He hasn't even emailed about our son

[sheilajolene]

Ds father has tickets to come visit in August. DS will be 6 months and it will be their fourth meeting. We have no official arrangement. he gives me what the state would require for child support, and I let him visit every two months (that's all he can afford in plane tickets and hotel).

Apparently he's gotten mad at me for something and has decided to stop emailing me. He hasn't emailed to ask about ds in over a week now (it used to be daily). He expects to cut off communication with me and not even ask how the baby is, but I'm supposed to stop my whole life for a weekend and cater to his schedule? I don't know how he expects it to work... It's not like he can take ds without me there, so what does he think, he'll just ignore me the whole time after I've rearranged everything for him? He's going to not ask about ds for a month and a half and then come and play daddy? Um, no.

Would you email him to ask what's going on? Let him come? Assume he can't come if he can't communicate about DS? It's just silly. I'm the single mom who got dumped twice during pregnancy, was cheated on, is living in poverty... He has no right to be mad at me for anything, you know?

I swear, I'm not going back to men

[wytchywoman]

I hear ya about not going back to men, but with the way i pick 'em women probably wouldn't be much better.
I guess what I would do in your situation is just wait. If he doesn't send CS then I would most definitely be on the horn with him, but as long as he does that then I guess I would be OK. In the end he is only biting his own butt, not yours, by playing stupid games like this. So give him enough rope to hang himself and kick back and see what happens, KWIM? I am also guessing that eventually he'll quit being so stupid. I'm also wondering if perhaps he is busy with another woman, rather than being p*ssed at you???

[sheilajolene]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

I hear ya about not going back to men, but with the way i pick 'em women probably wouldn't be much better.
I guess what I would do in your situation is just wait. If he doesn't send CS then I would most definitely be on the horn with him, but as long as he does that then I guess I would be OK. In the end he is only biting his own butt, not yours, by playing stupid games like this. So give him enough rope to hang himself and kick back and see what happens, KWIM? I am also guessing that eventually he'll quit being so stupid. I'm also wondering if perhaps he is busy with another woman, rather than being p*ssed at you???

Well, he's engaged, so yes, he's busy with another woman, but he used to email a couple of times a day from work. I always wonder what he tells people when they say "how is your son". I'm sure he doesn't respond with the truth, which is "I don't care enough to ask how he is". It's so hard not to email to ask what's going on, but I don't want to initiate conversation. I want to see how long he'll go without asking about ds... I know he's mad at me, but can he really not care enough to wonder about the baby?

[Naless]

OK I know what I am about write is not what you want to hear but I've BTDT

First you said you let him visit, the word that sticks out for me is "let" To me (and this may not be what you meant) I hear you decide if he will see his son or not and you are using this as a form of power/control. So he may be hearing that if he doesn't keep you happy then seeing his son can change at your will and that can be upsetting to non custodial fathers/mothers. The fact that he is willing to pay to travel every two months to see his child is good. There are fathers that wouldn't drive around the block.

As for him not emailing you about your son I know that as mothers we can't grasp why a parent wouldn't want every detail but now that I am on child #3 and possible #4 after a while its all the same. That doesn't mean he doesn'tt care but how much can you really say about a child who is 6 months old. It kind of becomes a standard response.

Now this part I know you don't want to hear because when I was were you are now I didn't want to hear it either. YES you are to stop your life for the weekend so that you DS can build a relationship with his father. This is for your DS's benefit not your Ex's. As mothers we have to sometimes but our anger and hurt feelings aside for our child. And after all it is one weekend every two months. Come on you aren't really being put out that much.

Email him to verify the travel arrangements. In the email let him know that if you don't hear from him by such and such date you will take it that the visit is off and make other plans. Give him at least 3-4 days to respond if the trip is 3-4 weeks away. If he doesn't respond fine, if he does fine.

He's going to not ask about ds for a month and a half and then come and play daddy? Um, no.

UM, Yes. As much as it may piss us off. Yeah that's the way it is. Once again this is about DS and his relationship with his father, and not about your Ex or you and your Ex's relationship. You have to learn to seperate the two because he his the father no matter what (believe me if you could change fathers I would have long time ago) and your child deserves the best relationship with his father possible and if that means you have to bite your tongue so be it.

