Pissed off with fiance...almost have HAD IT...

[chrysalis]

some days i just have NO ENERGY. even not pregnant. i suffer from depression AND fatigue...so either can trigger the other...

fiance and i got in a HUGE argument last night...(we live w/ him...) i personally feel he was insulting and attacking...and VERY apathetic. he looks at it like he doesn't like coming home to a messy house...i look at it like well i dont' have the energy to clean it up...he says you get spurts of energy and clean and then nothing. i said yup, that's right buddy. that is how i am...i said some other mean things too cuz by the time i said them he'd insulted me enough. all this in FRONT of my dd, 4. and his words contain a lot of F words and the S word and G-damn it's. NOT cool. i told him to take a hike to the trailer park if he's gonna talk like that. he doesn't let up...he keeps at me. i tell him if he doesn't like the mess, clean up what he doesn't like then...help me out. i think he looks at it as well he goes to work and works his a*s off, so i should keep a clean house i suppose... he was going on and on like well you have energy to drive around all day and go to the beach with meghan and play with her and so forth...i was like yeah, so she and i can develop FRIENDSHIPS (we are not from MN-he already has his gang from his NA meetings...can we say DRY DRUNK) and i enjoy connecting w/ my daughter and being w/ her...that is a different kind of energy. i usually have that kind. but the cleaning kind...no...taht is different. especially if i feel its expected from a man. oh man...he was really at me last night......left and right just telling me its always some excuse, either you are depressed or you are pregnant...enough w/ the excuses, he said and snap out of it...i said oh its that easy huh? i called him some names and told him maybe he should get back w/ his ex girlfriend mary so she can be his suzy homemaker and one other derogatory thing i mentioned she could do for him. i'm sure you can figure it out. that was at the end...i was tired of taking his crap. when i tell him to leave me alone, and stop arguing in front of megh (megh is always here...i don't leave my children much...) he keeps at me. very verbally abusive if you ask me. this all started cuz he came home and asked me to write out a check for him so he could send a payment off to a store. i got kind of bitchy then and said why dont YOU fill it out...you have to sign it anyway...and on that note, WHY don't you put ME on the bank account, tom??? he said 'what are we, MARRIED?' and i said no, but what does that matter???!!! (now i REALLLLY don't want to legally be bound to this man in marriage...which is another thread altogether re. the baby's last name.....he probably assumes i'll name it his last name. as long as i'm not married to him and unsure it will be MINE or tom's last name will be the baby's middle name) i said we are a FAMILY for almost 2 years and i should be on the account too. i should be able to write bills out too and sign MY name too and get gas with a debit card or go shopping if we need groceries WITHOUT having to ask you for money like some child. he goes on to insult me that i just want a man who makes 100,000 a year and i want to just spend his money. oh and one really bad argument we got in i told him to get out and he said it was HIS house. oh really, dude? so i guess it goes to the heart of what he REALLY feels huh? i know people say that when people argue they say things they don't mean but i don't believe that...i believe he DOES mean it truly ......he is so reactive. i tried not arguing back and such but i had had it. poor meghan............. part of me wants to be a single mama again so badly. i am tired of this crap. oh and another thing was earlier i told tom about a cool new paint a friend told me about...chalkboard paint to make a chalkboard on any surface...wow. so i told tom i wanted to paint the backboard of the cabinets that faces the eat in kitchen at our new place we are moving to soon (well HE might move there himself after i leave his sorry ass...) with this stuff and he was like you want THAT to be a chalkboard? i could just tell he didn't want anything TOO child-oriented in there. i bet he would prefer i did it in meghs' room (she doesn't sleep in there she sleeps w/ us in our family bed...) or in the family room we'll have. whatever. i am a radical unschooler and i believe our whole home and life is about radical unschooling. i see chalkboards in the kitchen.....a LOT of them are in kitchens. i said tom, i shouldn't have to ask your permission before i do stuff to our house. i have all sorts of mama friends who paint their walls any color they desire and their husbands are cool w/ it...and they decorate and such. i have a friend (she is single though...but she is an artist) who mosaic'd her counter top in her bathroom...its awesome, i love it. but before i do stuff like this, tom has to approve or i don't do it. (what's he gonna do to me or about it anyway...lol) anyway so his response was well it should be that way. i said oh REALLY dude. i don't THINK so. i told him if he wants a suzy homemaker he should have ordered one up. and if he wants a woman who works and leaves her kids than he should get one. but this crap about this is mine and that is yours as far as our house and what we own and the bank account...not right. i could use some feedback. i'm going to post this in antoher thread too so i don't interrupt this thread you posted jess ok?

now today i'm more down and trying to stay positive. i have been putting laundry away that has been piled on the couch and cleaning up and such but it certainly isn't for HIM this time. i really resent men a lot. i just think i'd be better off w/out him.

