Pregnant on the Pill?????

[Fish Face]

This is my first time here. Sorry if this is long and disoriented and all jumbled up. I don't know how to get it all straight and in words because my head is swimming in thoughts and I am overwhelmed. Okay, I am on the pill and have been using that as my birth control method for 3 years. I have awful periods, and last year my gyno told me it would be perfectly healthy and fine to go for 4 months straight taking the pill to limit the number of periods I get. I take them at the same time every day, it is habit. Foolproof? Apparently not as I am pregnant. I am not ready to be pregant. I'm only 22. Has this happened to anyone else???? I mean, it must have since there is a "99.9% chance" or something like that to get pregnant on the pill.

I have not been to the doctor yet. I have gone out and bought every pregnancy test out there. I got the pink line several times and I got the "pregnant" sign on the digital. Pretty unmistakeable. I am so torn right now. I have been dating this guy for a year and a half and I have strong feelings for him. This is such awful timing!!!! He just told me a few weeks ago that he thinks we should see other people as we both are young (he's 25) and he's not ready to be so serious because we might be "mising out" on something. I know I am young, but I felt he was "the one" for me, and he didn't feel the same (or why would he do that?) I spent a week in shock, sure I could change his mind. I didn't and in fact I think I completely pushed him away. I stopped calling him and I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks (when I last called him on the phone, crying). I have spent the last 2 weeks crying my eyes out. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have been skipping classes (I'm normally an A or B+ student). And I just have not cared about anything. I've never felt this way before. I have lost weight and look horrible. I don't know what even led me to go get the first test. Just a fear that popped into my brain, really. I don't know how far along I am. Plus, I was taking the pill every single day. I don't know how damaging that can be for a baby. Obviously, I have stopped taking the pill since I found out. But I don't know what to do.

I am set to graduate college in December. Based on the way I have been feeling, I don't know if I'll get through all of my classes. I haven't told my ex yet. I KNOW he will want me to terminate the pregnancy. It makes me so sad because I never saw any of this coming. The break up (my 1st heartbreak and man, it feels like my heart is truly breaking), the pregnancy, and these huge life decisions looming at me. I am also worried that I have harmed the fetus by continuing to take the pill unknowingly and by basically treating my body like crap by not eating, not sleeping and being an emotional wreck. Also, a few weeks ago I went out with my girlfriends and had probably 5 or 6 beers! I had no idea! I ended up sobbing that night and decided I could not handle alcohol in my emotional state. I have only told one of my friends and she has been supportive however she became pregnant at 17 and got an abortion and she thinks it was for the best so I have mixed feelings about talking to her as I have no clue what to do. I am terrified to tell my parents as they are very religious. I feel alone.

I know my first step is to go to see a doctor. I don't think I can think any further than that. I was just hoping to find someone out there who has been there done that and made it against the odds. I don't know what I am looking for or what I want yet. I just had such a different picture in mind for my life.

Thanks for listening.

- A

[brogansmomma]

Not all birth control methods work for all people, unfortunately. I conceived on the pill too but it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I had been on Alesse, a lower-dosage pill (mini-pill) and after that pregnancy finally managed to convince my doctor to give me Ortho-Tricyclen, which has 3 levels of hormones instead. I'm still incredibly paranoid that this one won't work either though given the odds/way my 2.5 year old son was conceived I'm not sure I'd trust ANY bc method completely.

My pregnancy was not at all planned and could not have come at a worse time. In hindsight though I think it came just at the perfect time. I was a little older than you (25'ish) but very much enjoying my solo, no-responsibilities life. I dreaded telling my parents too as I had just moved out the previous summer and my family (as well as my prior self) are also very religious (born-again Christian). Your parents will be disappointed but they just might surprise you in their support and love. I never considered abortion because I knew I would never be able to live with that decision but it was a nice thought sometimes in the middle of all my crying and emotional pain. My son's dad (we were just good friends, not in a relationship) "left" the moment I told him I was pregnant and is just now, as of this past summer, starting to become a figure in his son's life. Everything works out the way it should if we're willing to let things go at their own pace and in their own way.

