What if you don't like your DD's boyfriend?

[MamaLisa1]

She has been going out with him for about 3 weeks and they have been friends for about 8 months. He doesn't drive, so they don't see each other that much. The thing is, he says rude and inappopriate things (like in a critical way) and she says she really isn't that attracted to him (she looks at other guys and thinks "wow, he's cute" and then looks at this guy and thinks "uh, not so much") and they have nothing in common, but yet she continues to go out with him. She knows we aren't that fond of him, but I told her we wouldn't stop her from dating him, just that I'm not encouraging it much. I'm conveniently unable to take her to be with him or vice versa, so that limits their contact.
Anyway, last night, I was all excited because I was trying the magic eraser thingies on all of my youngest's household artwork and it was taking all the marks off of everything! I said to DD "ooh, this thing is so cool...I wonder what else I can clean???" The boyfriend chimes in "how about your house?" I cannot tell you the string of 4 letter words that ran through my mind, but I just ignored him entirely.
I was glad she was going out with him at first because it got her away from this other psycho guy, but this guy is equally bad in a different way. He has also sarcastically said "You're a real great mother" when I've done something dumb in his presence or teased one of the kids in a way he obviously didn't understand, and if he is here and I get Domino's pizza, he tells me I should have gotten Papa Johns. Oh, and the one time, I got pizzas for 4 of her friends and spent like $35 and he had the audacity to complain that I didn't get a supreme pizza. It's maddening.
He also NEVER says thanks. I can drive him home (22 mins each way), take him to eat, drive them to the movies, etc...and he only once, at the prompting of my DD has said thanks. I really have a hard time with kids that don't say thank you...I have stressed to my kids the importance of saying thank you to all people, especially parents. Last night, I drove him home and he just got out of the car and walked away...no goodbye, nothing.
I am so upset right now, I almost can't look at DD because I don't understand WHY she likes this kid. She has so much going for her personality, academically and she's very pretty. This kid doesn't care about school, or his appearance or anything.
What do I do?

[philomom]

Well, I can tell you right now that the taxi service would stop if he could not even manage a thank you. I have better ways to spend my time and gas than haul trash around and I'd lay that out with my kid as well.

[Yoshua]

He isn't your responsiblity. Tell him to get a job and get a car to provide his own transportation. Tell him that you would have gladly provided the transportation had he shown a little more class and appreciation, and tell him that starting now is too little too late.

Tell him if he wants to stay on good terms with you that he should start treating your daughter, you, and your household with respect and then tell your daughter that her choices are her own and she can find her own way to make those choices work if the choices she makes are too poor to afford to be able to pay your house hold a little respect then your house hold doesnt need to pay respect back.


Sorry, I am a blunt person. If my son's girlfriends or my daughters boyfriends even contemplate for a moment that they can show my children or my household disrespect and still have the privilage of walking through my front door they are sorely mistaken. And likewise I would hope to have raised my children to respect their significant others and their parents.



Some people get 'privilage' confused with 'right' and they need to be taught the difference.





I feel for your daughter but not only should you not have to put up with a lack of respect, but you shouldn't have to put up with the lack of respect (yes I said it twice.)

[MamaLisa1]

He doesn't have a driver's license...he will be 16 in two weeks, but won't have his license till winter based on when he got his permit. I hadn't driven him anywhere in over a week, and since I knew my daughter told him about thanking me, I thought I'd try once more....since he didn't manage a thanks, I will not take him anywhere again. I also am not taking her to his house anymore either.
I think because I am a funny joking around type, he thinks he can say stuff to me that he interprets as funny...but nothing so far as been very humorous. I am going to point out to DD that his lack of respect to me, means he has no respect for her as well.

[Papai]

Originally Posted by Yoshua

He isn't your responsiblity. Tell him to get a job and get a car to provide his own transportation. Tell him that you would have gladly provided the transportation had he shown a little more class and appreciation, and tell him that starting now is too little too late.

Tell him if he wants to stay on good terms with you that he should start treating your daughter, you, and your household with respect and then tell your daughter that her choices are her own and she can find her own way to make those choices work if the choices she makes are too poor to afford to be able to pay your house hold a little respect then your house hold doesnt need to pay respect back.


