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What the @#$% is wrong with me? - Page 7

post #121 of 138
I thought you were very brave posting this because I agree, there are probably others here that have these moments and we just don't hear bout them because they're not quite courageous enough to post about it.

I can understand how you're feeling and I hope you're able to find a solution quickly.
post #122 of 138
Originally Posted by Pam_and_Abigail View Post
for you, I have been in this position more times than I'd like to admit. And I've read Unconditional Parenting. And I bought Siblings without Rivalry and read most of it too. I've also started reading "Mother Nurture" by Rick Hanson et al. On page 81 (in the section on self-forgiveness) they outline it like this:

(please don't get scared away by the word 'incompetence' - it just means we all recognize that our overreactions are inappropriate)

"Stage 1: Unconcious Incompetence: You're not aware of the problem

Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence: You realize you shouldn't be doing it, but
you can't stop yourself. This is by far the most unconfortable stage.

Stage 3: Conscious Competence: The inclination to snap harshly still arises within your mind, but you catch it and do something different, like take a deep breath and speak more calmly.

Stage 4: Unconscious Competence: The tendency doesn't even arise. Sometimes it's even hard to remember that you used to act in a different way"

I'm guessing you're stuck at #2, trying to get to #3. That's about where I am. Things I am trying to remember to do are like couting in my head or deep breathing, or stepping back to view the situation from a distance. Once I pretended my kids were actually someone's kids on mdc, and I was reading a thread about the behaviour rather than seeing it firsthand from my own kids. I was much nicer in my response. I've also done some meditating and have discovered some interesting things about myself and why I react.
It's hard to remember to stop before reacting. I've actually got a reward chart for myself, of sorts. It's just a tally sheet to count the number of positive interactions I foster with my kids. Being nice to my kids in intrinsically motivating, but keeping track of it has helped me stop and think before acting.

If I were posting something similiar to the OP this would be exactly what I would be hoping for in the responses. I have hit J 3 times and all 3 times happened before she turned 1 years old. I remember all 3 incidences and they still haunt me. However, had I come on here and read that I should seek counseling I would have tuned out. I don't know why but just the thought of counseling shuts me off. Anyway, I did find help ... here. I haven't hit her for over 2 years now and it wasn't due to counselling. Not that counselling is bad advice; it just wouldn't work for me. I do think that attacking each other is counterproductive. If you see something inappropriate that's what the moderators are for. Our main concern should be providing support.

Ruthla, you are in my thoughts, and I sincerely hope that you find the answers you need.
post #123 of 138
I struggled to read through the first page, and got to the end and realized there were 7 pages of replies. : I can't read them all, but here are some idea's...

1) Sounds like you need some you-time. I gather that you're a single mom, so that's a bit harder. A few things to take advantage of: your dd's are older which means you could arrange a sleepover weekend exchange with some of their friend's parents. That would leave you with only your DS to take care of, and then you could hire a babysitter or catch some quiet time after he's asleep.

2) Your original post said you felt that you had to intervene when a 5 year old was being violent with a 12 year old. Why not teach the 12 year old how to handle him, situation by situation. Teach her how to re-direct him. Teach her that if she takes 5-10 minutes to play computer WITH him, he'll tire of it and leave her alone when she's on there. There are tons of games for his age, email me if you want me to send you some links.

3) Get a timer and offer up some sort of reward to your dd's to keep ds busy until the timer goes off. Set the timer to 10 minutes at first, and gradually increase it until you can turn DS over to them for a half hour here and there.

4) Always use Mapquest or Google Maps before going anywhere you've never been before. (I'm sorry you missed your appointment...I know how stressful that can be)

5) **This is most important** take on more kids. : Seriously. It sounds as though DD1 is self-entertaining, but DD2 and DS have a harder time without your attention. Invite their friends over. I can't tell you how much of a salvation it was to move to a place where there's a little girl down the hall who's my ds's age. She comes over and they play in his room so I can work and then he has someone else to chatter to. The only downfall when they first started hanging out, was the incredible mess two little people somehow manage to make. But I made them clean it up themselves (her mother was on the same page and they were made to clean their mess when he was over there too), and they've learned not to just dump everything on the floor now. I get some very solid uninterrupted time, it's wonderful.

Good luck finding your goove.
post #124 of 138
Thread Starter 
DD1 is "self entertaining" because she's at sleepaway camp right now!

My kids do spend a lot of time with their friends- the problem we had the other day was in the evening after DD's friends went home and DS came in from playing outside with the neighbors.

Things really are better now than they were a few days ago. Physically, I don't feel well- I have Fibromyalgia and I'm currently in a flare, but mentally I'm in a much better place.
post #125 of 138
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
She is getting help, or at least attempted to get help by coming here, only to have the responses like yours thrown at her with no consideration as to what affect this mas have on her family. Think CPS.
I'm sorry, I have to chime in here. I haven't seen this thread in awhile and am shocked at the turn it has taken. Gently suggesting that someone seek counseling is not a bad thing...I'm a therapist and I get therapy and honestly, I think most people would benefit tremendously from it. Coming to an online bullentin board is NOT the same thing or remotely close. Therapy with a good therapist is a healing relationship that can work wonders in people's lives. There are plenty of places to receive free therapy...I provided therapy for organizations during my internship and beyond that provide it free to the community.