Good luck, hun. I can empathize with you. You feel like you're being crushed and there is no way out. You just want to roll back the clock a few days or weeks and get a do-over. It took me a number of months AFTER my son's birth to fully emotionally bond with him and accept that he was mine; my pregnancy was a contradiction between days of being nervous but excited and other days of just wanting to sleep and wake up not pregnant. Even when I had the whole belly going on, I sometimes tried to convince myself that I wasn't really pregnant.

Good luck with whatever decisions you need to make. Don't make any rash ones. Think things through and remember (or at least believe) that tomorrow will be better and today will be history.

eta: I hope that doesn't sound preachy. That is SO not my intent. I was just trying to say that our stories seem relatively similar and I was trying to give you hope and a bit of support.

[nataliachick7]

i dont really know what to say to make this better....

when was your last period? did you have one in may or june?

just remember, this is YOUR body and you can keep your baby no matter what your ex wants. i know several people that got pregnant on bc and the pill, and their babies turned out fine. i wouldnt worry too much about the pill being damaging. i know this is a really stressful time, just try to relax. you need support right now, maybe from friends or parents? i think you need to find out how far along you are...because if you do decide to terminate it is usually much better to do it earlier rather than later.
you can still finish school and have this baby. people do it all the time.
no matter what you choose, it will be ok. stay strong!

[Fish Face]

Thank you both so much. Brogansmomma, your situation sounds so like mine. You obviously have great strength. Honestly, I feel so weak right now. I think it's a combination of everything - heartache and loss, confusion, and now this HUGE life changing fact to address - I have a baby in my body! I am so scared I've harmed it with my conduct (does that mean I want this baby? I don't know. I am sorry if that sounds wrong to not know if you want your own baby). If my ex and I were still together, and happy (he wasn't, I was), it would be a no-brainer, even though I'd face many hardships, with my family and my life changing. But I'd have support and love from the person sharing the life we conceived with me. Also, Brogansmomma, you did not sound preachy at all! I am longing for advice from those who have been in my shoes. Nataliachick, my last period was in May, but since I take the pill straight with no stop for 4 mos., I had no reason to think anything was amiss, just a weird feeling and with the break up wanting to confirm I was okay. So, I have an appointment set up with my gyno for next week. Please wish me luck. Has anyone done research on the effect that taking the pill has on a fetus? Because I don't know how far along I am, I am terrified that I have already harmed him/her. Also, my alcohol consumption a few weeks ago. How harming could that have been? I can't wait to get to the doctor and at least get the preliminaries under control...I feel like my life is so out of control right now. I have decided not to tell ex until I see the doctor and until my head clears. He doesn't want to hear from me anyway. I'm trying to meditate and keep my spirits better (I can't say up because they have been so down). Thanks again for listening and offering advice.

- A

[brogansmomma]

I've never researched but everything I've heard says that the odds are incredibly low that you've harmed your baby. On the baby board I was on during my pregnancy there was a mama who joined us in her sixth month as she had JUST found out she was pg (: I "knew" a week before I could test so I couldn't figure out how someone could not know or notice any changes for SIX months!) so obviously she hadn't known to stop the pill. Her baby was just fine. The mini-pill is only slightly higher than your body's own hormone level. And I wouldn't think those drinks you mentioned would hurt your baby either - I wouldn't recommend any more drinks now that you know but a one-time thing as you described is not detrimental.

No apologies for your confusion. It's perfectly valid!! I did NOT want to be pregnant but knew I couldn't get rid of it and so I alternated between briefly accepting it and planning - "Okay, I'll have to move because there's no place here for a baby, etc"; being excited - "the baby will be just a month old at Christmas - how cute!!"; and being terrified - "I don't want this, I'm not ready for this, please just let it go away." I just wanted to wake up and not be pregnant, as I said earlier. I sometimes had thoughts of falling down the stairs, even slightly wishing for it but never having any thoughts of throwing myself down the stairs - just thinking, "maybe I'll trip and fall and lose the baby." It's funny to me now but I had a bit of spotting in my 11th week and was freaking out at the fact that I might be losing this baby that I didn't even want. I harassed the doctor into giving me an ultrasound and when I saw that little bean flopping all over inside me it was the most intense feeling in the world. That didn't take away my apprehension though; I still had periods of wanting everything to go back to "normal" but it did help just a little bit to make it more difficult for me to bury my head in the sand and tell myself, "You know what? It's all going to be just fine. You're going to wake up and this will be not reality. You're not pregnant. There is no baby. You're fine."

