How 2 teach 14yr old

[Angee]

My daughter has recently gotten her first bf. And I have asked a few simple things/rules to be followed so far.
One being that she is off the phone at a certain time....as he rings every night and they talk for hours on end. This rule she didnt follow the first night, so I gave her second chance, the next night she followed rule, then following night she didnt and I said I was disappointed that she ONCE AGAIN couldnt follow a simple ask! Anyhow she wrote a dearing letter to me sayin how sorry she was and that she wont do it again. So I gave her another chance and of course she didnt follow it. But this time she had reason 4 it. She said that he rang late and she thought that the rule didnt apply then! Smart hey
Another rule was that she be home at a certain time, which she was late 15min with no phone call or anything... I caught her lying about the whole situation. She told me that the bus never turned up...where in fact she was late and missed it.
Another rule is her bed be made, this I have given her a million chances as I know how hard this rule is.
Anyhow she is now grounded based on not being able to follow these simple rules and 2night she asked to go on net and i said not 2night due to her being grounded etc. but that she was to use the computer 4 her maths tutoring only...well i caught her on the net checking emails and chattin 2 her friends!
How do I get her to understand that by doing this she is making it harder on herself? How do I teach her that honesty is best? Why doesnt she understand that I would let her do so much more if she could show me that she is trustworthy by following these few simple rules.:

[Alkenny]

Out of all of those, I think the only thing I'd be concerned about would be the lying...so many 'rules' and what is the purpose of them?

Bed isn't made...shut the door.
Talking on the phone until late in the night...do you have to keep the line clear or does she have to be up early in the morning for something? That would be my only concern with that, otherwise...eh.

I can understand you wanting her to be honest though, so I do believe that has to be addressed...but reasses why she thinks she has to lie to you about things too.

Only you know what's best for your family, so take what I've said with a grain of salt (coming from a mama with a 14 year old who was on the phone until 4am the other night with her boyfriend!)

[Angee]

She has to be up for school early, therefore I give her until 9.30pm. I know what its like to be teenager and I too used to b on the phone 24/7....and eventually I know she will too. To me, the simple rules show me that she is responsible enough to have bf and that I can trust her, especially if there comes a bigger issue. I know the bed is no big deal....thats y I havnt been so strict on this and given her million of chances and will give her more.
I guess Im pretty lucky and have a dd who doesnt drink, smoke or have sex like the majority of the teenagers in this area.
Maybe Im being too worried and strict?

[moondiapers]

I'd not give her the chance to break the phone rule, at 930 I'd pick up the extension and say "good night boyfriend, you've got 5min to wrap it up"..then in 5min I'd go take the phone.

For the bed, shut the door....

For being late and lying...no more going out for a while unchaperoned.

[terrordactyl]

she sounds like the typical 14 year old have you thought of maybe saying if she can obey your rule of the off the phone by 9:30 you would extend it by 15 or 30 mins

[Angee]

I have picked up the phone n told her to check the time...then she gets off real quick...and always says soooorrrryyyy. I hear Sorry so often that it has no meaning!
Anyhow yesterday I had big talk with her....about why honesty is the best policy....she told me she understood and she will try really hard this week and then asked if she did everything would she b able 2 c her bf? I said I will C....and if I did say Yes then she would have to b home earlier then usual to show me that she is trustworthy with that also.Mmmm.

[Yoshua]

Honest opinion from someone who used to mentor jr high kids and early Highschoolers.




Too many rules... Sorry I know that probably isn't what you wanted to hear.

You said you want to know you can trust her to be responsible correct? Well then in my house unless they are up till midnight on the phone or if there is something specific that everyone needs to go to bed early I wouldn't have a 'nightly' cut off time at 13+. I would let them know that if they don't get up and do what is expected of them the next morning without complaint the entire phone privilage will be revoked for a while and let them self monitor their bed times.

It will take a few trial and errors for them to figure out what time they need to be asleep to be able to function the next day but to me when my kids hit the teenage years it is time they learn to self monitor and know that if something needs a hand with they can come to us for help.


If their phone privilages include long distance then they would be required to pay for the extra billings and whatnot but other than that I don't think I will be monitoring when they go to sleep or get off the computer or turn off the television, so long as they can show me they are capable of still being functional the next day. And if they can't? I am more of an 'all or nothing' kinda guy, they just get the TV/Computer/Phone privilages removed altogether for a while.




As for the lying. In my opinion it is because of the limits placed on her. She knows she needs to have a valid reason for coming home late and if she doesnt have one she will probably be in trouble. When I was 14 I wouldn't get in trouble for coming home late, but then honestly my rules when I was a young teenager were basically non existant as well as consequences. Not because I had a bad mom, but because I was really capable of self monitoring my activities, not get into trouble and still be functional the next day. Even if I didn't get hom till 11pm.



Don't think I will be as lax as my parents, there will be curfews, but so long as they aren't more than an hour late or they don't miss an event such as a planned dinner then I don't think there will be very many consequences.



Up until about 13 kids need to have their life run for them and given options, after about 13 they are about exploration and trying to find their own boundaries.



Just my opinions, take em or leavem.

[momuveight2B]

I am on the opposite side of the spectrum. Third teenage daughter here is 14, her sisters are 17 and 27 and a brother is 15. I haven't changed a thing in all these years and still doing it the old fashioned way like my parents did.

My teens are in bed by nine at the latest. They can read or do other quiet activities. No tvs or computers in their rooms. No dating until 16. If they go out before this age it is only on a supervised youth outing, never alone.

Telephone calls are kept to about thirty minutes out of consideration for the rest of the family and we have call waiting in case someone needs to get through.

If they lie then supervision would be increased. Since they value their freedom this is not something I encounter often.

They have two choices, leave their room clean or I will clean it for them. Nobody wants me to clean their room, ever, they value their privacy so rooms are left clean.

[Mamato3wild ponnie]

The more rules the more reasons to figure out how to get around them...i was the oldest so thus got the brunt of all the rules...my siblings came and went like it was nothing and got away with everything....having trust in her and letting her go....letting her know that she can come to you and tell you anything and everything letting her know that you are always thier to listen and not pass judgement....my mother was very strict on me and i never felt that i could tell her anything...i was afraid that she would ground me or whatever....so i found solace in other people..people who were not ideal and it lead me down the wrong path...be her friend and encourage her to hang out at home..invite her firends to your house and let them chill...eat..watch a movie listen to crazy music...encourage her to feel comfortable being at home....that way she has no reason to lie or hang out too late.