He was *supposed* to move out (VENT)

[meandmine]

Has this happened to any of you?

Stbx wanted a divorce. I decided fighting it wasn't gonna help matters or my children. Been in mediation (NOT going well), working with a child psychologist (been helpful) and trying to bite a hole through my tongue. Bent over backwards to make it "easy" for the ****.

So, for the second time I took the kids away so he could move out. The first time he decided he had work pressures and couldn't be bothered, but by then I had promised the kids the trip ...

This time a) they knew about the divorce, b) he actually has an apartment (which he can't afford, but nevermind money) and c) I figured he was gonna do it, ya know?

I tried to do everything I could to help make it happen. a) I got three guys to say they'd help as long as STBX actually called them b) I arranged to drop my kids at a friends house on the way home so I could do any last minute cleaning up c) I had other friends meet me at the house to help with any furniture re-arranging and cleaning needed d)While away I checked in with him every day to see how he was progessing and he assured me he was and e) I made sure my girls and I had a great time while away.

So, what happpened?

***** everywhere, boxes everywhere, still has piles and books, and papers all over the office and "his" room. Hasn't cleaned out the garage, piled my stuff all over because it was in "his" way (I had left the house immaculate)!!! His stuff is still in the closets, on the flooor, piled high!!! He even "borrowed" my car to move stuff tonight and is keeping my car at his place overnight!!!!

My friends couldn't help because he didn't have anything packed -- there was nothing they could do! I wound up going to get my girls and taking them out for dinner to give him two hours to clean up some of the mess!

I am NOT taking my girls away again so he can attempt to move again!

At bedtime tonight my girls were a mess -- so sad, upset. Youngest one said "You and Daddy love each other you just can't live together." I said "Well, we love each other the way God wants us to love everybody, but we aren't in love with each other." Both my girls lost it saying "If you don't love each other then you can stop loving us. If you aren't married to each other then you aren't our mommy and daddy anymore." My heart just wept; I don't think he cared much about their pain.

Ok, I just had to let it out.

I don't know what I am going to do about all his stuff. I didn't want this divorce, but if he wants out and done I want him OUT and DONE, iykwim?!

I figure I will just start packing up his stuff myself and taking it down to the basement with the rest of his **** and give him a year to get it all out. The garage is another matter--boxes are too big and heavy for me to move ...

Thanks for "listening."

M

[cjuniverse]

Mami, I'm so sorry. It is awful when men decide, for whatever reason, they have the right to refuse to follow through on their promises.

My ex was supposed to move out too. He didn't (place he was supposed to go fell through), and he won't be indefinitely. Good for help with childcare, bad for everything else. I want him gone, but can't get him to leave.

Which is sort of the opposite of your situation, but I think I feel your pain on some level anyway. I just want him out.

Many hugs. It will get better. He will move out. Then you and your sweet girls can move on, move through it, together (I'm so sorry they're having a rough time right now...but they will understand things better at some point...give them time!).

[MissLotus]

Oh, that is so frustrating, and it's sad that your girls are going through this...your ex is just prolonging it and not allowing anyone to heal or move on! Mine did something similar, though thankfully my son was just a baby at the time. Ex was abusive, in several ways...we were living in NYC which of course is hideously expensive, and at the time my parents were divorcing and in their own upheaval so I couldn't go there (out of state) and I have no siblings, and I simply had nowhere I could go long-term, yet. The point is, ex (who wasn't ex yet) was so awful and kept talking about divorce (nice - me with a newborn) constantly and refused to try anything...so of course one day I snapped and said, "Fine, divorce is fine...so move out!" and he didn't. Wouldn't. He had enough money to, so that wasn't the issue. Well, I found a tiny, cheaper, sublet apartment for my son and myself to squeeze into; ex claimed he'd be getting his own place within the month, and if he could "stay" with us a couple of weeks, he'd pay rent, etc...legally we were still married so I didn't think I could keep him out. So we get there, and of course he DIDN'T move out, so there we all were only in an even SMALLER, dumpier place. He thought it was great since this place was even cheaper. I wanted to have a FIT but of course our son was always two feet away (tiny place!) and I didn't want to upset him. Long story sort of short, I ended up finding an even cheaper apt. outside of the city...ex agreed to the move, and swore he'd gotten an apt. he could move into up there, if only he could stay with us the first couple of nights till the other place was ready...again, we were still married, etc....Well of course when we got there he tried to stay for a month and I knew it would just go on forever. So finally one day I did have a fit...and finally, grumbling, ex moved out. So because of that, to this day, it's my "fault" we got divorced because I "kicked him out". Never mind that he constantly spoke of divorce, was abusive, and was in no way a partner to me. I know this was long but your post really brought back that whole saga.....and isn't in STRANGE that a man who's supposedly so miserable won't get the heck out?! In your case, worse, because he's dragging your kids through the mire. We were separated years (he didn't take me to court, and I knew if I did, he'd make a stink over visitation issues, etc) before we got our divorce decree (just last month! we kept it out of court)....but one thing I made sure our separation agreement said, was something to the affect that we LIVE SEPARATELY. Not sure how close you are to legalizing the whole thing, but that always helps! Hang in there, you'll get there!