It is SUCH a rollercoaster, this unplanned pregnancy thing, especially in a situation like yours and mine where it really isn't at all what we envisioned for ourselves or what we would have chosen, when the support is slim and you have all this time to yourself to obsess and worry and freak out and cry. It's hard, it really is. I fully agree with you that if your ex was there it would probably be so much easier. As it is now, this is all your decision and it's a very heavy weight on your shoulders. You sound very wise and mature, just scared and unsure of what is right for you. Only you can know what that is.

Having a baby in this situation isn't a death sentence. As a mama in another thread mentioned (she's pg with twins and also doesn't know what to do) someone told her that having her babies would ruin her life. That's an incredibly harsh statement and not at all true. You have to take one day at a time. You mentioned your parents are religious; maybe you have your own background there too? Even just a little? I'm not practicing at all and don't have a relationship with God right now but I do know that despite all that, I am still His and He is still watching over me. He has blessed me very much - I have a beautiful and spirited 2.5-year-old son, I have a great job with excellent benefits and pay, I have a car with no payments, and I just bought a small house last week for my son and I (something that was important to me to do as soon as I could). Children do not take away from your life, they only add to it.

I'm crying for you as I type this. I can so feel your pain and confusion and struggle. I was you. I am still you. There will always be struggles but they are not unbearable. You do what you have to do for yourself and for your beautiful child and life has a way of working out. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Thank you so much for posting your story here. :

eta: I don't think it's possible for me to submit a post and not come back and edit. I just wanted to say that I did not and do not feel like I have great strength. I have heard people say that and tell me that and I know that's what they see but the way I see it, I'm just doing what I have to do as there's no other option for me. I put one foot in front of the other and cry when I need to. You will find that you have much more strength than you thought though you feel as though you have none at all.

[Bad Mama Jama]

Originally Posted by Fish Face

If my ex and I were still together, and happy (he wasn't, I was), it would be a no-brainer, even though I'd face many hardships, with my family and my life changing. But I'd have support and love from the person sharing the life we conceived with me.

Has anyone done research on the effect that taking the pill has on a fetus? Because I don't know how far along I am, I am terrified that I have already harmed him/her.

Also, my alcohol consumption a few weeks ago. How harming could that have been?

My dd is proof that you can get pregnant on the pill. I was taking a low dose one and viola! Here she is.

I understand the concern about doing it alone. Believe me, the idea of being by myself while pregnant and ending up alone stayed on my mind. Hence, the reason I stayed far too long in a toxic relationship. Don't look at this as it would have been better if... Because the reality is that things don't always stay the same, so even if he had been on board and helping you, there is no guarantee that he would have made it through the long haul.

I am not sure about the effects of the pill, my dd is fine. I did not so much concern myself with it as the fact that I had been at the bar partying like Rick James the night before a positive pregnancy test. I worried about the effects of the alcohol as well. But she was fine. I had no idea that I was pregnant until that next day when everything just seemed out of whack.


I understand your fears about timing. Things were looking great for me, I had just landed my first adult job and was doing pretty well. I was headed towards being more financially sound. Then BAM! I was pregnant. It happens and we do manage to press on despite BS.

It is a scary time, but you can get through this. It is your body and he cannot decide anything for you.

[guestmama9916]

From your parent's perspective, this is their grandchild. If they aren't over-joyed, at least after the initial shock, then that's their loss. IMO a child is a blessing and can bring so much joy like you've never imagined. Gosh its hard work at times but nothing worth fighting for ever came easy. There comes a time when we have to stop caring so much about what our parents are going to think or say. You aren't 16 anymore girl! Take some time to collect your thoughts and tell your parents with confidence the choice you've made. If they see you've made your decision with confidence, they will respect you. I had to learn to be this way with my folks too. If I wanted them to treat me like an adult, I had to think of myself as one and act accordingly (tough to do when you are daddy's little girl!). Personally I would much rather be a single mom than a mom in an unfulfilling relationship. I've been a single mom for about 2 months and find that I'm much more at peace than I have ever been. Try to finish up college if you can if you keep the baby. You are so close to being done and it would be nice to have that out of the way so you can start looking for jobs as soon as you need/want to. BTW, I drank alcohol, took prescription pain killers and had an xray all before I knew I was pregnant! That sounds kind of funny -- the alcohol had nothing to do with falling and needing an xray and pain killers. My baby was perfectly normal and is a very smart little fella. He wasn't planned at all but I couldn't imagine my life without him now. Take care and good luck!!

