Depressed (long, as usual)

[wwisdomskr]

...and it's not because I'm 30! Seriously, I can't begin to describe how relieved I am to be out of my 20's...

But, I can no longer deny that I am depressed. I'm completely overwhelmed and I just can't connect with anyone. It takes so much energy. Thankfully, I've had some consistent connection with a few friends who've been cooking for me. It's a big weight off to not have to "reconnect" or explain things to them. But, it still takes a lot out of me.

I kind of feel like I'm waking from the dead... People ask where I've been, etc and I tell them and I get "yeah, I threw up a couple of times too...and I absolutely could not eat garlic!" I just smile because, really, they don't want to hear about how I thought I was going to die and how much I thought about having an abortion because I couldn't take care of my dds or myself or how I thought about how to get through the next minute and the next.

It just makes it so hard to reach out...

People also think I'm okay because they see me out... but, I have to go out. I have 2 kids and a growing baby that I have to feed. There's only so many people who can cook for us for so many meals. I keep trying to prepare things...but my sense of smell and gag reflex are still so strong.

Nobody wants to hear it. Everyone just wants me to be "fine" and "okay now." I want that too!!

I'm just lost and tired and overwhelmed. The regimen of keeping myself well is exhausting me. I have nothing left over. I feel like I have no internal joy or contentment...just passing external things and even they don't always "work."

I treated myself to a new book that I've really been looking forward to for a long time. I got bored and tired just reading the jacket and flipping through it...

My house...my house... We can't even walk through the basement or the first floor. There is laundry and paper and junk exploding everywhere. Everywhere. And, I do not have the strength or the energy to deal with it. I've been trying to set aside time and break it down into tiny steps...but I just get too tired and nauseous.

Sorry for complaining so much. I know I'm so very negative in our ddc. I hope that will change one of these days. I just really don't know what to do or where to turn. Thanks for listening.

[yogamama74]

Lots of to you.

I have come to the same conclusion today. I am feeling depressed more days than not. When the MW asked me how I was doing emotionally during my last appt., I said that I have more good days than bad. But recently I have been so droopy and tired and overwhelmed and depressed.

My house is a disaster. I spend most of my time feeling guilty its not cleaner or not really caring either way. My kids are home all day from school now and they're driving me batty. I feel bad getting all grumpy with them, but I can't help it.

I'm starting to feel so miserable that wonder if I should ask for antidepressants. But I hate taking them because of side-effects, etc.

I don't really want my friends over and have been ignoring some of them. I say no when the kids want friends over, I don't have the energy to entertain or clean so the house is presentable.

So enough whining about me, I think I understand how you feel and I wanted to sympathize. I hope you find some relief soon. Do you take any time for yourself or exercise? Doing yoga always helps me feel better...

[*GreenMama*]

I understand exactly how you feel. I had pretty severe hyperemesis with my last pregnancy. I would get morning (hahaha) sickness all the time, especially after eating. Eating itself was a complere chore. I had almost no appetite. Nothing looked or smelled good. I'd get nauseaus from even smelling foods I used to enjoy. Sometimes I wouldn't eat until dinner because the thought of trying to force myself to eat something that smelled like skunk to me and THEN feel nauseas after eating it was all too much. I took my vitamins, but I felt so weak and tired all the time. I lost weight through the middle of my 2nd trimester, and had to stop working due to the weight loss, no appetite, and lack of sleep. Eventually I felt "better" but people don't realize that even after you feel "better" you're not "better" for several weeks! You don't just get over pneumonia or any long standing illness in a few days. If you feel sick for 3 months it will probably take another 4-6 weeks for you to REALLY feel like yourself.

Anyway, I also had many people act as though I was avoiding them or that I was being selfish about my pregnancy : (yes I actually had someone complain that I wouldn't "let them in"!) After my son was born my peach of a MIL sat me down to "talk" and proceeded to say that I hadn't been over the house since such-and-such a date and that I don't like her. Yeah, ummm, I was over her house 3 weeks before for a holiday and spent most of the time lying down in another room because the food was making me nauseaus and I didn't want to throw up the food I'd worked to put in my body. That's besides the point because she KNEW I was sick, but still acted as though it was a personal attack on her that I wasn't up to going anywhere! I hardly left the house except for midwife & chiropractor appointments.

You can always complain to me, even if you want to pm. And don't worry about being negative. Being sick for MONTHS made me a total grouch, as it would anyone.

