How to help new fathers:

[OpenAppleDad]

I'm in the process of creating a class for new fathers for a local natural family living organization, and I wanted to get some input from current fathers.

What would have helped you to know as a new father (0-12 months)? I know I learned a lot in that first year of my child's life, and I'd like to pass it on to some new dads.

Possible topics:
-Bonding
-Soothing
-Support of Mother
-Money
-Masculinity Issues
-Practical Issues (diapering, swaddling, slinging)

Thanks!

[Beat]

Here's a couple

I was so afraid of breaking my new son that I wouldn't move when I held him. Teach new fathers that newborns a tougher than they think. Tips on helping newborns sleep are priceless.

[ShaggyDaddy]

Make the nursing mama food! If you can't make anything, you need to learn to make something good that she loves BEFORE she is nursing.

Get a giant cup/mug for water for the nursing mama and keep it full.

I recommend going shirtless with a newborn, they love that skin to skin, and it helps keep them snuggly warm (I didn't wear a shirt for the first 3 weeks of DS's life and 2 weeks with DD )

Don't take the baby out of mama's sight for the first several days, and even after that, tell her first. Mamas need to see their new babies.

Hold the baby as much as mama and he/she will let you.

Change as many diapers as you can, once you go back to work, assume diaper duty as soon as you get home each day.

[Beat]

I thought of more

Future dad should know who will be allowed in the room after birth and during birth before hand. The mom's are going to need their rest and it's usually Dad's job to chaperone.

Be there. I don't like the birth process but I was there. I held my wife's hand and looked at the floor, but I was there. Plus seeing your child when they first enter the world is amazing. I've cried twice in ages. I have two sons.

Take time off of work.

For both parents, something to consider- Don't reveal names you have picked to anyone. People tend to criticize names you have picked (the guy who named his kid Marvel knows what I'm talking about) and you start second guessing yourself. You are the parents and others need to respect that. Problem is some don't but it's too late when the name you've chosen is on paper. We named our son Grey. I don't think it's odd at all but I know many who do. Too bad they couldn't have mentioned it beforehand.

[Jeanne D'Arc]

I just want to stop off here for a second and commend the wonderful fathers on this forum. Mammas can be underappreciated but daddies can too!

Good job guys! We need more MEN out there like you !

[OpenAppleDad]

Thanks for the great suggestions guys. A couple were already in my mind, but most of what you had to say wouldn't have had a chance to be in the class without your help.

[Blue Belle]

Oh how I wish I could send DP to your lovely class! I think he would love some male support/camaraderie in this area! Kudos to you for initiating it!

[Tata]

Never ever put your job/work before your family and especially the needs of your children. Yes, it is fearfull to have to say no to your superior/supervisor. Yes, you may even lose your job. But, children need YOU more than they need anything else. And, any job/work that won't see that does NOT deserve to exist. Does not desreve you. Don't ever sell the needs of your children for a buck. To quote a dad in Rad Dad, on your death bed you won't be saying that you wished you worked more overtime. Your kids want you around. Be there for them. A co-worker of mine once said, you can get a second job to afford day care, never see your kid and still be broke. Or, you can just be broke and see your kid. If you have to make that kind of choice, choose the later. Your kids will hug you for it. Make adjustments in your schedual. Work less - be home more. Mama will appreciate it. The kid(s) will appreciate it. When they are older and more independent, then go back to your grind. But, no matter what, make sure those first memories are of you in their lives and not an empty hole.

[MahBearRI]

Possibly discuss how he could have an active roll in the birthing.

My DH has been studying pressure-points to relieve back labor, nausea, ect....as well as practicing belly massaging, and foot reflexology.

He also has been working on coming up with mantras/affirmations of his own to help me with visulization and relaxation. (I think this is so sweet because he won't share them with me - he's saving them for the birth)

He love to read Ina May Gaskin's books with me - and once in a while we'll read a couple of birthing stories together because it helps us to remember that we created this together, and we will birth together, and we will help our child to grow together.

All of the above have helped him to feel as though he is not just a by-stander letting me do the work...but helping him to see how important he is.

He has a daughter with another woman that excluded him from everything throughout the pg and birth and raising of his DD - we are changing the notion that he had that he is unimportant....

[imilian]

delivery

After labor I was convinced that our birth plan was an unnecessary contrivance. It's good to do your research and know what to expect, but "plans" seem to imply control. Yes, you can fend off a narco-happy nurse with it, but when it comes down to it, this thing you're going through has its own agenda. Just establish a positive relationship with your nurse, make sure they get you and mom. If one of them rubs her the wrong way, man-up and talk to the head nurse. nothing like an incompatible nurse to start laboring women panicking.

Also, don't get too swept up in the medical industrial complex complex. It's fine for some but I've heard so too many stories first hand of home/water births going wrong, water breaking way before comtractions, milk never letting down... Keep in mind that the "alterna" birthing practices celebrated here are the ideal, not the only way. An unintended effect of a lot of this advocacy is a crushing feeling of guilt when bodies don't perform like they're "supposed" to.

[papa de angel]

Great thread!

To new dads: Be supportive, then some. Open your heart, this is what it's all about. Watch your partner, identify with her, feel the motherhood flowing through her, there is nothing more profound in a human's life.
As for masculinity issues, be prepared to deal with womb envy (Freud had it wrong ).

[Greg B]

Help them prepare for dealing with lack of sleep, stress, and loss of down time. Taking time off from work is important. They should (IMHO) plan to spend a lot more time than they expect doing things for their child and wife. They should prepare themselves to be proactive, and not wait until she asks.

Did I mention lack of sleep?

Regards

[papa de angel]

After some more thought and reading other posts:

Tata, your post brought tears to my eyes. Well said.

