I'm going to *try* to keep this (relatively) brief, but no promises...
I'm in the process of certifying, and accepted a few free clients. I since learned why this might be a bad idea, but it's already done. Don't need advice on that.
I met a potential client several months ago. Didn't have a great "feeling" about her--didn't feel like we "clicked." But (another bad idea on my part), I accepted her anyway. Figured I was in no position to be picky. Bad idea. She was very negative from the beginning, and our feelings on birth didn't really mesh. She told me at our first meeting that she wanted an epidural and didn't want a doula to try to "talk her out of it." I asked her what she envisioned my role to be at her birth, and she said, "Let me tell you what my husband did WRONG at our first birth: he couldn't get the ice chips in my mouth...and when I needed to throw up, he gave me something the size of a thimble to throw up in." I know, red flags. Warning signs. I didn't heed them.
Prenatals were a waste of time. She would ask me to meet her at a park where she was having a playgroup (despite me questioning if she really thought she could juggle our meeting with a playdate). We couldn't get through anything meaningful, because her 2-year-old was constantly throwing sand at someone, or running away, or whatever, plus her girlfriends were all there chiming in on everything I tried to bring up. I brought my 14-year-old nephew along to watch my own 2-year-old, because I knew I would not be able to have a decent conversation with him there, otherwise. I made a point of telling her I would bring him so that I could focus on our conversation. We never made a birth plan. She didn't want any information regarding epidurals or narcotics. I offered to research things if she needed information. She didn't. She continued to invite me to her playgroup, which I politely declined for this-reason-or-that. When I asked her birth-related questions, she might give me a short answer and then get distracted and tell me some impertinent story.
Long story short(er): she was very critical, got upset when I went on vacation 4 weeks before her EDD (she was sure she'd have the baby while I was gone, but didn't). She sends me occasional e-mails saying "are you in or are you out?" or "Are you still interested, because I'm having this baby this week." Then she tells me she's being induced in a week if she hasn't gone into labor (this is still TEN DAYS before her EDD). I asked why. She says because the baby is "big." She kept giving me these "outs," I thought: "Are we still on?" "Are you still interested?" And I finally decided that a) maybe she was *trying* to get me to back out, and b)maybe I shouldn't be attending her birth. I don't take my attendance at another woman's birth lightly, and if I feel so unsure of my role at a birth like hers (NOT, NOT, NOT just because she wants an epidural, but because we have very different views on birth, and she wasn't willing to talk to me enough to give me a clear picture of hers). So I told her that I had concerns about attending her birth. She freaked out, told me this was a "slap in the face" and that my decision to become a doula was "a poor one." She actually used the words, "Shame on you." I asked her to meet me to talk about it; she wouldn't. So I thanked her for giving me her perspective on everything, and said I'd like to do the same for her. I explained how I had perceived things, and said that perhaps I had misunderstood her. I was absolutely not at all accusatory, and was clear in telling her that I was not trying to correct her or invalidate her point of view. She called me rude and unprofessional. I really sincerely don't think I was either. She is now telling me she's sending all of our e-mail exchanges to ALACE, and telling everyone she knows about her horrible experience with me, et cetera.
Honestly: am I missing something here? I feel like the only BIG mistake I made here was accepting her as a client--and a free one at that. I'm so sorry it went this way, and I regret that she's so upset with me, but I don't know what else I could have done.
If a client--whom you feel is not taking responsibility for her own birth and who declines information from you, sends you rude e-mails, and whom you generally know you cannot please AND who is setting herself up for a potentially rough birth experience by being induced early without medical indication--asks you if you're still "interested" three weeks before her EDD...is it okay to raise questions like this that may lead to you not working with her, even this close to her due date? Or should I have said, "Of course I'm still interested, and attended her induction and watched TV while she "labored" with her epidural, and just suck it all up because I already made the mistake of accepting her? What would YOU do? I guess I also felt like I was protecting myself, because I swear this is the kind of thing where she doesn't want to hear why the induction might be a bad idea, but she probably DOES want to sue everyone in a 5 mile radius if things don't go as smoothly as she'd like, even if she makes choices to lead herself there. Anyway...not sure if I'm asking a question or just venting. I really would like to hear from someone if you have a suggestion for how I should have handled this differently (like I said, beyond the point of having taken her on at all).
