I Need Advice: Bad reaction to date

[Jenny_Jane]

O.k I would like to say hi! I'm Nicole I do not post in forum to often to often, but I really need some advice. One of my closest friends died of breast cancer, leaving behind her a husband and a 2yo dd. Her dh could not afford to quit his job or daycare so I volunteered to watch his dd while he was at work. We have become very close friends and he explained how I had become like his dds second mommy and asked me out on a date (for Friday.) I said yes, I figured this was the first step to getting back "In The Loop." When I told my dds they just gave me this look of disbelief, then both gave eachother that look, and locked themselves in their room and gave me the silent treatment. When they finally did talk to me they asked me "Do you think you can replace dad?!?" They havent talked to me since then . I sat them down and explained that No man could ever replace their dad but I'm lonely and need someone to talk to, it's really hard to raise four beautiful talented children alone, ect. Was it to soon to except a date? should I break our date? Any advice on how to deal with dds or at least to get them to talk to me? Thanks for your help

Nicole

[Jster]

Just wanted to send a hug. They are probably still dealing with their grief...and no, you aren't trying to replace their dad. Their dad was undoubtedly a blessing lost too soon...but it has been almost a year, and if you feel ready, then by all means. Perhaps just keep it to yourself.

One other thought, though, is that starting a relationship with this still grieving widower might taint your relationship with him...rather than leading to something that is true and solid and stable for both of you, it might be more a relationship of convenience, security, etc. But I'm sure you've thought that through

a formerly single mama...

[wytchywoman]

In short, no I don't think you should break the date. I don't know a whole lot about your circumstances so I don't know how long you have been single, but I don't think your DD's are being reasonable. If I estimated their age correctly from your sig line I think they are around 15? Far old enough to understand that romance and companionship are a necessary part of everyone's life. By breaking this date you are reinforcing the notion that dear old mom must now be a lonely, single spinster for the rest of her life. That is not healthy for you or for them. It is simply a date. You aren't replacing anyone and they need to see that you can get your needs met without their true needs being displaced either. Good luck and I hope you have fun on your date!

PS... after reading a PP I take it that their father is passed away, which makes their reaction more understandable, but my answer still remains the same. Go on the date, have fun, show then that life can and will go on and that no one is replacing their dad, but that you have needs that they can't and shouldn't meet. There is nothing wrong with adult companionship. When they are older they will understand.

[ookami]

Hmmm... I guess I would try to put it in a really positive light. You're still their mom, you love them and cherish the memories you have of the past... but you want to go on a date. That doesn't change ANYTHING and to be honest, most dates are just dates - sometimes they lead to relationships but most of the time they don't. To discuss your loneliness or the fact that it's hard to raise 4 kids seems to be a little off topic - yes, all of those things are true of course. But you're just someone who wants to go on a date. If things change later, you'll let them know. For now, just a date. If you do go, have fun

[trinity6232000]

I feel kinda weird replying to this post. I'm much older than your girls, but I know a little how
they feel. My Mom passed last Sept, and my Dad was dating a woman by New Years. It felt
really strange, I didn't want him to stop dating this woman cause I knew she was a real comfort
to his life, but I did have a lot of questions that laid heavy on my heart about the situation.

When ever I feel weird (yeah I know, I still feel weird about it) I talk to my Dad about it. Not
about feeling weird, but just in general about his relationship. He's been really cool about this,
and it helps me sort threw my own feelings. I realize I'm 32, not a child, so many think I should
just get over it, but it's unsettling to loose a parent, and then have the living parent start a new
relationship. Plus I was close to my Mom, and very close to my Dad. So it was a little hard to
deal with it all so quickly.

If I were you I would keep the date. If more feelings develop, take it really slow. Talk to your
teen daughters and tell them that they can talk to you about anything, that you won't be offended
if they have questions or concerns about you dating. I know in my case I didn't want my Dad to
do anything, I didn't want him to stay single. It just felt really good to be able to talk to him about
everything. It felt really good to have my feelings heard.