[wytchywoman]

I am sorry mama, that whole situation just stinks. I really do think though, that if you are planning on boxing his things up, that you would be better served to place them outisde rather than in the basement. I think that him knowing his stuff is outside exposed to the elements and possible thieves might motivate him to get a move on much better than if he knows his stuff is nice and safe and dry in your basement.

[Bad Mama Jama]

to you. I am so sorry that this passive aggressive behavior is going on at your home and that the little ones are involved in it. What an ugly situation and how careless of him to facilitate it. Be strong, mama. Hopefully, this will end soon.

[meandmine]

Hey, thanks, Ladies!!!

I am heavier today than almost any day since this whole nightmare began. I didn't want the divorce. I think his reasons are shallow and selfish. I am in agony for my kids. I am doing everything "right" (keeping it positive for the kids; treating him nicely etc), but I want him GONE -- I think he is a UA violation and a sinner and I want him GONE.

And yet, I am faced, after six months of this, with his flip flops still in the front hall and his trash still all over the house, the garage, the basement.

A literal weight on me.

The child psych we are working on the parenting plan with said I may just have to hire movers and tell him it is all going .... [to where?] in two weeks. Problem is, I can't afford movers.

Ok, this too shall pass somehow. I will sort it out (literally, probably :-), but for today I am just going to curl up in temporary surrender.

I just wish my kids didn't have to witness all this.

Thanks!

M

[rubelin]

oh, honey, I've been going through the same thing for the last 2 weeks!! Dh was supposed to move into the house next door last weekend, but it wasn't really until Sunday (the first) and he didn't even call anyone to help him until mid-afternoon, and then only called one person who wasn't available. Our friend finally came over at 6 and they got his bed and dresser out. and then dh went on a 2 day biz trip early the next morning, telling me he'd get the rest on the 4th. Well, the 4th came and he got a bit more, saying he'd get the rest this weekend. Well, we got about half the kitchen done on Saturday, he said he was too tired and would do the rest on Sunday. He didn't take a thing on Sunday.

The thing is that I packed up most of his stuff because I didn't really want him going through my things and because he wasn't doing any of it. He's leaving most of the furniture but he hasn't even made plans to get new stuff and keeps griping about how he doesn't have anything at his house. he only just went today to get the water put in his name and he was without power for 4 days because he didn't call the power co until this past Friday.

I have a feeling that I am going to have to be the one to file and pay for this divorce that I didn't even want because he's never going to get around to doing anything about it. Honestly, I am starting to feel a lot of "good riddance and don't let the door hit you on the way out!"

[Purplehaze]

Can you bag up his stuff in garbage bags and when he returns your car give it to him????

Can I ask- why did you let him take your car??? I would be worried as mine is as passive agressive as yours sounds, that while he had the car he'd do something or let something happen to it.

But I would bag up his stuff and either give it to him or drop it by his place- at least the stuff that is in the house any way. You and your kids need to not see that stuff every day. I'd probably also tell him - in a note- that he had 2 weeks, or what ever amount of time you deem, to clear out the garage... then I would start freecycling it... You'd be amazed- people will come to your house and pick up stuff and take it away! No paying movers there... Seriolusly that is what I would do. I would send the note registered and keep a copy... I'd check first into the legality of it...

[meandmine]

I have a feeling that I am going to have to be the one to file and pay for this divorce that I didn't even want because he's never going to get around to doing anything about it. Honestly, I am starting to feel a lot of "good riddance and don't let the door hit you on the way out!"[/QUOTE]

Yep!

I AM paying for my divorce (through the nose) that I didn't want. Today, at mediation (What a waste) I got accused of trying to get out of paying taxes because I proposed he pay just CS (higher than required, but less than the combined SS/CS he would be required to pay) ... Nice guy!

And tonight -- his night to put the kids to bed -- he said he had to leave; needed to get home -- whether or not they were asleep. And this was only his third night on duty with the kids -- off to a good start, hunh?

Oh we could go on and on -- couldn't we?!

At least your stbx is living next door. Mine decided to live 45 minutes away by subway and not get a car ...

I know, I know ... nothing makes it better -- hugs to ALL of us!

M

[meandmine]

Originally Posted by Purplehaze

Can you bag up his stuff in garbage bags and when he returns your car give it to him????

Can I ask- why did you let him take your car??? I would be worried as mine is as passive agressive as yours sounds, that while he had the car he'd do something or let something happen to it.

Oh yeah, I worry about the car. I figure his parting gift to me will be to total the car and maybe have an accident that involves us getting sued. I don't know when I dare take him off the car insurance and the liability insurance.

For the moment though it was more important for me to see more of his stuff leaving than whether he took my car. Yesterday he got a "flex car" and took more stuff.

Tonight he bailed before he even got the kids to sleep (his night on duty, mind you) ...

I told him I am gonna start packing up the stuff lying around (there is WAAAAY more than I could ever transport without a bunch of strong guys and a truck) and he can get it out or down to the basement (I have agreed to store his **** for up to a year in the basement since I want his apartment to be civilized for my kids who desperately want to spend time there with him).

Bottom line is he is a mess in every way and I can't clean his mess up; I just want it out of my house. Ultimately, I won't be able to shield my little girls from his chaos (financial, environmental and psychological), but at least, hopefully fairly soon, I can get his **** out of my house (which is technically still our house which creates a whole other set of issues).

Thanks for the support and ideas!

M