hospitality issues

[Susie1]

I am a very hospitable person by nature so I am concerned about the resentment (my own) that is surfacing around my teens' friends being around.

Problem #1: I have a very small place, a two bedroom condo. When we have family gatherings, I have to rearrange furniture to accomodate more bodies. For the occasional teen party, I do not mind because I have time to arrange the home to host that kind of activity. When it is spontaneous, or it begins with a couple of friends, and then a couple of more arrive, by the time the next set is there, I have a hard time being gracious about it. When there are too many of the friends, they get loud, messy, eat and drink A LOT and it just doesn't feel like I have any room for myself. I have asked the kids to limit the number of guests that are over, but that always gets awkward when they all want to be together. It is not cool to exclude people. I have asked the kids to find alternative locations for larger groups of kids, but evidentally there are no other parents (and they have large homes) who welcome their teens' friends as I do. When they all congregate outside, other homeowners complain of the noise and start writing me nasty letters. So I have asked them to find a park or other place to hang out when there are large groups of them. What upsets me about this problem of large groups is that I have to make the same request to my own and their friends over and over. It is putting me into the role of becoming a nag. I am always asking people to leave and I hate it.

Problem #2. I have expressed my preference that my teens not host friends while I am not around unless I have okayed it. To their closest friends who are always around, I have also expressed that they not come into the home when I am not there unless I know about it and given the okay. (Which I will most of the time.) Many times I have come home to a bunch of kids in my home and it just irks me. Food is everywhere, empty glasses everywhere, fridge completely raided. I have no problem with sharing, but I just feel resentful of this. So maybe I really do have a problem sharing and I am just not as hospitable as I thought I was.

I have told the kids over and over what I need for HOME to feel like and while I really like all of their friends and enjoy when they come over, too many, too often just disturbs my peace. They do not seem to get it.

I have had to get bitchy about it and now I am feeling resentful and guilty.

[pranamama]

write out the rules and post them

[ThreeBeans]

Originally Posted by pranamama

write out the rules and post them

Yup. And issue consequences.

You are being severely disrespected and you are letting your kids walk all over you.


You need to lay down the rules.

[Susie1]

rules and consequences.

Is that all ya got?

I was hoping for some creative problem solving ideas. I am not much for authoritarian rules and consequences type stuff, but I feel like my resentfulness is making me more authoritarian and top downish anyway, so it is probably better to post rules and issue consequences in a cool dictatorial manner than get my panties in an emotional butthurt bunch.

Any other ideas out there?

[pranamama]

you want creativity
get a really big van and volunteer to drive them somewhere else

make sure you don't have good tv at your house, I get complaints about that all the time, and only have healthy food.

[whimsy]

By setting boundaries and sticking to them, you are modeling good relationship behavior.

It's more than just rules and consequences. Part of the "work" of being a teen is learning to navigate these waters. They need to see personal boundaries set so they know how to set them for themselves.

If you are feeling like a nag and being resentful and bitchy, that's a sign that your needs are not being met. You are in a relationship with your teens. Would you want them to treat a significant other that way? Or be treated that way by others?

[mamakarata]

I always put the responsibility on my teen. It is her company. And it is her responsibility.

She has to be the one that becomes the nag or whatever, because if they don't clean after themselves, she has to.

Make a rule with your kid about the # of kids you allow generally, and how often you will make an exception to that rule, (once a month, once every 3mos, whatever), and then if is broken, the natural consequence is that she must for-go friends at your house for whatever amount of time seems appropriate. All pre-determined of course.

I will only add this perspective too. If you think of the tiny slice of your life spent with your kids, and how even tinier this teen stage is, that they are still home with you, and how important it is that you get to share this with them, remember in time, you will live to be thankful of the chaos. It helps me. I actually really enjoy their antics and how they relate. It's fun if you think about it.

I too have a dinky 900 square foot house for a family of 4, and for some reason find they all tend to congregate at my house. But knowing what they are doing and that they are safe. Being grateful that they have friends and a lively social life. It's all worth it.

Hang in there sista! My 16yo is gone for 5 mos on foreign exchange, and I already miss the chaos. I know, I must be crazy!

[Susie1]

Originally Posted by mamakarata

I will only add this perspective too. If you think of the tiny slice of your life spent with your kids, and how even tinier this teen stage is, that they are still home with you, and how important it is that you get to share this with them, remember in time, you will live to be thankful of the chaos. It helps me. I actually really enjoy their antics and how they relate. It's fun if you think about it.

Thank you. I think this reminder to self helps with managing negative feelings. Gratitude is an amazing attitude adjuster.

Originally Posted by mamakarate

I too have a dinky 900 square foot house for a family of 4, and for some reason find they all tend to congregate at my house. But knowing what they are doing and that they are safe. Being grateful that they have friends and a lively social life. It's all worth it.

I agree. I very much enjoy my teens and their friends. Knowing that they are safe is well worth the hassle of the temporary choas.

[mamakarata]

I am glad you took that positively. Because I don't want to sound for a second like I haven't felt that frustration myself!

And hey, you sound like a cool mom!