OK, this is complicated so all you that stay with me on this post - bless you 
Dh and I come from abusive childhoods and because of that we have had very little contact with our families over the years - some individuals more than others. DH's oldest brother has a few children, of which he has never taken care of. His brother's first wife lives by a Marine base and when dh was stationed there he really got to know his niece and her mom. His niece was a little girl, but she loved him to death and he has been the only person on her dad's side of the family to stay in contact with her. DH has stayed in contact with her over the years and she is now 25. When she was 12 she came and spent a month with us over the summer. It was obvious at this time that she seemed depressed. When we went to pick her up it was obvious that they didn't live a very healthy life (in every sense of the word).
Anyway, his niece has never lived on her own. She has always lived with her mother. His niece has 2 children - 3 & 5. A few months back she called dh and asked if she could come stay with us until she gets her own place. She had talked for the last couple years about getting out of her mom's house. DH said yes with great excitement and I said yes with excitement and caution.
DH talked to her before she came about us not approving of spanking and she gave the impression that she also was against it, although it caused me some concern when she said that she, herself, had only been spanked twice and she deserved it both times
OK, so she has now been here for a month and it has been more than challenging. The first week I thought it was possible that dd and I could end up in the crazy house. DH is at work most of the time so I get to be here all day every day.
My niece yells at her children like you wouldn't believe. She is obviously depressed and even admits to it and I guess she has tried anti-depressants before and she got sick from them and so she gave up on them. IMHO she needs therapy, but anyway...
Her children are lovely if you ask me, but to her they do nothing but drive her nuts at every turn. They're not quiet enough, still enough, or anything else. I'm pretty sure that their breathing annoys her.
I am finding out more and more about how she and the kids have been living and how she, herself, grew up. Her mentality is so far from our own that it is taking some time to really get my head wrapped around it. DH grew up like this, but he went to great lengths to change his life and his experiences, etc.
The things that my niece values tell a lot. She buys the cheapest food you can find and she treats it like gold. We are used to buying organic and eating freely. I buy food at the dollar store because dd likes to "cook" and I don't want her using huge amounts of super expensive organic food if the concotion is not meant for human consumption
My niece buys food at the dollar store to eat. She feels that organic food is a waste of money, etc. She brags about some of her very modest belongings and I try to be excited for her. I bought the kids shoes when they first came because the 3 yr old had no shoes and was wearing his sisters flip flops that were 4 inches too big in the back. The 5 yr old girl had that pair of rubber, worn out flip flops, and a beat up pair of super smelly tennis shoes. The examples like this could go on and on.
She started her new job 10 days ago, which has been a blessing to me. I love having the kids here and it's nice to be on my own with them for half of the day. She has always worked minimum wage jobs and doesn't really show any desire to do more than that. I think her only goals in life are to have enough money to pay the bills and buy clothes for the kids. They all have the bare minimum of everything and are very excited about everything they get.
I have taken her to the movies a couple times and we've also gone to the store without the kids on more than a few occasions. She couldn't believe it when I told her that the kids didn't have to come. Apparently the last movie she was at was 6 months before and she took the kids with her. (She takes them to PG-13 and R rated movies with her)
She can't trust her mom to watch her kids because she will go to bed and leave them to take care of themselves. She's used to getting subsidised child care from the state.
When the kids would get done with day care or pre-school they would be babysat by her younger brother who is now 15 and is in a gang
I found out about this a couple weeks after she was here. This is one of the reasons she wanted to leave their small southern town and move here. There was talk of a drive by or of people coming to look for her brother right before she left to come here. This is a serious nation wide gang and not your small town variety.
I feel like I am rambling here, but the whole issue is so complex and I feel like I am just scratching the surface here.
Anyway, we are talking about poverty, poor/little education, etc., etc.
Most of dh's other nieces are living quite hard lives similar to this niece, in most ways. He has a couple nieces and nephews who are having a better upbringing, but the majority are in the same boat.
We distanced ourselves from these situations in the past - we were young, hadn't started our own family and were trying to figure out who we were, even though we knew we didn't want to follow in our parents foot steps.
DD is dealing with this better than I would have ever thought. DD has several disabilities - physical and other. She speaks up to my niece and tells her that she is mean to her kids and that she should treat them better, etc., etc.
To be fair, dh has mentioned things to his niece on more than one occasion and she has expressed to both of us that she is trying to do better with the yelling, etc., even though she jokes about it when she says it. She does the best when dh is home, but she does the worst when she goes down to the basement and is alone with them (that's where they are staying). DH and I step in whenever possible to resolve things and although she has commented that we baby them she hasn't said much else about us stepping in. The kids whine and cry a whole lot. When we intervene the kids stop crying immediately and things go much smoother. We never contradict her and the kids don't get their own way - we just pick them up or hug them and talk to them and show we care that they are upset.
