Do you ever feel like an outcast?

[squeakermansmom]

Feeling kinda down tonight......ds and I went out with a bunch of old high school friends and their kids tonight. We had a nice time, but i always feel like the "weird" one for doing the AP thing. I know its the right thing to do for our family, but sometimes it feels like dh and i are the only ones who know what ap even is (unless i hang out here of course). anyone else experience this?

[neveryoumindthere]

*

[captain optimism]

I just want to say that, "It's okay, she likes it in there" is a GREAT response.
Kudos to you for the gentle, respectful way you are standing your ground.

[callmemama]

You are not alone! Count me in But when I'm feeling down, I try to remember that I'm doing what's right for MY child.

btw - I didn't start cloth-diapering until ds was 16 months ... make sure you get the really heavy diapers, not the ones they sell in the stores around here!!

[BathrobeGoddess]

I feel like an outcast sometimes, too. I am sure I will really feel it when I have another baby! My in-laws are nosey and "normal." The vax thing is going to kill them since my FIL had polio as a child. Oh well. My dd is 8 and people still think our relationship is wacky. Mostly my oldest friends. My best friend from high school has 4 kids and dd and I spend time with her two eldest on a regular basis. They think dd is really lucky she has never been spanked or smacked. My BF also thinks I talk to dd too much: whatever that means.
I feel really lucky that dd goes to a very AP friendly school.

[comet]

I've come to the conclusion that most people feel weird/outcast for one thing or another. You may feel outcast for being AP (and I do too, sometimes), but someone else may feel out of place for having a job that is non-traditional (say, a woman firefighter), or someone else may still feel out of place for having recently moved to the state or country.

I do sometimes get "looks" when people find out we're still nursing or she sleeps with me, but I'm just using it as a chance to stand up for myself and not cower (sp?) like I used to.

[squeakermansmom]

thanks so much for all the great responses. i always feel better when i come to MDC. it's like home. i admit too - even before i had a child and started doing the AP thing i was always a little different. kinda crunchy, i guess. but to our family it just makes sense. i know it shouldn't matter what other people think, but it definitely helps to be around other moms who practice AP.

[Susana]

I am the outcast when I am with my girlfriends from school (we don't get together often, like twice a year since everyone is so scattered about).
I remember when my kids were babies, the girlfriends and their husbands ALL gave me the regular dumb advice that we all hear. Of course, I couldn't have cared less what they thought we should do with our kids. I knew I was doing it right!
Nowadays when we get together they are impressed with my children. My kids are well-adjusted and still love me and their dad, even though they are at those ages when mom and dad aren't so cool to be seen with anymore.
I like being the outcast, I have to say! I wouldn't have it any other way.
Be proud of who you are and how you are raising your baby. AP is SO WORTH it.

[candiland]

Well, I guess I'm lucky in a sense, because all of my girlfriends who have children pretty much believe in and do the things I do. I was the first person amongst my immediate girlfriends to have kids, so we really kinda drifted apart for a while. I realized I had to sink or swim, so I met a few other likeminded mommas at a La Leche League group, then met some of their close friends, and so forth... another woman I'm good friends with I met by doula'ing at her homebirth... so we have monthly womans circles where we drink wine and discuss a topic, such as transformation, or ego, or meditation, or whatever it is we choose. I'm glad I started these woman's circles because there aren't too many of us who live alternatively, so it's pretty wild that all of us, for the most part, are homebirthing, nursing, AP mamas...
Have you thought about starting something like that? It really helps alleviate a lot of the stress of being an "outcast" when all of your buddies are "outcasts", too!

[eilonwy]

I'd love to join a group like that, but i don't think i could start one.. I just don't know that many people.

All my life i've been an outcast, and very proud of it, so it's all good. when i tell my mother that i plan to nurse for at least two years, she says "you'll nurse until he's done, that's all". she's the one who really urged me to try cloth diapers in the first place, and she and my sister both laughed at me when i said i wanted a bassinet for the baby. my sister bought me one (second hand from our brother, who had never used it for his own son!), and even put it together because "it'll hold toys, at least". mom said "you can believe whatever you want, but that baby will be in your bed by the time he's 3 weeks old".. and so he was.

I'm not really a crunchy person, and I don't think my mom or sister consider themselves crunchy either, but my parenting style is, as most of my life "do the right thing". Eli sleeps best with me, so that's what we do. i know he'd have lots of problems if he had formula, and i'd have to spend money i don't have, so we nurse. when he wants mamma, i carry him and when he wants to play i let him crawl around. we do the right thing, which is only logical.

my MIL is all in favor of breastfeeding, but i think she was a little surprised about some of the things we do. even so, as she puts it "you're obviously doing it right because he loves you very much and he's doing very well". so it's all good

if anyone else ever says anything, i usually explain to them some nifty fact i've discovered along the way. i'm a total nerd, and people have always accepted my advice and thoughts because i tend to research just about everything i do very thoroughly. i suppose that works to my advantage: because i sound like i know what i'm talking about, people don't question me too often unless they're honestly looking to learn something. that, and i have a very easy going child, so it's very easy to see that things are right in his world. it might be harder for me if he was very high needs all the time. i really feel for you mamma's of high needs babies!

