How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 9

[sibelius]

Originally Posted by Bestbirths

Do you think it unethical then, to provide birth control for a teen that wants to be sexually active but is in no way mature enough to handle the reprocussions? That's kind of a dilemma. I think I would go ahead and get the birth control for them anyway, but wow, what a terrible position to be in to have to make that decision or to have a child that wants to be sexually active when they do not have the maturity to handle it.

Because, if you get them birth control you are protecting them from STD's and pregnancies, but if you get them birth control at a young teen age, it could be considered enabling them to do behavior that could be emotionally damaging that they are not ready for yet.

well, yes, i do think it's unethical. however, i realize this is hardly a mainstream view! i would never recommend artificial contraception to anyone, for a myriad of reasons, and especially not to a teenage child of mine. and if i did have a child who was really tempted to be sexually active, i would have them read the theology of the body for teens, have them volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center, and then keep them away from tempting situations. i can't completely control what they do, but i can control what i do, (i.e. not compromising my beliefs by handing out bc) and if they make a stupid choice that goes against everything they've been taught, then there may be unfortunate consequences.

[Artichokie]

I will teach my children that sexual intercourse is an adult activity. When s/he is ready to be an adult (live on her/his own and support her/his self), then that is the appropriate time to consider sexual intercourse.

My own parents taught "no sex before marriage," but I never bought into it, even as a small child. I mean, some people choose never to be married. Does that mean they can never have sex? What about gay and lesbians? Since I was taught that sex before marriage is wrong, and gays and lesbians couldn't be legally married, did that mean that they could never have sexual intercourse, either? The whole thing sounded pretty fishy to me.

So, I will teach my child that some activities are for adults, and are permissible when they are ready to be adults. If they want to find a job at age 16 and get an apartment, then I'll be first in line to help them with birth control and family planning.

[hottmama]

My kids are little-- while I have talked about sex with my 4.5 yr. old, it's not really in his plans for the next 10 yrs.
But I voted that it's okay in my house after open communication (which should start in toddlerhood, IMO). I started having sex at 15 and was very responsible. I didn't have sex without a condom EVER until I started TTC my first child. I expect my kids to do the same. I do not want them to wait until marriage and I think 16 is a healthy age to become sexually active. As long as they are looking out for everyone's health, physical and emotional, they are welcome to do it in my house.

[trmpetplaya]

Originally Posted by dealic

How I will handle any sexual activity of my future children is of course entirely theoretical at this point, because I don't even have kids. But the gender of their partner would not effect that at all. I am GLBT (somewhere on the queer spectrum) and am completely comfortable with that possibility with future children.

The issue above seems more one of having let a partner stay over without knowing it was a partner. For me, having non-partnered friends of either gender over is on the same level, and having partners of either gender is on another level. The case here was possibly in the eyes of the parents a lie of omission about the relationship status of the guest. Or at least that would be my issue with it.

I totally agree with you here (it's still theoretical for me too, since my older daughter is only 20 months old...). In my friend's case, her parents wouldn't have accepted the fact that she was bi, which is why she hadn't told them (they did eventually work it out - thankfully her parents' church pastor was a good mediator and very liberal). I would hope that my children would feel comfortable enough to confide in me since I will love and accept them without regard to sexual orientation. Though I still wouldn't be comfortable with them having a SO over when I'm around...

I'm curious about what those folks who are most concerned about pregnancy would do if their child's SO was of the same gender. Obviously pregnancy wouldn't be a concern anymore. There would still be a risk of STD's of course...

love and peace.

[MillingNome]

Originally Posted by ananas

This, sadly, is the way it works a lot. For my mom and I, it wasn't so much the issue of sex, just the issue of boys. Curfews, rules regarding males at the house, the huge contrast between the rules I had regarding male friends and rules I had regarding female friends, the fact that she was uncomfortable even with me talking on the phone to male friends- all of those things put barriers up. Rules that had never existed in our house before that were founded as soon as I began having more male friends- it led me to feel she didn't trust me (which, when it came to guys, she really didn't). So in effect, I wasn't comfortable, and I did sneak around, and it did change our relationship.


The thing is, anytime you tell your children that you're not okay with something, they're going to know you're not okay with it. So if you keep repeating "No sex before marriage, no sex before marriage, no sex before marriage, no sex before marriage" and then every once in a while add in a "But I'll still love you if you do have sex, please come to me and tell me", it's natural that the child is only going to hear the "No sex before marriage". They know their views on it, so they obviously know how you feel about the topic and they know that if they come to you and let you know that they have been having sex or are thinking about having sex, you will at the very least be disappointed in them. And despite how it seems, as someone who was in that age bracket not long ago, your teens really do care about not disappointing you. I think, for me, I cared way more about the disappointment issue. I knew my parents would get over anger and the like, but I couldn't bear the thought of them being disappointed in me.

