My midwife recently lost a baby

[suprgrl]

So my midwife just told me that she lost a baby at her last birth due to a bad shoulder dystocia. :
She is obviously pretty shaken and is unsure at this time how she will feel emotionally and mentally at future births. My baby is due mid-August, and she just has two babies due between now and then. She has asked another midwife (who is actually my back-up) to attend with her for now. There is no question that I still want her at my birth. However, it has made me a bit nervous about homebirth. I guess it just makes scary and dangerous situations/outcomes seems so much more real since it happened so close to me. I can't and don't want to imagine how painful it must be for all those involved.
I know that birth has its risks wherever it happens. I have felt that homebirth in my case is the safest route, but now I feel myself getting tense about giving birth.
I am only a few weeks from my due date and I don't want to go into it feeling scared or uptight.
I can't talk about this with my mom or MIL cause they already have their fears/concerns about homebirth. And DH just doesn't understand as well as birthing women do.
So I guess I just needed to post my thoughts/feelings. Does anyone have any thoughts in return or advice? Thanks.
Ronna

[birthgreeter]

First, so sorry to hear about the loss that this couple has experienced...

Now for your birth, It is wise that your midwife has asked someone to attend her with the birth. That is not done because she does not have the skills, but instead to help with her healing and for someone to be there to remind her that everything is ok. She will doubt herself and as she heals, the presence of another midwife will help her in the healing process.
.Remember that A shoulder dyst. does not happen often.
Trust in your body's perfect design to bring this little one into this world safe.
You CAN do this!
Best to you!

[AugustLia23]

Aside from the fact that she is so shaken up, to me it doesn't sound very wise to tell a pregnant client about that. Sure you have every right to know that she had a loss, but it seems like such a bad time to let a client know such a thing.

Like the PP said shoulder dystocia doesn't happen often. Also, as I am sure you already know, those terrible things happen in hospitals too. If you were at risk of shoulder dystocia, your best bet is to do it at home, where they won't try to force you onto your back in bed. It's very normal to feel like this after having something hit so close to home, bring all those natural fear up on the surface.

Try to surround yourself with positive birth stories, or if it helps you read about how uncommon these events are. That seems to really help me deal with my fears about birth.

[Usually Curious]

My friend, who happened to later be my midwife, lost a baby due to SD a couple of years ago. She was devastated and almost retired because of it.

Midwives are usually such sensitive souls and they love the miracle of birth that I think they take a loss very hard (compared to drs who deal w/death a lot).

I'm sorry that her loss has put doubts in your mind. I pray you have a lovely, uneventful birth!

[mnkygrl79]

(((HUGS))) don't lose faith.

Not that this will make you feel any better - but I'm an L&D RN and I lost a baby to a bad SD last month - IN the hospital with pediatric team present at delivery SO, I don't think it should make you fearful of homebirth - I actually belive HB is safer for SD (no epidurals, you can change positions, etc.....)

for you, your midwife and the family.

[majikfaerie]

as a midwife, I also lost a baby recently (born with major brain damage) and amazingly enough, my still-expecting clients decided that this confirmed for them that they wanted me to be their midwife; they also knew the first couple and had heard about how i dealt with it all.

Anyway, it will take your MW time to fully process it, but it should not be an issue. If statistics help, for a normal birth and healthy pg, you are less likely to have complications in a HB, and a lower rate of infant mortality.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

It's likely she'd have been no better off in the hospital. Part of birth is accepting the small chance that something may go terribly wrong. That can happen no matter where you give birth; you are no more to blame for it if you give birth at home than if you give birth in the hospital.

[Lynski]

I just want to agree with everyone else. SD is rare, and being in the hospital is no guarantee that nothing will go wrong. I decided to hb after a friend lost her baby during labor in the hospital. I realized I wasn't guaranteed a healthy baby just because I was in the hospital. There are no guarantees in birth unfortunately.

[suprgrl]

Thank you all. I think it will help me to read some good birth stories as well as give myself a refresher on the chances of complications. I like those suggestions.
It is not that I am afraid of SD.. its birth in general that I am less trustful of right now. I just want to get past it so that I can be relaxed and in a positive state of mind during labor/birth.
Personally I appreciate my mw telling me about it. If she was having a hard time emotionally regarding birth and tried to hide it, I think it could have negative consequences. I appreciate her honesty and that she has asked for additional support for herself for the time being.
DH is home today, so maybe I can steal some time to read :

[DoomaYula]

I understand how you feel. I attended a very traumatic homebirth early in my pregnancy, and it really shook my faith in birth and homebirth. I went home and told my dh that I wanted to schedule a c-s because birth was so scary. However, time and being here on mdc helped me realize that homebirth is the safest option for most moms, and there are no guarantees.

[Jster]

I understand how you feel...when I was pregnant with my last baby, my midwife had a loss at birth and a loss soon after birth. The first was due to cord prolapse, and probably would have happened if the couple was having a hospital birth, anyway, because by the time the midwife got there it was too late to save the baby. Second was a fatal heart defect which would have required immediate open heart surgery...and the parents had had an ultrasound which failed to detect the problem.

Birth is always very close to death...it's a threshold. When my midwife talked to me about these losses, it gave both of us a chance to process the experience. And I think, as we cried together and talked about it, it not only strengthened our bond but was healing for her, too.

Birth always carries risk...even in a hospital. The risks may be greater, as they involve the spiral of interventions, horrible antibiotic resistant infections, and the greater possibility of disrupted labor. But the ultimate thing is that a mom should give birth whereever she is most comfortable. If you are more comfortable in a hospital, then you'll have an easier labor there. If you're just experiencing a normal fear of losing your child...it might not matter if you were in a hospital or at home, birth is risky either way.

Sorry for the stress...but I think sometimes its better to BE prepared for the slight chance of loss rather than, if it does happen to you, to be completely unaware of it. Birth is still risky.

[RachelGS]

A good friend of mine lost a baby after a traumatic birth when I was pregnant with my son. I spent a lot of my pregnancy grieving and very frightened. One thing I chose to do at my homebirth was to burn a candle for my friend's baby. It helped me emotionally to be thinking of her and to ask her to be with us as I brought my son into the world. It actually was reassuring and lovely and was a very important part of my birth.

[Usually Curious]

Originally Posted by RachelGS

A good friend of mine lost a baby after a traumatic birth when I was pregnant with my son. I spent a lot of my pregnancy grieving and very frightened. One thing I chose to do at my homebirth was to burn a candle for my friend's baby. It helped me emotionally to be thinking of her and to ask her to be with us as I brought my son into the world. It actually was reassuring and lovely and was a very important part of my birth.

That's beautiful.

[Belleweather]

Originally Posted by Jster

Second was a fatal heart defect which would have required immediate open heart surgery...and the parents had had an ultrasound which failed to detect the problem.

A close friend of ours just lost a baby to still birth under similar circumstances, and I can completely understand how it can scare you and make you lose faith in birth. I didn't realize how much faith I put in that level 2 perinatal ultrasound to detect things like that until I discovered that it could (repeatedly) be wrong.

I wonder if you could talk to the other midwife who is going to be assisting, even just over a cup of coffee informally to try to process your feelings about things without putting further stress on your midwife, who I'm sure even thought she did all she can is still processing what happened for herself.

[olive&pimiento]

Please remember when reading all of these posts that MDC is a HUGE community. The actual probability of problems for you and your baby is very small. I think you need to read up on lots of good birth stories.