unsupportive dp?

[hellyaellen]

anyone still doing clw with a dp who is against the notion?

i had a talk w/ dh today and we talked about "don't offer, don't refuse" once kellen is 2 which i know is a weaning technique and i know its a bit controversial in this forum but it also allows me to keep nursing while also weaning.

is there anything better than this?

I'm going to remind him how kellen has never been sick and that its the breastmilk we have to thank for that. but i don't know that that will do the trick.

[Clarinet]

I'm just following you around this afternoon

What are his reasons? I ask because it helps to know what he's thinking.

[alegna]

What's better than this is to stand your ground. Don't let him bully you. If you don't want to wean, then don't wean.

Also wondering his issues...

If it would be any help PM me and I'll give you my dh's email... he's a big nursing supporter and dd will be 3 in August.

-Angela

[attachedmamaof3]

IMO, we mothers need to follow our instincts against all else. I understand marriage is a partnership and extended nursing does involve both parents, etc. HOWEVER, it's hard enough being a mom, trying to do all the "right" things and then have your support system telling you something you KNOW goes against what you want and what your instincts tell you.

Look, my philosophy on parenting decisions is this:

At all times, in every situation I will do what I think is best for my child. If 20 yrs down the road, I find out I was wrong, I can LIVE with that because I truly made the decision in the best interests of my children.

I refuse to make decisions based on outside influences because if 20 yrs down the road it turns out to be a wrong decision....THAT would eat me up with guilt. THat I KNEW, that I went against my instincts and listened to someone else and it was the wrong thing to do for me/my kids.

In our home, parenting decisions are discussed, etc. but there are some things that (to me) are non-negotiable. Homebirth, child led weaning (unless I decide otherwise), co-sleeping, leaving our sons intact, non-vax and gentle discipline. Luckily (for him) DH supports me on this...

TO ME, the issue is not breastfeeding vs. weaning. To me, the issue is your husband's choice not to support you in something you feel strongly about.

[birdie22]

The underlying assumption of "dont offer, don't refuse" is that if your 2 (or 3 or 4) yo asks, then you will happily comply.

For me, I have been telling people (the nosy ones, that is) we're weaning for about 18 months now, but it's only half true, because I don't see an end to nursing anytime soon.

In your post, it sounds like you are mainly feeling sad because your dh is pushing you. As a nursing mama, it must be very frustrating to have him second-guessing your judgment. We all know what it takes to nurse a toddler, and you deserve his not his

[hellyaellen]

partly he "wants my body back" both in the sense that he would like it if i didn't have "mommy body" and in a sexual sense. i don't feel like breastfeedinghas anything to do with the first and he has no room for complaints about the second

partly he just doesn't think it's "necessary" anymore

partly he wants a break between this one and the next (who isn't evn conceived yet)

i've been just ignoring his weaning talk for a good month now. and i'm prepared to keep doing just that. but it would be nice if he could just get on board with this.

oh and he says that this is about me not the young'un. i did remind him about how kellen jasn't been sick, and how breastmilk still offers a lot of nutritional benefit. and obviously he can't counter that.

it is partly about me. due to a lack of support and information i only went to 6 weeks with my oldest. so yes i do have a strong desire to continue nursing for as long as he wants to nurse.

i think he has this imageof kellen as a kindergartener skipping a baseball game to nurse or something.....

ughh. i'm going to cross post this on my other thread in brestfeeding beyond infancy.

[Clarinet]

Originally Posted by hellyaellen

partly he "wants my body back" both in the sense that he would like it if i didn't have "mommy body" and in a sexual sense. i don't feel like breastfeedinghas anything to do with the first and he has no room for complaints about the second

partly he just doesn't think it's "necessary" anymore

partly he wants a break between this one and the next (who isn't evn conceived yet)

What does he mean "he wants a break between this one and the next?" Are his nipples sore? (that was a joke, but seriously, I don't get what his break means) Sorry but those reasons are purely selfish and I'd be inclined to tell him to forget about it. If he was worried about your lack of sleep or weight loss or something else related to breastfeeding, I'd understand the pressure to wean. Wanting your body back for himself is disgusting in a "you don't own me, freak" kind of way.

[eclipse]

I would honestly tell my partner that inserting himself in my nursing relationship with my child was disrespectful and harming my relationship with him (my partner). I would also tell my husband that he has no claims to my body. None. My body is mine, and I already have it, and I choose what to do with it - so no "getting my body back" for him (because it's not his body to get back) or for me (because my body hasn't gone anywhere, thank you very much). If he continued to badger me, I would tell him to shove it.

Aside from all that, how does Kellen go to sleep? Does he nurse? Is your partner willing to take over all the times that you would otherwise be ofering to nurse? And take over in a way that is acceptable to you? I don't think my husband would ever ask me to wean because he doesn't want to be the one dealing with the toddler who wakes up every two hours with no handy way to put him back to sleep.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by Clarinet

Wanting your body back for himself is disgusting in a "you don't own me, freak" kind of way.

My husband once said something like "I can't wait until they're mine again?" wrt to my breasts and my response was laughter and a reminder that they would never be his. Seriously, his penis belongs to him. I sure do like to borrow it sometimes - but it's not mine any more than the libary books I checked out last week.