So yes, explain your morals and beliefs to your children. But even better, try to encourage them to adopt the same set of morals, try to teach them WHY you feel they shouldn't have sex before marriage. Don't outright forbid it, try to get them to see why you feel that way. Because in the end, your morals, your religious beliefs, your views on sex, will mean absolutely nothing. They need to know before they're having sex what their morals are and how they feel not just about sex, but about many decisions they'll make in life.

Well there you go. The heart of the question- what do we expect of our children while they are living with us... is it fair to have expectation? Once they are out of the house, it matters also less as they will legally be adults. From the quote it sounds like: make sure you have no expectations nor values you want your children to live up to so there is no chance they would have to worry about disappointing you.

I don't think that's what you mean. Surely you must have/will have some expectations on how you want your kids to act, schooling to attain, habits (eating, pg care, nursing, nfl, etc...) that you have that you would like them to have, ideal partners you'd like them to find, and of course the original topic, sex.

I'm hoping that I'm raising my kids to be handle disappointment, even when it is coming from me








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[ZoeyZoo]

I can only offer you what DH and I have discussed since we're not there. We plan to try to teach wait for serious relationships, with people your love, giving you virginity away is a big deal, etc. When they decide they are ready we hope they'll be open to us about it and be safe about it.

[rayo de sol]

Originally Posted by MoreThanApplesauce

My own parents taught "no sex before marriage," but I never bought into it, even as a small child. I mean, some people choose never to be married. Does that mean they can never have sex? What about gay and lesbians? Since I was taught that sex before marriage is wrong, and gays and lesbians couldn't be legally married, did that mean that they could never have sexual intercourse, either? The whole thing sounded pretty fishy to me.

Yes! Finally! Thank you for bringing this up. This whole thread I've been thinking, "What about gay and lesbian youth?"

Telling gay and lesbian youth that they shouldn't have sex before marriage isn't really fair, is it, since they are not allowed to get married--at least in the U.S.

So, for all the "no sex before marriage" people: Why do you assume your children are heterosexual? What if they're gay? When do they get your approval to enjoy sex if they're gay? Or what if your children are straight but they just aren't interested in marriage? Not everyone gets married. Or what if your children are straight, but they don't end up getting married until they're in their 30s? You want them to wait that long to have sex?

My opinion on teen sex is as long as we have thoroughly discussed all of the possible consequences and ramifications of sex, as long as they have condoms and know how to use them, as long as it will be consensual sex with another teen who is very similar in age, and as long as it's a mutually respectful and emotionally healthy relationship, I am absolutely fine with sex happening in my home under these circumstances.

[Bestbirths]

Originally Posted by rayo de sol

Yes! Finally! Thank you for bringing this up. This whole thread I've been thinking, "What about gay and lesbian youth?"

Telling gay and lesbian youth that they shouldn't have sex before marriage isn't really fair, is it, since they are not allowed to get married--at least in the U.S.

So, for all the "no sex before marriage" people: Why do you assume your children are heterosexual? What if they're gay? When do they get your approval to enjoy sex if they're gay? Or what if your children are straight but they just aren't interested in marriage? Not everyone gets married. Or what if your children are straight, but they don't end up getting married until they're in their 30s? You want them to wait that long to have sex?

My opinion on teen sex is as long as we have thoroughly discussed all of the possible consequences and ramifications of sex, as long as they have condoms and know how to use them, as long as it will be consensual sex with another teen who is very similar in age, and as long as it's a mutually respectful and emotionally healthy relationship, I am absolutely fine with sex happening in my home under these circumstances.

Gay couples have ceremonies all the time, they just aren't official,"in the eyes of the law" right? Intention is everything, if their intention is a serious one on one committed relationship, that is better than a revolving door of relationships emotionally, in my opinion.
I don't assume my child is heterosexual. If their gay most of my concerns about teenage pregnancy and waiting to have kids and waiting to procreate until after chelation are relieved (probably unless they surrogate, which is usually done by stable gay couples who have homes and careers, which satisfies my hope that my children are in a stable relationship and have stability before having children). When do they get my approval to enjoy sex when they are gay? Gee, much sooner than hetero teens I would think, and without as many restrictions. The only thing that is left is the sex as a spiritual bond, and frankly if he's going to go ahead and be gay my only concern left would be his emotional and spiritual health and that he/she was mature enough to be in sexual relationships without getting hurt. If my child is straight and doesn't get married until 30 is really beyond the scope of this question in the OP, which is about a sexually active teen. You can skew the question with all kinds of hypotheticals but I guess all the things I said earlier apply to the child no matter what age they are. If they still have not found that special one person, I think they should wait. What happens when your child is engaged, like at 25, but their fiance dies? Then they could possibly grieve for years and be still a virgin at age 30. I would still hope for my child that they could wait until they again found another special person that they wanted to share their lives with.

There are probably a whole other set of concerns with gay relationships to deal with like...i don't know, but I am sure that gay couples have many concerns to replace the worries about getting pregnant.