Yeah, sorry...I didn't keep it brief at all.
I'm in the process of certifying, and accepted a few free clients. I since learned why this might be a bad idea, but it's already done. Don't need advice on that.
I met a potential client several months ago. Didn't have a great "feeling" about her--didn't feel like we "clicked." But (another bad idea on my part), I accepted her anyway. Figured I was in no position to be picky. Bad idea. She was very negative from the beginning, and our feelings on birth didn't really mesh. She told me at our first meeting that she wanted an epidural and didn't want a doula to try to "talk her out of it." I asked her what she envisioned my role to be at her birth, and she said, "Let me tell you what my husband did WRONG at our first birth: he couldn't get the ice chips in my mouth...and when I needed to throw up, he gave me something the size of a thimble to throw up in." I know, red flags. Warning signs. I didn't heed them.
Prenatals were a waste of time. She would ask me to meet her at a park where she was having a playgroup (despite me questioning if she really thought she could juggle our meeting with a playdate). We couldn't get through anything meaningful, because her 2-year-old was constantly throwing sand at someone, or running away, or whatever, plus her girlfriends were all there chiming in on everything I tried to bring up. I brought my 14-year-old nephew along to watch my own 2-year-old, because I knew I would not be able to have a decent conversation with him there, otherwise. I made a point of telling her I would bring him so that I could focus on our conversation. We never made a birth plan. She didn't want any information regarding epidurals or narcotics. I offered to research things if she needed information. She didn't. She continued to invite me to her playgroup, which I politely declined for this-reason-or-that. When I asked her birth-related questions, she might give me a short answer and then get distracted and tell me some impertinent story.
Long story short(er): she was very critical, got upset when I went on vacation 4 weeks before her EDD (she was sure she'd have the baby while I was gone, but didn't). She sends me occasional e-mails saying "are you in or are you out?" or "Are you still interested, because I'm having this baby this week." Then she tells me she's being induced in a week if she hasn't gone into labor (this is still TEN DAYS before her EDD). I asked why. She says because the baby is "big." She kept giving me these "outs," I thought: "Are we still on?" "Are you still interested?" And I finally decided that a) maybe she was *trying* to get me to back out, and b)maybe I shouldn't be attending her birth. I don't take my attendance at another woman's birth lightly, and if I feel so unsure of my role at a birth like hers (NOT, NOT, NOT just because she wants an epidural, but because we have very different views on birth, and she wasn't willing to talk to me enough to give me a clear picture of hers). So I told her that I had concerns about attending her birth. She freaked out, told me this was a "slap in the face" and that my decision to become a doula was "a poor one." She actually used the words, "Shame on you." I asked her to meet me to talk about it; she wouldn't. So I thanked her for giving me her perspective on everything, and said I'd like to do the same for her. I explained how I had perceived things, and said that perhaps I had misunderstood her. I was absolutely not at all accusatory, and was clear in telling her that I was not trying to correct her or invalidate her point of view. She called me rude and unprofessional. I really sincerely don't think I was either. She is now telling me she's sending all of our e-mail exchanges to ALACE, and telling everyone she knows about her horrible experience with me, et cetera.
Honestly: am I missing something here? I feel like the only BIG mistake I made here was accepting her as a client--and a free one at that. I'm so sorry it went this way, and I regret that she's so upset with me, but I don't know what else I could have done.
If a client--whom you feel is not taking responsibility for her own birth and who declines information from you, sends you rude e-mails, and whom you generally know you cannot please AND who is setting herself up for a potentially rough birth experience by being induced early without medical indication--asks you if you're still "interested" three weeks before her EDD...is it okay to raise questions like this that may lead to you not working with her, even this close to her due date? Or should I have said, "Of course I'm still interested, and attended her induction and watched TV while she "labored" with her epidural, and just suck it all up because I already made the mistake of accepting her? What would YOU do? I guess I also felt like I was protecting myself, because I swear this is the kind of thing where she doesn't want to hear why the induction might be a bad idea, but she probably DOES want to sue everyone in a 5 mile radius if things don't go as smoothly as she'd like, even if she makes choices to lead herself there. Anyway...not sure if I'm asking a question or just venting. I really would like to hear from someone if you have a suggestion for how I should have handled this differently (like I said, beyond the point of having taken her on at all).
Yeah, sorry...I didn't keep it brief at all.