It sounds like (and I may be reading more into this than there is) that you are still angry and upset about aspects of your relationship (cheating, dumping, being left to raise the child alone) and the lack of communication between the two of you is not really about him not asking about your son and while all those are valid points they have nothing to do with visitation. You need to encourage a healthy relationship between your DS and his father. I say this 10 years later so its easy for me now but I do remember the anger, bitterness and sometime all out hatred, it hasn't been that long ago.

Now with all that being said I Hope things get better for you and your DS and that I added some perspective so that you can make this a situation you can deal with with some peace and harmony.

[jillibug]

I have to agree with Naless. DDs father lives in Boston and has never once flew here to KS to see her. She and I always go to him. If he and his DW wanted to come here they are more than welcome and would be more than happy to provide beds and a car. I would email him letting him know how babe is doing and that you were just checking in.
Adria

[sheilajolene]

If he were living here and really wanted a relationship, I would absolutely accommodate him. Are you kidding, that would mean that I'd get a break every once in a while. When he comes to visit, I have to drive four hours to my mother's house and stay there for the weekend (He can not come to my house because he has threatened to take ds and I need to have people around us just in case). That's one heck of a long drive with a baby who hates the car. It usually ends up closer to six hours because of stopping and nursing and soothing and diapers. So YES I AM being put out.

I'm also not convinced that a bi-monthly relationship is better than no relationship at all. I'm not saying that it's my decision to stop his visitng, I am saying that at some point, as ds gets older, erratic visiting is going to get harder for the babe. Hopefully by that time, we will have a legally binding agreement, though.

The reason he is "willing to pay" to come see his child is because his friends live here. He goes out every night and comes over completely hung over. Last time he was here, he took a long nap (without ds) every day of his visit. it's one thing to honestly come about the baby, but come on, I don't need to put off my whole weekend so he can nap while I take care of our child. He's not a "partier" but turns into one with his old friends.

I will probably take your advice and email him right before he has scheduled to come. I'm not willing to rearrange my life for a weekend if he's going to be nasty to me because he's mad. I do way to much to deal with someone not respecting me when I'm going out of my way for him.

[fek&fuzz]

At the age of 4 months, it doesn't really affect your son if his dad doesn't email to ask about him for a week. Nor does it affect his ability to parent, really, since he doesn't see his child unsupervised, and if there are things you need to let him know about preferences your son has, those would most likely be communicated during the visit, not via email.

It doesn't sound like he's being nasty to you, from what you've written, just that he hasn't emailed. You don't know what his motives are for that. Why do you think he's mad at you? It may have nothing to do with you. He may just be busy with his new gf.

When my boyfriend was going through custody issue with his ex, at one point she said to him "if you had just married me, I wouldn't be doing any of this to you." She continues to interfere with his relationship with his daughter due to her bitterness over him not wanting to be with her. Don't let your bitterness over your ex interfere with his relationship with his son, and with your son's relationship with his father. A bi-monthly visit is not "erratic", it's pretty regular for dads and kids who don't live in the same state.

Just has your ex has to deal with the fact that his life now involves having to travel to see his kid, yours now involves having to travel also, until you feel safe with other arrangements (or until the court orders them.) That's just life.

[WatermelonSnow]

As attached mamas, it can be so hard to understand when the other parent doesn't exhibit the same care and interest in our DC as we do. We feel the DC deserve better. At the same time, the only one we have power over is ourselves, and cannot change the behavior of another person.

He hasn't emailed for several days. That's the fact. You've taken yourself to some imaginary place in the future where he hasn't bothered to check in for 6 weeks. You don't know the circumstances of the change in frequency, any changes that may have happened in his life to cause them. Do have specific information that he is mad at you?

I understand the hurt and pain and anger that come from getting burned, and I know how hard it is to suck it up and act mature and *big*. I also know that it's a lot easier to suck it up in an email than it is in person . Go ahead, write that first email, blasting him, asking why the he!! he doesn't care about your DS - rage and flame away. Hit delete. Then write the email that says, "Hey, we haven't heard from you in a while. I got used to your frequent emails and like sharing information about DS with you. Say, are we still on for August? I need to know by Xdate. Thanks, sheilajolene."

I'm sorry you're going through this. You are going above and beyond to accomodate DS's relationship with his dad, even when his dad is not exactly sterling. I want to recognize you for that.