Sorry, I am a blunt person. If my son's girlfriends or my daughters boyfriends even contemplate for a moment that they can show my children or my household disrespect and still have the privilage of walking through my front door they are sorely mistaken. And likewise I would hope to have raised my children to respect their significant others and their parents.



Some people get 'privilage' confused with 'right' and they need to be taught the difference.





I feel for your daughter but not only should you not have to put up with a lack of respect, but you shouldn't have to put up with the lack of respect (yes I said it twice.)

Tell it!

I can't believe you buy pizza and he complains about the fact that you didn't get supreme! I would smartly reply right back, "If you'd like a supreme pizza feel free to shell out the 15 dollars and order one for yourself."

And I can't believe your DD lets him get away with insulting you by sarcastically saying "Yeah, you're a great mother."

My child and I would definitely have a serious talk, and that young man wouldn't be stepping to me incorrectly ever again. Does he not have good parents at home? Where is his home training?

[Arduinna]

As the mom of a teenager, I'd personally stay out of it as much as possible. She will figure it out and it sounds like she doesn't like him all the much anyway. Getting into sarcastic debates with him isn't exactly going to work in your favor. Why sink to his level? She is going to encounter people like this again and it's a good learning experience for her to negociate her way through it now. She obviously hasn't hit her personal limit on his attitude or she would have already ended it. While he is totally annoying I'd focus on that fact it he is definately temporary.

[UUMom]

That's one of my nightmares. He sound so much like my sister's x. The biggest fights we ever had were about him. None of my crying and wailing about him made a difference, and she married him. They divorced after two kids and 7 years, but it was no solace. He was mean to my mother, mean to all of us, and he was mean to my sister. In the beginning it seems funny, but later you see it's just abusive.

I knew my mother couldn't talk her out of him, but I thought as a sister I could. He fought all the time with our mother, and was rude to her from the get-go , and started in on me when I tried to protect my mother.

It's a nightmare because my sister is an intelligent, educated woman, and my mother is not nuts. My dds are lovely people and you would think that would comfort me, but it doesn't. My sister is alos a lovely person, but fell in love with a jerk. There isn't much you can do. My sister finally came to her senses that she didn't want to be treated like dirt 'in fun'. Of course, my sisters kids don't want to be with their father, (they are grown) because he's just nasty. It's all bad -boy cute when a guy is 20, but after that it gets old fast. I guess my hope is that my girls would get it before they married and had kids with a dumbass.

ETA-- I reread and I see is only 15. My sister's bf was a little older than when she met him. There is still hope for the boy. Have a nice, gentle talk with him. Maybe he is just sarcastic and has had really bad modeling. I'd have a conversation with him-- nothing having to do with your dd, juts your feelings about driving him and not being thanked, that the comments about "your house!" makes you feel bad etc. His parents may have missed the boat in that dept. so maybe a kind conversation with him about your feelings (and again, saying nothing about your dd) could help.

[littlemizflava]

what is ur dd's age? but it is a phase it will pass she will learn it only takes one thing to open her eyes and he will be gone or even one guy : and no rides i wouldnt say anything to dd about not driving him anywhere when he is there and dd asks u to drive him home i would just say oh i would love to but i am sorry i dont give ride to people who dont say thank you or even bye to me

[dynamicdoula]

I don't understand... and it's very likely because my kids aren't teens yet but I have to ask...

You have a kid in your house, eating your food, criticizing your housekeeping, taking advantage and not showing any respect... and he's not even YOUR kid?

I have NO compunction about addressing the kids in my neighborhood, much less friends of my children who are *in my home* about our house rules and showing respect. None whatsoever. If they don't like our rules, they don't have to come back. My talk with that boy would be pretty simple. I'd get him alone and just let him know, directly and kindly (but firmly), that you really do enjoy being involved and being able to do things for him and your daughter- giving rides, buying food, whatever (because at least you know where she is, and what she's doing!), but that in your house, there's this really cool thing called *gratitude*, which is just one way that we show we respect each other. For example, I'm grateful that you hang out at our house so that we can all get to know you. If you would like to keep coming over, I need to know that the respect goes both ways. So 'thank you' is a good head start on that. And if you aren't thrilled with my house keeping, there's nothing stopping you from washing a dish. "

LOL Something along that line.

