How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 2

[angelpie545]

This is kind of a difficult one for me. FWIW, I will be teaching my children to wait until marriage to have sex, because I believe that this is the best way. However, I didn't follow that, and my current children know that, b/c they were both conceived with my high school boyfriend. They know that my current dh is not their father, though he has raised them and they call him dad. So, I am not going to be hypocritical and do the whole "do as I say not as I do" thing. I despise that attitude.

If, despite what I tell them, they do choose to have sex outside of marriage, I would ask that they refrain from doing it in the house. I will provide complete and accurate information about birth control, condoms, and STDs to them, and I would never turn them away if they got pregnant, of if any future son of mine impregnants a girl. After all, I got pregnant as a teen and it was the best thing to ever happen to me, so I would support my pregnant daughter in every way I could.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by angelpie545

This is kind of a difficult one for me. FWIW, I will be teaching my children to wait until marriage to have sex, because I believe that this is the best way. However, I didn't follow that, and my current children know that, b/c they were both conceived with my high school boyfriend. They know that my current dh is not their father, though he has raised them and they call him dad. So, I am not going to be hypocritical and do the whole "do as I say not as I do" thing. I despise that attitude.

If, despite what I tell them, they do choose to have sex outside of marriage, I would ask that they refrain from doing it in the house. I will provide complete and accurate information about birth control, condoms, and STDs to them, and I would never turn them away if they got pregnant, of if any future son of mine impregnants a girl. After all, I got pregnant as a teen and it was the best thing to ever happen to me, so I would support my pregnant daughter in every way I could.

I agree. I don't care about waiting for marriage, as I believe in testing the mattress before you buy it , but I would never encourage them to be as sexually liberal as I was and take the horrible chances I did, but to wait for a very special person. Many people's firsts are horrible experiences, I don't want that for my kids, too. I want it to be something they enjoy and are responsible about. Of course I would have to have a talk with my kids' partners about how if they give my kids STDs or cheat on them, my dh will be whittling with his rifle on the porch.

[MadWorldSonnet]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

I am really surprised that seven people voted after marriage. I guess I run with a more liberal crowd.

I am too. Really shocked, actually.

I voted in my home (but preferably not while I was there. I am very liberal, but not so much so that I want to risk hearing it or accidentally walking in on it, lol).

If there is no age difference, but they are under the age of consent (which is very much a double edged sword, btw) then I'm not sure the "5-0" would/could do anything. Assuming they're the same age or very close in age, she could be charged as readily as he for statutory rape.

At 16 I was a mother (and a damn good one, in case you were wondering ), hardly an immature child. Some teens are very immature and irresponsible. Some aren't. I've known teens who paid the bills and raised their siblings or children on their own. Don't tell me they shouldn't have the right to decide when and where to have sex, that's bs.

...anyway, getting off my soapbox here...

To the OP-I think what you're doing is unconventional for sure, but not strange. If it helps you at all, on the rare occasions that my then bf slept over, I'm not sure we even had sex. It was in his car, at a motel, and other places that we had sex. (I think I was too worried about getting caught at my parents house while they were home...that and maybe I felt bad).

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by rere

Some kids will ,some kids will not.True.But if your kid is telling you I'm going to.Then what?I think that is the situation the OP is talking about.

Telling me they are interested in actually having a sexual relationship is much different than the assumption kids will do it anyway.

If my children come to me and want to start a sexual relationship as a teen, then we will have a discussion and go from there. I really can't say exactly how it would go as I haven't BTDT. I am open with my kids about sex and I will be equally open with them about my concerns/opinions about sex as a teen. Honestly, we already talk about some of this stuff anyway....depending on which child it is.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet

At 16 I was a mother (and a damn good one, in case you were wondering ), hardly an immature child. Some teens are very immature and irresponsible. Some aren't. I've known teens who paid the bills and raised their siblings or children on their own. Don't tell me they shouldn't have the right to decide when and where to have sex, that's bs.

So was I. But I certainly was not your conventional teen (except, apparently when it came to sex!). But no, I don't think that every teen should have the right to mate anywhere, anytime. Becoming a parent and facing the responsibilites most teens never have to know is a lot different than your average teen who knows everything.

[Bestbirths]

UGGGH. I do not like the pill. I think it causes health problems. If my daughter was going to do go against all of our beliefs and values and become sexually active anyway, I would put her on birth control other than the pill, not sure what, and teach her safe sex (already talked about safe sex). The only thing is, I am not sure what kind of birth control would be safe for a mercury toxic chelating, young 13 year old and up girl, that doesn't take a lot of maturity to use, etc.

I have some friends that automatically put their children on the pill at age 12 and then act like this whole sex thing gives them no worries. At least the teen pregnancy part.

[sunnysideup]

mamakarata, it sounds like you have a wonderful, loving and respectful relationship with your daughter. I love to hear about close relationships between moms and teen daughters--you hear so many of the horror stories.