[Curlita]

I'm sorry you're down and droopy. I think that it's especially hard being down while you're pregnant because people expect you to be in a constant state of rapture over your gloriously fecund state. Pregnancy is stressful, between the physical demands and the bouncing hormones.

Wish I could say or do something more helpful...

[TanyaMT]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had it bad with my first pregnancy, where I seemed to spend half of the 9 months hooked up to IV fluids. Hugs to you.

Tanya

[GinaRae]

It has been a sucky pregnancy, huh? I'm sorry, Jessica. This is harder than anyone knows and of course they want you to be okay. I have had people tell me (years ago) I was only sick because I thought I was supposed to be sick when I was pregnant. HUH?! They were unable to be empathetic because they (were both ugly inside in my opinion and took any chance they could to knock me down and they) hadn't been sick a day in their pregnancies.

I am feeling SO much better than I was weeks ago. And yet... always an excuse. I am exhausted. My stomach isn't so great today. I am out of shape now. I can't eat much in one sitting. I need food RIGHT NOW. I am not feeling great. I am not sleeping great. I am so sensitive to smells. I am chained to a toilet.... want more?

Everyone is tired of hearing me whine and just want it all better now. Being as sick as I was and how I was almost wishing for a miscarriage, I can only imagine how draining it is to be as sick as you've been this whole time with no reprieve.

Now, with my kids going nuts on me, I am getting a bit depressed about how I have NO energy to get them in line. I just keep repeating myself, yelling louder, asking them WHY they won't listen... I am at my wits end! And all hubby is giving me now is flack about it. Feels like nothing is good enough. Sure, he's glad I am doing laundry again, but then he's upset because I am not cooking yet. *sigh*

[veganjoy]

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I can't imagine how difficult hyperemesis is, and how incredibly life-upsetting it must be.

Praying that you would get bits of peace in the midst of something so frustrating.

[boogiemonster]

I'm so sorry you're going through this now. It's difficult to try to impress upon people that being pregnant, even pregnancies where you feel relatively healthy, is HARD WORK. It's a huge physical and emotional strain. No one should ever make a pregnant woman feel badly for not being her "normal self".

I don't have any advice, really, just support. If it helps, remember that this too shall pass and that happier days lie ahead with a gorgeous, precious, sweet-smelling baby.

Take care of yourself. It's so hard for mamas to think about themselves, but try to put yourself first at least once a day.

[bloomingmomma]

Jessica- I'm so sorry!! How awful to feel so sick and unable to cope. I'm glad you reached out to this group and I hope that you can find someone IRL to download all these feelings to too. I find that really helps to shift my emotions. Does your care-giver know how you are feeling?

I assume you've tried a lot of treatments for the hyperemesis. Have you tried many homeopathic remedies? PM me if you're looking for more treatment ideas. My partner and I are naturopathic doctors and have had success with hyperemesis.

Mostly I just want you to know that I hear your desperation and that I care. Please be gentle with yourself- this is a very difficult time- and it will pass. -Ann

[Kontessa]

I think I could have writen that.

(((Hugs)))

This baby and I do not get along. I say unkind things about it with a friend I know who understands, sees my house, knows me well enough to know how crazy it all makes me. She does not judge me for it, she has seen how sick I have been. Seen the depression hit like a rolling black out. I know I will love baby when baby is here, till then, baby makes me cry. I make me cry. And I get so angry with myself for not being enough......

Really though, when I have my brighter moments I know this too will pass. That the kids and I will get by, and that I must be kinder to myself and this child. One moment at a time. The house will not always look this way, the kids will get happy mommy back, and things will be ok. Even if some moments I feel like they are not.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could be like the best of friends to ourselves and not judge ourselves for all this out of our control? If only.

Till then, know that there are mamas here not judging you and feeling a little like you too.

[sorteep]

OHHH sweetie, I am so sorry (I was geting worried about you BTW..) I wish I lived closer so I could come over and cook for you (and clean too..) , you wouldn't even have to say "hi" if you were not up to it!!!! I totally get that feeling and totally respect it... I am happy you aheva few good people there for you.. plus all of us sending you prayers and thoughts..... hugs GF..