[Pagan_princess]

Originally Posted by Naless

OK I know what I am about write is not what you want to hear but I've BTDT

First you said you let him visit, the word that sticks out for me is "let" To me (and this may not be what you meant) I hear you decide if he will see his son or not and you are using this as a form of power/control. So he may be hearing that if he doesn't keep you happy then seeing his son can change at your will and that can be upsetting to non custodial fathers/mothers. The fact that he is willing to pay to travel every two months to see his child is good. There are fathers that wouldn't drive around the block.

As for him not emailing you about your son I know that as mothers we can't grasp why a parent wouldn't want every detail but now that I am on child #3 and possible #4 after a while its all the same. That doesn't mean he doesn'tt care but how much can you really say about a child who is 6 months old. It kind of becomes a standard response.

Now this part I know you don't want to hear because when I was were you are now I didn't want to hear it either. YES you are to stop your life for the weekend so that you DS can build a relationship with his father. This is for your DS's benefit not your Ex's. As mothers we have to sometimes but our anger and hurt feelings aside for our child. And after all it is one weekend every two months. Come on you aren't really being put out that much.

Email him to verify the travel arrangements. In the email let him know that if you don't hear from him by such and such date you will take it that the visit is off and make other plans. Give him at least 3-4 days to respond if the trip is 3-4 weeks away. If he doesn't respond fine, if he does fine.

He's going to not ask about ds for a month and a half and then come and play daddy? Um, no.

UM, Yes. As much as it may piss us off. Yeah that's the way it is. Once again this is about DS and his relationship with his father, and not about your Ex or you and your Ex's relationship. You have to learn to seperate the two because he his the father no matter what (believe me if you could change fathers I would have long time ago) and your child deserves the best relationship with his father possible and if that means you have to bite your tongue so be it.

It sounds like (and I may be reading more into this than there is) that you are still angry and upset about aspects of your relationship (cheating, dumping, being left to raise the child alone) and the lack of communication between the two of you is not really about him not asking about your son and while all those are valid points they have nothing to do with visitation. You need to encourage a healthy relationship between your DS and his father. I say this 10 years later so its easy for me now but I do remember the anger, bitterness and sometime all out hatred, it hasn't been that long ago.

Now with all that being said I Hope things get better for you and your DS and that I added some perspective so that you can make this a situation you can deal with with some peace and harmony.

I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear, I do agree with all of this as well. I know that it is hard and it hurts. I've BTDT, but for the sake of the baby you have to. I think that it is great that he wants to be a part of you DS'S life at all. There are many out there that don't even bother.

I say stay strong, let him have his visit, and then if you need to come vent here. We can have plenty of hugs and support waiting.

[sheilajolene]

Well, he finally emailed

Thank you for all of your replies.

I received a very short email from him tonight, saying "I am done trying to deal with your bullsh!t, I love my son but dealing with you is too much."

He obviously thinks I did something or offended him in some way... I re-read our last emails and can't find anything that may have set him off. My last email to him included a really sweet video of ds laughing hysterically.... I'm irritated that I go out of my way to include him and he blows everything off.

I wonder if I'll ever see child support again :

[wytchywoman]

Can you email him back and ask him to clarify what he meant? In regards to CS if he doesn't pay voluntarily his wages can be garnished as long as you have a court order. Was he paying just because or do you guys have a judge's orders on CS? He sounds like he's being a real creep.

[sheilajolene]

Originally Posted by wytchywoman

Can you email him back and ask him to clarify what he meant? In regards to CS if he doesn't pay voluntarily his wages can be garnished as long as you have a court order. Was he paying just because or do you guys have a judge's orders on CS? He sounds like he's being a real creep.

He was paying me voluntarily, which I preferred. I started to write back to him, but I feel like I will be playing games if I do that. He's a big boy, he made a decision and at some point he'll realize he really screwed up. I'm assuming his fiance has something to do with this, but who knows....

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by sheilajolene

He was paying me voluntarily, which I preferred. I started to write back to him, but I feel like I will be playing games if I do that. He's a big boy, he made a decision and at some point he'll realize he really screwed up. I'm assuming his fiance has something to do with this, but who knows....

If you have the means I would speak to an attorney now, and be ready to file court paperwork asap if he doesn't pay next month. I wouldn't delay at all, if there is any way you can afford to go to court and get that order I'd do it. I should have done this long ago and now I am totally regretting not doing it.