the most serious and complicated decision you've ever had to make. I just mean that when everything's at stake, and the decision is this life defining, I believe that you have a voice inside that will tell you what to do, what's right for you.

As for your boyfriend, I hope he was speaking out of stress and fear and that it will wear off. Seriously, how good can he be for you if he just flat out states you're through if you won't have an abortion? This might be one of those moments when you get to see where he's really coming from. Even if you decide to abort, won't you always wonder what kind of man would leave you like that?

Good luck to you- I know everything will turn out for the best.

[trinity6232000]

First if you want to YOU CAN DO THIS! Don't listen to those who tell you that you can't. Many
of us here have heard we can't, and we all are doing it beautifully. One baby isn't easy, two
will be no cake walk, but we have Mama's here with twins who have done it.

What I wish for you is to take a couple moments for yourself. Think about you and what YOU
want to do. Don't listen to those who are claiming that you'll ruin your life. True babies are hard
but they are also rewarding and a wonderful blessing. If you want to continue your pregnancy
then we'll all be here to give you any advice you need. If you think about it and your not ready
then that is something you need to decide for yourself. Please don't let anybody make that choice
for you. That is a choice that is personal, and only YOURS to make.

Remember also you don't have to make all these choices right now at this very second. Take a
little time to listen to your heart. If you need more time, you could always use adoption as a
back up.

I just wouldn't want you to make this choice based solely on what other people tell you that you
can or can not do. If you want to you can do anything you want. You can have a very successful
life, finish college, be anything you want, even if you become the mother of twins. You can.

[CorasMama]

One other thing to consider:

If this is truly out of character for your bf, I may have a reason why. You say he is deployed in Iraq. So is my brother. Your bf is not exactly seeing the best that life, and humanity, have to offer right now! In fact, he is probably witnessing some true atrocities. He may feel that he can't be a party to bringing new souls into a broken world. He may feel guilt over something that he has had to do or has witnessed (DON'T ask him about this! If it is the case, he will talk about it when he's ready. It took my dad 30 years). And he may feel unworthy. He may be dealing w/ feelings of rage, sorrow, grief, anger, jealousy (you and those around you don't have to be there), guilt, relief (he's not dead), survivor's guilt, anxiety, etc. So if this is truly out of character (pre-Iraq) for him, consider that he may come around. But don't count on it, as the effects of war may take a long time to overcome.

OTOH, if this isn't that out of character for him, move ahead with your decisions without him as a factor.

[Bestbirths]

Welcome, Twins! and congradulations on your twins. I hope he comes around but if he doesn't, I know you can do whatever it is you decide to do. My mom raised me as a single parent for nine years. The abandonment by my father was really hard for me to take, so if at all possible I would try to keep your bf in their lives even in the smallest way if he does come around. Maybe the war has traumatized him like a previous poster said.

[Oceanjones]

I had to write to give my experience from of all the choices open to you.

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first. My bf was 21 and we had plans to get married when i found out. Then he dropped me like a hot potato when I refused to have an abortion. I tried to examine all my options. My mom said to me that I had 3 possible ways to go and would support me no matter what. I am lucky I had such an open-minded mom! I chose to have and keep the baby. She is almost 13 now and I can't tell you how thankful I am to have her and what a positive impact she has had on my life. It wasn't always easy. In fact, sometimes it was damn hard but we got through it. I have never regretted my decision.

I also got pregnant when my dd was just over a year. I knew I couldn't handle an abortion. I ended up giving my son up for adoption. He has an amazing family and it was an open adoption. I picked them. I get pictures and updates and I have always felt good about that choice. I did what was best for him and for me at that time. He will be 11 in August.


Fast forward about 6 years. I had been with my bf for 3 years when I found out I was pregnant. He hit the roof. We were living together and it was Christmas time. He took our tree and threw it outside off the deck. Hurled furniture across the house and basically terrorized me for days. He wanted me to have an abortion. He gave me all these reasons why I should. I was in school and we didn't have money for another one etc etc. I went ahead and had the abortion even though I didn't want to. It took me four years to recover from it. I spent most of that time pretty much self-destructing. It was awful. I felt like a part of me had died. It's still hard to even write about it now and try not to cry. I think about that baby a lot. I remember him every Christmas. I hated everyone and everything for a long time. If it wasn't for my oldest I doubt I would have lived through it to be honest. Only when I became pregnant again (it was my mission after that) did I finally start to heal. I have regretted it every second of every day since.

Men don't understand what they are asking because it isn't their body and they don't have that life inside them. You can actually develop post partum depression from it. My doctor wanted me in counseling and on meds but I wasn't ready to deal with it then.

Just really think about how it will impact you because having the abortion doesn't erase it and make everything better.


