DH wants me to have my mom's approval for Homebirth

[Beppie]

Dh is not sure about homebirth, but told me the other day that if my mom was really supportive and/or present at the birth (she lives a 14-hour drive away, however), then he would feel much more comfortable with it.

I know my mom thought homebirth was a very bad idea for my SIL when she planned it for 2 of her pregnancies (she ended up getting transferred to a hospital both times). And I hate bringing up topics I feel strongly about with my mom when I suspect that she will disagree with me. (I just hate that family tension. I admit, I tend to fill the peacemaker-role and I hate heated disagreements.)

I guess I might be pleasantly surprised if she DOES agree that homebirth sounds like a good idea. Anyway, I just don't know why I need to talk to my MOM about it! In my mind, it's more important for me and DH to reach a decision about it! I would rather not discuss it with my mom at all. And if DH and I were to decide to do homebirth, I'd rather just tell me mom, that we'd already made the decision ourselves (no room for negotiation, etc.).

Anyone else been in a situation like this with your DH? What did you do or say to convince him that you are capable of having a fabulous homebirth, without family approval?

[Genesis]

It's your birth, your body, and your decision, so NO, I would not ask your mom's "approval" to have a homebirth. And before you allow her to attend your birth, I would make absolutely sure that she will be completely supportive and that she is a firm believer in natural birth. You don't want anything (or anyone) to inhibit you or upset you during labor/birth.

If you are comfortable with birthing at home and you feel that is the best for you and your baby, then that's all you need. Maybe your DH woud be comforted by some home birth information or birth stories? How much does he know about it?

Honestly, I love and respect my mom, but I could care less where she thinks I should birth. She is pro-hospital birth but when I had DS at home, she calmed down about it a lot. (Not that it matters to me either way though) I know without a doubt it's the right thing for me to be at home, and that's all that matters.

HTH.

Michele

[cheeseRjedi]

I agree with the PP.

You are not a little kid anymore. You do not need your mom's approval to have a homebirth. I would try to pass some homebirth stats/books to your DH and tell him how important it is to you. It is your birth and your baby.

[~Megan~]

That's odd. Sounds like he's trying to push off responsibility of the decision making to your mom so he doesn't have to do so.

[mommyfied]

Originally Posted by ~Megan~

That's odd. Sounds like he's trying to push off responsibility of the decision making to your mom so he doesn't have to do so.

That's what I thought when I read it, too.

[Ruthla]

Ask him WHY he wants your mom's approval. Is it because he's hoping she'll talk you out of it? Is it because he trusts her judgement over yours? Or is it because he doesn't want to be your sole labor support person and wants you to have a motherly support person as well?

Inform him about doulas!!!!

[lovemy4boys]

My 2nd child was my first homebirth. I became absolutely unable to have a hospital birth because of the trauma inflicted during my 1st. I simply told my husband I would be having the baby at home. My whole family was totally against it. (And I have an uncle across the country who is an OB/GYN to make things worse) My husband was terrified. He was sure I would simply die. I was determined that I would have our baby at home whether a midwife could come or not. (And I didn't have any message boards or community support either) I quit seeing my OB/GYN after my 1st trimester and started reading everything I could find on birthing. By the Grace of God, my midwife was sent to me about a month before we had our boy. I did need her help and calm assurance.

And I totally agree with the other posters here about your husband not wanting to take any responsibility for making a decision. If he won't make a decision, then maybe you need to. If you would rather not discuss it with your mom at all, then don't.

All easier said than done, though, huh? Good luck, dear.

[lyttlewon]

Originally Posted by Beppie

Anyone else been in a situation like this with your DH? What did you do or say to convince him that you are capable of having a fabulous homebirth, without family approval?

No sorry I haven't. I was born at home so my mom helped my DH feel comfortable with home birth.

I liked Ruthla's advice:

Ask him WHY he wants your mom's approval. Is it because he's hoping she'll talk you out of it? Is it because he trusts her judgement over yours? Or is it because he doesn't want to be your sole labor support person and wants you to have a motherly support person as well?

