I am in tears along with my son

[Canadianmommax3]

My boys are 12 and 9, the 12 year old teases the 9 year old, i think it's more than i've realized.

This morning they were physical with each other over the computer, than the 9 year old was on the floor playing with his toys and the older one came in to get his shoes on and was talking about filming himself skateboarding and falling down and laughed.

Well the younger one thought he was talking about him (he can't skateboard) so i quickly step in and say no Cam he was talking about filming himself.
Than the older one starts laughing, and the younger one just breaks out in tears, like rocking back and forth and crying.
I sent the older one outside and asked the younger one does Jake tease you a lot?
He says yes, calls him a retard (sorry), laughs at him, just annoying things.

I know they can be nice to each other, i don't think he believes it's a big deal that he is really hurting his brothers feelings, he is so sweet and gentle with his little sister (they both are) but with his brother, it can be another story.

What do i do?

[momuveight2B]

Oh, I would give anything for Tim Horton's right now!

On topic now, I have had that problem with my oldest son and now the brother he teased is starting it. It is so hard. Really hard for me because they used to be so close and the older adored the younger. I don't have an answer but we have to explain over and over again that it is not OK to say things to hurt anyone. As painful as it is to see them go through it the older one seems to need to reject the family in order to assert their own independence. Does that make any sense? Teens are horribly self centered and insensitive, not that we should tolerate it but this is a stage they go through.

[sjccheerdoll]

Maybe sit down with your older DS and explain that things he says hurt DS2's feelings? I don't know if that would help, my younger brother (16) and I (20) are still pretty merciless to each other, but it's a totally different age group than what you're speaking of.

Something to beware of, though- when I was younger I was pretty volatile and if my brother did something to set me off, I'd snap immediately. Not smart to do with parents right there, but he'd always wait until it was just us, then pull out the big guns and really drive me nuts/insult me/be derogatory in every nature possible. I was stuck, because if I handled it myself, I'd be scolded for "parenting" him, but if I ratted him out, I'd be scolded for ratting him out. You can't win as a kid, really.

Just please be fair if it comes to that.

Good luck!

[Canadianmommax3]

i have told my older son to come to me if younger brother is bugging him. I know my younger one is no angel.

They are both so sweet with their sister why can't they be like that to each other?

[oliversmum2000]

my oldest ds adores his baby sister but also has a lot more trouble getting on with his little brother, who in turn absolutely adores his older brother, it hurts doesnt it

[Yoshua]

I have no solutions just comiserating with your younger son.

I was the younger brother and I can honestly tell you that the older they get the better the relationship will get. It bottomed out for my brother and I when he had just graduated highschool and I was in 11th grade. I wanted nothing to do with him, and he would beat me up on a regular basis.


I eventually got bigger than him, showed him I could hurt him back and the beatings stopped. I am sure my brother thinks nothing of the damage done and our relationship is good now as adults but I will never forget what I had to endure, and anything my mom did to try to stop it just made it worse when she wasn't around. My brother had no place to vent his frustrations except at me.


And I had to take it.




If you ask my mom she will tell you that I 'was the good son' but that means very little to me in all honesty. Because that just meant I could bottle my anger up and never let it out until I really blew up, and I carry that with me to today. I try to let it out when it happens, but it is a conscious effort to change that. Otherwise I'd just bottle it up and blow up at the worst time.





I hope you find something, but my advice to you is in your efforts do your best NOT to alienate your older son or make him feel belittled for what he is doing. Do not shame him for it. It will just turn out worse for your younger son in the long run. Try to get your older son to understand and then ask him if he could think of other ways to vent. If you give him other ways then he will feel like he is being forced to change, and that didn't turn out well for the younger brother in my situation either.



Ok, done now, had enough of the therapy session.

[Canadianmommax3]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

I have no solutions just comiserating with your younger son.

I was the younger brother and I can honestly tell you that the older they get the better the relationship will get. It bottomed out for my brother and I when he had just graduated highschool and I was in 11th grade. I wanted nothing to do with him, and he would beat me up on a regular basis.


I eventually got bigger than him, showed him I could hurt him back and the beatings stopped. I am sure my brother thinks nothing of the damage done and our relationship is good now as adults but I will never forget what I had to endure, and anything my mom did to try to stop it just made it worse when she wasn't around. My brother had no place to vent his frustrations except at me.


And I had to take it.




If you ask my mom she will tell you that I 'was the good son' but that means very little to me in all honesty. Because that just meant I could bottle my anger up and never let it out until I really blew up, and I carry that with me to today. I try to let it out when it happens, but it is a conscious effort to change that. Otherwise I'd just bottle it up and blow up at the worst time.





I hope you find something, but my advice to you is in your efforts do your best NOT to alienate your older son or make him feel belittled for what he is doing. Do not shame him for it. It will just turn out worse for your younger son in the long run. Try to get your older son to understand and then ask him if he could think of other ways to vent. If you give him other ways then he will feel like he is being forced to change, and that didn't turn out well for the younger brother in my situation either.



Ok, done now, had enough of the therapy session.

[BensMamacita]

I grew up with a dynamic similar to Yoshua's - my older brother teased/hit me mercilessly until we were adults. I also have younger brothers, and they are like that with each other. I believe in our family it was a case of modeling - my father was not particularly respectful of my Mother (not abusive, or horrible, just somewhat immature and disrespectful), and she took it.

Not trying to imply anything about your family, but wanted to share my experience.