How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 3

[Bestbirths]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

For those who said wait until after marriage[/B]: Don't you think it is possible that your child could end up married to someone who is completely incompatible with them, sexually? Don't you think that is an unwise course of action? Heaven forbid they could end up with someone who is a sexual deviant in some way.

I was a virgin when I got married. I was lucky; he and I were compatible. But it could have just as easily gone the other way ....

Ho boy. Well, we believe that you do not plan a life together with someone you have only known a short time, we believe in courtship periods where all of these important issues are discussed before hand. A length of time where you talk about if you have the same dreams, goals in life, parenting methods, what you think about vaxing, natural medicine, religion, finances, values, everything. Personally I believe the whole sexually compatable thing to be a copout. Why can't the person say if they are sexually deviant during the courtship process?

[dealic]

Originally Posted by Bestbirths

Why can't the person say if they are sexually deviant during the courtship process?

They may not know, not having the experience to have discovered this about themselves. I've been there, so I am not just being exceedingly hypothetical.

[Bestbirths]

Well, I kind of think that if after you are in a committed relationship, if you both change enough on enough major things like sex would be a major one, like if I told dh today that I decided such and such about the way I wanted or didn't want sex or any other major thing, finances, what i wanted to do with my life being way different than the direction he was going, that might be grounds for going separate ways.

[doulatara]

Originally Posted by mamakarata

Curious as to how others feel about this seemingly touchy subject. My dd is 16 and has been dating a boy for 6 months. After years of sex talks with her, we now allow her boyfriend to spend the night.

It is really hard for many parents to deal with this. Especially the parents of her closest friends.

I can write a chapter to attest to her excellent grades and positive characteristics, and aspirations, which I find myself listing off in my head in all of those "would be" confrontations of the above mentioned parents.

But even that isn't completely relevant in my mind. Our relationship has allowed me to have an understanding with who she is and why she feels ready and willing to accept the responsibility of being sexually active.

And at this point, we had to ask ourselves, would it be less self respecting that she must sneak to find a place in the back of a car or who knows where, or to allow her the freedom and privacy (along with plenty of protection) to be safe in her own home?

Fortunately, the boyfriends mom feels the same way, and they are both very happy and content! I am, quite frankly, happy for her!

Is that so strange?

I will only add that we don't allow drugs or alcohol at all as it clouds the judgment and is a major deal breaker for allowing ANY friends over.

As the saying goes "pick your fights carefully" and for us that is firm boundary.

I am about to go back and read the whole thread, but I just wanted to tell you I think you are an amazing mom.

[intorainbowz]

Originally Posted by Kirsten

The trouble is that - unless you are in the same room with them 24/7 - you cannot control whether or not your teen has sex in your house. You can tell them not to, forbid it, say it is against your family values/religion/etc. But in the end, your dc still makes that choice.

In high school, I'd guestimate that 70+% of my friends were having sex. Some parents knew, others didn't. Some were ok with it, others weren't. But the ones who weren't ok with it didn't necessarily line up with the kids who weren't having sex. Sometimes just the opposite - and I think in an attempt to define their individuality .

I can and will still set the standard and the expectation. My house, my rules. Don't ask what the consequences will be because DD is 14 months old, and I have no idea what will work for her at that time.

[mamakarata]

Wow. A lot of interesting feed back. Thank you everyone!

I too am amazed at the after marriage votes! I wonder what the statistics of how many people actually succeed at doing this? That is some serious pressure.

I think what was important, was that our decision was based on our daughter alone, and who she is. No time frames, no ideology, no shame, and no judgment.

In our case, she was able to share with me how she felt about her first time. And how it was kind of funny, and what song was playing, and how that is special to them now.

Do I want to walk in on it? No! Not anymore than I want her walking in on me and dh! It's a timing thing. It's just basic courtesy. But like her first step, her first report card, her first award, and even her first kiss, (yes, we even shared that- and I cried), I want to be there for her!

Now, was it easy to make that decision? Not at first. I had all of those societal messages, and critics and shaming voices in my head that came up, and one at a time, i looked at it, considered the source of anxiety (fear) and even actually shared that process with her.

How the pain of growing up in a society that places so much weight on girls' virginity, at the same time as objectifying women. It's a complicated course to navigate through while maintaining your own dignity and self respect.

And I say, B.S! Don't give in to it. When they started dating (and he too is 16 btw) we had many discussions about if she was ready. And the only reason I share this much, is because she and I actually talked about writing a book on our experience to help other parents and teens.

Does she expect she and her boyfriend to "live happily ever after"- not particularly. She loves him as much as 16 yo can love. She plans on college. He doesn't.

It's not realistic for us to think that she shouldn't do what her body is geared to do and wants to do. And to think she should be focusing on finding her life mate! Are we crazy? She's in high school!

Sex doesn't have to be a bad thing. PEOPLE make it a bad thing. In and of itself, it's a GOOD thing!

She has a best friend who's mom basically can't say when she would ever feel comfortable with it (kind of like the first replier from my original post) but only knows she is very disapproving of her having sex at all right now.