[Fish Face]

Mmmm. So in the interim I have tried leaning on my friends while waiting for my doctor's visit next week.

I have been told the following: (1) get an abortion or you will ruin your life; (2) go away for a while to a woman's home to give birth, and give the baby up for adoption (okay, I thought this was what people did 50 years ago? I mean, you can live at home and give a baby up for adoption, you don't have to go into hiding; (3) have the baby, move home, and file for child support to stock up to live on my own. My ex is in sales. He makes approximately $45k per year. Support from him would give for baby, but not for baby and me to live, or am I wrong? Day care is $1000/wk from what one friend told me. And if you get support from the father, you can't get it from the state.

How do you women do it? Clearly there are many of you not just surviving but thriving?!?
ETA: My statement about surviving on child support may not be taken right. I just meant, is it enough for the child? I certainly plan to work. I just wonder if its enough.

[~PurityLake~]

I just read the beginning of your post and want to say, yes, it can happen. You are not alone, you didn't do anything wrong.

I was breastfeeding my daughter Abigail (who was only 5 months old at the time) and had been on the pill since Abigial was 3 months old when I became pregnant with Sophia.

I just always say that Sophia was determined to exist, nothing was going to stand in her way.

[Fish Face]

Originally Posted by Abi's Mom

I just always say that Sophia was determined to exist, nothing was going to stand in her way.

That is beautifully said.

- A

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Fish Face

My ex is in sales. He makes approximately $45k per year. Support from him would give for baby, but not for baby and me to live, or am I wrong? Day care is $1000/wk from what one friend told me. And if you get support from the father, you can't get it from the state.

Well, that is a little more than what my husband makes. In our state, child support is 20% of the income, which means his son from his first marriage gets $7000 a year. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.
Also, my stepson's mom has been on state aid for as long as I remember and has been unemployed the majority of her adult life, so obviously receiving child support is not a factor in getting state aid. Also, in my state, parents can qualify for free medical insurance (DenaliKidCare) for pregnant women and children. You may want to contact your local WIC office. If they are anything like the one I go to, they are supportive of moms, nonjudgemental, provide nursing help, and have many numbers for you to contact. My WIC had a number for a $1 a month cell phone service, for example, and a place to get brand new $35 car seats. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

[brogansmomma]

$1000 a week for daycare???? That seems INCREDIBLY steep to me. But I don't know where you live or what the demand is. You can certainly find cheaper than that.

My son is in a home-run private daycare (ie: not governed by an agency) and I pay (Canadian dollars) $23 a day or $14 for a half-day. Lunch is included and she does very educational activities with then as well as has a structured-but-child-led routine. Brogan and I both love it. I didn't shop around - my sister had used her for my niece before she became a SAHM and my niece went to school - but I cannot imagine anyplace in my city costing even $500 a week.

Again, you will make it work if you choose to have your baby. There has never been a sweeter struggle than raising a baby on your own (or, I suppose, with a partner either )

Also consider ideas from the Frugality and Finances forum here on MDC. Cloth diapering is also a good option and miraclediapers.com supplies cloth diapers to qualifying families.

[lisa1201]

I had a similar experience as a young woman with an unplanned (as in on BC) pregnancy. Rest assured that it does happen and I've never heard of a baby harmed by it. I agree that you need to think about what's best for you. Clearly BF won't be in the picture so do what heals you, whether its talking to your pastor, your friends, your therapist or your counselor, you may still be confused, but at the end of the day it is you and only you who will be affected by this. I don't mean to be hurtful, but it sounds like your BF won't care. So please, seek the help you need and do what is best for YOU. Peace to you.