My oldest is 14. Right now, she's still far from being ready for a sexual relationship. But... so much changes so quickly at this age. It's hard for me to answer the poll because my comfort level would depend greatly on my perception of the relationship.

[intorainbowz]

Not in my house.

I plan on teaching abstinance until marraige, fidelity after. Call me a fundie, but that's what I believe. That does not mean I am sexually uptight repressed or naive. HARDLY.

I'd like to spare my daughter a teen pregnancy and my unborn son STDs.

I will educate them about sex, teach them how their bodies were made to feel good, and that is a wonderful God given blessing. Because for me it is a blessing from the Lord.

I plan to teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves. That does not mean I support it. I frankly see allowing a sexual partner to spend the night with a 16 year old permissive to the nth degree, and not something which will happen in my home. Old enough and mature enough to have sex, old enough to afford a hotel room.

[Bestbirths]

I forgot to add, I would be upset if my children have children before they finish chelating the mercury, lead, and other toxic heavy elements out of their bodies first. It would be irresponsible, with the knowledge we have now to do so. So the whole being sexually active thing before chelation is another issue.

[BMG580]

I am somewhere in the middle on this issue. I think sex is a natural part of being a human being and different people are ready at different ages just like any other part of human development. I believe I will be realistic about my childrens' desire to have sex in their teen years- I know I wanted to have it when I was 16/17!

With that said, I will place a huge emphasis during sex education discussions in the preceeding years about what a wonderful aspect sex is of a committed, stable relationship. I will stress how important I think having an emotional committment to your partner is prior to engaging in a sexual/physical relationship.

So, if my daughter at 16 wanted to have a sexual relationship I would try and help her be as educated and safe as possible to make choices to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STDs. I just don't think I could go as far as facillitating the sex in my own home, though! *I* wouldn't be comfortable with a boyfriend sleeping over with her at age 16 so it just wouldn't happen.

[MadWorldSonnet]

Originally Posted by dnw826

Becoming a parent and facing the responsibilites most teens never have to know is a lot different than your average teen who knows everything.

I understand that. But I was very mature and responsible before I became a mother as well, and I hold to my beliefs that yes, it was my right to have sex as a 15 year old. I didn't need that emancipation to let me do what I wanted with my body.

[lanamommyphd07]

I answered "other", because when I parented a sexually active teen who I had a very open and honest relationship with, I came up with some crafty ways to cultivate her development but still maintain some ability to "keep rank" in the house. I gave her books on sexuality, positions for intercourse, masturbation, etc. I encouraged her to do "everything but" as she would learn more about her body and whoever she was with that way. Intercourse is just too simple.
I would tell her that I would be away for the afternoon, say to a meeting, or work, or a class or something, and my partner was also away from the home. I figured, what she did with that time (sneak her boyfriend in a for a couple of hours, binge on the TV, whatever) was up to her. She was aware that we had rules in the house about no friends when she was alone, but when I discovered the bathroom seat up once, I didn't mention it, just checked in with her on condom supply and such. I also found a joint in her room once, but I didn't bust her--merely dumped some cayenne pepper in and re-rolled it. Let's just say--today, she is a very successful college student who has not become pregnant or picked up any std's, and has this strange aversion to pot.

[Kirsten]

Originally Posted by intorainbowz

Not in my house.

The trouble is that - unless you are in the same room with them 24/7 - you cannot control whether or not your teen has sex in your house. You can tell them not to, forbid it, say it is against your family values/religion/etc. But in the end, your dc still makes that choice.

In high school, I'd guestimate that 70+% of my friends were having sex. Some parents knew, others didn't. Some were ok with it, others weren't. But the ones who weren't ok with it didn't necessarily line up with the kids who weren't having sex. Sometimes just the opposite - and I think in an attempt to define their individuality.

[Bestbirths]

OK now I am going to really probably freak you out with another thing to think about before you procreate.

I am serious about believing that you should chelate before trying to conceive children.

In our family, which is not unlike most families probably, we have generations of vaccinations, mercury fillings, and in general stupidity (my ancestors visited the nuclear test sites, teledyne, for fun, I kid you not). So, I am watching the worlds worst disaster show on discovery and see that the very teledyne place had a nuclear disaster and didn't inform the public, they were still there watching the cranes move stuff "for fun", and I was like, gee, that was probably my family right there. Any how. By the time these generations go by, enter me having my kiddo's with a mouth chock full of mercury fillings. I didn't vax my kids, except the first. I nursed them and passed toxins through the breastmilk, and probably did major dumps of toxins to them during pregnancies. I didn't get them any mercury fillings, or the youngest four any vaxes, but my children have high levels of mercury, lead and other toxic heavy elements on their hair tests which means they are excreting these toxins from their bodies because it is coming out in their hair.