[DreamsInDigital]

I would neither ask my DH nor my mom's permission to have a homebirth. I'd choose a great midwife and if DH didn't want to be there I'd also hire a doula.

[MsBlack]

SEcond all the other posters on this!

However, if DH feels a need for help and support for himself, that is reasonable I think. Maybe it is just not yet clear to him yet what he needs....perhaps you could help him clarify--and then help him get that need met with a doula, or other assistant.

[prancie]

Sound like he has given you an impossible task, so that he doesn't have to be the one to say no to you. Don't bring your mom into this.

If you have a midwife, having your DH meet her and ask questions might help.

[momto l&a]

being as how you are the one giving birth I dont think you need your mommies ok

[ZoeyZoo]

Originally Posted by cheeseRjedi

I agree with the PP.

You are not a little kid anymore. You do not need your mom's approval to have a homebirth. I would try to pass some homebirth stats/books to your DH and tell him how important it is to you. It is your birth and your baby.

My DH was originally uncomfortable with the idea of a home birth and a midwife too. I got him to understand how important it was to me to have a natural birth and the intervientions that were routine at the hospital and how I could only avoid that at home. I also told him that the midwife can do all the prenatal tests a doctor can do and we will screen for the factors that would make it unsafe to give birth at home. If there is a complication we would go to the hospital.

I hope someone else has the link because I can't find it but only about 3% of transfers are considered an emergency. Most are not for life threatening issues. This helped ease him mind too.

I found the Henci Goer books good for getting him to buy into the intervention free, pro-midwife argument. He is pretty mainstrean and thought a doctor HAS to be there, you HAVE to be in the hospital in case of a what if, etc.

It's funny because I have him thinking so differently now. We were watching a home buying show in HGTV and the buyer was a pregnant woman. When she saw the master bath she saw a big tub and DH asked me if she was planning to have a water birth at home too! He thought it was pretty mainstream to have a home water birth. LOL.

I'm an only child so I don't have the issue of a HB transfer in the family, but I presented a similar argument to my mom and she is very supportive of me having a home birth. She is very mainstrean too so I didn't think it would be so easy.

[veganjoy]

When I first mentioned the idea of homebirth, my husband had a visceral, negative reaction. He thought it was completely crazy! What helped him was factual, even-handed information and exposure to programs that treat birth as a normal experience (like Discovery Health Channel's House of Babies). I tried to present everything as gently as possible, and let him know that I understood his concerns and wanted to address them specifically. It also just took time. He needed to feel comfortable digesting information on his own. Under no circumstances would we involve another person in that decision.

The homebirth of our first child is planned for November, in water. DH intends to be as involved as possible, and is so excited to be a vital and helpful part of the experience.

[AugustLia23]

Wow, I would be offended if my partner tried to make me get permission to give birth where I wanted to...My mother can give birth wherever she is comfortable, and I'm going to do the same.

[RachelGS]

Um. You guys are grownups now. Did he forget?

[Beppie]

update ...

Well, a positive update. I didn't "ask" my mom's advice, but I explained to her our situation very matter-of-factly, passingly as part of a larger conversation (that we just hate the doctor here, and homebirth midwife is one of our options). And she said, "if I were you, I'd be thinking of homebirth too." that led me to discuss it with her, because I was so surprised! And she and I are on the same page...!



And I did want to just clarify about WHY dh thinks the way he does... even though generally he's a very modern guy. It's because he's from India, grew up there, moved here just 7 years ago. And in India, pregnancy is women's "business" and there's a very close connection between mothers and daughters. (Daughters travel to their mother's homes to give birth, only later do they go back to their married/husband's house.)

In fact, his mom had all 11 children at home, with a midwife attending.

But yes, I did question on why I had to ask my mom (as if asking for her "permission"), we just see it in different ways. Well, a happy ending to a confused beginning.