Of all three options and choices I have made, the hardest to live with is the abortion.

I will be thinking about you. I know what a hard decision it is and I just thought I should share what I went through.

[wytchywoman]

Just wanted to send some hugs your way. Kids do not ruin your life, they change it drastically, but it will not be ruined, it will just be different. I think you will also discover that your children will add an amazing sense of love and fullness to your life. Being a mother is not easy and being a single mother is doubly hard, but it is doable. I was a single college student mama and I did it. You find a way. Please do not let anyone persuade you to do something you don't want to do. Make up your own mind for your own solid reasons. Everything will be OK in time. (((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

[Twice as nice]

Jen,

OMG, I could have written your post 18 months ago. When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I was 23 and half-way through law school. The guy I'd been dating told me to have an abortion or he would have nothing to do with me or the babies. My parents told me that I was crazy to even consider keeping the babies and that I would ruin my life if I decided to go through with it.

Janna (Trinity) said it perfectly above.. This is YOUR choice. Please take some time and figure out what YOU need/want. For me personally... I definitely considered abortion as I was always pro-choice and always thought that if I ever got preggo before I was married & ready for it, I would definitely abort the baby. I even had an appointment set, but decided that I could not go through with it. I knew that there was a little life growing inside of my belly, a little heart that was beating, and I just could not stop that heart and that life. Even after missing the appointment, the guy kept pressuring me to abort, so I still kept it in the back of my mind. Then I started bleeding and thought that I was miscarrying. I thought that I should have been relieved as I would not have to decide anymore, but instead I was so terrified and heartbroken. I realized that I WANTED this baby (I ended up at the hospital where I was told that I was not miscarrying, and in fact am having twins!)

I thought my parents would be the last people in the world to understand, but to my huge surprise, once they realized that I had made my decision, they became more supportive than I could have ever imagined. I moved in with them and they have been such great support to me & my babies. I had a very good pregnancy and I stayed in school as long as I could (until I was 7 months preggo). Then I took the fall semester off to have my twins and went back to school part time in the Spring when they were 4 months old. I'm slowly, but surely, chipping away at my remaining classes and will graduate 1 year later than I originally expected to with both a JD and MBA degrees.

So yes, you definitely CAN do it. There is another mom on this board (Twinalicious) who is also a single mom of twins. We are both doing it and so can you! Is it hard? Heck YES! It is very difficult. Being a single parent, to twins, and to still be in school is extremely hard, but it is definitely possible and do-able.

Sometimes I do wonder what my life would have been like if I did not keep them. I see my friends going out all the time, doing things spur of the moment, traveling, etc... and I remember when it was like that for me too. It is a little hard knowing that my life will never be like that again. If I did not have them, I would be done with school right now and taking the Bar. I'd be able to go out and do what I please. I'd be able to date. I'd be able to travel. I'd be able to SLEEP.

But then I think of what I would have had to give up in order to keep my life as it was... my twins... and I know that I made the right choice for me. I love my children with all of my heart and they are more than worth all of the things I had to give up. They are the most amazing & wonderful little beings I've ever seen. They bring so much joy and happiness to my life. I know that if I had given in to the pressure to go through with the abortion, I would have regretted that decision for the rest of my life. I also know that knowing all that I know now, I still would have made the same decision.

Again, take some time and figure out what is right for YOU. It is YOUR body and YOUR life. You have already taken a smart step by coming here and talking about your situation. It helps so much to be able to talk to people who understand you (the mamas on this board have been sooo wonderful to me!) There is alot of support and information here for you. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk a bit more. If you'd like, I can PM you my phone # if youd like to talk over the phone. We are all here for you. Take care of yourself and your little ones, and do what is right for you.

[arlecchina]

I was by myself with my first boy through most of his life, it's not so bad. is it hard? sometimes. it's not terrible.

It can definitely be done (as you can see from the above posts) I'm so sorry your partner isnt supportive, that must be so hard. all I can say is do what you feel is right - I dont think you'd be here if you wanted to terminate your pregnancy. But if you decided that was best for you now, try not to beat yourself up for that either. everything happens for a reason.

[Quindin]

I could not read it and not reply mama

I just wanted to say one thing: abortion is a hard enough thing to go through and think about for the rest of your life when it is YOU decision - imagine how it would feel doing it for someone else? It should be YOUR choice mama - nobody else's!! If he truly loves you, he will get over this shock and will come back to you no matter what you choose! It is not like you went behind his back and tricked him in order to get pregnant! It is just a big a shock to you - and it is you who will go through all of it, not him!