(sorry so rambly, sak! :LOL)

[puppytails]

this post is very appropriate for me!!! after a 4th of july party we went to yesterday with all of our friends (all of the friends we had pre-parenting days), dh and i felt like outcasts. The one couple my dh has been friends with for 20+ years actually grabbed their son by the NECK to stop him from misbehaving and they wonder why he is violent with other children???? anyway, it was a fiasco. thankfully we have 2 couples we're friends with that ARE ap and another couple that is close enough to ap for us to get along with them...

[chrissy]

I can totally relate to feeling like an outcast around other parents. My dh and I moved here after school and none of our good friends live near us. Actually none of our good friends even have kids yet. Now we live in a neighborhood where there are tons of young families and sahm's but I don't think anybody has heard of AP. We have some friends we play with during the day but I know they all think I'm weird.

However, I have recently met a MDC mom who lives close by and our kids are the same age and we're having lots of fun together! I am so grateful to have someone to talk about important parenting things with IRL.

Also candiland,

so we have monthly womans circles where we drink wine and discuss a topic, such as transformation, or ego, or meditation, or whatever it is we choose.

that sounds awesome! I wish I lived near you so I could join.

[Piglet68]

Originally posted by eilonwy
...if anyone else ever says anything, i usually explain to them some nifty fact i've discovered along the way. i'm a total nerd, and people have always accepted my advice and thoughts because i tend to research just about everything i do very thoroughly.....and i have a very easy going child, so it's very easy to see that things are right in his world. it might be harder for me if he was very high needs all the time. i really feel for you mamma's of high needs babies!

That's me too, in a nutshell. I just had to quote b/c it was so ME TOO!

[mama_kass]

PROUD to be the outcast!

[PM]

Expatriates here always make me feel like I'm trying to act like the best mom in the world when I talk about my choices. I don't talk much about them anymore. The things the expat moms (American, Swiss, German) here do simply astound me - and I mean ASTOUND me! But I wouldn't have anyone left to talk to if I started getting too nitpicky about who I hang with, ya know?

[TEAK's Mom]

Count me in! I've always been the person that people turn to for information, but lately I seem to have trouble meeting people. I do have a number of good friends, but they are mostly far away and I can't seem to make other mama friends. I know that there are other ap families here, but I don't know how to make the connections. Part of the problem is that I work part time in the mornings. All of the local activities for kids are in the mornings, so I'm never in a place to casually meet other moms.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Boy am I lucky!

Although not everyone around me does the same thing (and I'm a selectively AP-ing mother), I'm generally in the "mainstream" around here. I think it has something to do with living in So. CA, where we are all "flakes and nuts!" Although it doesn't help you, thanks for the reminder that I should count my blessings.

[kamalani]

Those who are cast out from one group simply re-organize and create a new one. Since there are so many of us, we must not be outcasts, just different from certain others.

I was once excluded from a mom and baby group because I nursed my toddler, much to the horror of the other moms. What really hurt was that they planned things without me, but no one ever had the courage to tell me why I wasn't included. I just had to figure it out.

[ksn]

Talk about wierd

While I read with interest that most of you are feeling yourself wierd, I find that AT LEAST, most of your friends are already parents!

I am not an early starter with kids on the average age basis (had elder boy when I was 27) but yet, my friends around me - both guys and gals - don't seem to even want to get married now.

I am turning 30 this year and have given birth to me second son just last month. I feel totally out of place. No one around me have children, including my closest peer friends. I feel totally wierd having to be the only one chasing my kids during dinner while the rest talk about career, work, shopping, spas, etc.

Me? I am now a SAHM after having struggled with my career and kids. With little support and more importantly, a strong feeling of wanting to be hands-on mom, I simply cannot do anything well if I have a demanding career and at the same time, kids.

I am much happier now without work (and a career) but sigh... when will my friends ever become parents? I feel so lonely.

Some of them are still talking about stablising a relationship! Some are still dating.... while others are still talking about wedding preparations for 2 years later!!!

I feel so so alone sometimes....

[eilonwy]

i hear ya, ksn. my friends (the few that I have) are younger than yours, and even farther behind: they're still talking about finishing college and debating grad school. :rollseyes: Dh is older, but he is only the second of his friends to have kids.. his best friend is 35 and expecting his first child later this year. (not that we're speaking to them... *grrr* ). So i'm pretty lonely too. but that's what the net's for, right?