*Pregnant after a loss (PAL) July thread* - Page 5

[famille_huggins]

Originally Posted by ~Katrinka~

Is "sadhappyguiltyhappyscaredhappy" a word?
I haven't called for an appt yet. I am so freaking scared of the doppler and the u/s now. My midwife tried 2 times in one day to hear Eleanor's heartbeat, and then we had an u/s to confirm. I can't get the picture of her little arms and legs just floating there, perfectly still, out of my head. And the big quiet space where her beating heart should have been.

I cannot imagine what that must have been like to see your baby that way. I have a friend whose baby died in January at 22w due to a cord accident, and that is the image burned in her mind as well. I hope that you're able to find moments of peace and joy in this pregnancy, realizing that loving it and celebrating it doesn't negate your feelings for Eleanor or that pregnancy.

[jillybeans]

Katherine: I could not imagine the pain of losing a baby half way through. It was awful enough to see my little Riley just floating there. I'm so sorry mama.

asf: HOORAY for a hb! I'm so incredibly jealous. Four more days....

andrea: It's so hard sometimes. I too have had two recent losses, the last one only in May, at 11. 5 weeks and it is still so hard to not compare. I can't even begin to go in the other PAL thread...a whole lot of those mamas are due in November, when Riley was due.

I'm really glad that we have each other to get through this bittersweet time with.

[sarahtar]

Originally Posted by alisaparrent

now that I'm pregnant I just don't want to. Anyone else feel this way? Maybe out of fear?

You know, with my first PG, i had not intended to do an u/s at all, then I started bleeding and freaked out, and we decided to get an u/s for reassurance. And it was very reassuring. We saw the little baby, the little tiny heartbeat was detected, the HcG levels were going up, it was VERY reassuring and I was able to relax and not be so stressed out. i think it was a healthy decision.

Second PG, I had decided not to have an u/s no matter what. Then I started bleeding. Heavily. Our midwife mentioned we could have an u/s if we wanted, but that all it would do is make us feel better, it wouldn't provide any actual benefit. I decided I needed to feel better, but the u/s was inconclusive, and all it did was make me MORE stressed out for two or three days until I actually passed the baby.

So this PG, we have been very firm that, no matter what, no tests. Because the fact is - the tests don't change anything. We have come to terms with the fact that there is NOTHING we can do, it is out of our hands. We are placing reliance on God for comfort and peace, regardless of what happens, and trying to turn the worry over to Him.

In the meantime, I'm also running to the bathroom every hour or so to check my undies for blood.

jillybeans - I totally understand your inability to go into the other thread. I have two friends - one close, one not so close - who are BOTH due within a week of when I was due with the one I lost. It's hard not to think about what could have been when I'm with them. The one I'm close to knows about the loss, and she's very kind and doesn't dwell on discussions of her pregnancy when she senses it's bothering me.

[gretasmommy]

I can so understand that feeling of not being able to look at folks (even online "looking") due around that time. There are a couple of mamas from my second DDC (due in October) on the other PALS thread . .. and it is hard.

so far, not too hard, and they don't seem to post often.

You know, this whole thing is just hard. And I think whatever makes it easier for each of us is exactly what we should do. For me, early ultrasound to see the HB and earlier serial HCG's worked . . . . i can easily see why one wouldn't choose to do these . . .

I am feeling a little torn, unable to easily take a stand tonight - can you tell?! I think it's the lack of good sleep! See you all tomorrow!

[jillybeans]

Thanks guys.

I'm with you greta...after losing three babies out of three pregnancies(thank God dd was a twin) I have no shame about doing multiple u/s in the first trimester. I've seen hbs and had the babes still die, so I just...need it.

[sarahtar]

Originally Posted by gretasmommy

.

I am feeling a little torn, unable to easily take a stand tonight - can you tell?! I think it's the lack of good sleep! See you all tomorrow!

No, I read somewhere when I was pregnant with DS that pregnant women, because of the hormones, tend to have a difficult time making decisions. It was in an actual book, not online somewhere, but I just can't remember where...

[alisaparrent]

Wow, lots of activity since I last posted~ So sorry to hear about the losses, it's wonderful to share and come together as women supporting each other!

Just wanted to share my excitement......we had our first U/S today 8w4d and saw my little bean's heartbeat right away!!! Measured perfectly and the tech said this pregnancy is "Golden", a word that will stick with me forever! I feel soooooooooo much better that I decided to get an early US. I was debating it, but now know I made the right decision~

Take care everyone, Hugs to all~
Alisa

[jillybeans]

yay alisa! I had an early one this morning, moved up from monday due to some things that reminded me of the last m/c...and everything is perfect so far!
hb 124, baby right on for age, etc. Now to make it to the next milestone... My next u/s is at 10 weeks.

eta: I've been having dreams about guys from my past wanting to get me pregnant. It dawned on me the other day that it's probably because part of me thinks I can't carry dh's children anymore. Damn my body for not keeping them!

[~Katrinka~]

Thanks for the lovely welcome, Amanda and Jill. Amanda, we lost our babies the same week...and I can't imagine how hard it was for you, either.
BTW, I completely understood when you posted about no one wanting to post after you, like your losses were contagious. I went back to work 4 weeks after I lost my baby, and I was shocked by how people pretended I was never pregnant -- couldn't even manage to say "I'm sorry", just acted like I had been out on vacation or something. They totally avoided talking to me, or asking me how I was, and I kept telling my DH that I felt like I had "dead baby cooties" and no one wanted to catch them. People respond strangely to death in general, and pregnancy and infant losses seem to magnify the strangeness of people's reactions.