You are in my thoughts! Just remember that the reaction of shock and anger from family members is to be expected when a unexpected pregnancy is first announced, but slowly things do change for most families and I do believe most will become very supportive, specially when the little babies are born. And no, it would not ruin your life! Babies are a lot of work and can be challenging, but many women have done it before and things have turned out wonderful! So do consider that

ETA - Had not read Twice as Nice's post! Wow -- Truly inspiring :

[Amila]

Jen-

I am not a single mom, but I just wanted to give you a and tell you that everything will be FINE. When I got pregnant I was newly engaged, just graduated college and started an amazingly high profile forensics job. We also had no money. I was terrified to have a child, and almost didn't. Looking back now, it was sheer panic that caused me to consider not keeping my baby. I know you are in a totally different situation, but I think that you are a very strong woman, and that you will be a great mommy. Your boyfriend sounds like the kind of person that you should not be with. If that was his response to you being pregnant, he is NOT worth an ounce of your time. If you do decide to have your twins, every time you look into their eyes, it will all be worth it. Having children makes your life BETTER not worse.

Good luck!
Amy

[Selesai]

Please also remember that, should you decide to keep your twins, your boyfriend will be responsible for financially supporting them whether he wants to or not. So do not hesitate to obtain child support from him. It's what your children deserve.

[boobybunny]

My first husband wanted kids, and was so very supportive when I first found out I was pregnant. Turns out... he has spent the last six years of his children's life trying to not be a dad to them. BUT he does pay his child support. (garnished of course)

My second husband was so upset when we found out we were pregnant. He drove over 1000 miles, just driving, just thinking, when I told him I could not abort. Don't get me wrong, I will fight to the death for a woman's reproductive rights, I even talked to my doc. She was willing to either do the D&C or give me the medical option.

I went home, talked it over with my husband, looked into his eyes and could not terminate our fetus. The next couple of weeks were tough, we were strangers in our bed, we barely talked.
This same man, the night before we went into labor, told me that he was an ass, that he was wrong. He also asked me not to ever tell our child about his behavior, that he wanted to do it.. when the child was old enough to understand that sometimes something that feels like a bad idea is sometimes the best thing that ever happens to you.

In my limited experience, a man who truly thinks about what it takes to be a father, one who will stick around, and be supportive of the new family is one who is scared out of his wits. The one who says "ohhh poop, I can not handle this" is actually much more able to be a great father than the man that thinks "cool, I'm gonna be a daddy."

[lovethyspirit]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Just know that no matter what your decision is, you will be supported. *big hugs* Planned parent hood is a great organization and provides counseling. You have two little miracles and if the man who made them isn't willing to step up, it's not their fault. Maybe the fact that you are 21 and have been with him for 6 years has something to do with it. I mean that he has probably never been with anyone else and maybe he feels trapped now? Give him some time and if he still doesn't come around, then you know you don't want your children influenced by his immaturity and lack of responsibility. There are options out there hon.

Originally Posted by Selesai

Please also remember that, should you decide to keep your twins, your boyfriend will be responsible for financially supporting them whether he wants to or not. So do not hesitate to obtain child support from him. It's what your children deserve.

Exactly. Contact your local state agency - Office of Attourney General and file for child support. They will take it straight from his pay automatically if he refuses.

[iamama]

I just want to offer a hug.

[Bestbirths]

Originally Posted by Selesai

Please also remember that, should you decide to keep your twins, your boyfriend will be responsible for financially supporting them whether he wants to or not. So do not hesitate to obtain child support from him. It's what your children deserve.

I totally agree, my mother never filed for my father to pay financially, and this irks me to this day. It hurts that I have never had aknowledgement from him that I belonged to him, even paying child support would have meant that he had taken some responsibility. Your children would deserve child support from their Father, and now the state is getting tougher on making Dad's responsible.

[LastBestPlace]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm not yet a mother, so I don't have much to say about your options, but I really feel for you.

I wanted to add that if you decide to parent your twins, you should strongly consider getting legal advice about the status of the baby's father. If you are a college student, you may be able to get a lawyer for little or no charge through your college's student association. If not, there may be options for representation through legal services or another similar organization.

I totally agree with what previous posters said about child support, but there are other considerations, too. You can file an action to establish a parenting plan for the children even before birth. If the father is still adamant about having nothing to do with them, you can have him sign something to that effect. Otherwise, you may end up in a situation where his time in Iraq is done and he's ready to come home and be a daddy. If there is nothing in place with regards to parenting, he might be awarded equal parenting time even if he has never seen the children. If you have a legal document in place before that happens, you will have much much more control over what happens in any custody battles. In my experience, it is very common for the initial feeling of "I don't want anything to do with them" to wear off once dad begins paying child support.

Another advantage to establishing a parenting plan would be that you could include provisions about health insurance and survivor's benefits which are applicable because he is in the military.