Uprooting kids?

[TranscendentalMom]

We have a really lovely home that we built. Its in a big open pasture with mountain views, our neighborhood is small and safe. We haven't played with the neighbors much yet but everyone we've met is really nice. There are 2 ponds, horses, cows all around, its paradise. Thing is, we've been thinking about moving out west to Oregon in about 2 years. Dh wants to sell his business, we stand to make a lot on this house, and it just seems a good time to make a change. There are a lot of things we don't like about it here - the south in general is not our favorite place, brutal winters where we live (we're totally exposed on a mountaintop), lack of things to do etc. Problem is I feel SO guilty when I think about moving the kids. They love it here and 2 years from now, ds will be in school making friends. Is it fair to uproot him just because of our own desires? I think Oregon is an awesome (maybe better) place to grow up but I never realized what attachments you form to a place when you make a home with kids.

I remember when my family moved (I was 10) to a "nicer" town and house and I was miserable. It was the beginning of some problems for me (maybe that was just the age). Anyway, I enjoyed my simple life in my old house - the creek, my friends etc. So maybe I'm just projecting that onto him? Ds did say that he wanted to move to California when we were there so maybe he's more flexible than I realize. The kids would be 6.5 and 4 when we are shooting to move - good age, bad age?

So in a nutshell, do you think its better for kids to just stay put and bloom where you are planted? Anyone have experience moving kids and was it a good or bad experience?

[kathymuggle]

:

I think if you are going to move 4 and 6.5 is fine.

I am in a similar position - I would like to move for a variety of reasons. However, my children, particularly my oldest, have strong friendships here.

In my case I am lucky - I think I can compromise - we will be moving in about 3 years out of town. We live in a small town, but I crave more privacy and land. I would also like to build my own house, so....

We will move about 5-10 minutes out of town - close enough for friendships, but with the privacy/closer to nature that I want.

Good luck!~

kathy

[maliceinwonderland]

Children will adapt, even though they may not like your choice at first. They'll make new friends, especially since you'd be moving them so young. I had to move a couple of times in my life, far enough that I didn't get to see my old friends anymore and I did just fine. With kids that young if you don't make a great big deal about it, they probably won't either.

[gethane]

I think that's a great time to move.

Move now (or rather in 2 years) and get to where you want to settle. That way you can hopefully avoid uprooting them in pre-teen/teen years. My dh and I have started discussing moving, but my teens have lived here their entire life, and at 13, 14, and 16 are seriously not pleased with the idea. The 14 and 16 year olds have flatly refused to go (I'm divorced, so in reality, they could stay with their father, but I'd really hate to split up my family).

[mightymoo]

I do think that if there is somewhere you want to be, getting there while the children are young is the best move. We moved last year to be near family, we knew we wanted to make the move eventually and it was hard leaving friendships behind (my kids were a bit younger) but it would be so much harder trying to leave them behind many years from now.

[Linda on the move]

We've moved multiple times for my DH's job. We've lived all over the US and in Canada. My kids' roots are in our family -- not in a location.

My kids are strong people who dream about what to do with their lives and places they want to go. Their view of the world is very big. They are completely immune to peer pressure (one of them said "what do I give a crap what someone who may not even be in my life in a year thinks?")

If you stay in one place so they can have friends, some of those friends will move away or grow apart from them. Some of those friends are going to do drugs and and have sex young and your DC will need to make new friends -- even if you stay in the same place. If you raise your kids to believe that they should never go anywhere or do anything because it might mean meeting new people, how will that serve them for following their own dreams?

We homeschool so my kids haven't be in and out of different schools, and they can decide at what pace in a new city they want to get out and meet people and make friends.

My oldest was 10 at our last move and is planning on going to Italy for a study abroad program once she is in college. She told me that she is sure that she can do anything. Living your life with passion and purpose and without fear teaches your kids to do the same thing.

[TranscendentalMom]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

If you stay in one place so they can have friends, some of those friends will move away or grow apart from them. Some of those friends are going to do drugs and and have sex young and your DC will need to make new friends -- even if you stay in the same place. If you raise your kids to believe that they should never go anywhere or do anything because it might mean meeting new people, how will that serve them for following their own dreams?

This point hits a nerve and thank you. We've already had several friends move and have had to replace those friendships and the same can and will happen in the future. And also, one of our issues here is that some of the people whose kids my son is close with (and will be in school with) have parents who smoke a lot of pot. Of course it doesn't affect things now as they don't do it around my kids, but I do wonder about the influence of that
in the future.

Thanks for the input. I think we will move forward with it. We've visited a lot of places and my son calls some of those places "my other home where ___ lives" I think he'd adapt fine if its what we want. But I do wish we had thought out where we were going to be when we got pregnant so we didn't have to worry about it. It feels sad/bittersweet to leave the people who your kids have played with since they were babies.

[marybethorama]

I think it's a good age to move.

IME that was a time of transition. We do have some friends that we've known from the kids' early ages but in many cases their friends from playgroup etc. went to different schools so they were in different groups.

We didn't move but we did go away for a sabbatical and though we came back to our home the kids would have been okay if we had stayed at the other place.