i tihnk i'll go to the gym later and go on a treadmill or something. i've posted on here before about tom, and i tihnk on the blended families and single mom forums...he has been VERY rude to megh and i numerous times. a few months ago he actually told her to F off. yeah!!! and still here i am...probably due to being supported financially by him. if i were alone i'd have to struggle more doing childcare or house cleaning or something so i could stay with my kids...

i'm sorry to be so negative but i really despise this man when he insults and gets on me like this...and i'm processing the possibility/reality of leaving him...i'd probably do it BEFORE baby is born to avoid any connection w/ him. i wouldn't stay around here i dont' think...
love,
lis

[GinaRae]

Lis, I've read your posts elsewhere before and once I told you to run. Honey, you're a STRONG woman, who can support herself and take her time finding a nice man if she so desires someday. But today is about your health and the kids. Get out while you can.

GO HOME! Get out now before you have the baby in the state Tom's in which will seal your fate if he fights. Go back to where you said your support system is, and you will make it. You will be fine.

Let him come to you if he wants to play dad, but to ensure your future and your kids, you should get your little butt moving on right now. He's abusive in several ways (verbally, emotionally, financially and more..) and I am worried about you and your daughter.

[StacieM]

(((Lis)))

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. There are a lot of couples however, that do have separate bank accounts and leave it at that. Or they have separates and a joint. Personally, I don't see the point of that. Part of being married (I know you aren't, but if you're headed there it should be the same way) is being part of a team...tackling life TOGETHER.

But, like I said, there are a lot of people who feel that separate bank accounts works better for them. Obviously you and tom have different points of view on some major issues.

When I first got married, I stayed home (was pg) and DH worked. I knew I wasn't going to work after baby was born and I just didn't feel comfortable with going out and getting a job for a few months, then having to quit. So I kept our room clean (we lived with MIL) and did our laundry and all that and I helped out around the house in general as my contribution to being able to live there.

However, the more kids we had, the tougher it was to keep up with housework and though I do it - I can say now that it's NOT my forte. I'm good at other things, but housework is NOT something I can do on a daily basis with zest. Same with yards...I never had a yard growing up and told DH before we ever had a yard of our own that if he wants one that's fine, but I don't do yards. Of course....now that I have one, I am taking care of it more and more because DH is still the primary income and says that he's not going to work 10+ hours a day 6 days a week AND come home and do the yard and do housework. I can also understand THAT point of view because when I was working I did NOT want to do much around the house after a day of work either. Soooooo....I'm trying to get better at doing things around the house....I'm learning to get my kids to be more responsible about how they care for the house as well and have been start helping out a lot more, I've learned that the way I ask DH for help greatly affects the amount I get, AND I've also learned that if cleaning is not my forte, there's NOTHING wrong with having OUTSIDE help for it and I've had cleaners come in a few times (especially now that I'm pg) to help me with things I absolutely don't want to do (like scrub floors and clean tubs).

I'm the same way with you though - if you're NOT helping you have NO RIGHT to grumble. If you don't like the way something is DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. That's my view on things. For DH it's a little different though and I only learned this AFTER 11 yrs of marriage. I felt like since I didn't intend to help with the yard, I had no right to grumble about how it looked or how he took care of it. He said that by me NOT saying anything he felt like I didn't even care that the yard didn't really look that great and that bothered him. This made me realize that him voicing his opinion on things probably meant that he was trying to show me that those things mattered to him. Not necessarily the "you're doing a cr*ppy job at being a wife and mother" that it came across to me as.

But I do have to say that he's gotten MUCH better at helping around the house and both of us understand a little better the other's point of view. I told him that HE is the ONLY feedback I get about what I'm doing at home. When I was working I got lots of feedback from co-workers, from bosses that I was doing a good job and that I was "worth" something. At home though, I do what I can to be a good wife and mother and when he comes home and grumbles about the ONE thing I DIDN'T do after a day that I did a zillion OTHER things, it makes me feel like nothing else I did even matters. I need to hear from him some appreciation of other things that he notices that I DID get done. So he's been much better at just letting me know that he notices other small routine things, that he's thankful for the things that I DO get accomplished even if the house isn't perfect. This means a lot to me and goes a long way to making me feel like I have the "drive" to go on and do it day after day (and I don't even have depression or fatigue issues).

All I'm saying is sometimes, it's a difference of point of view that can be worked out. You sound like you're at your wits end though and I really feel like if you don't feel that you are being treated the way you should be, DON'T stay in the relationship! You deserve better. Don't "settle." KWIM?

If you KNOW you don't want to be tied to this man legally, then DON'T stick around. Make a better life for yourself and your children. I know it's not easy, but you deserve a good life with a man that adores you and makes you feel like part of a really cool team. Someone who backs you up in the most important areas of life.