This whole situation is very scary to me. I fear for these children, but the last thing I want to do is distance myself from them like we have done with other family members. I feel like we could have had some sort of impact on these other nieces and nephews lives, but we couldn't deal with it at the time. The one thing that is different here (besides that we're older and smarter) is that we do get along with our niece. She treats her kids like crap, but she gets along with us great and does care, especially, about what dh thinks and how we feel about how kids should be treated, etc.
I think the goal is for them to get their own place, although I question how this will happen IRL given her minimum wage jobs and the cost of living being higher here. DH and I have always wanted more kids and still have not ruled out adopting a child out of foster care - in a way this fills part of that void for us. Also, I worry about the kids not being able to be with us as much. I think dh made it clear to her that she would be welcome to live here if she chose to. She is not very outgoing so you don't always know what is going on in her head, so who knows.
I guess I just don't know what to think about all of this and if we are doing the right thing so far. I think it would kill both dh and I to walk away, or slowly drift away from these kids, and dh cares deeply about his niece and I think he's really sad about how "she's turned out". I think he has great empathy for her though since he grew up in the exact same situation and he knows that he could have been just like that if he hadn't enlisted into the Marines and left the small town where he lived.
When I sat and talked and read books with the 5 yr old girl tonight (after her mom and brother were in bed) I just realized more and more how much these kids have missed out on. They don't own any books and although we went to the library their mom refuses to read to them because all the books are too long she says. They don't eat vegetables, unless you count corn. They ask me questions about what certain foods are and although I don't expect them to know what hummus is or pesto, I do expect that a 5 yr old would have seen celery before or would have tried a raw carrot. My niece was surprised to know that her son (3) would not eat the peeling on an apple. The only fruit I've seen her give to them are flourescent apple sauce (literally. that is not a joke), and fruit cocktail type cups in heavy syrup. They don't drink water, and they rarely drink juice. Kool-Aid is the main staple and soda comes next (although I do not have soda in the house).
There are so many questions the kids have about life and nature and everything else. I want to be there for them. When they ask their mom she says she doesn't know or to leave her alone. Also, they have lived in a small town, in poverty, and their experiences have been very few. They get very little exercise as she doesn't want to take them outside. Since they've been here we have been at the lake, at the park, or something else, almost every day. The kids love it! We make their meals as she rarely cooks and when she does dinner usually consists of something you can microwave and it may not be until late at night.
Taking care of these kids is no burden to us at all - seriously. The bigger issue is just about their mother and our responsibilities to our own dd and to ourselves.
OK, anyone who actually read this whole post has a right to give me any feedback they want
What do you all make of this whole situation???
Dh and I come from abusive childhoods and because of that we have had very little contact with our families over the years - some individuals more than others. DH's oldest brother has a few children, of which he has never taken care of. His brother's first wife lives by a Marine base and when dh was stationed there he really got to know his niece and her mom. His niece was a little girl, but she loved him to death and he has been the only person on her dad's side of the family to stay in contact with her. DH has stayed in contact with her over the years and she is now 25. When she was 12 she came and spent a month with us over the summer. It was obvious at this time that she seemed depressed. When we went to pick her up it was obvious that they didn't live a very healthy life (in every sense of the word).
Anyway, his niece has never lived on her own. She has always lived with her mother. His niece has 2 children - 3 & 5. A few months back she called dh and asked if she could come stay with us until she gets her own place. She had talked for the last couple years about getting out of her mom's house. DH said yes with great excitement and I said yes with excitement and caution.
DH talked to her before she came about us not approving of spanking and she gave the impression that she also was against it, although it caused me some concern when she said that she, herself, had only been spanked twice and she deserved it both times
OK, so she has now been here for a month and it has been more than challenging. The first week I thought it was possible that dd and I could end up in the crazy house. DH is at work most of the time so I get to be here all day every day.
My niece yells at her children like you wouldn't believe. She is obviously depressed and even admits to it and I guess she has tried anti-depressants before and she got sick from them and so she gave up on them. IMHO she needs therapy, but anyway...
Her children are lovely if you ask me, but to her they do nothing but drive her nuts at every turn. They're not quiet enough, still enough, or anything else. I'm pretty sure that their breathing annoys her.
I am finding out more and more about how she and the kids have been living and how she, herself, grew up. Her mentality is so far from our own that it is taking some time to really get my head wrapped around it. DH grew up like this, but he went to great lengths to change his life and his experiences, etc.
The things that my niece values tell a lot. She buys the cheapest food you can find and she treats it like gold. We are used to buying organic and eating freely. I buy food at the dollar store because dd likes to "cook" and I don't want her using huge amounts of super expensive organic food if the concotion is not meant for human consumption
My niece buys food at the dollar store to eat. She feels that organic food is a waste of money, etc. She brags about some of her very modest belongings and I try to be excited for her. I bought the kids shoes when they first came because the 3 yr old had no shoes and was wearing his sisters flip flops that were 4 inches too big in the back. The 5 yr old girl had that pair of rubber, worn out flip flops, and a beat up pair of super smelly tennis shoes. The examples like this could go on and on.
