remembering a life partner

[premature crone]

I lost my husband a month and a half ago in an avalanche. We have a 2 year old son.

I'm devastated by the fact that our son won't remember his father. I'm searching for opportunities to share lifelong memories of my husband with our son. Does anyone know of any references/tools that provide creative ways to do this? We light a candle at dinner to remember him, I talk with our son about him all the time, look at photos.....there must be more though.

with thanks,
a premature crone

[lisamarie]

Oh, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your life partner! I lost my dh when my ds was 3 yo. What I have done for my ds~is that I made up a special small photo album just for him. It has photos of just him and his dad, or just photos of his dad. I also put in the movie ticket stub of the last movie they went to together. I also have kept a journal and have written down EVERYTHING that I could possibly remember about Rob. From his favorite food, movie, band to his favorite color. Someday~after Dane can read, I will make a special book for him and write these things down for him. I also have written down stories about things him and his dad used to do together~to try to keep his memory alive. At the local zoo, we had a bench put in the children's petting zoo, in his name (they loved the zoo!) It is so hard~there was a really good Mothering article last year about Children and Grief. You can order back issues if you would like it. Also, is there a grief and loss group for families in your are??? We have attended one and it really helped my ds with his feelings and it also gave us ways to remember his dad.

I hope this helps and BTW~Welcome to the Mothering community. Thinking of you!

Hugs~

Lisa

[queencarr]

I am so sorry for your loss. My Daddy died when I was 2 1/2, and if it helps, I do still remember him. For me, it's more "familiarities" than actual memories. I will hear a man's voice, and something will remind me, or a song, things like that, I do have a few snapshot memories. What my family did that helped me immensely: lots of pictures, especially in my room, talking about him constantly--reminders, singing familiar songs, stories about him, everyday stuff like preferring Pepsi to Coke kind of stuff, several family friends wrote letters to me to be opened when I turned 13 about him and what kind of man he was--his beleifs, dreams, hopes, especially those for me. Depending on your religious beliefs, my family talked (and still does) about a reunion in heaven, imagining what he would be doing now (he was very musical, and there were lots of stories of singing with the angels, playing his banjo, things like that taht were told with great happiness), honest conversations about how/why he died and honesty about my family's, especially my Mom's, grief. Death was approached very matter of factly, that it is a part of life, not be feared, but revered, as a place of great joy and reunion.

This is not to say that 25 years later, we don't still cry about it. Moments like my wedding, the birth of my child, were especially hard for me. But comments like "Your Daddy would be so proud of you" and "he has your Daddy's curly hair" at such momentious occasions help fill that gap.

I hope this helps you out in some way.

Carrie

[lisamarie]

Carrie~

I just had to write to say "THANK YOU". You words about your father and your memories, brought tears to my eyes, but also comforted me.

I have worried so much about how my ds was going to grow up without his father. Your words put my mind to ease. I have asked my late husband's best friend, to write about Rob~all the funny and goofy things they did, his memories of Rob, etc. I want this for Dane~that's so he gets another perspective, besides mine. We don't have contact w/in-laws, so I feel this is so important.

Thank you again for sharing!

Warmly~

Lisa

[queencarr]

lisamarie, I'm glad I could help. I though of something else that my Mom did for me--she gave me "permission" to continue to talk to him, which I did for several years fairly frequently, and then not as much when I was older. She told me that whenever I wanted to talk to him, that he could hear me, and when I would really be upset, she would have me talk to him before a nap or bedtime, and would tell me I would dream of him, and I always would. It sounds kind of weird trying to put it in words, but it was very comforting for him to not be so far away, and I still remember several of the dreams I had.

Carrie

[premature crone]

Dear Lisamarie and Carrie,

Thank you both so much for your suggestions and your perspective. It helps to hear the recollections of someone who has been and dealt with a similar loss. I will write these ideas down and continue to work on them. I have been keeping a journal and trying to find the energy to write down memories and the details of those last few days together. At this point though, each day is a struggle. I can't imagine a lifetime spent waiting for the day when we can be together again, how fair is this to our son? However I find no pleasure in anything these days, which of course carries it's own suite of guilt and anxiety.

Thanks again for your empathy.

Lori (and I feel like a premature crone)

[lisamarie]

Lori~

Glad you found us here. I can relate to your feelings of not finding pleasure in things. I don't think I truly smiled or laughed for about 9+ months after he died. Looking back, I don't think my ds did either. I also hated the fact that I was a widow~it felt so old, even though I was only 32 yo. Time will heal, but it is so early right now in your grief. Surround yourself w/gentle caring people, come here and vent, write, cry and scream if you need to. We are here.

Hugs~

Lisa

[hahamommy]

Welcome Lori, from a fellow crone! (though I do prefer wacky widow ) My children were 4 and 2 when dh died, just 17 months ago. We talk about Mitch every day (he's responsible for all kinds of things in his son's mind: the rain, the moon, the trees, the wind). Every possibility is explored: what if you could meet the eyes that contain that soul, walking down the street someday? Is he here with us everyday, all day? Is he at Taco Bell in Heaven drinking beer (I swear it's what they said!) with Grampa Bud? Sometimes he's sitting in the front seat of our car, riding with us where ever we go. Last year we grew a Jalapeno pepper plant and named it Mitch... I encouraged the kids to talk to the plant, encourage it to grow and pretending it is daddy is okay, too. My dd is terribly lonely without her daddy. Mitch couldn't wait for Hayden to come along so he could have Hannah to himself and that he did, she was a full-on daddy's girl. I have just come to a point where I recognize this in her and need to find a way to fulfill that kind of "worship" he seemed to have for his baby girl. That is what I miss.

Sniff sniff, didn't mean to go there. Really! Welcome and if you ever need someone to tell you that being completely wacked right now is completely normal, it's me, I'm happy to pass along good vibes