As for helping newborns sleep, my only "tip" would be to just let mother and child be together as nature intended.

My stepdaughter was 14 when DD was born and lived through the whole thing, moment of birth included. The two sisters are of different fathers and ethnicity, but close as can be, so if you have any stepchildren, try to get them involved right from the beginning. This, of course, would apply to any other children, step or not.

I heard a father say years ago that his wife once had a cute figure which two pregnancies had conspired to "ruin". I had not experienced parenthood myself at the time, but remember thinking that wasn't fair (to put it mildly). Now, I think of it as extremely sad and cannot conceive how a man can "see" his wife with those eyes after sharing such an experience.
If a relationship was previously based on strong sexual attraction (hopefully with something else waiting in the wings) and a newbie father is having difficulty adapting to this new reality, I would suggest becoming acquainted with Tantric interpersonal philosophy (not "just" neo-Tantric sexual mechanics). Here's maybe a good starting point:
http://www.amazon.com/Tantra-Conscio.../dp/0916515869

Be supportive, open your heart. Did I say that already?

[rayner]

dads watch out for the fear, fight or flight syndrome. this is an instinctive response, largely unconscious and not easy to spot. her pupils will dilate, openwider, her pulse will quicken and contractions will often cease. your beloved will often go quiet and withdrawn. the primary cause of failure to progress.

if this happens get everyone out of the room and get her to beat a pillow for about twenty minutes or so. once the adrenaline has been discharged labour will resume and contractions will come in full and powerful. i am here assuming that your beloved has been checked and is in good health. if not then follow the instructions of the experts.

fear, fight or flight reaction is an ancient survival mechanism designed to help a labouring mother flee or fight off a predator. unfortunately a midwife, physician or a birth attendent can trigger this reaction as can a relative who may have unresolved issues that have not been ventilated and as a labouring mother is hyper sensative this can also trigger this reaction.

dr. grantly dick-read wrote an excellent book about the physiology involved. i think the book is called child birth without fear. pub in 1950 i know that professor michel odent has written an excellent foreword. his website by the way has a lot of research materials on it. you will find it in google. an excellent site.

if you want to read more about my research on child birth and failure to progress go to raynergarner.com
rayner

[mamabeca]

I think getting over stereotypes is a hurdle for some guys. They can find themselves on the back end of jokes and stuff, and it's important for all guys to feel important and included, so that they can shrug off that stuff and not feel they need to demonstrate anything more than their own happiness.

Sharing bonding w/mama and babe is so important. Skin to skin, lots of rocking, swinging/slinging, etc. to get baby to sleep sans mama is huuuuge. Figuring out what works when you don't have milk in your breast is a major leap for mankind!

ITA w/Papa, letting the mama know how incredible, strong, beautiful and womanly they are throughout those first (sometiems kinda ugly) three months or so is very very important. Loooots of support during that window will get you both through the next 30 yrs much more happily.

[AlpineMama]

Without reading the above posts... please stress that their wives/partners are NOT just being big wussies for the first couple of weeks recovering from labor. I know that should be common knowledge, but whenever I told my (otherwise supportive) husband that I needed something, he'd groan and roll his eyes, and tell me I could just get the glass of water or whatever myself. When I was literally in pain from moving! He had never been around a woman who just gave birth and he thought I was just trying to be lazy because there was nothing visibly wrong with me and I wasn't pregnant anymore, so automatically I have to be back to 100% right away, huh? For example I'd hear "I thought you said once you weren't pregnant and sick anymore you'd go shopping / cook dinner / clean the kitchen" etc. Come on! It's been like three days, I'm trying to breastfeed, I'm still in pain, movement makes me sick, I am NOT going to cook you a three course meal, you can do that for me for once!

Sorry, I'm not bitter.

[myrrhmaid]

The boobs are the babe's, unless invited, of course!
LOVE her mama body!
Open to the miracle.
Also let them know if they have unresolved grief from childhood, lack of validation of their own precious being from parents, a great loss will be felt. The same with a man who is circ'd and doesn't circ his child. There will be grief there too. Don't let this detract from the miracle right in front of him.

As for masculinity issues, be prepared to deal with womb envy (Freud had it wrong ).

AMEN! (Or is it AWOMEN!?)

[Red Gump]

when my MS had our son, I brought them home and did everything I could to keep the house QUIET. let her get some sleep! and if you're breast feeding, encourage her to rest when possible and stay hydrated.

[JamieCatheryn]

While dads should step up and help, DH had to keep in mind it was normal for our son to be all about momma for the first 9 months of his life and that it wasn't anything against him.

He was pleased to learn that babies hardly cost anything if you leave out the useless stuff many people buy and mom breastfeeds saving on formula and health problem costs. Looking back, if we bought only what was useful it would have been under $1000 the first year for everything, clothes, diapers, food, sling, nursing bras, blankets, carseat, toys. A lot of that could be shower gifts too.

When he had to put DS down as a baby, swaddling him in a blanket and walking with him usually helped in time. Baby cried for a while first but in arms while being tended to that can be ok. But if mom's available, willing, and able to do it without as much fuss, do NOT wrest baby away to give her a break. Momma animal instincts can kick in.

[Carlyle]

I imagine that you might want to talk about post-partem sex if that's appropriate. I know that many new dads feel rejected by their spouse in the first months, so it can help to be prepared for a dip in your dp's sex drive and know that it's not YOU! Also talking about taking it slow and "wooing" your woman again can help make it so that you get things started up again sooner (and all of hte great suggestions on taking care of the new mommy are fabulous). A little romance/cooking dinner/foot rub/etc can go a long way under normal circumstances, but were crucial for me in those first months! It takes a while to get over the fact that the last thing "in there" was a baby!