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Your opinion please - Page 2

Poll Results: Which is better in your opinion?

 
  • 64% (54)
    Be a young mom, have a career later
  • 35% (30)
    Career first, be a mom later
84 Total Votes  
post #21 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1babysmom View Post
Personally, I think babies NEED to be born into stable 2-parent (for *me* that also means man and woman) families, and so that would be a "prereq" for *me*, too.
Of course we all should do what feels right for us and what we deem best for our child, but for the record, some of the best kids I know were raised in stable two mother families. A man is definitely NOT required.
post #22 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen View Post
Of course we all should do what feels right for us and what we deem best for our child, but for the record, some of the best kids I know were raised in stable two mother families. A man is definitely NOT required.
That's not what I believe...which is precisely why I was saying for "me." All I was trying to do was show support for you when you said "I didn't meet the right man till I was 36. I'd much rather face a fertility challenge than trying to raise a child with the wrong man or alone."
post #23 of 41
I feel going to college and starting a career should be done first. That way, after you have kids, you will have a way to support them if something happens to your partner (death/disability/divorce). You also don't have to worry about studying and going to class when you have a little one(s) then. It worked out well for me this way. I had my first at 27 and will deliver my second at 29.

Many finish college at 22-23 years old, and then you can work a couple of years and still be fairly young to have kids. (25-26? thats still young, right?) Having a career doesn't mean you have to wait until 35+ to have kids. (unless, of course, you have fertility problems)

My mother had kids before a career. She was always busy studying when we were little. Then, she was so focused on her career and getting it started that we didn't see much of her. I didn't want to do that to my kids.

Now, if I had reason to believe my fertility was going to be compromised, I would have chosen children when I was younger. Better young and unprepared than never, even if it isn't an ideal situation.
post #24 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1babysmom View Post
That's not what I believe...which is precisely why I was saying for "me."
Yeah, I agree that we all have to do what is best, but I just can't let a homophobic notion like that slide without clarifying my opinion.

You might want to just take a second to consider something: What if one of your children grows up to discover he or she is gay. It would be tragic if somehow s/he'd gotten the idea that s/he's not perfect, and perfectly able to parent. Just give the mindset some thought.
post #25 of 41
I voted for be a young mom because you just can't take fertility for granted. Also, you never know what interests you'll develop after becoming a mom. It changes you and you could end up not liking your career after having children. But, a stable home-life is also important for children, so assuming that's in place, having them young is a good thing IMO.

Lisa
post #26 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen View Post
Yeah, I agree that we all have to do what is best, but I just can't let a homophobic notion like that slide without clarifying my opinion.

You might want to just take a second to consider something: What if one of your children grows up to discover he or she is gay. It would be tragic if somehow s/he'd gotten the idea that s/he's not perfect, and perfectly able to parent. Just give the mindset some thought.
You don't need to do any "name calling." Just because of my beliefs regarding family doesn't make me a "homophobe." I'm sort of regretting that I made an effort to show support of your decision...I didn't come here to argue my beliefs vs. someone else's. I never said mine were right and someone else's were wrong. Let's discontinue this discussion...it's not helping the OP out at all.
post #27 of 41
I couldn't really answer the poll. What exactly is young? I still get occassional comments on how young I am to have two children. Maybe I just don't look 32. I had my first at 27 and my second at 30. I went to college, travelled across the country, lived in a new place and then travelled around Western Europe before settling back down in my hometown. I'm certainly glad I did those things. I don't know when I'll be able to start travelling again and it will certainly be different with children. I didn't consider myself old to be having children when I did and I also didn't start a career first. My situation is ideal for me, but I can see how different choices work better for different people.
post #28 of 41
I don't think in life things are ever this black or white. For e.g., I wish I could have started having children sooner, I always knew that motherhood was for me, but I didn't meet my life partner until I was 30... Then we both went to business school, he started a business while I had to support us both, and then when we started trying it took a while (and FTR, I didn't think I was all that old at 32) we had a couple of m/c's. So here I am at 37, with one child, and just got my first PPAF b/c DD continues to nurse at least 5 times in a 24 hour period, and I feel time is running out on me (I'd like 3 children, ideally). But it was not really a "career or kids" first decision, it was life.
post #29 of 41
I think it depends.

If one's life is already working out well at a young age--a decent flexible career, and/or a very reliable DP, and generally a stable life, I think it's great to have kids early. It's the choice that's the most compatible with our biological nature after all. At a younger age you're still a little bit closer to childhood, still have the youthful advantage with health, etc.

OTOH there are benefits to waiting as well, especially if life hasn't settled down yet--it gives you more time to figure things out and start to build that good foundation for life, things that can be done with kids, but it's a little more challenging. Also you can get a little extra maturity in, which matters more for some people than others

Personally I'd generally like to have kids ASAP, but I'm waiting while DH and I get some stuff figured out.
post #30 of 41
For me, I wanted to have all my kids early. I had my son when I was in 11th grade. I would have loved to have been TTCing when I graduated HS(or shortly thereafter), then TTC 2-3 years after that baby was born. I had wanted to be finished having babies by the time I was 23, 24 or so.