The best way to do a toxin dump, (in this I am kidding) is to have a pregancy. The toxin load, many believe the mother does a major dump to the fetus. Anyhow, explains in another way besides vaxing only why you have autism and illness rates on the rise. I have talked to our naturopath about this and seen my children's hair tests and we are not comfortable keeping this level of toxins in their bodies, let alone not warning them of the dangers of having children before chelation, not that I wouldn't help them pay to chelate my future grandchildren, but YK? I don't want my teenager to get pregant before she undergoes chelation, and I am serious. Am I like the freaky only one who thinks of these things?

[MadWorldSonnet]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

The trouble is that - unless you are in the same room with them 24/7 - you cannot control whether or not your teen has sex in your house. You can tell them not to, forbid it, say it is against your family values/religion/etc. But in the end, your dc still makes that choice.

Amen. My mother looked down her nose at my friends mother who let her 16 year old's BF move in with them. My bf lived about an hour away. Guess who was having more sex? Me. Guess who got pregnant 1st? Me. I had sex all the time in my parents house, but to this day I don't think they have any idea....

Bestbirths, by condoning or condemning your child in regards to premarital sex (or sex in the home, etc) you're not going to prevent or encourage her to get pregnant. So, as interesting as it is, it's kind of a moot point. (and I do agree with you on a certain level about doing a cleanse prior to conceiving, but that's in a perfect world)

[dealic]

Lagana, L (1999) Psychosocial Correlates of Contraceptive Practices during Late Adolescence. Adolescence, 34, 463-482.

I can't actually pull that study, and I can't find my course notes right now (the actual study) but my textbook references that study as finding a positive correlation between sex positive attitudes and effective use of contraceptives. The same study is also referenced in finding a negative correlation between conservative religiosity/opposition to abortion and effective and consistent contraceptive use, an inverse relationship between age of first intercourse and pregnancy rate, and (possibly obviously) a positive relationship between knowledge of contraception and effective use of contraception.

I am still trying to find a full text version of the study online. I did find the author's homepage, and I can tell you what university she works at, if that is helpful But I am giving up for the night, as I am sleepy.

[darkpear]

I want my kids to make up their own minds about when, where, why, and with whom to have sex. It's my job to give them all the information necessary to make an informed decision and to do everything in my power to help them protect themselves from disease and unwanted pregnancy. My 4yo loves babies and is curious about where they come from, so she gets age-appropriate information. That will continue. Condoms will be available in the bathroom at some point - I'm not sure when, ask me in a few years If one of my kids wants other birth control, we'll talk about it and research the pros and cons together, and then I will honor her decision (and take care of the transportation and financial details, if necessary). I will always be available, but I will also respect their privacy and not demand details they're not comfortable sharing.

Childhood is when you learn and practice how to be an adult. I don't think relationships and sex are exempt from that, or ought to be.

And for the record, while I did some stupid reckless things as a sexually active teen, I don't regret those, even the ones that ended painfully. I do regret NOT doing quite a few things, though. Life is short.

[nonconformnmom]

My dd asked me for birth control when she was 15. I was not comfortable with it, but I talked openly with her about it and made sure she had access to both condoms and birth control of her choice. I am not, however, comfortable with her doing it in our home. Call it selfish, I just couldn't handle it. I knew she and her very steady, long term boyfriend were having sex at his house. It was enough of a leap for me to deal with that, much less more.

For those who said wait until after marriage: Don't you think it is possible that your child could end up married to someone who is completely incompatible with them, sexually? Don't you think that is an unwise course of action? Heaven forbid they could end up with someone who is a sexual deviant in some way.

I was a virgin when I got married. I was lucky; he and I were compatible. But it could have just as easily gone the other way ....

[Bestbirths]

Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet

Bestbirths, by condoning or condemning your child in regards to premarital sex (or sex in the home, etc) you're not going to prevent or encourage her to get pregnant. So, as interesting as it is, it's kind of a moot point. (and I do agree with you on a certain level about doing a cleanse prior to conceiving, but that's in a perfect world)

Who said anything about condemning in regards to premarital sex? i wouldn't condemn her for wanting to have premarital sex, I would go out and help her get the birth control if she chose to do so. I just recently had a converation with her about letting us know if she wanted to ahead of time so we could set up appointments for the birth control. sigh.

[darkpear]

Originally Posted by Bestbirths

Who said anything about condemning in regards to premarital sex? i wouldn't condemn her for wanting to have premarital sex, I would go out and help her get the birth control if she chose to do so. I just recently had a converation with her about letting us know if she wanted to ahead of time so we could set up appointments for the birth control. sigh.

I had that conversation with my parents too. I was already sexually active at the time and never did tell them. Never got on the pill till I was older and on my own, either. And my parents were relatively liberal about sex. I was and am a very private person, and I didn't think my sex life was any of their business.

Just food for thought.