[kissum]

I don't have a ton of time right now, but I will try and come back to this for you.
My dd was a birth control and condom baby. So yes, it does happen. And she is fine, and very bright

I know what you are going through- I considered every option when I was pregnant with my daughter. I was still with the father at the time, but we had a long distance relationship and i knew he wasn't going to be very involved. So, I went into it knowing I would be a single mom.
I moved back in with my parents, and went to school in the evenings for a semester.
I work full time now and our daycare takes children on a sliding scale- the full rate is $47/day but they have lower costs for familes who make under $50,000/year. I pay $32/day Also, I live somewhere very expensive (resort town) and I think $50/day is about what you can expect in a nice child care center. When I lived in Kansas though rates were cheaper.

I need to put my daughter to bed- I'll try to come back.

[MissLotus]

(2) go away for a while to a woman's home to give birth, and give the baby up for adoption (okay, I thought this was what people did 50 years ago? I mean, you can live at home and give a baby up for adoption, you don't have to go into hiding;

I had to laugh at that "option"...I agree - that's like something out of an old movie!

All the turmoil caused by your break-up at this unopportune time has to be causing more angst...but in the end, it doesn't matter what your ex has to say about it. He sounds immature anyway...and I agree, you both are young, but certainly not teenagers or anything. Old enough to be on your own, competently. I know you're finishing up school, but it sounds like you'd be done before you had your child, so in a way, the timing is actually good. It may take some time but your parents will come around, most likely when they set eyes on their grandchild, if not before!

Child support in some states is 20% of his income...17% in other states. Once you get it, you spend it as you wish! You don't have to report how it's spent or anything. Since you'd be taking care of your child, then anything that's yours is also his/hers. Plus, ex may have to pay half of childcare costs and at least some of health insurance costs for the child.

While I find the poster Viewfinder very articulate, I don't agree with her post. True, none of us enjoy being "attached" to our difficult exes...yet how many of us would trade this experience with our child? Darn few. Despite my evil ex and tough financial times, I have had un-ending joy with my child. And it's not like when someone terminates a pregnancy, they just dust of their hands and go skipping into the sunset. There are emotional repercussions. I'm just saying...whatever you do, DON'T base your decision on how your ex might/might not react. Don't let that define a decision as grand as motherhood. Because truthfully, there are women who've been married, had the house and the whole nine yards, who thought they had it made...and then things crashed with their husbands. Men aren't always a sure thing no matter what stage of life you're at. But your kid....that's different. People relationships with their child is a whole separate thing. So don't let HIM cloud that issue for you. Yes, things would change for you...yes, they'd be difficult for a while. But it's not like facing a sentence of drudgery...after a while you'd work things out...you'd be out of school, you'd figure things out financially, you'd deal with your parents...and your friends, well...that often changes anyway, post-college. People drift, they move, they start jobs, and in a couple of years THEY'll be in relationships and starting to have kids. And you've got to factor in the whole GOOD side of having a child...and there are many positives, obviously. Not sure if you'd ever wanted to be a Mom, anyway. But as I ramble, the bottom line is...at some point you will be truly and well over your ex, whether you have a child or not. You won't always feel hurt and disappointed about him, it won't always be raw like this (trust me - I've been there!!). I don't give a rat's *ss what my ex thinks or does, but right behind me sleeping is my son, and all I can say is, thank God I didn't factor my ex into any decisions.

Best wishes to you!

[Fish Face]

Quickie update: I told my sister. She is 29 and has 2 children. Was married at 24. She is very religious (Baptist). She did not approve of a lot of things, including me being on the pill and drinking socially in college. I am kind of the "rebel" though not in my crowd, just in my family. To my shock and surprise, my sister weeped with me - not as in sorrowful weeping - more like, soulful...sisterly...deeply. She is so solid and gave me nothing but 100% support. I pray my parents will act similarly (okay, being realistic, my dad won't cry and might be mad). I stand by my earlier decision of not telling my parents or ex before I see the doctor. But it so helped to hear my sister supporting me. Honestly, I don't think I would have called her if I had not come here. So, thank you. I'll keep you updated.