Well, DS is an only child, I'm in my mid 20s, and not even close to being in a relationship with ANYONE, let alone someone I'd like to procreate with. Crap happens. Sure isn't the way I'd have wanted it.


And no, to me, 25, 26, etc is not a young mother. (not old either, just not young).

I'm seriously considering making a withdrawl at a sperm bank if I have no serious prospects within the next 18-24mos.
post #31 of 41
my choice is not one in your poll--but I don't plan on ever having a "career". I will be homeschooling our children.
post #32 of 41
Just to add some food for thought: in the Netherlands (where I live as a transplanted American) a young mother is one who has her first baby at 30. Most women here wait until their 30s to start having children, and everything between 30 and 40 is a "normal" age to have kids. And over 40 is not seen as particularly "old".

The concept of job-sharing and part-time work is much stronger here, too. As a result, most women work full-time for several years before having kids. Many of them then continue to work part-time (but many also stay at home). So the career-vs-kids issue is not *as* black and white here.
post #33 of 41
I didn't vote because I can't make that generalization. My parents startef their family young, and they had their kids out of the house and their mortgage paid off and having tons of fun themselves in their mid-40s. Mom just turned 50 and has 2 grandchildren and is so happy.

But I had my daughter at 30, after establishing my career and having fun with my dh and creating the home that we want to raise our family in. That is what works for us. There are pros and cons to both situations.
post #34 of 41
First off, to each his own.

Here was one of my biggest reasons. I felt if I had kids young and SLOWLY continued my education throughout.. it would be better for my family. I want to have all my stuff taken care of and "retired" at a much younger age because I want to be young and energetic and a very active part in the lives of my grandchildren. I didn't get that with my grandmother because she was so old, and I honestly felt sad for it.

Plus, I didn't want to run the risk of NOT being able to get pregnant, and I feel I'm a more confident, educated, improved career person SINCE having kids. I can stand up for what I know is right and work to the point of exhaustion. I also understand things about others and life that never occurred to me before.
post #35 of 41
Well I can't vote because I think it's so different for everyone. But for myself, I had kids at 16, 24, 31 & now I'm pregnant at 33 so I've pretty much always had kids. My dream was always to be a mom, never to "have a career". My "career plan" from here on out is to homeschool my kids & take care of my home.
post #36 of 41
career/education/life experiences first, kids second. Like a PP said, things don't irritate an older, wiser, more patient mommy as much.

In my case, I skipped the career and education, and just spent a lot of years gaining life expereinces and growing as a person before I had my babies.
post #37 of 41
It's a tossup- depends on each individual situation- but I have to say I'm leaning towards "be a young mom, have a career later" because I've known too many people who went for the career and later when they wanted to get pregnant, had a hard time because of their age. I had my son when I was 18 and I've always wanted more children. Now, at 31, I'm being told that I most likely will not be able to have another child (long story, in short, my body seems to think it's 35-40). My lifelong dream was to be a Mommy, since I was old enough to talk. If I had not had my son when I did, if I had gone straight to college and then gotten a job like I'd planned, I would never have been a Mommy.
post #38 of 41
Thread Starter 
Very interesting reading everyones replies and opinions.
post #39 of 41
I also chose the one that corelated to my personal experience. I wasn't ready to have kids at a young age. I wanted to live my life to the fullest without being tied down. I went to school, got the degree (because it's easier and faster to go to college when you're right out of high school and don't have children), and got a good job. I can say that I've been there. I plan to be a SAHM when we have our first. And I think the skills and knowledge I gained in school and the work place and the maturity level I've been able to grow into will certainly help me mange and navigate motherhood to the best of my ability. I also won't feel like I'm missing out on my career because I've been there, done that. Again this is just my personal opinion from my own personal experience.
post #40 of 41
Like several PPs say, I don't think it's possible to say what's "better" on a grand scale. There are reasons for making either choice--life often just "happens".

I wouldn't have minded having children in my 20s--in fact, I probably would have, had I met someone who would have been a suitable partner. (I didn't want to--and still don't want to--raise children alone--but admire those who do.)

But I went through a series of major personal transformations in my beliefs, actions, and activities in my mid- to late-20s, which included major dietary changes, a discovery of the wonders of exercise, an abundance of international travel, and learning about a lot of ideas I had never encountered before.

Could I have done all this with children? I suppose yes, I could have. But it probably would have been much more complicated, and maybe my attentions would have been focused elsewhere and I wouldn't have even thought to make the changes. Does it really matter? It only does to me now--it wouldn't if it hadn't happened.
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