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What the @#$% is wrong with me? - Page 3

post #41 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
I thought of a good example here. In this month's Mothering, there is an article about a mom who had PPS and who needed help. That was a much more severe situation than the OP, but still, it is someone who was out of control and needed help. The article didn't say she was a bad mother - it said she was a good mother who needed help. Then she got the help, and things were better. This is how I see this situation, on a smaller scale. The mother has a problem with rage, which is not uncommon. She is a good mother who needs help getting that problem under control. To tell her she doesn't have a problem isn't any more useful to her or her children than it would be to tell a mom with PPS that she is just suffering from "a little road bump" and she'll get over it with a glass of wine.
Exactly!
post #42 of 138
I didn't say it was normal, common, or ok.

But I know Ruthla an I know she doesn't hit her kids because of a violent temper. I know this isn't the norm for her household. This is the exception to the rule.

It's not acceptable, but telling her she is a poor parent because she reacted in a less than perfect way it not the answer.

I consider swatting a child's butt to be hitting. I consider a pop on the hand hitting. I consider pushing hitting.

Hitting is never ok. I am not condoning her behavior, but I will continue to support her so she feels comfortable coming to MDC for advice and support in getting past THIS ROAD BUMP.

This is not the end of her life as a parent. It's not the last problem she'll have as a parent. Ruthla will learn and make changes accordingly, I am sure. Arming herself with tools to better react to her son, to be more aware of her own emotions and to remove herself when she is feeling overwhelmed will go along way.

Ruthla is not a violent mother.

I think what posters lke to do, is to project their personal experiences on to others, and when they read about one incidence they use a broad brus hto paint this as a typical occurance in a mama's journey.

No, drinking a glass of wine, won't negate her actions, but it may help her to become more relaxed so she can think less emotionally. Yes, this is a bump in the road of parenting. But instead of throwing in the towel, how about learning to maneuver around and avoid future bumps?
post #43 of 138
Again, no one called her a bad mother. A bad mother wouldn't look for advice on a gentle parenting forum.

And how is looking for help "throwing in the towel"?
post #44 of 138
Throwing in the towel: confusing one inappropriate act with a mental illness.
post #45 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
Again, no one called her a bad mother. A bad mother wouldn't look for advice on a gentle parenting forum.

And how is looking for help "throwing in the towel"?

I didn't say BAD, I said poor. There is a huge difference between being a bad mother and being a poor parent.
post #46 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Throwing in the towel: confusing one inappropriate act with a mental illness.
Having problems controlling rage doesn't mean you have a mental illness. But it does mean you need help controlling your rage if you lose control around your children.
post #47 of 138
How does losing control ONCE = having rage issues?
post #48 of 138
I am kindly advising those who consider this a rage issue to take a step back and reflect on their motives for this. If this is an issue of projecting (which is a concern in and of itself) please refrain.
post #49 of 138
Ruthla, my mom had anger issues and I had anger issues before I had DD which have largely gone away but the last few weeks here have been stressful and I have found myself being snappish (verbally) in a way I just don't like. IME, when one just "loses it", there is a point where the person can make the decision to not allow it to go further. It is the point where if one continues the interaction the situation will escalate. When your DS was pushing keys on the keyboard, you could have made the decision to leave the room and have a mommy-timeout but instead you went over there and hit your DS. What I started doing was picturing a time that my mom lost it on me at the critical juncture and that helped me say to myself, "is DD going to hurt herself? No? Ok, time to remove myself and count to 10." Maybe you could try picturing this last incident with your DS, not to make yourself feel guilty, but to stop yourself in your tracks at the moment that you are about to do something you will regret. Then remove yourself (unless someone is going to get hurt) for a few minutes and regain your composure.

In the long run though, try to make your life a little more peaceful if possible. People can only take so much stress. Try and eliminate some stressors, pray a little (you are religious, I believe) and talk to someone about all that is going on in your life.
post #50 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
I am kindly advising those who consider this a rage issue to take a step back and reflect on their motives for this. If this is an issue of projecting (which is a concern in and of itself) please refrain.
It isn't projection. She said can't control her temper with her son, and that in this particular case she lost control and yelled at him and repeatedly hit him. She asked what she should do. We gave our opinions based on what we'd do if we had lost control with our kids and repeatedly hit them. I know what I would do - I'd go to a counselor to ask for help in controlling my rage. I have a couple of friends whom I greatly respect who have gone to counselors for that specific reason. I don't think less of them or their parenting for that - on the contrary I think it shows how caring and gentle they are that they don't gloss over it and they take care of the problem. I don't understand why you have such a negative opinion about going to a counselor when a mother has something she needs help with.
post #51 of 138
Megan,

That is great advice.

