ok, you know the story

[TAC]

I met with my lawyer yesterday. She took the time to draw up the order filing for sole custody. There are alot of incidents in this petition. Most of you have read my past stories and know things are real rough for me and my kids. X gets worse all the time.

My lawyer will not commit one way or the other as to whether or not I should file this petition. She says, "I'm only human. You know how I prepare. I will do everything I can. But I can't tell you how the judge is going to react to anything. You have only been divorced a year, they may say, give it more time. They may send you to mediation, they may award sole custody." She told me to read through the petition and contact her on Monday. Tell her than whether or not I will go ahead.

So why am I hesitating you ask? Well, if I go foward with this all hell is going to break loose. It will be an extremely painful and drawn out process. X is going to be meaner than ever. What's worse is if I go through, and I lose I should just as well pack my bags and hand my children over to him. He will be the meanest thing walking. The cost for losing is huge.

And so wise Mama's, since I have had your support for a very long time. I consider some of you my friends. I ask advice once again. Should I leave well enough alone, or proceed into the abyss.

[LankyLizards]

Well, you have to do what you truly feel that you have to do - regardless of how he will react. Maybe pursuing this in court will help your ex to see how much his behavior has been bothering you, and it will be a wake up call for him. Certainly, the way things are now is not good. Do you really feel that you can carry on this way much longer? It's too bad that your lawyer doesn't have more of an idea of how the judge might react. If I were in you rposition, I would probably get out some paper and a pen and write out a pro and con list. Good luck!

[Haydee]

When I decided to leave my X I didn't have anywhere to go. I stayed with him for 2 months, building my support system while walking on egg shells. When I decided I was ready I created a problem that I knew he'd blow up about, thus giving me a valid reason to leave. The problem I created? I wanted to go on a drive to see the changing leaves with friends from work (including a few guys.)

I say all this with a question.. you know him. You know what makes him blow up. Is there any way you can create something that you know will make him blow up but doesn't put you in the wrong? And this time.. be ready. Call the police. Make it the big deal that it is.

No matter what, I think the pro/con list may be a good idea.. and maybe talking to the kids' therapist? Would that person have a good handle on everything and what's best for the kids?

It's a horrible situation.. I wish I could say or do more for you.

[Metta&Karuna]

Since he is so violent and volatile, if you do move forward I would URGE you to have a serious safety plan in place for when the sh!t hits the fan. You and your kids may even be wise to be set up in a DV shelter. I am worried for your safety.

As for the decision itself, I wish you courage and clarity in your decision. One question: is there an external time-line of some kind you need to be working with or is the urgency that you want yourself and your kids to be safe as soon as possible?

Another question: once you file, would he still have the usual visitation schedule (or I'm thinking it's joint custody?) until a hearing?

[wytchywoman]

Did you report the assault incident when he shoved you? Or at the very least can you get a written statement from the neighbor who witnessed the incident? Like PP's said, it is only you who can decide on this one, but if you decide not to do this I would handle drop offs and pick ups in the lobby of the policew department, just to show him you mean business and he is never to touch you like that again. Heck if you do decide to file I would definitely do that. He is freaking out way too hard and losing his temper over little stuff and he strikes me as someone who could be very dangerous. I understand the quandry you are in because I am in a similar one only about CS. I know how hard it is to try and decide when you know in the long run it *might* help but in the short run it will make your life a living hell. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))) mama.

[Haydee]

Another question.. how has he been about doctors and meds and stuff? If that's all doing better I might hesitate to file anything.... just because you know he'll start that stuff up again. It's stupid, I know.

[WatermelonSnow]

You are truly between a rock and a hard place. I wish I had some words of wisdom or deep thoughts. But I don't, so I will pray for you and babes and send you vibes of strength and clarity.

[TAC]

He will maintain regular contact through the summer. The summer visitation is one full week to one full week. I need to be sure she files when the kids are with me. He has never really gotten physical, (with the ball field as one exception). He prides himself on that. Because you know that is an abuser and since he never did that he can't be called an abuser.

The children's therapist is in support of sole custody. Namely me. The law guardian is in support. Teachers and doctors probably too. He hasn't messed with the doctors in a while. But he has made the school very difficult to deal with. Of course they can't fire you. Where I used to have a very good relationship with them, I now do not. I can almost see them cringe when I enter. I have not yet had to deal with the school on a professional level. (CPS).

I will move ahead. I will proceed with caution. The truth is, I can't even get braces for the kids. Everything, even picking up medication is a battle. My children truly suffer. They are prevented from maintaining any kind of life style. He takes them every weekend he has them out of state to his family. At 12yo, dd has a life here and wants to live it. But she is constantly prevented.

[Haydee]

Good for you. I know it's going to be a hard battle, but hopefully it will end with you having sole custody again. Your strength amazes me.

[Jster]

Sounds like you've thought things through on lots of levels. It's never easy to face the future, but sometimes at least when there's a hope things will get better, then it's good to try.

Just curious, when you mean sole custody, you mean legal decision making power? In my case, we have "joint custody" but I have "Impasse decision making power" so it works out as the same thing but is a little easier to take. What kind of placement schedule would you propose?

The only other thing is I'm a little worried by your lawyer's reluctance. Some lawyers only shoot for the middle, and it's hard for them to be as diligent and uncompromising as you need in your situation (I'll be one of those kinds of lawyers when I graduate from law school, I'm sure ). Now might be the time to get a bull-dog lawyer, one who won't take no for an answer, who doesn't hesitate, who fights viciously for you. If your lawyer doesn't feel comfortable pleading with the court for sole custody, maybe she's not the right one.

[MissLotus]

I agree with the PP....what about changing lawyers? I know it's just one more thing to deal with right now. But if you're going to do this (and deep down I think you should), she can't be tip-toeing around. She should have advised you to make a police report. And has she used the fact that you had a witness during ex's last go-round? I don't know how many others you've consulted with, but I would definitely be looking (I consulted with eight, I think, before I got the one I settled on). It's just too important. Anyway, I understand your dread...don't want to make things worse, but yet have to take the chance that things will be better. You've hung in there so long - just keep hanging in there - whatever stink he may raise won't last forever, and Lord knows he bursts out over nothing as it is. I think that is why I'd go for it. But like I said, I'd make sure I had the right lawyer, first...

[TAC]

She is a good lawyer. The best in our area. She hesitates to commit one way or the other whether or not we'll win. She probably has learned over the years that it is dangerous to sway a client with this kind of decision. She wrote a good order to show cause. She placed in the order the incident where he lost his temper. She contacted the law guardain, because dd told the lg about the incident. The lg is useless. She won't act at all on anything.

She did tell me, ask yourself, can you continue to live this way. Can you continue to let your children live this way. She does tell me without committing herself. I understand that.

I don't want another lawyer at this time. She is extremely familiar with x and his nonsense. She has complete dislike for him. And most importantly, she has learned how to set him off, even in a public situation. She says the absolute best thing will be to have him on the stand. And even better is if he doesn't have an attorney.

It's definitely a gamble. Easy when it's your life, tough when you are dealing with children's lives.

Thanks for the support. I can always come here. I sat on the fence through the weekend, but there isn't a post in here that recommends waiting and following through. That sure says something. Fingers crossed.

[MissLotus]

I understand; it's good to know the lawyer gets the situation and how awful ex is. I just hope she's doing everything she possibly can.

I feel like the crap is hitting the fan for EX, not for you. I know he'll rage, etc, but like I said, he does that anyway with no provocation. And by filing, you are sending a message in no uncertain terms that his behavior will not be tolerated. Any. More.

Stay strong!