[CallMeKelly]

I moved a lot growing up and I don't resent it. Pro's and cons to everything

[DBassett]

I'm going ot be the oddball. I moved ALOT growing up and I DO resent it. It's caused me to have issues making friends and getting close to people. It seemed like everytime we'd move and I made new friends, we moved again. I have some issues because of the moving. I don't want to move alot which is why were planning for the furture along with planning to move. Everything that we want for our children and furture children must be in the area that we're planning to move bc I don't want to move again.

I do think though that at your children's age it's a good time to move- I just disagree with the "children adapt" thing because that's not always the case. If you move MULTIPLE times, it can screw a child up but if you're not planning on moving alot then yes, your kids will adapt and make new friends

[gethane]

I don't think you're an oddball. I do agree with what you've said. My parents moved me between K and 1, and that was no trouble, but the I moved again at the beginning of 6th grade and that was very difficult. I didn't have any strong friendships to go through puberty together.

Which is why I got "settled" when my first three were young and they've lived almost their whole lives in this house and I'm so reluctant to move them now as teens. I'd rather wait until they were through H.S. or let them stay with their dad or other relatives. My younger ones will still be young enough to move at that point.

[momto l&a]

We uprooted our kids at the time ages 2-6. They aren't happy, but then neither are we. So I am sure that doesn't help them in adjusting.

We left the life we love plus all our friends. My kids adore my friends which makes it hard on all of us.

If we would have moved to place we really love I think it would have helped, but when a person doesn't have all the stuff they love around them its hard.

You ask my kids what they miss theyll tell you going for walks out in the woods, farm fresh milk, our friends, our house with its huge green yard, pond ect.

We are renting which is also hard on us as we cant decorate to make us feel more at home.

Can you tell we are planning on moving back?

The only reason we moved was for dh's job, better pay, insurance and work environment.

There are some places I would love to live and they are far from where i have lived all my life. But we just went back and visted all our friends and realized we need to move back. Friends are so very important.

[Terabith]

I think it sounds wonderful for you guys. What a great house and a wonderful opportunity! I really think that even for the most slow to adjust kids (of which I was one), moving before age 10 or so is not a big deal. Moving after age 12 or so is tough for many kids and I would prefer not to uproot my kids during their teen years, but many kids do great even then. I wouldn't even think twice about it; you are the parents and it sounds like a great opportunity for the whole family.

[Embee]

We recently moved: big change from small ruralish town to the city. DS is 6.5. It has gone (for all practical purposes) very well. There has been some transitioning of course, but overall things have been gone quite smoothly. I was actually pretty darned impressed by just how up for the adventure DS was, despite the fact that he knew he'd miss his "hometown."

The one thing we have done with DS is to allow him to talk openly and honestly about the move and his feelings about it. As it turns out, we all had mixed feelings, but the bottom line was that in keeping with our priorities in life, the move made sense. It was a difficult, but a mature decision.

DS talks about the old house as being his favorite. We all talk of things we miss about the old place. We also talk about our lovely new home and how much we like our new neighborhood and seeing family more, etc. No move is easy, no matter what the circumstances, but I kept in mind what Naomi Aldort says, "Children can handle just about any trauma/change/upset/etc if they are allowed to express their feelings about it.

Although we talked excitedly about our move when appropriate, we were careful not to negate DS's feelings. If he was expressing sadness, we didn't use that particular moment to say, "but the new house/town will be so great!" but instead said, "It's scary/sad to leave your home and make a new home." We validated his feelings when he needed us to and when he was feeling good and excited, we used that time to all talk of the changes were were happy and excited about. KWIM? We didn't feel a need to change the way he felt, however, were more concerned in giving him the time and support needed to adapt to the new reality.

All in all, the move has been lovely. There are things we miss and our old house remains "DS's favorite" but he's also on the whole been doing pretty darned well, and playing well which is always a good barometer. DS is shy and we homeschool, so we are working on social time and relations thereof, but I'm careful not to seek it too intensely, and let it take a more natural course. In the meantime, DS and I play a lot together and I feel this is a good time to do so... ala, "Playful Parenting." It's gone well, but there have been "moments" where it's clear he needs me to focus and allow him to work things through and having as much time together as I can muster can make this possible and allows for much healing and growing.

My .02 for what it's worth. The best to you, mama.

Em

[Mary]

I think those ages are good for moving, so if you are going to do it, do it then. We moved (from WA to CO) when my kids were 5.5 and 3 and while they were sad to leave their home and friends, they didn't really look back. It's been almost a year and they love it here and WA is just a distant memory.

I had the hardest time leaving and I didn't even love where we lived. My best friend and I cried and cried and then laughed at each other! I drove from WA to CO boohoo-ing, my kids thought mommy lost it! I'm happy here though- and just talked to her the other day.

[velochic]

We uprooted and moved to Germany. Uprooted and moved back. I think younger kids tend to be very flexible about things like this, but every child is different and only you can know them well enough to predict if they will weather this.

Ultimately, if you are unhappy and isolated in your present location and you have this dream, the kids will feel that. A happy family is more important that where you live, imho.