One of the reaons I am so serious about gentle parenting is because o the way my parents raised me. I wasn't spanked, but I was yelled at and belittled.

It really helps to keep the memory with you when you are working toward a gentle life with your own kids.

Another thing that helps me is to consider Kailey's feelings when it comes to how I react to her.

I've yelled before, but make efforts to change this reaction.

If I were to have read multiple posts by Ruth about her out of control behavior, hitting her babes repeatedly and consistantly, my posts her would be a different. But, thankfully, I know this is not a normal or common occurance.
post #52 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
It isn't projection. She said can't control her temper with her son, and that in this particular case she lost control and yelled at him and repeatedly hit him. She asked what she should do. We gave our opinions based on what we'd do if we had lost control with our kids and repeatedly hit them. I know what I would do - I'd go to a counselor to ask for help in controlling my rage. I have a couple of friends whom I greatly respect who have gone to counselors for that specific reason. I don't think less of them or their parenting for that - on the contrary I think it shows how caring and gentle they are that they don't gloss over it and they take care of the problem. I don't understand why you have such a negative opinion about going to a counselor when a mother has something she needs help with.

On the contrary, I find counseling to be very helpful when needed. My motto is if you don't have the skills then you need to acquire them. Counselors often have great suggestions and advice when it comes to learning new ways to deal with issues.

But, I don't consider this one of those occasions.
post #53 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
I am kindly advising those who consider this a rage issue to take a step back and reflect on their motives for this. If this is an issue of projecting (which is a concern in and of itself) please refrain.
But it kind of is a rage issue. Not that Ruthla rages frequently but really once is enough. My mom was generally not a hitter but I remember distinctly a time when we were coming home from church (I was about 6) and all of a sudden she started screaming and hitting us. She was driving and she is as strong as a wet noodle so the hitting wasn't so hard but she did scare the cr** out of me. My brother and I were probably fighting in the backseat but I don't remember that, all I remember is my mom losing it on us. -Although she didn't hit, this was part of a verbal-rage pattern for her.

Maybe I am projecting but I do know that when someone without the possibility of relief gets very irritable to the point where they start screaming and hitting, things can degenerate to where the parent is irritable as part of a pattern.

Ruthla, I also take Rescue Remedy and do some hardcore exercise when I get irritable. I also have DH take DD out for some me time. I know you are a single mama but do you have anyone who can take your DS for a few hours just so you can recharge? You need to refill yourself before you can be a good caretaker to your kids.
post #54 of 138
The very first time I lose control and hit my daughter will be the day I call someone for help. It will not have to be a repeated thing.
post #55 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by InDaPhunk View Post
You need more than a "glass of wine" or to "take a hot bath" to deal with this. This is beyond being "drained". A great many people that post here are drained, all the time or much of the time, but they don't hit their kids, no matter how highly irritatingly the dc's are behaving and how drained the moms and dads are.
.
Actually, what really happens is that it is rarely posted about here at MDC, except by the really honest and brave.

But, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

And, we all can't be as relaxed at gentle as people in glass houses now can we?
post #56 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
The very first time I lose control and hit my daughter will be the day I call someone for help. It will not have to be a repeated thing.


Ruthla- you know where I stand.

Namaste,
post #57 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Actually, what really happens is that it is rarely posted about here at MDC, except by the really honest and brave.
post #58 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Potty Diva View Post
Actually, what really happens is that it is rarely posted about here at MDC, except by the really honest and brave.
yes, i think we all agree that spanking and yelling does occur with moms here. otherwise, this forum wouldn't exist....we wouldn't need it.

i am a recovering "yeller".
post #59 of 138
I don't buy this at all. I don't buy that all or even most moms here lose control and hit their kids from time to time. Let's say it was the dad occasionally hitting the mom. Would we still be so understanding and saying the dad didn't need to get help controlling his temper?

It sounds like this mom has a particularly large amount of stress with a few kids and being a single mom, but that's an even better reason for her to find some help. She's dealing with more than most moms deal with, and therefore might be more likely to need help. And I read someone said she's religious - if so she very likely has resources available through her church.
post #60 of 138
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
This just had me cracking up. I haven't had sex in at least a year..
Girl...you gotta get you some! Seriously I haven't read the whole thread but want to send you a hug. It is so hard to be a parent. I have ten year old twins that fight day and night about everything and at times I am so pulling my hair out. If I could get some really good sex I am sure that would help a lot but I am big as a cow right now and over the top with pregnancy hormones.

We all blow it sometimes, apologise and move on with a plan to react differently next time.
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