[chrysalis]

gina, do you really believe that is abusive, the way he witholds my privelege to be on the bank account and having no debit card of my own to use and so forth? i do. but i'm scared to leave. i have no money to leave. we have this house we are fixing up and about to move into and i just feel so not in love or like w/ this guy...i feel so stuck and i know i'm NOT...i just don't know where to go next.

[chrysalis]

boy i DO sound like an abused woman the way i question my own sanity. i KNOW i don't like this. i KNOW i don't want to stay with HIM. yet i stay as he is my only income right now...like so many women i'm sure.

[GinaRae]

Yes, it's considered abuse if the man (or woman) who makes the money does not allow the partner access. If you must ask for money and he controls it, it is abusive. If you have no way to go open your own account and he won't give you money to get the account and keep it open, it's abuse. It's often what an abuser does to control their partner and keep them from running off, etc..

What you can do is contact a local women's shelter. I don't know if those shelters would require you to actually be "battered" physically but there are various shelters and they may be able to help you find the right one. See if that works.

Anywhoo, move in there, and find a way home from there. Your daughter will go with you and you'll have access to counselors and action plans. Tell them straight up what your goals are and they will help you get there, even if it's a bus ticket to the women's shelter back home where THEY can help you.

http://www.womenslaw.org/MN/MN_links.htm
http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/MN.HTM

It's not easy, but you're a strong and capable woman who can do this if it's what you want to do. But it seems like he's toxic and it's getting worse. If he does pull thru for you, let him do it on YOUR turf and don't leave there again. You need to protect yourself.

[StacieM]

I really wouldn't have income either if I had to leave for whatever reason, BUT if it was THAT bad, I would do it. I would find a way for my kids and because I deserve better. So do YOU! There has to be someplace you can go - someone who can help. There's no way things are going to change if you stay where you are.

[GinaRae]

Same here, I wouldn't have much income without my husband. It's a scary thought, that's for sure. But abuse is abuse and it just doesn't seem to get better, it gets worse.

[*Lindsey*]

Oh, honey.

[yogachick79]

Oh hun. Leave, like Gina said, leave quickly... You still have time to get home, get things in order before this baby comes.

Reading this post alone (not others on him) made me think that. You obviously know that a LOT is wrong here, other wise you wouldn't be so worried about the last name, etc. Withholding money is aweful, and keeping you on a very tight leash which is not cool.

[chrysalis]

sigh......... :

[Shonahsmom]

I replied to your thread back in May where you talked about your fiance blowing up on your dd in the blended families forum.

I know that money is an issue. I know you will have to work so hard as a single mama to two kids. But the fact of the matter is, no matter how you paint this it is unacceptable. Totally, completely and utterly unacceptable.

I left my abusive ex with my (at the time) 6 month old infant. I stayed in a domestic violence shelter for a while. Then I lived with various family members. It was chaotic and painful and really, really hard but it got me to where I am today. When dd was about 11 months, I got a full time job. Before she was a year, we had our own place. I still managed to child-led wean and (she reverse cycled, nursing at night and having water and solids when she was away; she wouldn't touch EBM). We found a good daycare and got daycare assistance. We started making friends. I went to therapy (free through the DV shelter). I reclaimed a peaceful, non-violent, stable whole life.

Today I am a healthy, happy, whole woman with a healthy, happy whole seven-year-old dd. Life is good and so peaceful and full of love. It is the life my dd and I deserve.

And this year, after being the pickiest woman alive all these years when it came to men, I met the most wonderful man who is completely in sync with all of my AP/NFL/GD ways and treats me and my dd like the queens we are.

Life is good. I went through hell and high water and back again, but it is possible. It really is.

You do not have to have a long term plan in place. Figure out somewhere you can go for two weeks or a month and go and then start planning from there. I left with what I could carry and without a dollar to my name.You don't need things. Things come and go. Most of what I have now, even seven years later, is all stuff in very decent shape that others were getting rid of. All the logistics really don't matter right now. You just gotta go.

Go. Get out. Get some therapy and get your dd some therapy. I don't mean to be harsh about it, but she's going to need it. From the instances you described on this thread and the other thread, that little girl is being traumatized. Let me be clear: This is damaging your daughter. You are her mother and it is your job to protect her. She deserves to grow up in a household where neither she nor her mother are screamed at, cursed at and called names. It is not okay. Please, look deep down inside, think of all of the countless other women that sat there saying, "I can't leave" but then eventually left and they and their children are so much the better for it.

This is the model that will shape your dd's idea of what a partnership is. I know you don't want her in this same relationship 20 years from now.

If you need support or ideas or resources, please feel free to PM me.

Be well. I'll be thinking of you and your dd.

