alexa07 wrote:
Quote:
| Being with a child, without its mama there is the best way for them to form their own bond with her, which of course is important. |
That has not been my experience at all. I think you can bond with a child just by spending time with them...it is not based on whether you get the mom out of the picture. Dh bonded with ds beautifully after he was born, and he certainly wasn't taking him out on errands or staying home while I left. That did not happen for months, until ds was old enough to go without feeding or comfort nursing for an hour or two. And they were well bonded by then.
Foobar, I can only tell you my experience.
I felt like a mama bear to ds immediately after he was born. He was my cub, and I simply did not want him out of my sight. Period. I felt amazingly resentful of even the midwife handling him after his birth. It was a deep down instinctive feeling. It wasn't a specific idea or belief, but a true gut instinct. I did not *want* to leave him. I did not *want* to run errands without him. I did not *like* the feeling of looking down and seeing an empty sling.
When ds was in the sling or backpack I felt centered and grounded in a very profound way that I did not feel when he was gone. It felt natural and right to be with him. It felt disorienting and stressful to be away from him. I did trust dh in this same primal way, that he would love and care for ds as I would. I enjoyed having someone I could trust like that, and once ds was an older baby, dh often took him on errands. But that kind of trust did not naturally extend to other people when ds was a baby.
As ds grew older, stronger, more fully formed as a person, this changed in degree's. If I know he is happy and thriving, I can put my attention on something else and trust he can communicate if there is a problem. Also, as he has become an older child (he is 7), he is so well developed as a person now, we can "get tired of each other" the way people do, and want time apart just for the sake of having time to ourselves. But that dynamic was not present when he was a baby/toddler.
As far as other reasons, I truly did not feel, as somone else said, that he could be cared for as respectfully and consciencously by someone else. This was particularly a strong feeling before he could speak. Since I did not have to use outside care, I saw no need for it.
We did not live near family. Yes our parents did raise us and we survived, as you pointed out. But I know my parents spank and have little patience for childish behaviour. I did not leave ds alone with them until he was much older, able to talk, and only for very brief periods after we had long talks about our expectations in terms of no spanking.
And you know what is interesting? I think they have a much, MUCH better relationship with ds than they ever did with me. Ds only see's their better qualities. He thinks they are fun and happy and adore him, and they do. But they (especially my father) have often been on the verge of yelling and spanking, and likely would have done both if I had encouraged to much time alone too soon. Once ds was old enough to adapt to their cue's and expectations, it worked better leaving him with them. Before he could do that, it would have been a disaster. And I did not want that for ds.
Incidentally, I had a kidney stone a few months ago, when dh was out of the state. It was a blinding pain and I was passing out, and ds helped me find the phone. I called a friend, and then an ambulance. She tood ds overnight while I was in the ER.
Ds had never been away overnight, and we only knew this woman for a few months. But it went fine. I knew in my gut it would. She was a wonderful person and I trusted her. Ds had lots of fun, and dealt with everything fine. He didn't cry or panic. He was concerned but he accepted her attempts to make him happy (popcorn, all the video's he could stand), and remembers it as a fun adventure. I think everyone, even myself, was duly impressed with the way he acted.
I think having mostly good experiences with outside care has improved his coping skills. He trusts that he will always be well cared for, and it seems to help him weather situations that might be stressful and traumatic (like seeing your mom taken away in an ambulance).
Okay I've rambled long enough,
