Problems with Mother in Law - A bit of a Rant

[Upside]

Seeing as how there's not a "whine about your MIL forum," I thought I'd just post here. I just wanted to find out if I'm being reasonable in my interactions with my MIL. For starters, she is a certified hypochondriac and DH agrees. The problem is since I am a SAHM, I am expected to cart her to and from doctors, bring her groceries, and just generally sympathize. But I CAN'T! Just as an example, she got a splinter and ended up going to a hand surgeon and having physical therapy. For a SPLINTER! She moved to town when my daughter was born supposedly to help out, but it seems, on top of a toddler and being pregnant, I now have another child.

It is now to the point, where I check the caller ID and don't answer if it's her. In some ways I feel bad for her, she is divorced and her 2 daughters live far away, but I married her son, not her. My husband totally backs me up, but she knows I'm a sucker and that I hate conflict so she always makes sure to ask me to do things when DH has already said no. We did tell her today that her latest doctor's appt interfered with DD's needed nap and suddenly she tells us we cater to DD too much and overstimulate her with puzzles and books.

I guess what it comes down to is I feel sorry for her because she's alone, but I feel like I have to protect myself from her excessive demands. Is it unreasonable to refuse to take her to the doctor when it's 2 miles from her house and I know she's not really sick? Does anyone have a trick for learning to be strong and just start saying no? :

[LilyGrace]

Originally Posted by Upside

Does anyone have a trick for learning to be strong and just start saying no? :

Say it the first time. The satisfaction and sigh of relief you feel will make you want to do it more.

Seriously, be firm. Put the bus schedule and the taxi number right next to your phone so you can offer her alternatives first, along with a "I'm sorry, but I can't right now. XX:XX time works better for me. Would you mind then?" Lather, rinse, repeat. When she is inconvenienced, you'll find you will be less.

[Rani]

Also, perhaps she is lonely? See if you can get her involved in activities and definitely say no as needed. She is an adult with her capabilities intact...you have a right to set boundaries.

[Ann-Marita]

Originally Posted by Upside

Seeing as how there's not a "whine about your MIL forum," I thought I'd just post here.

Oh, but there IS a "whine about your MIL forum". But it's not on MDC. It's at:
www.motherinlawstories.com

I see that you are new to MDC. I DON'T want to discourage you from hanging out here - MDC is a great place.

[TinkerBelle]

What exactly are you afraid of? (That is a serious question, not a snark.)


It is not your responsibility to cater and coddle a grown woman. Say "no" when you do not want to chauffeur her here and there. If she talks badly about your child again, let her know that SHE is the adult and unless it is a life and death situation, that the child's needs come before her whims and whines.

[Upside]

Sorry if I've double posted this by accident, I am a conflict wimp and I'm afraid of setting off a major argument where everyone says things they regret. It's happened before, but come to think of it, those three weeks she didn't talk to me were some of the most peaceful in the past two years .

Everyone here is right, I just need to say no and stand my ground. I will also keep the number for a taxi nearby. This is emotional clutter that I don't need, I have a toddler after all.:

[lilyka]

Ok so you obviously care about her right. and it doesn't sound like you want to cut her off.

So i think you just need to set boundries. only answer the ohine when it is convinient for you to talk for a while and or help her. only help her if she calls ahead and makes arrangement. no last minute stuff. Perhaps have a day set aside to help her out (and no other days. for example tell her if she is going to need to see Dr.s this week and will need a ride to schedule appointments for mondays, then after the Dr. visit the two of you could go shopping together and then maybe out for lunch. then done for the week. follw up appointments etc, tell her you would love to help her get there. you will look up the number for a taxi.)

if you want to continue to help her that is fine (I understand being a softie I also understand how it is easy to get taken advantage of when you care and don't mind helping - to a point.) but certainly don't feel klike you always have to drop what you are doing. feel free to say "no" or even "later".