[hellyaellen]

Clarinet his idea of needing a break between the two just has me

and eclipse i like the way you put that i like to "share" but i'm not super concerned with the things he does with his body while we're not sharing.

Kellen doesn't nurse to sleep per se but i do make sure hes "tanked up" for the night. he sleeps from say 11 or 12 until 6 or so before he needs to nurse again so we are lucky in that regard. (he did go through a stage where it seemed like he just "knew" we were going to dtd)

i still cannot understand why my nursing bothers him so much. it is a parenting decision, and thats why its a decision we are making together and he is still not comfortable with clw

one valid thing he is concerned about is kellen's lack of interest in solid foods. he has some of what we eat at every meal, but he still gets most of his nutrition at the breast. this is fine with me, honestly our meals are about half junk : we joke that all we eat is bread meat and cheese.... obviously we do have fruits and veggies too, but i don't feel like we really have a well balenced diet. as long as he is breastfeeding i have less reason to worry about his diet.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by hellyaellen

one valid thing he is concerned about is kellen's lack of interest in solid foods.

Why is this a "valid" concern? It's perfectly normal. Many babies still get the largest portion of their nutrition from breastmilk through the second year.

-Angela

[callmemama]

One question I would ask (if you're planning to introduce cow's milk in your baby's diet) is whether your husband thinks human milk or the milk of another species is better suited to your child's needs!

[hellyaellen]

one valid thing he is concerned about is kellen's lack of interest in solid foods.

Originally Posted by alegna

Why is this a "valid" concern? It's perfectly normal. Many babies still get the largest portion of their nutrition from breastmilk through the second year.

-Angela

by valid i mean its somethingthat actually has to do with kellen's health as opposed to some weird hang-up he has about extended nursing

i guess i need to read up on whats normal eating for nursing toddlers

i also consider his concerns about kellen's emotion well-being to be valid. i think he's a bit mis-informed in this area but its something i don't mind correcting him on.

his concerns with my body i'm pretty well able to dismiss. while reassuring him that i still lurve him and want him,yk

i told him the thing one of you said about the well-adjusted nursing kindergarteners (may have been in the other thread) and i think that relieved him a bit. kurt was a bit of a "mama's boy" as a child and i think he has some fears of the same thing happening to kellen. i'm trying to help him understand that healthy attatchment actually helps a child to detatch in a healthy and confident way later.

you mamas are so helpful in me working this out with him. :

[hellyaellen]

Originally Posted by callmemama

One question I would ask (if you're planning to introduce cow's milk in your baby's diet) is whether your husband thinks human milk or the milk of another species is better suited to your child's needs!

he does drink cows milk sometimes. mainly when i do. mostly though his other liquid is water or juice.

[ryan'smom]

While dh isn't as supportive as I would like him to be, he understands that I am doing what's best for ds and leaves it at that.


I have used the "human milk for human babies" and "he's not a calf" or "nothing but the best for our son" a couple of times and that pretty much shut him up.

I am the one who takes the time to research , ie: vaxes, breastfeeding, nutrition, carseats, etc. Until he is able to present to me better information or valid reasons why CLW (or any other subject) is not the way to go..............we'll continue doing things "my" way.

I would casually ask him to present to you valid research or information why CLW would not be appropriate for your child and take it from there...

FWIW, if I had to guess, ds is getting 80-90% of his nutrition from breastmilk and is growing just fine...

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by birdie22

The underlying assumption of "dont offer, don't refuse" is that if your 2 (or 3 or 4) yo asks, then you will happily comply.

For me, I have been telling people (the nosy ones, that is) we're weaning for about 18 months now, but it's only half true, because I don't see an end to nursing anytime soon.

In your post, it sounds like you are mainly feeling sad because your dh is pushing you. As a nursing mama, it must be very frustrating to have him second-guessing your judgment. We all know what it takes to nurse a toddler, and you deserve his not his

ITA!

My dh is also on the less supportive side, (See my thread asking for testimonials to help inform him...) and I have made a serious effort to provide him with knowledge. It's the best defense, really... there is a ton of data to support the CLW path as Good and Natural, Supportive of your Child's Needs and Nurturng, and none to say otherwise.

He might need help overcoming years of social conditioning... I did, and so did Dh... he still does! But he's getting there, there is hope!

[LinzluvsGJ]

I deal with a similar idea from my DH regarding me nursing my 2 year old. He thinks it's not necessary and weird that I'm still nursing her because "no one else does that". I tell him contrary and that I won't wean just because he wants me to but it drives me nuts that he is no longer supportive of me nursing her, only of my nursing Philip. He's a bit weirded out by me tandem nursing as well. I think it's just something we have to face as a generation that largely was brought up not around breastfeeding in the home and not typically around extended nursing especially so it's not seen as a cultural norm.

[ee_lime]

Originally Posted by ryan'smom

I am the one who takes the time to research , ie: vaxes, breastfeeding, nutrition, carseats, etc. Until he is able to present to me better information or valid reasons why CLW (or any other subject) is not the way to go..............we'll continue doing things "my" way.

I would casually ask him to present to you valid research or information why CLW would not be appropriate for your child and take it from there...

ooohhhh...great idea! DS only turned 1 yesterday, but DH told me that he thinks 2 is long enough to nurse. So if he gets ants in his pants about weaning I will ask for facts....lol