*Pregnant after a loss (PAL) July thread* - Page 3

[salt_phoenix]

I have not connected this time around AT ALL... no dreams, no visions, no "feelings"... nothing... I've argued with myself for WEEKS about whether there was a viable pg in there at all until today when I saw it for myself on the u/s.
Maybe I'm just trying not to be let down again?
I had a dream that my best friend was pg. and we were all very very happy... but for some reason, I haven't "allowed" myself to dream about ME.
I'm hoping that in the next short while I will start letting it sink in and get excited... I've sure been sick, I might as well be sick AND elated, right? ;-)

[JasonsMom]

Jumping in to join the group too. to all that are here. I'm glad this thread has been started; thanks Jill!
I still find I'm in shock over this pregnancy. Due to fertility issues, no one thought we'd even have one child!
I'm trying to take it a day at a time, but it's hard. It's even harder in that I can't share my thoughts and worries with anyone IRL for awhile yet, mostly out of wanting to protect my ds from finding out. (We made the mistake of telling him of my previous pg. that I m/c'd, and he took it very hard.) So I'm very thankful for this board, and to read/share with others going through the same thing.
With ds, I didn't seem to worry or feel anything 'bad' was going to happen. But now, after going through the m/c, I know it can, and so I'm constantly worrying about the stabs of pain, etc. and checking for spotting. Ds was also born with severe bilateral clubfoot, so that is another issue of concern. I so don't want to spend this pg. all worried and anxious. I'm hoping once I get past the 3 mth. mark, that things will be better.

[ChildoftheMoon]

Hugs to all of you mamas. It is such a hard thing to battle the fear.
This Baby (#5) will actually be my second baby after a loss. My third daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks. She would be turning three years old tomorrow.
I come and go with the worry. I just have to think positive and not think of all the worrisome possibilities, or I will be insane for the next 8 months.
Lots of blessings and growing healthy thoughts to all our babes!
~Brandi

[a-sorta-fairytale]

Hi to all the new mamas

I got a us yest. showed a sac measuring perfectly - my prog is up with the prometrium. I am exhausted, nauseas and happy as a clam

[gretasmommy]

Yay, ASF. So far, all is well it seems.

Welcome to the newer mamas. I have been away since the weekend, enjoying a few nice beach days which has helped pass the time for me. I had an u/s last Thursday at 4W6D (or 5 W, depending on how you count the LMP that began overnight on the 7th into the 8th of June!!!), and that showed a perfectly formed, appropriately sized sac witha large corpus luteum cyst and a nice placenta forming. My HCG last Wed was 4704 (up from 127 the previous Wed. very nice). I had another level drawn today, and it was 28,245. Now, I know that sounds good, but the game I play every week in my own head is the "let's figure out what the HCG will be if it doubles every 2 days" game . .. and that's not exactly doubling. I know that there is a point that it stops doubling, and now I am 5W5D (or 6 D). I am trying not to worry. It's still wonderfully within the range of expected, and last fall, at 6W4D it was 18,600 . . . and I am wayyyyyyy ahead of that . . .. right?

Fortunately I have my first meeting with the high risk OB group tomorrow afternoon, including an u/s. Hopefully we will see a little bean. And would it be too much to ask to see a little flutter of a heartbeat? Not too much, I think. So, I am going to knit all night long, waiting until my mid afternoon appointment!!!!! Aggghhhhhhhhh!

So, for now, I inject every morning and take a million pills daily . . and pray for the best.

[jillybeans]

Great news a-sorta!

brandi, my thoughts are with you tomorrow.

andrea it seems that things are going well with you this time. :

I'm having a very up and down sorta day. My head keeps going forward to the u/s...and I keep imagining that there will be no hb. I guess it's that leftover trauma from not seeing Riley move, and not seeing his heart beating for a third time. It was only in May, so it hasn't been that long, but I'm still petrified that this is all in my head.

[Charmie981]

I'm having a kind of down day too. I keep looking at the "HCG levels" thread and compared to everyone else, my numbers are SO low. That happened last time and I miscarried, but last time they were low and staying low. This time they doubled, and have clearly been increasing. I even threw up yesterday . But I still feel like something has to be wrong b/c the numbers are so low.

And I keep thinking of that upcoming sonogram, and how upsetting it will be to have spent a ton of money we don't have on prometrium only to see that it was never a viable pregnancy anyway. :

Negativity, I know .

[Romana]

I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I got my numbers yesterday. At 5w5d (or 5w6d, depending on who you believe), hcg was 13,100 and progesterone was 20. The progesterone worries me a little, but I know 20 is a viable number so I hope it increases. Last pregnancy (that was a keeper ) my progesterone dropped at just prior to 6wks from 24 to 16 and that's when I started supplementing. This time, supplements started right from 4w1d.

I'm not getting an early u/s. I know it would be reassuring, but it would also be a lot of pressure. I'm just trying to take it day by day and hope for the best. I also have had some m/s the past couple mornings, which is the same as the keeper pregnancy and I'm taking it as a good sign.

everyone. Hang in there!

Julia
dd 1

[1Plus2]

Originally Posted by jillybeans

I'm having a very up and down sorta day. My head keeps going forward to the u/s...and I keep imagining that there will be no hb. I guess it's that leftover trauma from not seeing Riley move, and not seeing his heart beating for a third time. It was only in May, so it hasn't been that long, but I'm still petrified that this is all in my head.