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I think what you are doing now will work just fine--and that is--check your caller ID and ignore it if it is her. How will she know that you are doing it on purpose? Besides, guilt is a useless emotion....
You see, this is the thing about energy vampires--they have no souls and they suck the life right out of you. Now, I don't mean to sound nasty about your monster-in-law, but it's true. They have no remorse about taking advantage of you and in fact, they prey on your insecurities about saying no or thinking that you will be seen as 'mean'. They don't do it to be MEAN, but they put their feelings OVER and above everyone else's--that's what I mean by 'have no souls'. They take and take and take and the thought of returning anything--like a favor--is beyond them. That would require that they think of someone other than themselves--and it doesn't happen for them.
Notice that her daughters are NO WHERE near you????? Do you think that is an accident? Do you think that THEY are feeling guilty???
If you don't want an out and out confrontation (and who does, it might make things worse)---you can lie (just a little)...for example: gee, I'm sorry that I can't take you today, my little one has an ear infection/sore throat/I have a sore throat/the plague, etc. OR do not answer the call. That's working for now. What's a little inconvenience of not answering the phone? If the phone ringing gets to you--turn off the ringer.
I have to respectfully disagree with the poster who suggested that you get MIL involved in an activity--that's like poison. If she hates it, it will be your fault; if she gets injured there (after all, your story of the hand surgeon for a splinter is an indication that it's coming!!!) or if she catches a cold from someone else there---then it will be your fault. You do not need this!
She does sound lonely, but she also sounds like she needs to be under the care of a therapist--and you should not take that on. You are in good shape since your husband backs you up.
My suggestion to you would be to call your SILs and suggest to them that THEY call their mother--don't give a reason just suggest that she isn't doing well (after all, that's what MIL is going to tell them once they do call--so it's not really a lie, now is it?)...and be as sweet as pie about it: "Hey SIL, do you know who called me this week? Why, it was your mother? Imagine that! Oh, she would just LOVE to hear from you? You should give her a call...ooopppsss, baby's crying, gotta run! I know your mom will be so happy that you called! Bye now!"
For what it's worth--some of the stories on the mother-in-law site that was suggested by another poster ring a little like Springer episodes--I'm not a fan of that site.
Welcome to MDC!!

[ThreeBeans]

"No" is a healthy and important word to learn how to use. Start now. Use it often. On your MIL, not your kids

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I agree that you need to say and stick to "no". But maybe it would be easier if you helped her with some proactive steps so she isn't so dependent on you? Find a social outlet for her? Help her get her driver's license? Find her something else to concentrate on rather than her health and you?

[~PurityLake~]

I would recommend simply saying no, without explanation. It's the explanations of why that get you sucked in. Avoid why and just say no.

[cjanelles]

Hey Upside...

I feel like I could have written your post--the only difference in that the MIL in question is my children's grandmother on their dad's side...I was never married to him, so she was never my MIL, and he and I have been apart for 10 years, so my relationship with her is completely independent of my relationship with him.

But I go through the exact same things with her...including the caller-id watching and the feeling guilty for not wanting to spend my every waking minute with her.

I have NO answers for you because the only solutions I can think of will only serve to create a whole new set of stress and problems, so I just choose to deal with the situation as it is.

Try to stand your ground and do what I do...tell her your tired and don't feel good...and maybe she'll leave you alone sometimes.

[Upside]

So glad I joined this community, it's so nice to get some fresh perspectives. BTW, my MIL does have a driver's license and is a very competent driver of a manual transmission and is very active in her church. She knows more folks in a year in a half than I've met in 10 years. But she is always is the middle of some crisis. What has worked a couple of times was too claim DD has a playdate, I just didn't tell her it was in the backyard with her sandbox

[lilyka]

Well... if she has a boat load of friends and a car and a liscence then she should be perfectly capable of driving herself on errends. If you still want to hang out with her have her over for coffee or invite her to go shoping with you. Whatever but on yur terms minus the crisis.