I think it is a loving suggestion and I really hate the fact that getting therapy in still so stigmatized in this society...it is the profound work of our lives and we are all entitled to it, IMO. (Obvioulsy that isn't the case because our healthcare system is pathetic, but I do believe that therapy would help 99.99% of the population).

It sounds to me like the OP could use support...and therapy can be that and much, much more.

Oh, and CPS wouldn't touch this one. These kids aren't being abused from the OP's story. It kinds of annoys me that folks think that CPS is all about snatching children out of their homes. Most CPS agencies are very interested in family preservation. I've had loads of friends working for CPS and kids are taken out of homes when it is dangerous for them to stay.
post #126 of 138
Swamp- Not once did i say therapy is a bad thing, and I agree it can be a very healing relationship. My mother has had a therapist for some years now and it has done wonders for her self esteem and overall image of herself. She has become a strong and independant woman in part thanks to her therapist. So who is stigmatizing therapy?

What I have been saying is that I don't believe this situation warrants the cost and added stress of therapy for Ruth.

As for CPS "snatching children" I too have acquiantances who are social and intake workers who admit that taking children is a common occurance at our county's office.

And what is deemed dangerous is all in the eyes of the caseworker. There are workers who strongly feel breastfeeding past infancy, co-sleeping, and a vegetarian or vegan lifestyle are dangerous and warrant removal of children.

So yes, to paint CPS with a broad brush, they pay lipservice to "keeping the family intact" but in reality keeping the family intact does not bring in revenue. Now, foster care and court costs, now THAT brings in some chump change.
post #127 of 138
I'm not sure where you live but there are quite stringent guidelines for removing children from homes where I live. I'm sorry and quite shocked that it is not the case in your county. It actually costs quite a lot to do an investigation and most social service agencies aren't in the business of making money, believe it or not. There are plenty of other gov't agencies that might but social services usually gets the lowest budgets.

Anyway, therapy shouldn't be viewed as an added stress. It is more commonly used as a way of addressing stress in one's life. Everyone has a different take on this, but IMO, it is a way to get support and help and someone to lean on when times are rough. Personally, I don't see it as an added stress.
post #128 of 138
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post

Why am I so damn irritable lately? Why do I keep on taking sides in their sibling rivalries?
I sooo wish I had my own room and I could go to bed without having to interact with him.
We're going through a tough time now and dh asked me what would help and not to consider $. I have a sitter coming 9-1 everyday. I go bike, etc for 2 hours and then take one kid out to lunch and a special treat for 2 hours. We all need & deserve some special time.

sometimes, it just happens. You can't explain it. You can't control it. Just look to how to resolve it.
My dh is out of town 5 days/week and my son has health issues which make him CRABBY. BUT, this week has been lovely so far.
post #129 of 138
post #130 of 138
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
Physically, I don't feel well- I have Fibromyalgia and I'm currently in a flare, but mentally I'm in a much better place.

hey, OT, but ds' issue is candida/yeast. And, in my studies , i have learned that it often complicates fibromyalgia. have you ever looked into this? I talked to a lady who had fibromyalgia horribly and she has since resolved it. anyhow, OT and no offense I hope
post #131 of 138
Thread Starter 
Even if CPS investigates and closes the case as "unfounded", it still causes added stress and weakens my trust in the therapist. I recently went through this when my mother's therapist reported me to CPS for homeschooling (the case was closed as soon as the caseworker saw that I had all the NYS required paperwork in order.)

But this isn't about fear of CPS- it's mostly about the fact that I'm already running around to a million different appointments and errands and I'm not doing well physically with all this running around. Adding in another appointment is NOT going to help things.

The Bach Flower Remedies I put together and started taking again, however, have been hugely helpful.
post #132 of 138
I forgot about this Ruth, but I had some sessions with an Emotional Freedom Technique therapist on the telephone when dd was an infant. She worked at the Optimal Wellness Center in Chicago (www.mercola.com). That was really helpful to me to help me diffuse alot of the emotional stuff I had going on after dd's birth. That 30 minutes of "me" time was really helpful while I was handling a colicky high need infant and dealing with Post Traumatic Stress. (talk about ) After you learn the technique you can do it by yourself, but I have to be honest, I'm not very good about setting aside time to do it myself.
post #133 of 138
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Actually, what really happens is that it is rarely posted about here at MDC, except by the really honest and brave.

But, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

And, we all can't be as relaxed at gentle as people in glass houses now can we?

I have been where Ruthla is. No judgment from me. I know from experience she is most likely judging herself more harshly than any of us ever could.

