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Help me heal from my c-section...LONG

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
Hi all,

I'm new here, but I thought maybe some of you could help me out. When I was pregnant with my son my water broke at 32w4d and my contractions started about 30 minutes later. We arrived at the hospital and they saw that I was 2 cm dilated and contracting HARD every two minutes. They gave me a shot to stop my labor, but it didn't work, so they gave me another dose. Still no luck. I was suppose to be transfered to CHKD since they have a NICU, so my ob checked me again to make sure I was stable to go. I was still contracting like crazy and I was 6cm dilated. My baby was transverse, lying diagonal in my uterus and his knee was the presenting part. So, with my labor still progressing and the baby in a bad position, ob announces C-SECTION. Despite his efforts for a low-transverse incision, I ended up with a J-cut on my uterus which pretty much squashes my hopes for a VBAC since the risk of rupture is so high.

I wanted an un-medicated, natural birth and now I'll never have it! I feel cheated out of being a woman. I feel like I gave life to my son but didn't give birth to him. Since he was pre-term, it was all the worse, since I couldn't even see him for 24 hours or hold him until he was 4 days old. I've read the sticky about c-sections and think there are some great suggestions for next time (not pregnant, but we want more kids).

Anyone feel similar? I've tried talking to people IRL but they all say I'm "lucky" that I had a c-section and didn't have to push a baby out. Or, that I should just get over it and be thankful that I have a healthy child. I wish I could just get over it, but my son is now 15 months old and it's still something I think about everyday. I wish people would think before they speak.

Any support/resources you can give me will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!
post #2 of 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs-Mama View Post
they all say I'm "lucky" that I had a c-section and didn't have to push a baby out. Or, that I should just get over it and be thankful that I have a healthy child. I wish I could just get over it, but my son is now 15 months old and it's still something I think about everyday. I wish people would think before they speak.
They actually had the nerve to say that to you? ...just get over it??? JUST get over it? OMG girl I would have slapped someone senseless if that had been me.

I had two emerg c\s, one preemie one (two preemie babies out of 5 kids). Are you bf'ing? What really helped me with my last c\s was the bf'ing. The closeness and the cuddling with boober really helped.

I also wrote a lot in a journal about feelings and thoughts concerning my c\s (both). If you need to talk, just pm me (hugs)
post #3 of 9
That's really rough mama! Please do work through it. You'll be better off in the end. I hear that Birthing from Within (you can find it on amazon) is a good read and has ideas on healing. (I ordered for myself last night: )

Lots of hugs and healing vibes!
post #4 of 9
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheal View Post
Are you bf'ing? What really helped me with my last c\s was the bf'ing. The closeness and the cuddling with boober really helped
Yes, I am BFing, no thanks to the hospital staff. I asked about pumping right away and they told me to take a break and start the next day. I was so out of it, that I didn't demand a pump. My supply was slow to come in, so he got formula for a day or two before I could supply him with breast milk full-time. I will know better next time, especially since c-section moms take longer for milk to come in anyway.

I agree with you on BFing. It was the ONE thing that I could do that no one else could. Special preemie-milk made by me just for him! That was the other thing...people saying that at least I was getting some rest since I didn't have to take care of a baby (HELLO? Nothing I would have rather have done, ya know?) So, I always responded that I was pumping 9 times a day and driving to and from the hospital twice a day. When exactly was I suppose to rest? Vent over.
post #5 of 9
My baby is 21 months old and I still think about it , A LOT! It gets better every day. And yes, there are quite a few insensitive people out there who seem to think that a healthy baby is the ONLY thing that is important, regardless of mother's feelings. And uh, I would like to point out that you didn't get a healthy baby right away, as your baby was in the NICU and you couldn't hold them for FOUR days! More trauma, and people are just discounting that.
Your feelings are pretty common among a lot of csection moms. I have found lots of help and healing at the International Cesarean Awareness Network (ICAN - www.ican-online.org ) They have online groups and there are chapters around the country that hold monthly meetings. You may also want to do some more research on a J incision and the risk of the rupture for that type of incision for yourself as well, if you haven't already. I thought that there have been some mothers who have VBAC'd with that type of incision. And even if you still don't feel comfortable with the risk, I think it would be more empowering to say "I did the research and I am not willing to take that risk" rather than "My doctor told me it was too risky, so I didn't do it."
post #6 of 9


You might want to take a look at this thread in Personal Growth, too.
post #7 of 9
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by turtlewomyn View Post
You may also want to do some more research on a J incision and the risk of the rupture for that type of incision for yourself as well, if you haven't already. I thought that there have been some mothers who have VBAC'd with that type of incision. And even if you still don't feel comfortable with the risk, I think it would be more empowering to say "I did the research and I am not willing to take that risk" rather than "My doctor told me it was too risky, so I didn't do it."
I have done a bit of research, and I'm just not sure that it's a risk I'm willing to take. I've found anywhere from 4-10% of rupture. It doesn't sound so be in theory, but I don't know if I could handle it if the worst happened. Also, I need to think about my family needing ME to recover well, too. Secretly, though, I sometimes hope that my future pregnancies will take me nearly full-term and that I'll go into labor and not make it to the hospital. Clearly, I have some more research to do. Two different OBs, of course, said that I'll need a repeat c-section, but I might be able to find a doctor who would let me try for a VBAC. Kinda gives me a little hope that there's someone locally that has done it before. I just go back and forth on the issue so much!

I think that if I could emotionally heal from my first c-section, I could think about the future with more clarity. I read a post on here somewhere about a failed VBAC, but the woman said she felt healed by her second birth regardless of the fact that it ended up being a repeat c-section. That gives me hope, too!

Just writing about my experience here and have fellow mamas validate my feelings is helpful!
post #8 of 9
I second turtlewomyn's recommendation to check out ICAN. My first section was 14 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. I've heard all the insensitive comments and they hurt, too. MDC and ICAN are the only places I've ever been able to talk about it with any degree of understanding.

You're not "lucky" and your baby isn't all that counts. The last thing a woman in your position needs is a bunch of people telling you that your feelings are wrong or don't count.
post #9 of 9
Definitely see if there is an ICAN in your area and try to get to a meeting. Those women are so supportive and they really truly understand how you feel. I went to a few after my first emergency cesarean for breech (at 10cm dialated) and then after my vbac attempt that turned into a cbac after 24 hours.

I know exactly how you feel -- I, too, felt like I had given my son life but not birthed him. With my vbac attempt I felt a little more like I had birthed DD, but not fully. I will say that the experience of laboring for a long time was helpful...

I write a lot about it, and I talk to people and I try to let them know how I feel, even if they don't understand. I've made friends who feel similarly, and that really helps you to not feel alone in it.

Oh, and in the future even if you can just find an OB who is willing to let you labor (or labor by yourself for a while at home), that can be healing, too.

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