Scary though... the blatant disrespect. I'd also chat 'casually' with your daughter about respect between partners and how he shows her he respects her? See if that gets her thinking....

[Susie1]

Originally Posted by UUMom

ETA-- I reread and I see is only 15. My sister's bf was a little older than when she met him. There is still hope for the boy. Have a nice, gentle talk with him. Maybe he is just sarcastic and has had really bad modeling. I'd have a conversation with him-- nothing having to do with your dd, juts your feelings about driving him and not being thanked, that the comments about "your house!" makes you feel bad etc. His parents may have missed the boat in that dept. so maybe a kind conversation with him about your feelings (and again, saying nothing about your dd) could help.

I agree with this approach.

Significant others are an extended part of the family, so talk to him as if he were one of your own. Find out what is behind the sarcasm/attitude/badmanners...he might not realize he is being sarcastic/rude/ill-mannered. Many people do not know when they are being misread and have trouble reading nonverbal cues. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but let him know what your are thinking and perceiving. Be honest with him.

[dadinblue]

Words fail me.

I can tell you that, DD's BF or not, that punk wouldn't set foot in my house if he said those things to me or to Prolific Poster.

I think the first comment of a sarcastic/negative nature would get him a one-sided discussion about respect, his 'place' in the pecking order and what he could expect to happen if this behaviour was EVER repeated.

After that he would be a persona non-grata in our home; until such time as he apologizes, owns up to his mistakes and shows he was learned to behave like a proper young man.

As to our situation, I suggest that you try and get her to places where Punk isn't, but where nice boys ARE. Relationships are fleeting at that age, so if she finds someone she fancies more than Punk, she'll soon realize she gets treated better (by you and by new guy) and will drop Punk on his ear.

Just give it time (and maybe a nudge in the right direction...).

[orangefoot]

Totally OT but I am in this with my mum and her bf. I expected to have to deal with it with my son but not her!

So far my ds hasn't brought any girlfriends home and hasn't got anyone in particular but he does go to other people's homes and he knows he must behave even better there than he does at home.

If he was anything less than polite I wouldn't be offended by other mums teling him how they expect to be treated.

I agree with the others that you should deal with him directly and not via your dd. Its not her fault he is that way and she may be looking for a way to deal with it too. Maybe showing her that you aren't afraid to tell him what you think will give her a cue?

[mata]

I agree with dadinblue-I'd very clearly let him know the behavior I expected in my house from guests-if he's not willing to be courteous and respectful then he's not welcome. I wouldn't forbid dd from spending time with him, but she would also have to bear some responsibility about who she brings home to our house-which, btw, is her home but also MY sanctuary! If someone isn't prepared to honor that, then I won't have them in the house. It sounds like your dd is close to kicking him to the curb, though-they have to decide to do that for themselves. And creating opportunities to broaden her horizons a bit definitely won't hurt.

[Bestbirths]

this reminds me of a couple weeks ago when a cousin of my oldests son's friend popped off that my kids would really be different if they were in public school and he meant that in a good way. I just ignored it but then he asked a question about unschooling and I said that we have no grades, tests, or homework ever, and just got to pursue what interested them and my children talked about how cool that was so he kind of piped down after that, but can you imagine????

This would be very unpleasant to deal with in a bf of dd.....

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mata

I agree with dadinblue-I'd very clearly let him know the behavior I expected in my house from guests-if he's not willing to be courteous and respectful then he's not welcome. I wouldn't forbid dd from spending time with him, but she would also have to bear some responsibility about who she brings home to our house-which, btw, is her home but also MY sanctuary! If someone isn't prepared to honor that, then I won't have them in the house.

I agree. I don't see this as being so much about not liking her boyfriend, as about the way he talks to you. I don't have to like the people my kids bring into our house - friend or significant others - but I will expect them to talk to me and the rest of our family with respect. DS1 has had a few friends that I didn't like, and I figure that's his business...but they bloody well speak respectfully to me, dh and our kids while in our house.

Oh - and I agree. No taxi service - or pizza - for someone who can't muster a thank you.

I think I'd talk to him about that.