She started her new job 10 days ago, which has been a blessing to me. I love having the kids here and it's nice to be on my own with them for half of the day. She has always worked minimum wage jobs and doesn't really show any desire to do more than that. I think her only goals in life are to have enough money to pay the bills and buy clothes for the kids. They all have the bare minimum of everything and are very excited about everything they get.
I have taken her to the movies a couple times and we've also gone to the store without the kids on more than a few occasions. She couldn't believe it when I told her that the kids didn't have to come. Apparently the last movie she was at was 6 months before and she took the kids with her. (She takes them to PG-13 and R rated movies with her)
She can't trust her mom to watch her kids because she will go to bed and leave them to take care of themselves. She's used to getting subsidised child care from the state.
When the kids would get done with day care or pre-school they would be babysat by her younger brother who is now 15 and is in a gang
I found out about this a couple weeks after she was here. This is one of the reasons she wanted to leave their small southern town and move here. There was talk of a drive by or of people coming to look for her brother right before she left to come here. This is a serious nation wide gang and not your small town variety.
I feel like I am rambling here, but the whole issue is so complex and I feel like I am just scratching the surface here.
Anyway, we are talking about poverty, poor/little education, etc., etc.
Most of dh's other nieces are living quite hard lives similar to this niece, in most ways. He has a couple nieces and nephews who are having a better upbringing, but the majority are in the same boat.
We distanced ourselves from these situations in the past - we were young, hadn't started our own family and were trying to figure out who we were, even though we knew we didn't want to follow in our parents foot steps.
DD is dealing with this better than I would have ever thought. DD has several disabilities - physical and other. She speaks up to my niece and tells her that she is mean to her kids and that she should treat them better, etc., etc.
To be fair, dh has mentioned things to his niece on more than one occasion and she has expressed to both of us that she is trying to do better with the yelling, etc., even though she jokes about it when she says it. She does the best when dh is home, but she does the worst when she goes down to the basement and is alone with them (that's where they are staying). DH and I step in whenever possible to resolve things and although she has commented that we baby them she hasn't said much else about us stepping in. The kids whine and cry a whole lot. When we intervene the kids stop crying immediately and things go much smoother. We never contradict her and the kids don't get their own way - we just pick them up or hug them and talk to them and show we care that they are upset.
This whole situation is very scary to me. I fear for these children, but the last thing I want to do is distance myself from them like we have done with other family members. I feel like we could have had some sort of impact on these other nieces and nephews lives, but we couldn't deal with it at the time. The one thing that is different here (besides that we're older and smarter) is that we do get along with our niece. She treats her kids like crap, but she gets along with us great and does care, especially, about what dh thinks and how we feel about how kids should be treated, etc.
I think the goal is for them to get their own place, although I question how this will happen IRL given her minimum wage jobs and the cost of living being higher here. DH and I have always wanted more kids and still have not ruled out adopting a child out of foster care - in a way this fills part of that void for us. Also, I worry about the kids not being able to be with us as much. I think dh made it clear to her that she would be welcome to live here if she chose to. She is not very outgoing so you don't always know what is going on in her head, so who knows.
I guess I just don't know what to think about all of this and if we are doing the right thing so far. I think it would kill both dh and I to walk away, or slowly drift away from these kids, and dh cares deeply about his niece and I think he's really sad about how "she's turned out". I think he has great empathy for her though since he grew up in the exact same situation and he knows that he could have been just like that if he hadn't enlisted into the Marines and left the small town where he lived.
When I sat and talked and read books with the 5 yr old girl tonight (after her mom and brother were in bed) I just realized more and more how much these kids have missed out on. They don't own any books and although we went to the library their mom refuses to read to them because all the books are too long she says. They don't eat vegetables, unless you count corn. They ask me questions about what certain foods are and although I don't expect them to know what hummus is or pesto, I do expect that a 5 yr old would have seen celery before or would have tried a raw carrot. My niece was surprised to know that her son (3) would not eat the peeling on an apple. The only fruit I've seen her give to them are flourescent apple sauce (literally. that is not a joke), and fruit cocktail type cups in heavy syrup. They don't drink water, and they rarely drink juice. Kool-Aid is the main staple and soda comes next (although I do not have soda in the house).
There are so many questions the kids have about life and nature and everything else. I want to be there for them. When they ask their mom she says she doesn't know or to leave her alone. Also, they have lived in a small town, in poverty, and their experiences have been very few. They get very little exercise as she doesn't want to take them outside. Since they've been here we have been at the lake, at the park, or something else, almost every day. The kids love it! We make their meals as she rarely cooks and when she does dinner usually consists of something you can microwave and it may not be until late at night.
Taking care of these kids is no burden to us at all - seriously. The bigger issue is just about their mother and our responsibilities to our own dd and to ourselves.
OK, anyone who actually read this whole post has a right to give me any feedback they want
What do you all make of this whole situation???
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