Dh "gave in" to homebirth, but isn't happy about it

[Amila]

So I am not even pregnant yet, but DH and I have been discussing homebirth. I am 99% sure it is what I want. he does not feel comfortable with it. I have shown him the stats, given him articles and books to read- none of it makes him feel better. He would prefer a hospital birth. But he pretty much knows I get what I want after wearing him down long enough So he pretty much assumes we will have a homebirth and he will just suck it up. This isn't fair to him, but a hospital birth isn't fair to me either. How do we decide?

[greenmagick]

IMO - you decide by the fact that you are the one having the baby. Yes, it is his child too, but YOU are the one giving birth and need to be in control of that aspect.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Mom decides. You have to give birth; he only has to stand there and not screw things up. That's harsh, and not always true, but that's all he HAS to do (fwiw, my husband was awesome during both my births, and they certainly can be if they want to be).

Homebirth is statistically at least as safe as hospital birth. He needs to make an effort to become okay with it. He needs to recognize he is culturally brainwashed, and reacting emotionally. He needs to look at the facts.

[KBinSATX]

I think it should be a decision made by both parents. I had a homebirth. DH was worried about it. He's not just some sperm donor to me. I need him to be comfortable with whatever we decide in regards to our family. Plus I needed his support and confidence during the birth so telling him that I am having the baby and I get to decide and 'too bad, so sad' - his opinion didn't matter would have been so wrong for our family and our relationship.
What changed his mind was getting reliable info and most importantly we really clicked with our midwives (had interviewed somebody else first but didn't feel that comfortable with her). It was our midwives that really made the difference for him to be more at ease with it.
When you get pregnant (or maybe even before) set up a few interviews with midwives and let him ask the tough questions. Prepare a list, etc. I bet it will make a difference.

[nova22]

I agree completely with the above poster. If your DH is not comfortable with it, it might be more difficult for both of you. I think it's a great idea to do some preliminary interviews with midwives, and allow him to have a lot of 'floor time' to ask whatever questions he may have.

[rere]

My husband is definately more than a sperm donor,but only I get to choose who's up in my vagina.

If my husband wanted to choose where to have a baby he should have been born a girl.He gets to pee standing up and I get to chose where to birth.

But seriously I agree that is a better situation to have a partner who is supportive but frankly the decision is all mama's.I'm all for educating partners to get them to realize what a great choice it is.But I wouldn't worry about being fair.It's not fair for a partner to expect a woman to be exposed to unnecassary stress and trauma because they're not comfortable.It's not fair to try and decide for someone else who is going to be in their vagina.

[greenmagick]

Oh, I definitely dont think that a husband is just a sperm donor, but when it comes down to who makes the final decision, I think it needs to be the mom. She should obviously treat her husband with respect and hear and address his concerns but ultimately, it is her decision. (and this is obviously what is happening w/ the OP, they are having discussions about it )

I feel the same about something like a vasectomy....both husband and wife have input, but in the end as it is "his" body, he makes the final call. (Yes, I realize different situation as in this case there is no child, but I just used it for comparison.)

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Yes, exactly. I would NOT have a hospital birth again. If my husband were uncomfortable with homebirth, I would try very hard to get him comfortable. If he were very uncomfortable still, I'd give him lots of tasks, maybe even have him take the older child out when active labor kicked in to get him out of the way. Not ideal, but IMO better than going to the hospital.

[andreac]

Honestly, I wouldn't worry that much more about it until you get pregnant. If he's even a little agreeable, most likely meeting a midwife will put most of his fears at rest. I think until they meet a "real" midwife, it's too abstract and it's too easy to just think they're going to be some "untrained hippy" who likes to catch babies. If he's still really unsure after meeting and discussing his concerns with a midwife...then it might be time to worry or discuss a compromise, such as a birth center (if that would be agreeable to you). Ultimately, I absolutely believe that it's the woman's decision, but I wouldn't buy yourself too much trouble if you don't need to. At least he'll agree to meeting with a midwife. That's more than many!

[DoomaYula]

Well I think you're over the hurdle once he gives in. He's already willing to do it (if grudgingly for now) and by the time yo're pregnant and start prenatals, he'll be more into it.

My dh didn't really care -- well, he CARES, but I think he realized he would get no peace in his life til he just accepted that this is how it's going to be.

[boobyjuicex3]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

Well I think you're over the hurdle once he gives in. He's already willing to do it (if grudgingly for now) and by the time yo're pregnant and start prenatals, he'll be more into it.

My dh didn't really care -- well, he CARES, but I think he realized he would get no peace in his life til he just accepted that this is how it's going to be.

:

[ralphie76]

Originally Posted by YumaDoula

Well I think you're over the hurdle once he gives in. He's already willing to do it (if grudgingly for now) and by the time yo're pregnant and start prenatals, he'll be more into it.

My dh didn't really care -- well, he CARES, but I think he realized he would get no peace in his life til he just accepted that this is how it's going to be.

Me too! I really feel that you can be happy that he's "given in" (I joke the same about my DH). Over time, as he's come to realize that there is really no other option, he's gotten much more open to it. I figure once he starts going to prenatals and the baby is more than just a concept, he'll be even more into it. I don't expect that my DH will ever be as passionate about it as I am, but I consider myself lucky that he's given in!