And this same girl spends all of her time trying to find ways to be with her boyfriend. She got a job to buy a car so she can get out of the house. She quit her sports to get this job. Her whole focus is on this. And his too. They do it in places and at times you don't even want to know because they have to sneak. He is driving around at 2am to sneak over to her.

Now I don't know about you, but I don't want my kid driving around after midnight, sneaking out, having to put this much effort into having sex! They will find a way. And to instill "sex after marriage" and not think they will come away from their teen years feeling shameful that they wanted it, resented their parents for not getting it, or worse, the guilt when they get it by defying or lying to their parents.

And this girl had always been very close to her Mom. A great student and athlete. Until the issue of sex. They fight about it. It changed their relationship. And i see how much energy and sadness surrounds sex and getting or not getting it.

Now sex has become a BAD thing for her. It holds all of this baggage. It's surrounded in shame, sneakiness, guilt for defying her mom, anger for feeling she is old enough to know what is right for her body. It's positively sad to me.

So there you have it.

Someone replied saying they wouldn't feel comfortable even when their kid was 30. Now it was surely said in jest. But there is nothing original about that joke. It all still alludes to the shame.

Keep voting kids. I am fascinated by the responses.

[wonderwahine]

I'm not the mom of a teen, but i comend you for being such a great mom!

my relationship with my mum was very open and we discussed sex etc. The age of consent in new zealand where I grew up is 16. My mum was very accepting, and even though I was allowed the freedom for birth control and to have sex etc...... i didnt, I personally choose to wait until i found my commited partner, now, thats not to say any sexual activity never went on

I plan to fully inform my son, and any kids i have after him, and id rather it be in my house than a backseat of a car at a lookout point.

[majikfaerie]

Mamakarata,
please, write that book!
I'm totally where you're at on this one...
admittedly, my DD is 4, and when the topic comes up, I always joke that as soon as she hits puberty we're packing her off to a Swiss Boarding School in a full-body cast-iron chastity belt...
but I'm just joking
I think the reality will be something like a lifetime of open and honest communication, and loving support of whatever choices she makes. And of COURSE I'd rather she be consenting, with a partner, safe under my own roof, rather than sneaking around in parking lots and alleyways. Heck, I remember being 16, and how much energy was focused on sneaking around. My parents learned their lesson, by the time my sister reached adolescence, they let the BF move in, and she's the one who stayed in school and went to college...

[mamakarata]

Originally Posted by intorainbowz

I can and will still set the standard and the expectation. My house, my rules. Don't ask what the consequences will be because DD is 14 months old, and I have no idea what will work for her at that time.

but at what cost?

[intorainbowz]

Cost?

Well from my beliefs, and only my beliefs which I will be teaching DD... her eternal happiness.

As I don't want to be the preachy one here, and I seem to be raining on the its all good parade, I'm out.

[KMK_Mama]

Wow, I think what you are doing is amazing! I hope to have such a close relationship with my children as they grow up. I wouldn't have dreamed of discussing topics such as sex and BC with MY Mom. She did tape magazine articles and stuff related to sex and BC on the fridge, but I think she meant it more for my older brothers than for me. I met my DH at 15, we had sex at 16 (he was 18) and the first time WAS in my room at home, but if my parents had known that, I would have been in BIG trouble. I did go on BC when I was 16, about a month before we had sex for the first time, and my Mom had talked to the doctor before-hand letting him know her concerns. So, she knew I was going to have sex and approved of BC, IF having sex was what I was going to do anyways. It was. The more they told me NOT to have sex, the more I wanted it. The earlier my curfew got, the more I snuck out, etc.

Anyhow, I don't how a Mom goes about having such an open relationship with their teenage daughter, but I hope my DD's and I can. I would like to think I would be OK with allowing my DD to have sex in my home, as long as I thought she was mature enough. I guess we'll see when the time comes.

I am curious though.....do you like her boyfriend? If so, what if you didn't? Would you still allow it??

[UnschoolnMa]

As a former teen parent twice over you can imagine that we've had many sex discussions with our teens over the years. (Starting when they weren't teens lol.) I came from a home where sex was discussed in hushed tones so "little ears" couldn't hear, and where intimacy was treated as though it was dirty and embarrasing. All that made me think that sex was the greatest thing ever in a forbidden fruit kind of way. My mom said "You're too young to worry about sex." or "Don't do it until you are older and hopefully married."

So, armed with that glorious lack of info, raging hormones, and a well developed body I promptly went out and ran right into older men. I was 13. Jesus, what a recipe for disaster that was. The worst part was knowing that, even when I started to feel lost and overwhelmed, I couldn't turn to my Mom. I got pregnant at 14 with Ds.