[yogachick79]

I just wanted to add how sorry I am that you are in this situation. I've been stuck in a bad, very verbally abusive relationship that was also physical on the rare occasion. It took several years of me thinking that I could change him before I gave up. The last straw was similar to what you described, when he screamed at me for almost an hour in the car in front of my then 3 yr old daughter... I left him shortly after that for good (had tried multiple times over those years). I am so glad that I did, I would have never met my husband, been stuck in an aweful relationship and modeled horribly for my daughter and her future relationships.

I can't imagine having to leave when you are carrying his child. DD's father fortunately never wanted anything to do with us and my abusive ex was not her father so that made it a lot easier...

[chrysalis]

ugh. ugh and ugh. this is why i left my ex...meghs bio father, who doesn't have anytihng to do w/ us thank goddess...he was verbally/emotionally abusive...he was a user, a liar a bully and so forth...tom masks it better most of the time but man when he blows, he blows...and it escalates. maybe next time i should tape record him. oh here i go again, like i did w/ my ex, thinking i better video tape it somehow, hide the camcorder so i can get him on tape insulting me and in front of the kids... why do i stay NOW. maybe cuz i know my mom won't bail me out so easily now...? i don't want to go to a womans shelter. ugh baby is thumping me. maybe its saying mama get OUT. you are right,....and i have told tom this...i do NOT want meghan's future lover(s) to model this!!! this SUCKS!!!!!

[Shonahsmom]

It does suck. It really does. It's unfair and you and your dd don't deserve it. But it's not a reason to stay.

I say this with all kindness: Do you think I or any woman who've gone to a shelter wanted to go the a shelter? Nobody wants to go to a shelter hon.

Two of the people I stayed with, I never imagined that they would give me a place to saty, but they did. There were terms and conditions that I agreed to, which felt humiliating and degrading in a lot of ways, but honestly, it was swallow-my-pride-time. Ask ourself which is worse: having to ask, possibly beg, for help and be reliant on others for a few monts or a year, or spending a lifetime or even one more minute of your daughter's and your lives being treated like this? That's up to you.

The shelter I stayed in had a lot of rules and felt really disempowering in a lot of ways. In many other ways it gave me a safe haven, a sanctuary to be able to breathe, rest, regroup and recoup a bit. It was also a beautiful old, enormous house. I had my own room and my own bathroom. It was clean and cheerful and I felt very safe. There are worse things.

Maybe start today by making some phone calls.

Call this number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Visit this website:

www.ncadv.org/

Call some friends or family, even if you are sure they would turn you down, and ask if they would be willing to have you for a few weeks. You might be suprised.

Take some steps. Please.

[Isaac'sMa]

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry you have to go through this, especially while pregnant. I haven't read the whole thread (sorry...at work) but I read your first post thoroughly and I think you should get out while the getting's good. Please do it soon for your safety and Megh's safety.

Could you squirrel away a little $ in the next few weeks so you have $ to get away? Overestimate how much you will spend at the grocery etc?

As far as a place to go, try looking at http://coabode.com/ or moving in with family if that's a possiblity. Or look at www.ic.org There are a lot of communities that you might be able to find on there that will put you up for a little while in a work exchange type of deal.

It sounds like after getting out of this relationship, you could benefit from some talk therapy since you said Megh's dad was the same way...I see a pattern...

[boogiemonster]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind to leave. Maybe if you had a little distance for a while you could clear your mind and assess the situation again. You could have some time to figure out what you want out of the relationship, what you're not getting, and whether he's capable of providing the things you need.

Do you have some family or friends you could stay with for a bit? Even if they're not in town. Since you're not working right now, it might be easier to get away for a while. Maybe that option will suit you better than a shelter.

[chrysalis]

yes i've thought of this...visiting my mom in central oregon...it would be very nice and i know i'd want to never leave there again. its gorgeous there...

as for tom, he just got home and first thing he does is hand megh some milk duds. he is all sweetness, saying he 'thought of her when he stopped at the gas station and saw them...'.

[sorteep]

typical abuse, remorse cycle...... no matter HOW nice they are AFTER they abuse you and your DD it is still abuse, run run run, hard, fast and don't look back.. sorry (I got out , you can too..) many hugs we're here for you, I see NO excuse for even ONE mentally or verbally abusive bout directed at a child let alone you too ......................RUN

[StacieM]

about the name thing - I would do what you said....baby would have MY last name too. About the shelter, if I had no other choice...I would go. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to take care of yourself and your children. Your point about your DDs relationships is DEFINITELY spot on - if this is all she sees, she's going to think it's fine for a man to treat her like that. If you wouldn't want your DD to be treated the way that you are being treated...that's one good indicator that you DO deserve better and this ISN'T for you.

But it's VERY hard! We all know you can do the right thing....maybe your mom wouldn't be so happy about bailing you out, but you never know, maybe she would do what she needed to so that you and her granddaughter are in a better place?