That is a hard thing to get out of your head. I can still remember the ultrasound tech saying "Karen, I'm so sorry" when she couldn't find the hb. It echoes in my head.

[mommycakes]

Anxiety...

Greetings. I'm poking my head in here b/c I took a test over an hour ago (it was a crummy, cheapo test that sort of fell apart as I was trying to put the cap back on) and saw two lines. I didn't get to stand there for the full 5 minutes to see if the lines showed up within that time-frame (3 yo pounding on the door), so I do need to test again. If I'm am pregnant, my edd will be 3/25.

I'm just freaking out. I m/c'd @5 weeks last month and was trying to give my body a 1mo rest (so much for that). I really want another babe--more than anything, but it's scary now. I don't want to feel that loss and grief again. I just want to be able to trust my body and to trust the process. I keep picturing my belly growing and then holding that sweet baby in late March.

I'm thinking that I should ask for a blood test tomorrow and to see if they'll check my prog. levels. That would be good, right? Then I'd need to know if it's a progesterone issue.

Oh, I almost feel like I don't want to test again. I feel like it's easier not to know.

Congrats to all of you who are pregnant after a loss. I'll keep you in my prayers. Wishing a HH9 mos. for all of you.

[crazydiamond]

Can I join you ladies?

I had a miscarriage last August. I was only 6 weeks along but it was still so very heartbreaking for me. I was being monitored and my HCG levels didn't go up much, then when the bleeding started my levels just kept dropping and dropping. After a few weeks they were down to 0.

This time, I'm pretty scare it'll happen again. But since my m/c happened after having DD, I still hold out hope.

But the thing is, I'm the exact opposite how I was with my DD. With her, I called my OB right away and scheduled an appt and was so eager to go in. But this time, I don't have that excitement. I have no desire to see an OB, I don't want monitoring, I don't want an ultrasound, I don't want anything. I just want to "be", ya know? I know whatever will happen, will happen, and I'd rather things just play out how they may.

I realize I'm pregnant, but I'm still kinda in denial about it. I guess I just expect this pg to end also. So why get invested in it, ya know? It doesn't help that I don't have any pg signs (but I never did with my DD either). As much as nausea sucks, it would make me feel better thatn something is indeed going on in there.

[mommycakes]

Oh, crazydiamond, I know where you're coming from.

((hugs))

[jillybeans]

leila. It's so normal to expect the worse. Our way of protecting ourselves, you know?

[crazydiamond]

Thanks so much, mommycakes and Jill. This thread is great, I really need the support. We'll get through this together, won't we?

[lawyermom]

Brandi, I'm thinking of you today. I find my son's birthdays so hard (he would have been five this past April).

It's strange reading all the posts about HCG and ultrasounds so early on - that's not really done (up here in Canada) - my midwives won't even see my until week 10 (two more weeks to go!) I don't know if I'd rather have all the information - which might make me nuts - or just be waiting and seeing like I am now. I spotted a bit yesterday - brown spotting - just a tiny amount. It made me so scared. My friend told me it's normal in week 8 (around when you'd get your period). Still, it's hard not to worry about every little twinge.

Hugs to all of you and hoping the next few weeks fly by so we can exhale!

[ChildoftheMoon]

Thank you for remembering my little girl
We are having a peaceful family day today.

Happy 3rd Birthday my dear Galadriel Marie
Loving you and missing you.

*************************

I won't be doing any early testing either, I feel it is more stressful for me.
I really don't even want to see my midwife until I can hear a heartbeat with the doppler. A few more weeks to get through until then. Just taking it one day at a time. I am so exhausted so that takes care of being able to dwell and stress, too busy taking care of kids and being tired! I am stubbornly optimistic though, it is my way of survival.

Today is a hard day, but I feel my little girl's presence close.
Love, Brandi

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

Mind if I jump in?

I had a loss at 4w4d in December, and a 2nd at 7w in May. Got my first real BFP today, and it's so faint that I'd almost think it's an evap. Only it's pink. And showed up right away (pre-control line).

I'm scared out of my mind, and I can't think of anything else. I don't feel pregnant. I don't believe I am pregnant. My experience of pregnancy is that I feel like poop for a week or 3, and then start bleeding. At least my m/c are painless and not very heavy (but complete. Despite 2 pregnancies, a total of 8 BFPs, I've never once gotten a positive beta).

So, I'm scared and cautious and not telling anyone except my doc, my husband, my midwife, and MAYBE my best friend as she could get married in India at just about any time.

I hope this one sticks around.

[Romana]

Brandi

Galadriel Marie

Julia

[jillybeans]

glad to see you here ashley. things will be ok.

[Charmie981]

Hugs to you Ashley. Are you going to get a beta and ask about your progesterone levels? Many older-school docs don't check progesterone, but I have to say that even if its just a placebo effect, taking progesterone this time has really helped me feel a little better about my pregnancy. Yes, the doubts are still there, but I feel like I'm DOING something.

Brandi, I can't imagine the pain of the beginning of life being the end . I know what it's like to lose a loved one and I imagine losing a child is that pain multiplied exponentially. I hope you and your family had a great peaceful family day today.

Welcome CrazyDiamond and MommyCakes. I'm sorry you ladies are here in a way, but I can't help but think how wonderful it will be in March when we all get to post our birth announcements!! All the positive and negative emotions we've had in the beginning of our pregnancies will be long gone the first time we look into babe's eyes. I hoping we all get to share those moments with each other!