I know that was kinda OT, but it directly shaped how I have handled talking about sex with the kids. I've been very open, very willing to help them understand from a biological POV and the more mental/emotional/ personal perspective. No subject or question is off limits. (though I retain the right to some privacy about my own sex life in minute detail, of course. They don't want that info anyway though. ) I wanted them to know about birth control, body parts, diseases, and etc. I have also been very honest about the fact that I hope they will not take the same risks I did, and that I hope they think much more deeply about their sexual decisions than I did. I've been honest that I hope they are older than I was too. (I was 13) I am more comfortable with them having sexual partners at 17 than I would be at 15, but I don't think there is a golden age that I can say "Yep, that's it."

Bottom line? I don't care about them being married or not. I care about them being strong in themselves, educated, healthy, safe, and respected. What I want most is for them to be fully in control of their sexual decisions when the time comes, and to have far fewer regrets than I do. As far as when? Well, Ds is 16 and has never dated. Dd is going on 14 and isn't there yet either. By the time I was those ages I was a parent and working on #2. So far so good. If they start a sexual relationship and I have any concerns I'd share them just like I would about anything else. I see little reason to banish my sexually active teen to somewhere else to be intimate. It is their home as much as it is mine, and I have sex there so....?

[UnschoolnMa]

Mamakarata,
I just wanted to say that I loved so many parts of your post that there were too many to highlight! I totally agree about the emphasis on virginity being strange (not flaming any religion here...), and that the idea of hoping a 16 year old is finding her lifetime soul mate is a tad squicky. I love how open and honest and trusting you and your Dd are, and it's exactly what we aim for around my place too. It's not perfect, and it gets bumpy sometimes, but we press on as respectfully as we can.

[nonconformnmom]

Originally Posted by Bestbirths

Why can't the person say if they are sexually deviant during the courtship process?

Um. Isn't the very nature of deviancy a thing that is kept secret? Something that is considered shameful, outside the norm, something that must be indulged in furtively? I can't imagine anyone out on the 5th date (or the 50th) and saying, "Oh, by the way, I enjoy spanking my partner during intercourse." (I purposesly picked one of the more milder forms of deviancy, since this is a family board. What I'm worried about is much, much worse tendencies.)

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

Um. Isn't the very nature of deviancy a thing that is kept secret? Something that is considered shameful, outside the norm, something that must be indulged in furtively? I can't imagine anyone out on the 5th date (or the 50th) and saying, "Oh, by the way, I enjoy spanking my partner during intercourse." (I purposesly picked one of the more milder forms of deviancy, since this is a family board. What I'm worried about is much, much worse tendencies.)

I am guessing that it would be possible to hide they are physically abusive until they are married. I do realize there are signs typically for domestic violence, but not in all cases. There are any number of things a person could choose to not be completely honest about or not disclose before marriage that have nothing to do with sex. I would say it would be a deal-breaker if a partner was engaging in behavior such as sexual deviance that wasn't acceptable to both parties.

[nonconformnmom]

Houdini-
Sure. But that's why forbidding sex before marriage seems unwise on at least one front in that doing so could prevent a couple from going through with a marriage, only to find out on their wedding night or a few nights later, that they are sexually incompatible to a very serious degree.

I am all for discouraging sex before marriage - I did it wiht my dd. She chose to have sex anyway, but at least I went on record as saying I do not support it, but that I would provide protection and birth control. It's the outright forbidding that I don't understand. Also, there's the whole 'forbidden fruit' thing ...

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

Houdini-
Sure. But that's why forbidding sex before marriage seems unwise on at least one front in that doing so could prevent a couple from going through with a marriage, only to find out on their wedding night or a few nights later, that they are sexually incompatible to a very serious degree.

I am all for discouraging sex before marriage - I did it wiht my dd. She chose to have sex anyway, but at least I went on record as saying I do not support it, but that I would provide protection and birth control. It's the outright forbidding that I don't understand. Also, there's the whole 'forbidden fruit' thing ...

I am in much the same camp as what you did with your dd. I am well aware that they may choose to have sex outside of marriage and I really can't forbid anything. I will also provide protection/bc. It may be interesting in our house though b/c my husband is very much in the forbid it/don't provide protection camp. We are still working through that. I have been saying my opinion and he says his and we are going from there. Luckily, we aren't to the sex stage (for lack of a better word) yet, though it is coming up quickly.

[limabean]

I don't go for the "if they're going to do it, it might as well be at home" argument. I hear parents who provide alcohol to their teens say the same thing. Yes, kids might drink or have sex, even at home without their parents knowing, but that's different than the parent outright condoning it.

I will be very open with my kids about sex, but I'm also going to be open about our family's values, and handing my kids a beer or a condom on their way to their bedroom isn't part of that.

[Arduinna]

I'm fine with it. She has had her boyfriend come stay at our house. It's not a problem.

[A&A]

I voted that "none of the options really fit my opinion."

My dd is only 10. So I'm only speaking hypothetically now. I wouldn't exactly call it "fine" in my house, but I would understand (at a certain age--not sure what that age would be.) And of course I would want to stress the importance of using condoms.

Even if I were ok with her having sex (at an older age, of course), a boyfriend wouldn't be staying the night. That would be too much like moving in.