Advice needed - ex wants to take DS on vacation trip

[tessie]

I think, if your son will cope ok, you should let him go.

He' is his father and, although you understandably want your son with you as much as possible, he is entitled to see his son.

[WatermelonSnow]

It can be so hard to send our little ones off for any amount of time, even overnights. How did DS handle the overnight he has had? Personally, I would want to get at least a couple more of those in, and seehow DS reacts and feels, before agreeing to anything beyond that. It may come out that he isn't adapting well to the single overnights, and a longer time away may not be the best thing right now. He may do just fine. My DS was 3.5 when he went on a 3 day "vacation" with my parents. I knew he was attached to my mom, and he had a great adventure staying in a hotel and going to the zoo.

I am curious why it would be okay with you for your ex to take him for 3 nights, but not 4? You may need to examine why you set this limit.

[ShadowMom]

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[pranamama]

good luck with your decision, all I can think of is it doesn't really make sense that ds can be away from you one overnight a month, then you let him go for 4 nights. I wonder if it could be used to change the regular visitation schedule? I would probably go along on the trip or say 1 or 2 overnights max.

[WatermelonSnow]

If he was acting oddly after the last overnight and has been clingy lately, I would be inclined to try a few more overnights before committing to anything. It's hard to judge how he's handling it from just one time. Any number of factors go into how a child acts on a particular day, and it's the patterns of behavior that really tell you something.

As for the 3 nights vs. 4, just from my totally outside perspective on this, it seemed like splitting hairs. I'm not discounting what your mama intuition tells you at all, but it may be that your ex is seeing it this way, too: "Sheesh, what's one more night, it's not like I'm asking for an extra week?", yk?

[jillibug]

DD stayed with her dad for 8 weeks in Boston when she was 3 and she did great and loved it. Now she is 5 and having a really hard time. We are very close and she has been with me and my mother for a long time. I think it depends on the child. I personally for selfish reasons wouldn't let him go. But, if you think he will be okay and dad does well with him then go for it.

[Ruthla]

I would probably have never offered the 3 nights to begin with- it really sounds like your DS isn't anywhere near ready for that. The plan says 1 overnight a month and that's what I would have allowed. One overnight a week is more developmentally appropriate than 4 nights in a row once a month, or even once a year at this point.

I would say no to the vacation, but present an alternate plan. Maybe several overnights in a row, but someplace local (like at Dad's house) so you can get him if DS is really upset. Or at least do that as a trial before letting X take him out of town.

I really don't see how not letting him go away for half a week when he's 3 is going to affect the kinds of vacation that gets awarded when he's older. Next summer, DS will be 4.5 and MUCH more ready for a trip like this.

I would say "no" to the 4 consecutive day vacation, but maybe offer 2 overnights a month for the next year instead.

[Krystal323]

do you trust your ex as a parent?? 3.5 is young, yes, but then again, it's not like he's an infant needing breastmilk or something. if you're cool with 3 nites, why not four? or are you not actually ok with any nights at all, but are giving in to avoid an argument? together or apart, you two are still your son's parents, and your ex ought to be nearly as capable of caring and comforting his son as you are. If he's not, then it's high time he learned how! Providing your ex won't make light of ds' worries and lets you two talk on the phone as needed, i'd say sure, let him go.

ETA: !!!! HOW does your DS feel about going??? THAT would be my final deciding factor (and ought to be your ex's too, right...?)

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by pranamama

good luck with your decision, all I can think of is it doesn't really make sense that ds can be away from you one overnight a month, then you let him go for 4 nights. I wonder if it could be used to change the regular visitation schedule? I would probably go along on the trip or say 1 or 2 overnights max.

I agree.

I wouldn't let him go for that long. If ex takes you to court, and IF he gets vacation rights, at least your child would be that much older and hopefully a little more used to overnights by then. But I wouldn't just allow it voluntarily- I think that's way too young to send a little one off to a strange place with a person who's not even part of of their daily routine.

If it becomes a really hairy issue, I'd find a way to go along!

[brogansmomma]

I'd let him go for the four nights. Then again, I've never had any problems having my son away from me overnight even as an infant (my mom would take him as a break for me). I don't know the particulars obviously but I too don't see why the fourth night is a no way if three nights is okay. Personally, I think your son would surprise you and be just fine though he's rarely/never been away without you before. Is that what you're really worried about? That he WON'T need you? It's a valid feeling/concern but not one, IMO, that should prevent you from letting him go. Hugs mama!!!

[ElliesMomma]

just to offer this as food for thought: if you agree to 4 nights in a row now, what is he going to ask the court for? a week in a row? whereas if you hold the line on the 1 night as currently agreed to, he will have to ask the court to grant 4 nights.

[ElliesMomma]

"There are lots of things that happen over there that he tells me about, things that he hears or are said to him.

By offering 3 nights I was just attempting to offer something that sounds reasonable... I'm told that if we went to court, he would most likely get that very easily and it's fairly standard to get a week. Although he only ended up with one overnight a month visitation wise, so maybe that wouldn't be the case."

