Spinoff: To what extent will you encourage your kids to be AP parents?

[limabean]

A thread in the SAHM forum (the "Do you want your DD to SAH" thread) got me thinking. I'm not quite sure how to phrase my question, but I think it's something like: How much will you encourage your children to conform to your views regarding AP/NFL/etc. once they become parents?

I mean, they'll grow up in your home and obviously will be exposed to your beliefs that way, but if/when they have their own kids, will you vocally advocate breastfeeding, cosleeping, not vaxing, etc.? Or will you just hope that the experiences/viewpoints/etc. you've shared with them over the years will speak for themselves, and assume that they'll choose to do those things on their own?

Will the extent of your advocacy differ between your daughter and your son (thinking of how it's usually the moms who make those decisions, and wondering how a DD will take the advice compared to a DIL)?

How will you react if they make decisions you don't agree with?

[chinaKat]

hopefully I will lead by example, but will also keep my mouth shut until asked for input.

[kewb]

With my future DIL I plan to shut up and wear beige (as my MIL loves to say but does not practice). I hope my ds learns through the example of his upbringing and discusses with his future partner all aspects of child raising.
With my dd I hope the same.

[savannah smiles]

Originally Posted by chinaKat

hopefully I will lead by example, but will also keep my mouth shut until asked for input.

:

I'm glad my older dd has seen me nursing the baby well into toddlerhood so I hope it seems normal to do the same with her own kids. I might give her the Dr. Sear's baby book while she's pg and stuff like that but I want her to have enough room to find her own way as a mother.

[CaraNicole]

i hope that i am good enough parent that ds and future dc will want an ap life for their kids yk? i just pray everyday that dil isn't "mainstream mom" :

[mahogny]

Well, I've thought about this for years sorta...but only in terms of breastfeeding.

With DS, I realize that the likelihood of his kids being breastfed is largely dependant on future DIL; how she was raised, her personal beliefs on the matter, her experiences, etc. Of course, I hope that DS will be encouraging her breastfeeding any way possible.

As my MIL used to be disapproving of my kids breastfeeding so long (and heartily voiced her opinion against our decision to leave DS intact, and let's not even venture into co-sleeping, etc.) I really don't want to be that MIL, the one who loudly disapproves, so I will bite my tongue if future DIL does not breastfeed. (MIL and I now have a "don't ask don't tell" policy.)

With DD, I like to believe I will have more of an influence. I fully realize the decision is hers ultimately, but I know that she will be raised in a household where breastfeeding is the norm, expected, and extolled. And I hope that she and I have a close relationship as she starts her family, and that we can talk freely about it.

As for not spanking, hopefully my kids, who have never been spanked, will assert that belief onto their spouses.

[BelgianSheepDog]

Originally Posted by chinaKat

hopefully I will lead by example, but will also keep my mouth shut until asked for input.

As usual :

People tend to do what they know from experience. We mostly hear about the bad examples of this (ie the cycle of abuse/violence perpetuated through generations, or alcoholism, or poor body image) but it goes for the good stuff too. If moms breastfeeding their kids until preschool is what you grew up with, that's what you'll default towards doing unless something happens to change your mind.

[Alohamelly]

Originally Posted by chinaKat

hopefully I will lead by example, but will also keep my mouth shut until asked for input.

Ditto.

But one of the reasons I'm glad that there's going to be such a large age gap between my kids is that my DD will get to see everything I'm doing now, that I did with her when she was a baby. The one area I really want to make an impression is breastfeeding. I hope she breastfeeds when she has kids.

[Inci]

I agree with what BelgianSheepDog said, about APed adults defaulting to AP when parenting (unless something happens to change their minds) because it's what they know.

My brother and I were APed and are now both in our 20s. AP definitely seems like "the norm" to me, and although I don't have any children yet, I've been dreaming of it for years and I will definitely AP - it's not even a question! I've been working with young children for years, and as much as it's possible to AP as a childcare provider, I do. I use GD, wear the babies whenever possible, sometimes "co-sleep" by napping with the kid(s) in a big bed (as long as the parents are okay with it, of course - usually these parents co-sleep, too!), am at least supportive of breastfeeding (can't participate, haha!), am just affectionate and nurturing with the children in general, making sure they know how much I love to be with them.

My brother and his wife have a toddler. They had a homebirth with midwives, toddler is still breastfeeding, no vax, natural/alternative medicine, no TV, GD, co-sleeping, plans to unschool, the whole bit!

I don't remember our mom ever directly telling us to AP, because that right there doesn't fit with how she APed!! Growing up, we always had plenty of open, honest discussions, during which she would definitely give her thoughts and opinions, and give us as much information as possible about the topic at hand, so that we could then make our own, (hopefully) well-thought out, informed decisions.
Now with my brother and his wife, Mom is happy to give advice and help when asked, but is also careful not to step in unasked, and not to criticize. And she offers lots of encouragement and support to reinforce the good things they've already chosen to do as parents.

[Mama2Bug]

I have given this some thought lately, actually. I know that I, for one, am annoyed/offended when the in-laws give too much unwanted advice. I want to avoid that. I don't want to be that mom/MIL.

So I have decided that I will give books as "Congratulations on you pregnancy" gifts. Only if asked, will I give my opinions regarding the birth. Hopefully, my children will see that they have been healthy without vaxing, so they won't see the need to vax their own children, but I will not force the issue. I will do all that I can to encourage DD/DIL, if she chooses to breastfeed, but if she remains firm about not doing so, I will hold my tongue. Cloth diapers are great, but not a hill to die on, imo. Co-sleeping is not for everyone, though I hope they will at least try it when the grandchild is an infant.

The only things that I am willing to become a horrible nag over, and will nag about if necessary, are circ, CIO and spanking/physical punishment. Those, I feel, are outright abuse and I will speak up as often as necessary to protect my future grandchildren.

[my3peanuts]

Originally Posted by chinaKat

hopefully I will lead by example, but will also keep my mouth shut until asked for input.

Ditto!

I think if we instill our values into our children from a young age chances are they aren't going to go against everything they've learned and do the opposite. Especially if they are well informed. Hopefully I'll find opportunities to discuss the issues I feel strongly about when they're still at home!

[Jessy1019]

I'm leading by example but also teaching my kids that the way we do things is the normal and healthy way to do them. I'll also be encouraging them to talk to their partners about parenting issues that are important to them . . . I would honestly be very disappointed if DS decided it didn't matter if he had kids with a woman who had no intentions of breastfeeding, or if either one had kids with a spanker or pro-circ, mainstream partner.

I'm very vocal about my opinions, so even if my future daughter or son in law doesn't hear them, my kids absolutely will.

[LeftField]

When they're already parents or they're partnered with someone, then it's no longer my business (or anyone else's). It reminds me of those annoying MIL posts and how hassled women feel by all the unsolicited advice. I don't care if we're talking about AP or what, it's the same thing: I had my babies and raised them how I saw fit; now it's someone else's turn and it's just NOT my baby anymore. I hope to mind my own business and trust them to make their own decisions as adults. After all, that's how I wanted to be treated.