[jillibug]

You can do it!! My ex and I split when DD was 2. It was hard financially but, there is assistance available. We used to live in Boston and I was a nanny so DD went with me to work. That really helped. I didn't ever apply for assistance there and should have. Some colleges offer child care to students and staff. Take the helps that offered. I am so happy that your sister is supportive. You are stronger than you think. Do what feels right to you.
Adria

[Jster]

Just wanted to share some thoughts...

After you see a doctor and find out how far along you are...I'd definitely work to graduate in December!! You're so close, and it will be so much better for you (no matter what you do) to have your degree finished and behind you. You'll be more employable, have more stability, and be that much closer to self reliance.

My ex left when I was pregnant with dd2, and I had to move home with my mom. It was very difficult, and I wish I'd gotton out sooner (we have a lot of issues...control, co-dependence, criticism, etc.), but it was worth it to get on to a better place. I did think about what my other options would be with dd2, but she was very much wanted when conceived...so I just accepted that she was coming into our lives and ready for us, we had to get ready for her.

This baby was "unplanned" and I really hadn't known DP that long at the time, but it's all worked out beautifully. And actually, I knew that even if DP didn't want to be involved (although I was 99% sure he would), I could still handle it.

Motherhood is, wow...the most amazing thing. You're entrusted with such a gift, and the best relationship you'll ever have in your life...with your child. I just wanted to say that to counter the doom and gloom you got from your college friends, who probably would be thinking very differently a few years down the road, but right now are stuck in party-single mode. The party always ends sometime, sometimes we get to plan it, sometimes it kind of shocks us. Life is about the unexpected...heck, you could have gotton in a car accident and been paralyzed, any number of strange and random things could have happened to through you off course. Unplanned? Yes! But it doesn't mean it won't be wonderful. Just wanted to add those thoughts...and wish you the best.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by Jster

After you see a doctor and find out how far along you are...I'd definitely work to graduate in December!! You're so close, and it will be so much better for you (no matter what you do) to have your degree finished and behind you. You'll be more employable, have more stability, and be that much closer to self reliance.

YES! Speaking from experience, you CAN do it and will be so relieved and proud of yourself, it'll all be worth it. Ds was born in November, literally right before my final exams. I dragged my two-week-old baby to exams (my professors, all except one, were kind enough to make arrangements for me to be in another room) and nursed him on one side while writing on the other.

If you have this baby, the chances of going back anytime soon after the baby is born are probably much less. It's worth a conference with each of your professors, explaining your circumstances and expressing how important it is to you that you make this work.

I know this is scary but it really is all manageable. Sometimes the best, most empowering thing is just picking a direction and taking the first step. Decide what feels most right, go that way, and don't look back. How wonderful that you have the support of your sister. I hope you find the same from your parents.

Wishing you all the best.

[Fish Face]

Thanks for the advice. I have absolutely decided that I will graduate this December, know matter what. Although I am not feeling the best emotionally, I have been forcing myself to do things I didn't even care about doing before. I am eating healthy, drinking water. I mean, ever since the break up, all I did was lay in bed and cry. A friend even gave me some tylenol pm one night and I still laid awake all night crying...it didn't even work. Every thing I saw on TV reminded me of my pain. Forget listening to the radio! I can't handle ANY thing without water works. Now that I know I have another life in me, I can't keep doing these things. So, like I said, I am eating again (I lost quite a bit of weight quickly). I am reading books and doing research on the internet, and praying, and meditating. I pray I willl have the confidence to make the right choice and to have the courage to confront my parents. Also - I did my homework for next week's classes (seriously, this was a huge hurtle for me - I am so worn out).

The most recent problems have been with my close friends who initially acted supportive, but now that they think I may want to keep this baby, are really intensifying the "this will ruin your life" speeches. I have been given the name of a doctor who performed an abortion on someone I know who assured me that it was a "quick, relatively painless way to end the problem. And they give you meds afterward so you're pretty much too out of it to be sad." I bit my lip hard on that one. I think these individuals are trying to help but in all honesty, their statements have the opposite effect. I personally know that I could not just "take some meds and forget about it."

So far, I have just told them that I will be seeing a doctor this week and will make whatever decision I feel is best after considering all options. Any good comebacks that won't ignite people's feelings that any of you ladies came up with? And did you all hear some pretty negative reactions from the very people you keep close to you and would want only support from?

I just want to be armed and prepared.