[turtlewomyn]

I wanted a homebirth for the first one, DH did not. Granted, I did not do the research and show him the stats on it being as safe (if not safer) than the hospital. So, we compromised and chose a CNM in the hospital. I ended up with an unnecessary c-section.
I have basically told my husband that I will not go to the hospital next time unless it is medically necessary. He is still hesitant, but yes, I am slowly wearing him down. When he says things like "But I didn't even want you to homebirth last time." I say "And look what happened" and that pretty much shuts him up.
Have you interviewed homebirth midwives yet? Perhaps meeting with a midwife (I am assuming you aren't doing UC as you posted this in homebirth but I could be wrong) will help deal with some of his issues about it. She can talk about what she does do in the event of an emergency, what tools she has on hand (oxygen, pit, etc.) to deal with problems as they arise. Also, hearing her stats might be good (I have attended x births, x ended up in hospital transfer, etc.)

[Monkeybutt]

NAK

When we first started Dh was not into my home birth idea. But after doing his research and talking to our midwife and finally having a home birth. He wouldn't have it any other way.

[Nan'sMom]

Can you bring him in to talk to your mw? This helped a LOT for us. For our second birth, I gave dh a list of questions he might be concerned about to discuss with the mw and I left the room so he wouldn't feel hindered in discussing it (and also because I'd thought them through already and didn't want to spend my pregnancy dwelling on the negative "what ifs".

[cornpicker]

My DH also "gave in." He said he supported my decision, but would make the occasional snippy remark or comment like I "get my way" with everything on this birth. (I'm thinking, hey, when you are ready to push a baby out of your vagina and want to do it in the biggest shiniest hospital, be my guest.) I'm sure it was just general discomfort with homebirth as hospital births are the norm in our culture and all of that. Anyway, in the past 6 months, he has grown completely comfortable with it, just through time and talking to others and me and reading and coming to my MW appointments. Now he says how much he likes and trusts our MW and how he isn't worried about the birth at all.

I hope your DH will come around more fully, too. Good luck!

[panda]

Time makes a big difference. We were in the same spot a year or so before getting pregnant. By the time we were expecting DH was talking to everyone about homebirth like it was all his idea. He is great. Honestly, I was skeptical of homebirth for a long time, too, when I was younger. Mainstream culture is a powerful thing. I agree that meeting midwives and talking to people who've had homebirths in real life went a long way towards normalizing the concept for both of us.

I don't think hospital birth needs to be the default, though. Why should you have to convince him? Maybe he should be doing the research?

[yogamama2]

When I first mentioned homebirth (a while ago!) my dh said no way, and this was after an amazing birthcenter birth. We talked, I read, he read, then he said he'd go with me to meet the hb midwives. When we left (after speaking with them for 2 hours!) he said we should get pregnant right away - he was so excited about having a homebirth! We've been living with the decision for almost a year (just started ttc #3 a few months ago) and now he can't imagine not choosing it. It took some time, but a lot of our "alternative" decisions about parenting have taken him time to take in, adjust to, then accept. We are now all vegetarian, cloth diaper, co-sleep and our next will be homebirthed. Sometimes dh's just need more time to live with these ideas in their heads first - especially if it is completely opposite of the way they were raised (like it is for mine - you can imagine how my mil feels about it all!). Give him time to live with it, and let him meet the midwives - makes all the difference!

[clancybaby]

A lot of men need time to get their heads around things outside the mainstream. Mine certainly did (with cloth diapers, homebirth, food choices etc). Mainstream in our society (I'm in the US) has this incorrect assumption that hospitals are safe places for birth and it is likely the only concept of birth that your husband has any frame of reference for. You need to figure out what you feel works for you, and I'd save that decision for when you're pregnant, and then help him along so that he changes his frame.

You've seen the stats and the articles and whatever and its quite meaningful when you consider how it affects YOUR body and how birth will be for YOU, but he's likely to need input from an outside source from you to get past his confusion. When the time comes I'd find a good midwife, one you know and like, and get him to a meeting with her so that she can help him with his learning curve.

My husband fought with me all the way to our interview appt with the homebirth midwife we eventually decided to go with. I told him to take all of his nonsense and questions (some of which were really good questions but that he didn't need to be harassing me about) to the midwife. It made for a great interview. She was wonderful and handled everything he asked her and just made a huge difference. On the way out he was in a totally different place and is now supportive of my choice, understands the reasoning, values my choice, and isn't scared or worried (any greater than he would be otherwise - he is a worrier).

I agree with others that it is a decision that the mama needs to make, but I'd rather have a supportive spouse who will be comfortable and help me do this birth thing at home. I rely on him in times when I am too tired or too emotional to make good decisions. Labor is a time when I am likely to need his strength and I want him there with me physically and mentally for the good of our two little ones on the way.

So, the doubters can be converted and I think its well worth it. I wasn't going to do this one any other way but its certainly great to have him on my side.
Good luck to you.

[AlexisT]

I would try to get him on-side. If a partner is genuinely unsupportive of homebirth, it may make for a worse birth environment and experience, which rather defeats the point.

I think that reading articles, etc may not be enough for your DH--he may need to meet the midwife so he can be assured that yes, she is competent and will take good care of you.