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Kids coming to visit and child support - Page 2

post #21 of 31
Thread Starter 
Laggie, that's kind of what I was meaning w/o wanting to say outright (because I know CS is a sensitive subject and I wanted to tread lightly to make sure I got my thoughts out correctly). Besides travel (like I said, 4 roundtrip plane tix, in the summer - BIG $, then saving to hope to do it again at Xmas...), they haven't been here in YEARS and then they were kind of too little to appreciate anything, "sight seeing" wise. They want to go to the beach. They asked, they'll get. They don't have "mountains" per say, so I'd like them to see them. Then there's an amusement park, museums... not too make it all about $, I know it's about the kids, but... it can get expensive. And, did I mention I'm unemployed right now. Fun. Not to mention the $ it takes away from us maybe having a little weekend away closeby this year (like you said about vacay $ Laggie). (I hope that doesn't sound horrible - I didn't mean it to).
Bobandjess99, that's interesting. That's something else I was coming here looking for, someone who maybe had it set that way legally. Not that we would go that route (I don't think) but it's still interesting.
post #22 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by JnB View Post
Bobandjess99, that's interesting. That's something else I was coming here looking for, someone who maybe had it set that way legally. Not that we would go that route (I don't think) but it's still interesting.

We didn't really have a choice. Like I said, it is a standard part of our state custody/CS rules. Of course, you *can* deviate from the state guidelines, but they REALLY don't like that, and you have to show cause/reason for doing so. So, although I suppose we could have changed it, we didn't. however - we pay full CS every week of the year anyway. Technically, we could get away with paying only half for 2 weeks in the summer, but we don't.
post #23 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by JnB View Post
He would never take them away from their mother (though she took them away from him). So, this is now our reality and we're just trying to make it work. He wants to see his kids, at least 3 - 4 times a year, unfortunately to do that means lots and lots of logistical and financial hopscotch.
I love your attitude about everything, really. As a SM these things are super tricky, and i totally appreciate that. However i would just like to try and change your view a tiny bit on this one thing. You layed out a bit of the history for us, showing that both your H and his X tried to 'make it work'. I just wish you didn't look at her living in the UK (where her family is, and where she was born and raised) as taking his children away from him. I can almost guaruntee it had nothing to do with literally wanting to take them away from him. In fact it seems she really tried to *not* do that. (Also, i'm not clear on her residency status, so she may have had no other options but to return home after divorcing in order to live and work and support the kids).

I know it makes things tough, that they are both from different countries. But i am in this situation as well, and it frustrates me to hear someone say "She took his child away from him." Because i really did not! He chose to marry me and bring me to his country. When he decided i was no longer what he wanted, i was basically forced to return to my home country, and i brought my infant son with me. It seems that your H's marriage dissolved under fairly amiable circumstances, which is really nice to hear. I just hope that perhaps you might see her side, and not look at it as though she took the children away from him, "even though he'd never do that to her".

As for your question about CS, i wonder why this wasn't taken into consideration when they agreed on everything? I would suggest that it was, and therefore the CS should not change even while you have the kids for 2 weeks. However, if your H and his X can come up with a reduced sum (because of the fewer groceries she'll be buying) then i guess that's great that they can agree like that. But if she were to not agree to a reduction, i would hope you would be understanding, because perhaps she's hoping to use that money on new clothing for growing children, or something special for them, like newly decorated rooms for their return from their visit with their Dad, or something like that. Just a thought. I hope you'll be understanding if she doesn't accept a reduced amount. I totally respect that you are having to pay extra in travel costs and etc to visit with the children. I know it's rough. But it is for his X as well.
post #24 of 31
Thread Starter 
ButterflyStarburst, thanks for your reply and insight. I want to preface this reply with an explanation into my psyche right now after something(s) I found out last night - I am halfway between shaking with anger and nauseous over being lied to. And really ticked by the games that his X is seemingly playing.
DP's SIL accidentally let it slip (last night) that it's a shame my DP now has to pay for "the hotel room". : : Long story short (I hope) his X said leaving for the airport at 4am is too early. Her dad can't take her and her new DP can't because he has to work. She wanted a hotel room near the airport - her DP would drop them off and pick her up the next day. (This correspondence was via email so he claims he never "lied" when I asked and he said he hasn't TALKED to her lately.) So, my DP said he'd pay - the flip side being that he lands and she would simply not be there with the kids.
Well, now he "only" has to pay for half of the room because her new DP is staying in the hotel with them. But... I thought he had to work, that's why he couldn't drive them. : : : Why does he have to pay at all, esp now when obviously her DP has the time to take off of work. Now he's just paying for their night away! (I swear, coming soon is a question for the gas money to and from the airport).
As it stands I am being lied to, my DP has asked his SIL to lie to me, his X is playing games and constantly winning since he can't risk not seeing his kids. I do not think I can handle this anymore. They will be here in 8 days and I'm ready to leave now.
ButterflyStarburst, I can respect what you're saying, and as your situation is quite similar I do not mean to offend in any way. But, for clarity, when she left with the kids the first time they were still married. She decided on her own and he was either to stay here and make a life without his wife and kids or he was forced to follow. She quite literally woke up one day and announced she was leaving. And left. It wasn't that she just wanted them away from him, but this country and his family. And, again, since they were still married she didn't have a conflict with residency status. (Though, I respect that you tried to fill in blanks I left in my explanation and explain the flip side as that may have been the case.)
So, while I started this thread wondering if people had opinions on reduced CS while vacationing with one parent it has now culminated in him paying for 4 roundtrip tix (because she won't allow them to fly with "minders" (babysitters, so he has to go get them and turn right around and come home - same on trip back) that British Air provides), a hotel room for them, travel insurance and her ever growing list of things "Daddy can buy you when you visit him".
I may be too upset to be posting this right now, but I'm going to anyway because I need to vent. I am not trying to offend anyone in a similar situation or not. I'm just so upset at what seems to be this game his X is playing and him having to lie to me because he doesn't want me upset. Though, of course I now am. Multiplied by his lying. :
post #25 of 31
I think that typically travel costs are split between the two parents. I'm surprised that your husband is expected to pay 100% of it.