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i'm assuming it's your lawyer who told you that? you may want to consult with a second lawyer to get another opinion as well.

what are the things that happen or that he hears said?

you know, there's "being reasonable" -- but only if the other party is also reasonable. otherwise you may be giving away your ground-- don't do that.

[wytchywoman]

I would say no. if you think DS is not ready, which it sounds to me like he's not, then there is no reason why you should agree to allow that many overnights in a row, especially considering he has had one overnight visit period.
Just food for thought, when my XH and I were divorcing he wanted DS1 to go to New york for X-Mas ( we lived in AZ) when DS was about 2. Initially I said no way, never gonna happen, in the end it was arranged that i would go and XH would foot the bill for it all, including a rental car, airfare and a seperate hotel room. My view on this is that if your STBX wants the vacation to happen so d*mn bad, then he can pay for it to happen. He can pay for your travel expenses and the hotel room, and in exchange he gets to go on vacation with his 3 yo son. Just something you might want to run past your lawyer.

[Krystal323]

Originally Posted by guestmama-004

DS would never want to go. Ex spends quite a bit of (non-overnight) time with DS during the week, but DS rarely goes over there willingly. He pretty much cries and tells me he doesn't want to go every single time.

!! and your x knows this, yet still wants to make him go over there? that sucks.

i might say no after all, given that.. good luck mama...

[Jster]

Just some thoughts, I've been through this as I had court ordered extended visits for my barely 2yo. First, I made her dad work up to it in town...both by building a relationship over time and having one overnight, then two in a row, etc. She ended up handling it well, and having had his cooperation made all the difference in the world in terms of my comfort. Also, in our situation, she had her big sister with her, so there was that feeling of "home" all the time. I did have to send dd1 off on a 3 or 4 day trip with her dad before that...and she did fine. She was just turning 3 at the time. BUT she never hesitated or resisted going to her dad's, it was always a happy exciting thing, so that makes a HUGE difference to me. And that time, I made sure I was close by (stayed with family about 5 hours from where she was, rather than being a two day drive away), so if she did get overwhelmed, she could come home.

And just for the record, I think with little kids there IS a big difference between 3 and 4 overnights. Plus, if I understand things correctly, he'd be driving two days, staying a night or two, then driving two days back???? That doesn't sound like a good vacation to me, unless your child is really good at/used to being in the car for long periods, it could be pure misery on everyone's part, and driving is a hard time to parent solo.

Since you have discretion at this point, he's only had one overnight in town, your son shows reluctance, and the trip isn't going to be time together so much as stressful travel time, I'd say no. And I do agree that precedents can be set by things like this...if you agree to three or four days now, you've lost the chance to work up to it. If it was for something really special (like a wedding...that's what my dd went to, she was the flower girl) then maybe it makes sense, but otherwise, he will just have to develop a relationship with your ds and wait until ds is ready.

[Vypros]

If you are willing to let him go for 3 nights, then what's the big deal about 1 more night?

IMO, you should let him go. It's not everyday that a father wants to take his kid on vacation or WANTS to have anything to do with his kids after a divorce.

[MamaNosBest]

Originally Posted by Krystal323

!! and your x knows this, yet still wants to make him go over there? that sucks.

i might say no after all, given that.. good luck mama...

Uh, i beg to differ. A three year old doesn't "want" to do a lot of things that are good for them, and relationship with his father is definitely good for him. And there's no way the child is going to get used to being alone with his dad except for allowing him to be alone with his dad.

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by Krystal323

!! and your x knows this, yet still wants to make him go over there? that sucks.

i might say no after all, given that.. good luck mama...

It's a natural thing. Not to brag, but I really don't think anybody is a better father than I am to my children, and my son went through a phase where he didn't want to go with me.

In my case, it was because my ex was trashing me to the stone age while he was around.

Not pointing fingers or accusing here at all, but you have to be really careful what you say around your kids about their father...even if he is scum. Let them come to that conclusion themselves.

Like I said, though, I'm not saying that's the case HERE, but I did want to throw that out there for people reading this thread.

[WatermelonSnow]

Originally Posted by MamaNosBest

Uh, i beg to differ. A three year old doesn't "want" to do a lot of things that are good for them, and relationship with his father is definitely good for him. And there's no way the child is going to get used to being alone with his dad except for allowing him to be alone with his dad.

Allowing him or forcing him?

[Vypros]

Originally Posted by WatermelonSnow

Allowing him or forcing him?

We, as a society, don't like that word anymore do we?

But you know, sometimes you ahve to look at the bigger picture.

For instance, let's say that her son doesnt want to go with her dad, so she doesn't make him go. So, he realizes that he doesn't HAVE to do it. What happens? Well, the obvious thing is that he's never going to see his father because he'll never want to go with him.

So, is the ramifications of a son choosing not to have a father better or worse than forcing him to go a couple of times until he gets used to the idea of the seperation?