[chrysalis]

oh mama i feel for you! know you are not alone right now...or ever! i suffer from depression too. i take lexapro which semi-helps me, but man...some days i just have NO ENERGY. even not pregnant. i suffer from depression AND fatigue...so either can trigger the other...

fiance and i got in a HUGE argument last night...i personally feel he was insulting and attacking...and VERY apathetic. he looks at it like he doesn't like coming home to a messy house...i look at it like well i dont' have the energy to clean it up...he says you get spurts of energy and clean and then nothing. i said yup, that's right buddy. that is how i am...i said some other mean things too cuz by the time i said them he'd insulted me enough. all this in FRONT of my dd, 4. and his words contain a lot of F words and the S word and G-damn it's. NOT cool. i told him to take a hike to the trailer park if he's gonna talk like that. he doesn't let up...he keeps at me. i tell him if he doesn't like the mess, clean up what he doesn't like then...help me out. i think he looks at it as well he goes to work and works his a*s off, so i should keep a clean house i suppose... he was going on and on like well you have energy to drive around all day and go to the beach with meghan and play with her and so forth...i was like yeah, so she and i can develop FRIENDSHIPS and i enjoy connecting w/ my daughter and being w/ her...that is a different kind of energy. i usually have that kind. but the cleaning kind...no...taht is different. especially if i feel its expected from a man. oh man...he was really at me last night......left and right just telling me its always some excuse, either you are depressed or you are pregnant...enough w/ the excuses, he said and snap out of it...i said oh its that easy huh? i called him some names and told him maybe he should get back w/ his ex girlfriend mary so she can be his suzy homemaker and one other derogatory thing i mentioned she could do for him. i'm sure you can figure it out. that was at the end...i was tired of taking his crap. when i tell him to leave me alone, and stop arguing in front of megh (megh is always here...i don't leave my children much...) he keeps at me. very verbally abusive if you ask me. this all started cuz he came home and asked me to write out a check for him so he could send a payment off to a store. i got kind of bitchy then and said why dont YOU fill it out...you have to sign it anyway...and on that note, WHY don't you put ME on the bank account, tom??? he said 'what are we, MARRIED?' and i said no, but what does that matter???!!! (now i REALLLLY don't want to legally be bound to this man in marriage...which is another thread altogether re. the baby's last name.....he probably assumes i'll name it his last name. as long as i'm not married to him and unsure it will be MINE or tom's last name will be the baby's middle name) i said we are a FAMILY for almost 2 years and i should be on the account too. i should be able to write bills out too and sign MY name too and get gas with a debit card or go shopping if we need groceries WITHOUT having to ask you for money like some child. he goes on to insult me that i just want a man who makes 100,000 a year and i want to just spend his money. oh and one really bad argument we got in i told him to get out and he said it was HIS house. oh really, dude? so i guess it goes to the heart of what he REALLY feels huh? i know people say that when people argue they say things they don't mean but i don't believe that...i believe he DOES mean it truly ......he is so reactive. i tried not arguing back and such but i had had it. poor meghan............. part of me wants to be a single mama again so badly. i am tired of this crap. oh and another thing was earlier i told tom about a cool new paint a friend told me about...chalkboard paint to make a chalkboard on any surface...wow. so i told tom i wanted to paint the backboard of the cabinets that faces the eat in kitchen at our new place we are moving to soon (well HE might move there himself after i leave his sorry ass...) with this stuff and he was like you want THAT to be a chalkboard? i could just tell he didn't want anything TOO child-oriented in there. i bet he would prefer i did it in meghs' room (she doesn't sleep in there she sleeps w/ us in our family bed...) or in the family room we'll have. whatever. i am a radical unschooler and i believe our whole home and life is about radical unschooling. i see chalkboards in the kitchen.....a LOT of them are in kitchens. i said tom, i shouldn't have to ask your permission before i do stuff to our house. i have all sorts of mama friends who paint their walls any color they desire and their husbands are cool w/ it...and they decorate and such. i have a friend (she is single though...but she is an artist) who mosaic'd her counter top in her bathroom...its awesome, i love it. but before i do stuff like this, tom has to approve or i don't do it. (what's he gonna do to me or about it anyway...lol) anyway so his response was well it should be that way. i said oh REALLY dude. i don't THINK so. i told him if he wants a suzy homemaker he should have ordered one up. and if he wants a woman who works and leaves her kids than he should get one. but this crap about this is mine and that is yours as far as our house and what we own and the bank account...not right. i could use some feedback. i'm going to post this in antoher thread too so i don't interrupt this thread you posted jess ok?

now today i'm more down and trying to stay positive. i have been putting laundry away that has been piled on the couch and cleaning up and such but it certainly isn't for HIM this time. i really resent men a lot. i just think i'd be better off w/out him.

i tihnk i'll go to the gym later and go on a treadmill or something.
love,
lis