Getting flack from family about HB!

[mamalove07]

We are planning an HBAC with a very wonderful and experienced trio of midwives. I am so looking forward to this! Today my mother says, "You can't have that baby at home! You're high risk!" First of all, I can and will have this baby at home. Second, VBAC to me is not high risk when the odds of uterine rupture are less than 1%. I know my mom means well, but she is never supportive of me in anything! When I told her I wanted to go VBAC one of the first things she said was "you won't be able to do it without an epidural! You never experienced the 'real' pain of labor the first time so you have no idea what you're in for." (because I made it to 4 cm before taking the epi). MIL is feeling simliar and just gets quiet whenever I try to talk about it. Friends look at me like I'm completely insane.
Have many others had this lack of support from family?

[sambelina]

My family isn't that supportive. I ended up telling them that if they weren't going to say anything positive, we wouldn't talk about it anymore. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. I hope they come around and are supportive.

[DoomaYula]

Don't even talk to them about it or listen to them about it. Just focus on those people around you who are positive and supportive and helpful.

[lawyermom]

My first birth was a home birth with an emergency hospital transfer and we lost that baby (nothing to do with the circumstances - would have happened anywhere). So my second birth was a hospital birth - everyone was just too nervous.

Now I want to do a home birth for my third and I'm afraid my family is going to jump all over me. They were pretty OK the first time - but this time I don't know....

I like the advice above. I think it's just important to find support where you can, and listen. I try to remember the anxiety is coming from (poorly-expressed at times) love.

[prancie]

It's very normal for people to be very concerned over a homebirth. Most people know of no one who has done it, even most of our grandmothers birthed in hospitals!

With my family it is OK, my mom is a little nervous, but she had six kids with no complications, so she figures I'll be fine. My DH's family was very upset about it, but they seem to be tolerating the idea now. It helps that they have a relative that has had 3 HBACs and is an OB.

Most people avoid the subject. So, take support where you get it, and don't worry about the rest. I know that women who give births these days are almost always induced or augmented, so they have a more painful memory of birth than those who have natural birth. That is probably why your friends look at you like you are crazy.

[Juvysen]

When I mentioned to my dad that I was interested in a homebirth he said "ohhhh... I wouldn't recommend it" which is my dad's way of saying "you're a complete nutjob and you're taking your life and your baby's into your own hands". Once we decided we COULD have a homebirth, I decided not to mention it to him until after the baby's born when they ask how long we'll be in the hospital. :

[sibelius]

i was in the same situation as you with my second child, and what helped me was knowing that this was the best way of avoiding another c-section, and therefore, the safest thing for me to do. and guess what? i was totally right. the baby was 2 weeks late, my labor was about three days long, i was in transition for 6 hours. no way any doc in a hospital would have allowed that to go on naturally. it was kind of brutal (especially the transition!), but when it was all over, i was so, so glad i had stayed home.
labor with my third child was a lot smoother and faster!
hang in there!

[Momma2DoubleCuties]

I'm going through this right now, my inlaws are the most supportive, they are also the most open minded, I told my mom and she was nervous but said where ever I want to birth she'll be there. She's just nervous. My sisters were all shocked and laughed when I told them, and whenever they talk about it they always say, "Oh at the hospital, this..." I always say hey, we aren't having the baby at the hospital, remember? Then they kinda roll their eyes and change the subject. I think it'll be great to expose them all, none of them have kids, but for them to see that there is other birthing alternatives other than just the hospital. One sister says she's having a c-section for sure, so I really want them to see its so easy to push a baby out of your vagina.

[~minnow~]

My mom is supportive, or at least is doing a great job of keeping her fears to herself. My in-laws are mostly being polite, couching their objections in the form of questions. ("But can't the midwife prescribe medicine?") I did, however, get a long letter from an in-law about how she heard through the grapevine I was planning a homebirth and she might have considered that at one point but then her brother lost his first child in a homebirth 30 years ago and please allow her to tell me the story.

Um, thanks?

The in-laws are all coming to town for a shower next weekend. First time I've seen them in person while pregnant so who knows what sorts of comments will come up. I'm a bit nervous about it, even though we're confident in our homebirth decision and are pleased to try to educate those who are interested. Still, would be great if I knew I wasn't going to have to spend the whole weekend diplomatically refusing misguided advice.

[k9sarchik]

My parents are supportive and my IL's are keeping their mouths shut for the most part. I can see it in my MIL's face that she is biting her tongue.
She made one comment....."we have a family friend whose mom died at a homebirth....which was 60 years ago".

And that applies to me how since this is 2007 and not 1947?

At this point my MIL is invited to the birth, but I told DH that if she expresses any negativity about it directly then she can't be there.

Things may get interesting the closer we get to the due date.

[~Kristina~]

To avoid comments like this, I've only told a couple people in my family about my homebirth. I haven't even mentioned it to my mom, but MIL will be here to help with the kids.

[thefreckledmama]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

Don't even talk to them about it or listen to them about it. Just focus on those people around you who are positive and supportive and helpful.

Yeah that.

There's no point in trying to discuss something with people are against it when their opinion has no bearing on what you will do. It would be nice if they came to be understanding and accepting about your decision, but you really don't need the aggravation or stress of their negativity.

I'm sorry your family can't be more understanding of your decision. Just focus on how nice it will be after you do have a wonderful homebirth with a beautiful baby, and how it will change all their preconceived notions of homebirth!

[lawyermom]

For those of you getting the "horror stories"...

After we lost our first baby, a lot of relatives obviously believed it was because it was a homebirth. It's probably one of the stories being used to scare other moms-to-be out of homebirthing. But it had nothing to do with it being a home birth - in fact, we were a hospital transfer and our son was born in hospital. If you want to engage with these people (I usually don't) you can remind them: they also (probably) know women who lost babies in hospitals. Does that mean they advise women not to give birth in hospital?

Babies do die. It happens at home and in hospital. If you have confidence in your caregivers, there is no reason to think it will be riskier at home.

[tessamami]

Just had to comment

Originally Posted by lawyermom

If you want to engage with these people (I usually don't) you can remind them: they also (probably) know women who lost babies in hospitals. Does that mean they advise women not to give birth in hospital?

Babies do die. It happens at home and in hospital. If you have confidence in your caregivers, there is no reason to think it will be riskier at home.

Well, we all KNOW that the Doctors WON'T be blamed. And alternative healing regarded with suspicion. . . .

[applejuice]

To the OP, mamalove07:

I want to tell you that my mom and MIL were fairly supportive of my homebirths.

However what I want to tell you is that you are an adult, a wife and mother now and you do not need anyone's support for what you want to do. You need to see yourself as a strong adult, wife, mother, and A WOMAN, a REAL WOMAN, and ignore the naysayers. You no longer need your parent's permission for anything you want to do. Just do it because you can and bcause you want to.

You can deal with those contractions when they come. Take care of yourself now and you can birth that baby the way nature intended when the time comes. Good luck.