I firmly believe that there are many people on MDC who do MANY things that MDC members at large wouldn't condone. They don't speak up because of this. Which really is a shame, because people can't be honest with their feelings, get support.. and in effect, cannot be online who they really are in RL out of fear of being ostracized from their favorite mothering forum.

Ruthla, you have my support. Thank you for being so brave and honest.
post #134 of 138
Originally Posted by BusyMommy View Post
hey, OT, but ds' issue is candida/yeast. And, in my studies , i have learned that it often complicates fibromyalgia. have you ever looked into this? I talked to a lady who had fibromyalgia horribly and she has since resolved it. anyhow, OT and no offense I hope
Yup. Another thing to look into is celiac disease/leaky gut syndrome. I have done a gluten free diet before and had almost completel resolution of my symptoms, but it is an unbelievably expensive and sucky diet to stick to. Very difficult to pledge a lifetime of GF, especially in the US where everything has gluten in it.
post #135 of 138
My sympathy is with you, Ruthla.
I know what it is like to never get alone time.
And I know how it feels dealing with sibling rivalry.
My stepson (J) is 10 yrs old, my oldest daughter is 2 and my youngest daughter is 10 months.
J has always been out of control with his temper and with not sharing.
J gets violent and aggressive to my daughters.
I get so angry at J.
J has kicked, hit, shoved, arm twisted, and even bitten so hard he left a mark on A for over two weeks!
J's excuses always begin with "she" did.... to validate his actions.
She's TWO!!! He's 10!!

We're in the middle of my husbands 3 week visitation.
Can you tell?
Right now J is at his weekly counseling session with his dad.
J has been seeing a counselor for his anger/aggression issues for nearly two years.
I wish it would work.
We discipline J in the ways his mom and counselor suggest: Timeouts and discussing what would have been a better choice.

I also get so frustrated with A being too rough with her little sister.
There have been times I've been so angry at A I've yelled at her and I have spanked and felt sooooo bad about it because I don't believe in spanking.
When I've told her the umpteenth time to be gentle, that kicking is not a good choice, that biting gives owies (btw, A never bit until J bit her over christmas break when she was only 18 mos old), etc.
and S is screaming in pain or discomfort.
That is when I sometimes lose it.
I try to keep my calm and for the most part I discipline A appropriately.
But those rare moments that I don't, have me feeling ashamed of myself and regretting it and wanting to turn back the clock.
post #136 of 138
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post

Most days, I'm up with DD until I go to bed, and up with DS as soon as I wake up. Child-free time simply does not exist!!!
I'm responding late here, sorry, but I've just started rereading this thread.

I can relate to the lack of child-free time. One of my kids has trouble sleeping and is up late and one of the others is up bright and early. It's hard.

On a parenting list I'm on we were talking about how to deal with night owl kids who won't go to bed early enough to give their parent(s) alone time. What works for some is to set limits on the night owl. The child can be awake but should not be doing anything to disturb the parent(s). The parent(s) only interact with the child to the extent that they can stand it without going nuts

FE: Okay mom is going to stay up and read her book/watch tv and you can sit on the couch with me but please sit still and don't climb on me or whatever. Would something like this work for you?
post #137 of 138
Originally Posted by swampangel View Post

You said you were wondering why his stuff and their sibling rivalry triggers you...do you think it's triggering old stuff for you? I often find that when my reactions are really overdetermined for the given situation, it's probably about something else. And parenting and sibling issues can really bring that old stuff out.

I was wondering about this too. The times when I have to struggle the most to be logical and calm, when I just snap and have severe reactions without knowing why- are normally linked to an event from childhood involving a sibling or myself at the same age. Do you have a brother? A younger sibling? Were YOU a younger sibling who maybe got punished too harshly for doing things to older siblings? I've realized that I've gotten these stupid core beliefs in my head because of things back then- like children are an inconvenience, or 4 yo don't get snuggles or patience anymore because they're too old. Just realizing that they're there helps some.

I really hope you can get the time, support, and understanding that you need to help you be the mama you want to be. I'm still working on it too.
post #138 of 138
Originally Posted by 2bluefish View Post
I forgot about this Ruth, but I had some sessions with an Emotional Freedom Technique therapist on the telephone when dd was an infant. She worked at the Optimal Wellness Center in Chicago (www.mercola.com). .
I just read through the entire thread, and wanted to add my support for EFT as well. In fact, you can learn to do it yourself for free on their website. I have trouble talking to therapists because I always feel on the defensive, but this has worked WONDERS for me. Not that I don't have issues anymore but it has really helped so much. I have also started working with someone over the phone to help me with my "big" issues that I was having a hard time resolving on my own, but I did most of the work the first year on my own. Definately worth trying and keeping in your bag of tricks! In fact, if you search fibromyalgia on the website there are quite a few articles about using EFT to help the pain.

Good luck.
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