Congrats to everyone who saw a happy little beating heart this week. What a wonderful sight.

I am going to the beach for a week. I am up to my eyeballs in packing and my little guy is sick and was throwing up all day. Ack! Hopefully he'll be well enough for us to leave tomorrow morning.

Everyone have a good week growing those little babies!

[famille_huggins]

Originally Posted by ~Katrinka~

BTW, I completely understood when you posted about no one wanting to post after you, like your losses were contagious. I went back to work 4 weeks after I lost my baby, and I was shocked by how people pretended I was never pregnant -- couldn't even manage to say "I'm sorry", just acted like I had been out on vacation or something. They totally avoided talking to me, or asking me how I was, and I kept telling my DH that I felt like I had "dead baby cooties" and no one wanted to catch them. People respond strangely to death in general, and pregnancy and infant losses seem to magnify the strangeness of people's reactions.

How terrible that must have been.

We've been experiencing that some at church. Everyone around us has suddenly become pregnant and they were all talking to me about their pregnancies or asking my advice without even considering that I'm XX hours and XX minutes since my baby died in my arms. I'm sure they were just trying to move forward and to make me not feel uncomfortable or weird with them, but their trying to not be weird made me feel even more weird. At this point, we've now changed from the Sunday morning church service to the Saturday night church service, and that seems to have helped. People still know us, but we are a little more anonymous, and I feel less like I wear the dead babies banner there. If we weren't involved in leadership, we would just change churches altogether.

Part of the reason that we're hoping to not even share our current good news is so the weirdness doesn't intensify with people voicing their opinions on why they think it may not be a good idea for us to be pregnant again. I just don't feel like explaining my newly enhanced anatomy to everyone who may develop an opinion...

I don't mind talking about it to others who have experienced loss -- I have three dear IRL friends who already know about this pregnancy because we've walked through losses with each other at various stages, and they with me all three times. They don't judge me for this intense desire to grow my family, but have loved me in my losses and have supported me in having myself altered to prevent future ones. It's just that there are so many people out there who have no idea what having a loss is like, and being left with the wanting. They just have all the babies they want and they decide when they're done. These are the people whose judgemental opinions I just could not tolerate right now.

I wonder if you feel this way (or if it's just me), but does it just make you furious to be starting over, when we should be bringing babies home in a few days? I'm having a difficult time just being happy, and not being just livid in a throwing-things-sort-of-way. I've known about this pregnancy for less than a week, and already it been one of the longest weeks of my life.

[gretasmommy]

Thanks, Sarah. You are probably right - I should blame my lack of decision-making capacity on hormones. Why not- they are responsible for everything else I am feeling these days!

Alisa- Horray!!!!! Wonderful sound and sight, those fabulous little heartbeats are!!!!!!

Amanda- I have already passed my first missed due date, and that was absolutely awful. It really is hard to think about anything else other than "where we should be" in our past pregnancy(ies) sometimes. I am trying to focus on the joys of this pregnancy, day by day, and that is helping.

I think it is just too difficult for those who have not experienced the loss of a pregnancy/baby to really understand what we have been through. In their awkwardness to not make us feel badly or remind us of our loss, they too often just move on and ignore it. Thinking that might help us to forget for a while. They have no idea that we never forget - not even for a second. But how could they understand????

[alisaparrent]

jillybeans- That's great to know that everything is on track......it helps feel a little better, but I know it's still hard.

I think people in general don't know what to say when someone has died. Most people have a hard time believing that you've bonded with a baby, since they are soo new. But, I truly feel that until you've experienced it for yourself, you may never know what it's like. I know that's how I was......I had many close friends MC and always felt sad for them, but chose not to say anything out of fear. After I MC, I called all of them up and apologized for my lack of understanding. I UNDERSTOOD~

Now.......I found this really great gift that I give to people that MC and have actually started selling them myself at a discounted price. Earth Mama Angel Baby sells this incredible Pregnancy/Baby Loss Kit. Inside the kit there is a Seeds of Hope packet (organic seeds to plant in remembrance), Healing Heart Hot Pack (for comfort), Healing Heart Mist (uplifting aromatherapy), Harmony Tea (rebalancing tea for your body), and Comfort Bath Blossoms (for those nice comfot baths). I've also made up a few smaller kits with the seeds, a planter pot, and the harmony tea. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to be able to give someone this gift. I know I would have melted away and felt sooo loved to have received it when I was going through my tough time.

Alisa

[alisaparrent]

Oh, I forgot to mention..............

So on our Ultrasound, the date was moved a bit to give me more room, since I was late last time. My midwife wanted to stretch the date as far as possible, so we went with the ultrasound date, which is March 4th. I was a week or so late with my DS, so it got me thinking last night. I lost my last baby on March 10th. I'm not sure if it would be sad or incredible to have this baby on the same date??

Alisa

[jillybeans]

I personally think it's sweet alisa. Our baby is due the same day that we found out we were pregnant with Riley. When I got my first post-m/c af, I asked my Riley to send me someone special, and he not only did that, he sent me a special day too.

[famille_huggins]

Originally Posted by jillybeans

Our baby is due the same day that we found out we were pregnant with Riley. When I got my first post-m/c af, I asked my Riley to send me someone special, and he not only did that, he sent me a special day too.

Wow, jillybeans. That's nice. What a sweet connection to the babies.

[alisaparrent]

I was sort of thinking the same thing. It's hard to think I'll be holding a baby a year after I loss one, but it's sooo incredible to know the healing that has come from this little bean....including these little reminders~

Thanks guys....I wasn't sure if I would look like a wacko for actually wanting them to be the same date