I also think it is unreasonable for your DH to have to fly to Britain twice - the kids' mom should make one of those trips. I'm not sure how old the kids are but I imagine they can't fly alone on a transatlantic flight. For DSD it costs an extra $150 for her to fly unaccompanied, and that's only for a 1 hour flight!

As for the lying... Your husband sounds a lot like how mine used to be - always tiptoeing around the ex's feelings but ignoring mine. He did get a lot better over time. It took a long time for him to see that the more he went along with her unreasonable requests, the more unreasonable she became. Once he started sticking up for himself, things got a lot better.
post #26 of 31
Hmm, I can see your frustration, but I did want to give a little perspective on the idea of her taking the kids away from him.

I've lived in the US for 8 years now, and have no intention of going home. However, the UK is and always will be home to me - I've never felt 'at home' here, no matter how wonderful my dh is and what good friends I've made. I can fully understand how someone can get so overwhelmed by the differences and the frustrations of living here that they'd want to get on the first London-bound plane.

I am in a great situation as I know 100% that if at any point I said that I needed to go home, dh would pack up his job, sell everything and go with me. He'd stomach the cost of living, put up with living in a tiny house, and not even moan (much) about the weather. It's just what he'd do for me if I was unhappy enough to want him to do it. Period.

I'm not criticising your dh, but honestly, having done the parenting thing thousands of miles from friends and family, I'd feel pretty bad if I didnt know that dh would do the same for me. I don't think it would be the same for him - at least, in a 'traditional' SAHM family. He'd go to work, make new friends, bulid a life. It would be very much easier for him that it is for me.

For example, this week I'm moving house and my two year old has fractured his leg. I have nobody to call on for help. If I lived in the UK, I could call on my mum, my sisters, my close friends, and they'd be here in a shot. Gosh, it can feel lonely sometimes. Instead, I'm having to pack the house, organise trucks, talk to builders, cook meals and lug a sad and immobile 2 yo around as I do it. What I'd give to be able to pick up the phone and call my family for help!!

I don't ask dh to make the sacrifice of moving because his career is here, and I can handle the loneliness. But I can't blame anyone who can't handle it. I think that the knowledge that without question dh would go with me and stay with me forever makes it possible for me to not ask him to do that.

Hope this helps give some perspective.
post #27 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom3b1? View Post
Your rent or mortgage doesn't decrease because the children are gone.
I suppose with just one child this may not be as significant.
I've got three, and it adds up.
I never understand that argument.
Is it being implied that if a person doesn't have a child, they wouldn't have to pay rent/mortgage or would be homeless?
Don't all adults still have to pay for housing, whether they are parents or not?

No, rent doesn't decrease when kids are gone.
But why should child support pay THE PARENTS rent/mortgage.
The parent lives there, too, and they'd live somewhere and pay rent/mortgage, even if they didn't have any kids.

Now, with multiple children, the parents may want more bedrooms (not necessary with young children who cosleep, though).
With older children, boys may want their rooms separate from the girls in the family.
But does every child at any age NEED their own room?
I don't think so.

