Introduction -- and question for those of you with widely spaced kids

[Momily]

Hi everyone,

I'm relatively new here so I thought I'd give a brief intro before I asked my question.

I'm a single mom with an 8 year old son, who I adopted as a newborn. I've been single all along. I'm also a teacher.

Ever since DS was tiny I've had a very strong sense that I should have a second child. However, for a variety of reasons that hasn't happened yet. Now I'm in a place to start making that happen, and I'm feeling torn.

On one hand I love being a parent more than anything in the world, and so I feel like having two will be even better. I can't stand the idea that in 10 years he'll likely be gone from the house! Already, he's gone a lot, either literally (because he's off playing soccer or visiting a friend) or he's in his room reading, or whatever, and I feel like there's time to devote to a new little one (or not so little one, I'd be open to adopting a toddler or preschooler this time around). Even more that, I can't help feeling like someone's missing whose meant to be in our family.

On the other hand, there are times when I love the simplicity of one parent, one child. We just got back from a vacation at the beach, and on the last day we went out when the tide was out and spent hours looking for hermit crabs and snails in the tide pools, building walls of sand to hold back the tide when it came back in, talking about various things etc . . . In the back of my mind was the thought that if I'd had a little one I'm sure we'd have had to stop because a diaper needed to be changed, or someone got tired or hungry or cranky, or simply wanted my attention?

So my question is -- can I have my cake and eat it too? Can I find a way to AP a little one, and still find time to have those magical 1:1 moments with my first child. Will I ever be able to ride the big rollercoaster with DS, or race down a ski hill, or spend an hour reading aloud because neither of us can wait to hear how the story ends?

[Jster]

Here's one thing you didn't mention in your post...that in having another child join your family, it's not just for you to have a little one, but giving your son a sibling.

Some of the most amazing experiences I have as a parent are watching my kids interact, or listening to them together, or adventuring with both.

Can you have your cake and eat it too? Well, at what point do you think dc2 would be "portable" in the way you describe is nice with your ds? I don't have an 8yo yet , but feel that my kids are pretty easy to manage at their current ages, all potty trained, and ready for some very special adventures. As long as they get enough food and rest at night, we make it through the days great...

And welcome! I'm a formerly single mama who posts here frequently, as, well, you never quite overcome that experience!

[Momily]

Thanks Jster!

To clarify -- I'm pretty brave about traveling, either around the city or around the world with my child, and imagine being the same with 2. So portability isn't really the issue.

However, even once you can go places, with a huge age difference there are still going to be activities I want to share with DS1 that won't work with a much younger child. Or, if they do work, will be completely different. For example, DS and I love to ice skate together -- we'll go to the rink and I'll spend the whole time with him on the ice. Obviously, if I have a 10 year old and a 2 year old, I can still go to the rink, but I'm not going to be chasing after my older one, I'll be either watching from the sidelines with the Little One, or maybe holding his hands and going very very slowly. Which is OK -- I loved those years doing that with DS, and I'm sure I'll love it again, it's just that I also love going fast with my older one too.

If I was partnered this would be easy -- we'd all go to the rink and take turns, or one of us might put each one to bed, so I'd still get those marathon reading sessions in with DS at least sometimes.

[Jster]

Just a thought...you might find it helpful to post in the general parenting issues area about child spacing. Although it is different with a single parent than partnered parents, there might be more traffic there from people with btdt experience.

Also, how does your ds feel about it? Have you talked to him about it? I guess I always knew I'd have more than one, and even when I was a single mama to two, knew that I'd adopt/foster more if need be to add to our family. I talked to the girls about it a lot and they were both completely excited about it, even long before DP came into our lives they knew the "plan" was to have more kids in our family. But if your son isn't prepared/into it, it might be harder to deal with the adjustment.

As far as things like marathon reading sessions...we have those! It depends partially on temperment, dd1 I could read to her for an hour when she was 3yo, but both girls are used to me reading them longer books (a few hundred pages, say Charlotte's Web) over periods of time. sounds like you have a lot of reluctance, though, and if you're worried it would be too difficult, don't feel pressured TO have another child join your family just for the sake of not being alone when your son goes to school! There are plenty of other options when that time comes!!

[wytchywoman]

Well, I have a 14 yo and a 6 yo, and this was not planned. Both kids were BC pill babies, but that's another story. I guess I am struggling because of tons of sibling rivalry issues but I have found the transition from one child to two to be extremely difficult. The boys fight constantly, and each one knows how to push the other's buttons so they are both very skilled at picking fights. My 14 yo had me pretty much to himself until the 6 yo came along and he has resented him for being alive the entire time. I am completely at my wits end to try and bring peace into this house. We have tried counseling and it did very little good. So I don't mean to rain on your parade and your experience could be totally different, but our house has been in turmoil for pretty much 6 years over this issue. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

Well I have over a decade separating my two:. I’ve quite a bit of alone time with DS#2 as DS#1 doesn't have much use for me anymore, it's all about his friends and GIRLS (just not me). Anyhoo, it's totally doable and such a different pace then what my friends are experiencing with back to back babies.

[<~*MamaRose*~>]

Ohhhhh wytchywoman I’m so sorry you are having a hard time with the boys! I have not experienced ANY of what you’re going through as my little one worships his “very big brother” and my oldest still treats DS#2 like a baby but then again I have a bit more of an age gap so maybe that plays a part.

[nolonger]

I don't think anyone can beat my eighteen year age gap. I had two teens living with me during the bulk of the time I was TTC and I predicted that dd would move out by the time of the birth and really not be particularly involved in the littlest one's life. She was ready. She never did care much for small children.

That may yet prove to be the case, but dang, is she ever interested and educated and willing to do research about how women's bodies work and 100% supportive of my having a healthy pregnancy and birthing the way I want to birth.

It definitely adds a certain depth to our relationship for me to see things in her I never saw before, and it also deepens my relationship with the little on to be constantly reminded that I am not just pregnant with a cute cuddly widda baby, I am bringing a new human being into this world.