keeping preteens and teens safe....

[kathymuggle]

from making poor choices (um...lousy friends, petty crime, choosing to get lousy marks, ect). How do you do it?

Let's share tips and ideas....:

Kathy

[Arduinna]

It starts when they are little kids. You respect and value their feelings and opinions, you give them as much decision making power as is safe and age appropriate so that when they get older they know who they are ( since they have been encouraged to think about it and explore it) and they have the personal power to be themselves.

Respecting them is the foundation of them respecting themselves and others.

Mom to a terrific 17 year old daughter.

[kathymuggle]

I was having a conversation IRL, the other day. Ideas included:

-some teens have a need for excitement. Offer safe outlets for this excitement - sports, horseback riding, laser tag, ect, so they do not try to meet this need in non-safe ways

-Use community (grandparents, friends) as much as possible to help keep kids safe. This way they can experience independance away from parents, but still under a trusted persons watchful eye.

Someone suggested keeping them very busy - but i do not know - that can create an appetite for "busyness" that makes it hard for them to know how to self entertain later on.

[orangefoot]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

It starts when they are little kids. You respect and value their feelings and opinions, you give them as much decision making power as is safe and age appropriate so that when they get older they know who they are ( since they have been encouraged to think about it and explore it) and they have the personal power to be themselves.

Respecting them is the foundation of them respecting themselves and others.

This is it for me too. I hope that what we invested in our children when they were little and have built on since will stand them in good stead as they grow.

Our ds1 is 14 and so far faring well in life and although I can't say I have no fears for him, we trust him and empower him and hope that he will come to us when he needs us.

[^guest^]

Lousy friends, I don't know. It happens to all of us. You meet a person, you think they're nice, you want to hang out with them, and as time goes on their true nature becomes apparent. You just have to teach (and lead by example) your kids that some people are not worth being in a personal relationship with. All kids run the chance of picking lousy friends - but it's the insecure kids that just want someone to hang around with that end up keeping them.

Petty crime...that kind of goes along with lousy friends. Most kids who are raised in a respectful, loving home where their needs are met aren't likely to just think one day, "hey, I'm gonna go steal some jewelry from walmart." They're more likely with someone who gives them the idea, or a group of people who think it's cool. And frankly I think a LOT of kids go through a stealing petty junk phase when they're preteens and teens, because we live in a consumer driven society, and a lot of them have no money. Helping them to not get caught up in the media frenzy to BUY BUY BUY can help stem the urge to steal what they cannot afford. Also giving them reasonable ideas and suggestions on how to earn money to buy the things they want (mowing lawns, baby sitting, doing things around the house that they aren't normally expected to do)

Choosing to get lousy grades..that's a tough one because there can be SO many reasons for it. Maybe your child is more interested in sports than school. Make sure it's understood that they have to keep their grades above a certain average to stay in their chosen sport (this is usually a school rule as well). Give them any and all help they need. Maybe they are having trouble and don't want to come out and say, "I don't get it." because they'll feel dumb. And maybe they're gifted. I know, sounds wierd, but hear me out. I was in the gifted programs in school, all throughout k-6. After a while, I hated it. It singled me out from the other kids. I had 2x the homework the regular kids had. I didn't have time for friends because I was so busy with school..and this is at 8 years old! So I faked being stupid. I just didn't care. People hated me when I was smart, but when I was in regular class, and started acting like a troublemaker, people loved me. Smart and insecure are a bad combination.

[oldgirl,newtricks]

I believe kids who are actively involved in a variety of activities do better. A balance of chores at home, things like sports and Scouts. Families who do activities together help also.

Kids gravitate to unhealthy things when they have too much time on their hands. I'm not saying keep busy, just to keep busy. But if time isn't filled in meaningful ways, they will fill it with less desirable things.

My 13 yo has been doing his own laundry since he was 10 (same with my grown son.) He has responsibilities around the house. Help cooking meals and cleaning up. Mowing grass in the summer. We encourage him to mow neighbor's lawns for money.

He has responsibilities at school by participating in a couple of clubs and taking classes which he feels challenge him. We don't focus on grades, but the end result is that HE has decided he wants to do well since it's a reflection on HIM. Scouts weekly, Irish dancing classes and competitions. Hobbies that can be done alone. Activities that he usually does with one parent, like hitting golf balls with dad.

There isn't an emphasis on any one area, but more of a well rounded approach works for us. We don't believe that teens need to be out at all hours. He occasionally goes to the mall, but it isn't an everyday thing to just go "hang out."

[Alkenny]

I don't know if there is any way to KEEP them SAFE...safe from what? Everything is a learning experience, and if you forbid something or even offer advice, it doesn't mean they're going to follow suit. You have to give them the freedom and trust to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. JMO

[Susie1]

Originally Posted by Alkenny

I don't know if there is any way to KEEP them SAFE...safe from what? Everything is a learning experience, and if you forbid something or even offer advice, it doesn't mean they're going to follow suit. You have to give them the freedom and trust to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. JMO

Yes. But easier said than done. It is not difficult to go beyond sharing what your best ideas are into the nag and control territory. This is where I find it really challenging to find that line.

I am not sure it is healthy to keep kids busy-busy, although I understand why parents feel like their kids are "safer" that way. It gives them an illusion of control. I know of teens who are up at 8 am for their summer job; off to football practice in the afternoon; and then have summer homework to do for their fall classes. Not sure this is balanced, but parents believe it leaves them little time to do whatever it is the parents are afraid kids with free time will do.

I remember having so much unstructured play time. Especially during summers and I was safe. There was a risk factor in being exposed to smoking and drinking, but I really did not start these activities full force until I got to college.

Back to the OT. Seems the question was more what to do once kids are making poor choices (in parent opinion). I have a couple of ideas. Especially in relation to making poor grades in school. Maybe they'd rather explore alternatives to traditional schooling. There are so many great options. As far as lousy friends, this seems territory that may be partially off-limits to parents. In respectful relationships, we can offer our best ideas and opinions, but it is not respectful to dictate who our kids can and cannot be friends with. We can offer opportunities to teens for spending more time with good friends by planning a camping trip and inviting good family friends along. It solidifies those important, healthy relationships. Even going out of town to visit cousins, family, friends that have not been seen for a while. Just serves to remind teen of all of the wonderful people in hir life. Hard one though. I am unclear what is meant by petty crime. Do you mean potsmoking or staying out past curfew or something more serious?

[Arduinna]

IME kids don't need to be kept constantly busy with activities to keep out of trouble. Kids that aren't interested in trouble won't seek it out, even if they have lots of free time.

[kathymuggle]

"Do you mean potsmoking or staying out past curfew or something more serious?"

I meant common slippery-slope stuff teenagers sometimes do: like vanadalism, pot smoking, etc.

Thanks for the replies so far! I do like the "keep them busy" versus "that's not necessary" debate. Perhaps, like everything else, it has to be individualised to suit the needs of the youth. Hopefully the youth will know that for him/herself and adjust his or her life acordingly.

Kathy