However, in the circumstances that would require extra rooms for extra kids, the increase in rent/mortgage is not usually a whole lot.
Maybe $100 to go from a one bedroom to a two bedroom apartment.
That was my experience during my apartment renting years.
Am I wrong?


ETA: In my case, all four of us share one bedroom.
I don't see the need for more bedrroms unless we wanted to make one a family room for all the toys, tv, computer, etc.
But that is what our living room is for.

(It would be nice to have a room for my pets to sleep in, for my bird cages, to keep the mess down.
But I don't like my pets being separated from what goes on in the house.
I'd hate to tuck my birds cages away in another room solely to keep the house cleaner.
They need to be around us.)

Yes, my daughters are young, and I suppose someday they'll move out of our family bed. When that day comes they will share a bedroom with each other. They won't each need their own room. My sister and I shared a bedroom and we saw nothing wrong with it. In fact, we shared a bed until I was 12 years old.
post #28 of 31
In my state the CS can be prorated based on how many nights the child spends with the NCP per month. It is not unusual for the CS to be reduced for extended visits. I know people who have successfully gotten the support reduced for having the children for a certain amount of time per month.
post #29 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom View Post
I never understand that argument.
Is it being implied that if a person doesn't have a child, they wouldn't have to pay rent/mortgage or would be homeless?
Don't all adults still have to pay for housing, whether they are parents or not?

No, rent doesn't decrease when kids are gone.
But why should child support pay THE PARENTS rent/mortgage.
The parent lives there, too, and they'd live somewhere and pay rent/mortgage, even if they didn't have any kids.
NO!if I did not have custody of my two older children, my husband and I could get away with a much smaller house. As it is now, we are looking to move from our three bedroom, 3 bath to a 4 bedroom 3 bath because our youngest is now of an age that he will be in a bed other than ours. His ten year old brother does not want to share with a three year old, and our daughter would be be happy to share.. but my former spouse declared that "unsafe." So if my older kiddos were only here as often as they are at their father's, I could be living in my two bedroom duplex, where one side pays the mortgage. (The kids see their bio father for all of 30 overnights a year....30/365)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom View Post
Am I wrong?
YES! to go from my duplex, where we would live mortgage or rent free to my husband's home (3/3) home was an added expense of 1500 a month.(210,000.00 home) to a 4/3 we are looking at a MINIMUM of a 400K home, and a 2200 mortgage. So no it is not just as simple as a hundred bucks a month.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Abi's Mom View Post
ETA: In my case, all four of us share one bedroom.
I don't see the need for more bedrroms unless we wanted to make one a family room for all the toys, tv, computer, etc.
But that is what our living room is for.



Yes, my daughters are young, and I suppose someday they'll move out of our family bed. When that day comes they will share a bedroom with each other. They won't each need their own room. My sister and I shared a bedroom and we saw nothing wrong with it. In fact, we shared a bed until I was 12 years old.
My former spouse threw a huge arse fit about our children co sleeping with my new spouse and I. (as I would have as well if it were reversed)
post #30 of 31
I'll gently remind you that as she and the children are in the UK, child support is determined and set by the CSA, who refuse to get involved in international cases and so there's no statutory amounts involved. I do think that in cases like this, it's reasonable to offer a lesser amount though.
post #31 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
our youngest is now of an age that he will be in a bed other than ours.
His ten year old brother does not want to share with a three year old
Yeah, I can see how that would be an unpleasant combination for room sharing between a 10 yr old and a 3 yr old.
That makes sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
and our daughter would be be happy to share.. but my former spouse declared that "unsafe."
That is so annoying that he would think it's unsafe. :

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
(The kids see their bio father for all of 30 overnights a year....30/365)
That is not much at all!

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
YES! to go from my duplex, where we would live mortgage or rent free to my husband's home (3/3) home was an added expense of 1500 a month.
(210,000.00 home)
to a 4/3 we are looking at a MINIMUM of a 400K home,
and a 2200 mortgage.
So no it is not just as simple as a hundred bucks a month.
Yes, houses are much different that apartments.
Houses cost way too much these days, IMO.
It's insane how much they cost.
It's so not fair.
We haven't been able to buy a house because of how expensive they are.
We live in a dilapidated mobile home that is older than me!
We're going to try to apply for a home through Habitat For Humanity, but they're not even accepting applications until this fall.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
My former spouse threw a huge arse fit about our children co sleeping with my new spouse and I.
(as I would have as well if it were reversed)
Your ex sounds difficult.
I can see how it's different, though, cosleeping with children that are not biologically from one parent.
I know I wouldn't want to cosleep with my stepson!
LOL.
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