I need advice: He left me because I'm pregnant. - Page 3

[Oceanjones]

Just wanted to add about public assistance is that living with your parents will not affect your benefits.

I lived with my mom and I had to get a letter from her stating that we ate and prepared our meals seperately. She also wrote that I was paying her $100 a month in rent. Which I actually did but she didn't use it as rent. She put it away for me to have a bit of money to get things i needed when I did move out. It helped so much!

There's usually a bunch of pregnancy centers around and you can go to each of them and they will help with baby clothes and items. I've barely bought any clothes for any of my kids the first year because of the great people in these centers.

Also, if you do get medicaid depending on your state and all that you might be able to get a free breast pump through the insurance and if not you can get a free one through WIC. It's a very nice double electric one they give you too!

I've seen the MDC fairies thread here too and I am quite sure if you post in there there will be other mamas who would help out as well.

Of course you have us here and I would connect with a local Le Leche League and maybe a NINO group. There is nothing more valuable than the mother to mother support you get.

I was surprised that 2 of my friends got jobs well into their pregnancies. That wasn't the case for me but I wasn't really trying all that hard either
Even offer to be a fill-in. I have gotten in the door for a few different jobs that way.

Best wishes to you

[luvmyfirefly]

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. I wanted to send my support as well.

You should definitely legally establish paternity if you decide to keep the babies. The military does offer wonderful benefits, in fact they have the best daycare available even for infants if you are near enough to a base to take advantage of it.

As far as employment, you could try a temp agency for short term jobs before the babies. After they come, if your parents can help and you can get assistance, I think you'll have enough on your plate for those first few months without worrying about a job.

Best wishes to you in whatever path you choose.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I have not read all the responses, but because your boyfriend is in the military, the babies are entitled to the benefits of that (such as medical insurance and some other things). Talk to an attorney that specializes in or works with issues dealing with the military. If you are near a base, then there should be some. If not, then still try to find one. Even if he does not want to be a daddy, his employer will require him to provide support.

[izandleo]

I just wanted to send hugs your way and also to tell you that I have been pretty much a single mom ever since my DS was born (he's almost 3). I actually prefer being on my own raising him than having X interfering with his behavior ... not a good role model. I worked throughout my pregancy and just wanted to give you some advice on maternity leave. Just remember that it does indeed vary widely from place to place. Some companies will give you some paid leave based on how long you have worked there. Some have no maternity leave policies at all! : When I had DS, I did qualify for FMLA because I had worked at the company for just slightly over one year (one full year is required for eligibility for the leave). I took the entire 12 weeks I was eligible for under FMLA, but it was all unpaid. My old company did not provide for paid FMLA leave. So in other words, I relied veeeeery heavily on my family after DS's birth. Anyway, I did get my job back as soon as my 12 weeks were up. Is there any way you could find out inside information on the companies you would like to work for before their birth? If you could find a female friendly/family friendly company (I have heard that they exist), then I would go for getting a start, if you want to! Otherwise, there are plenty of alternatives as far as getting assistance from the government, and yes, especially if the father is in the military. All of the advice on this board is good advice. Please stay around, you will get support no matter what you decide to do. Also...I think I recently saw a thread from a new mom pregnant with twins who was having a really hard time. I'll see if I can find her thread. Be good to yourself right now! You are going through a very emotional time. You can be a single mom and can be a great single mom, if that is what you decide to do.

[katheek77]

Originally Posted by Shelsi

Also, and no one likes to think about this but it happens, if he dies his life insurance will go automatically to the babies unless he is married (it goes first to spouse, then children, then your own parents, etc) or unless he remembers to specifically state otherwise which most forget to do (there was an instance of a guy in my squadron who was seperated from his wife for like 15 years and just never bothered to actually get divorced...he passed away and the wife got $200K).

NOT TRUE.

He fills out a form naming his beneficiary (SGLV 8286) (for the first time, at the federal building BEFORE they even ship). Anytime they deploy they update this info, (if he's in a quick deploy unit, they do it every three months) and he can ask to change the beneficiary at any time. He can name whomever he wishes. He could name the next door neighbor if he so desires. IF there is no designated beneficiary, the order of precendence is spouse, then children, then parents. But if there is a clearly indicated beneficiary, that trumps all.

If he marries, btw, and DOESN'T name his wife (names his kids, the parents, etc.) his wife will receive a letter notifiying her that she is NOT named as the beneficiary, so, that's generally not going to happen in a semi-happy marriage.

In your friend's case, her husband either never named a beneficiary, or designated her to receive the money, and just never changed it

[Vypros]

You really sound like you want to have this baby. He, on the other hand, well, I think the User Agreement prohibits me from saying what needs to be said about him (and usually I take the guy's side!).

In any case, if you truly want this baby, and it sounds like you do, then to heck with him. But I wouldn't let him walk away either. I'd have the baby, let him leave, and then take his butt to court for as much child support as you can get out of him. (again, I'm usually on the guy's side with CS, but this guy's words really are ridiculous).

[meowee]

Twins, one of the most painful things to recover from is a coerced abortion. Choice means just that-- choice! That means you can choose TO have the babies as much as you can choose not to continue the pregnancy. It is your right to have that choice, one way or the other. Never allow someone to coerce you, threaten you, bully you, or scare you into an abortion. I have had 2 abortions, one was my choice and the other I was bullied and threatened into having. I am still broken and hurting from the one I was bullied into, but I am okay about the other one, since it wasn't pushed on me and I did choose it.

[katydid317]

Couldn't read and not respond either. I just want to re-iterate what all these pp's are saying: having a baby does NOT ruin your life, it just changes it. Yes, it is harder. Yes, school takes longer. But YES, if you want that baby you can have it, care for it, finish school, and do a damn good job of it, it's just a lot more work and determination.

Don't let anyone tell you you can't, try to find and spend time with people who can be supportive of whatever you decide, and take the time to decide.

I also agree, that your bf's reaction doesn't bode well for being with him even if you don't have the baby. But you can do it alone. In a lot of ways, being a single mom is easier than being a married mom whose husband is unhelpful, unsupportive, or even absent or abusive.

Best of luck, and hugs to you. You'll figure out what's right for you.

[Naless]

Since many PP have given you great advice of being a single parent I don't have anything to add but I did just want to send you hugs and support and to remind you that he didn't leave you because your pregnant he left you because he wanted to.

Whatever his reasons were they were his and his alone.

Sometimes the way we look at things determine how we deal with it. You are not responsible for him leaving and definately you being pregnant isn't responsible for him leaving that's just the excuse he is using. You being pregnant is one issue and him leaving is a seperate issue. Don't let one (him leaving) make you make a decision about the other (how you deal with your pregnancy).

Sending you warm wished and a prayer for strength.