[sibelius]

these hypothetical situations with gay teens/adults really do not apply to this thread. however, my standard of chastity applies to every teen in my house, regardless of "orientation". what happens after they are teens is out of the scope of this thread.

[Tinas3muskateers]

We have a very open line of conversation about sex and she is aware that I would prefer for her to wait but that isnt going to happen, so she is safe and is only with one person. I do not ok it to happen in my home though, if she feels she is mature enough to do it, then she is old enough to find a place to do it and it most certainly isnt here.

[Sea_Guy]

Nonononononono!

So I'm LDS. My subject line basicly says the final answer.

Here's why:

16-year-olds are not adults, physically or mentally. Some would debate this issue (of adulthood, not sexuality), but these are mostly individuals who have not studied human development in depth. The nervous system doesn't develop fully in most humans until late teens to early twenties. Sure, it's mostly functional, but (surprise!) the brain has not fully developed; reasoning on an adult level, therefore, is beyond most of us during our teen years. You learn this in basic university-level human development classes.

One of the great powers given to people is the power to procreate. It is attached to this wonderful experience of sex. I love sex! It feels great! I am a member of a church that encourages sex -- after marriage. Because of the emotions involved, and the sacred power, like God's, to give life, this is something that should be reserved for married couples. Children deserve to come into happy families with a father and mother.

I hope that my children will wait until they have found that person with whom they desire to spend eternity, and after making promises and being legally married, have a wonderful sex life. I, like the mother who started this thread, intend to speak openly with my children about sex. My daughter is only three months old, so she's a bit young for these discussions. When she can begin to understand, I will teach her that sex is a wonderful experience that can enrich her life, or if partaken of in the wrong circumstances, can be destructive.

When my children are adults, I will not force my values on them. No good can come of forcing values on anybody. When they are youth, I will not support premarital sex; I will encourage my children to wait. If they don't follow those values, Sea_Gal, our child, and I will need to discuss how work through that issue, respectfully, together.

Truthfully, I didn't always have to this standard. I wish I had. Sex is so much better after being married. Premarital experiences made our first experiences together strained. How sad!




Husband to Sea Gal, father to 1 dd, born at home waterbirth!
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[Marcee]

I voted after marriage as it corresponds with our personal beliefs. I will teach the same values to my sons and daughters. However I will continue to be open and accepting with them.

[Arduinna]

I kinda wish the thread title was "How Comfortable are you with YOUR sexually active teen". Because it's so easy to say what someone plans to do when one has an infant or toddler or even elementary age child. I'll be much more interested in the answer once one is the parent of a teenager.

[guestmama9911]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I kinda wish the thread title was "How Comfortable are you with YOUR sexually active teen". Because it's so easy to say what someone plans to do when one has an infant or toddler or even elementary age child. I'll be much more interested in the answer once one is the parent of a teenager.

You underestimate the power of deep-seated spiritual beliefs.

Thank you for your courage and candor, Sea_Guy.

[Arduinna]

My post wasn't specifically directed at anyones spiritual beliefs, it was directed at anyone who hasn't actually parented a teenager regardless of their position. Oh and FTR ones beliefs don't need to be religious or spiritually based to be deep seated. Regardless there is a huge difference in talking about hypotheticals 12 years from now and actually having the experience of parenting a teenager though.

[intorainbowz]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

My post wasn't specifically directed at anyones spiritual beliefs, it was directed at anyone who hasn't actually parented a teenager regardless of their position.

There is a 12 year gap between me and my youngest sister. Because we had the same mother who gave incomplete information, she came to me. I gave her the same guidance I will give DD, which is to wait. I don't see that changing.

And if my little sister came to me and told me she was active, I would assist her with an appointment with a doc for BC and have a LONG discussion with her about sex and its consequesces.

I don't ever see my beliefs changing as I agree with Sea_Guy and alisaterry.

I agree with Sea_Guy's post. I was a virgin, DH was not. I know he regrets that he had other partners before me.

[terrordactyl]

Originally Posted by dnw826

14??? Yeah, not in the states. Maybe Arkansas. But I think even that has an age limit with the age of the partner-i.e. the bf over the age of 16, 18, whatever.

yes actually it is. and i know this because it is 14 in the state of new mexico

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by intorainbowz

There is a 12 year gap between me and my youngest sister. Because we had the same mother who gave incomplete information, she came to me. I gave her the same guidance I will give DD, which is to wait. I don't see that changing.

So? My sister is 10 years younger than me and I gave her BC advice too. Big deal, that didn't make me her parent.

[intorainbowz]

I should have added that my mother was very ill for many years while my sister was growing up, and we had a work a holic father. I did a lot of her "raising".

[Arduinna]

I'm sorry your mom was so ill, I'm sure that was hard. My mom was pretty absent from my sisters life also, but due to divorce. It sucks when kids are missing out on having active parents.