How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 5

[limabean]

Originally Posted by mamakarata

I find this argument interesting. How sex and alcohol are put in the same category. One is a poison. The other is ??? bad?

Oh, I'm not directly comparing the two, just using them as an example because the parents I've known who let their kids drink at home have used the same argument as some of the parents in this thread use as a reason to let their kids have sex at home. I just don't agree with that particular argument in either case.

[mamakarata]

Originally Posted by dnw826

Yes, they both can be good or bad. It depends on the responsibilities taken on and how you approach it. I see drinking a beer as less a problem than my kid getting HPV. Condoms do not always protect, especially when it's not just intercourse.

See now this is where we fundamentally disagree. Alcohol is just the thing that would cloud the judgement of whether they are being responsible. It IS bad. Sex is only as bad as people make it; i.e unprotected, non-consentual

Originally Posted by dnw826

I don't want to not be open about it, I expect my children (and brothers) to be responsible about it, and open up to me. Not that it won't squick me out, and I don't want it under my roof, dagnabit, but I would never assume they are a virgin or have so distant a relationship they can't talk to me about it. That would be a real crime. But I also would not encourage it. Can't you see the difference?

You don't "want to not be open about it" yet you "don't want to think about it" how would they ever feel comfortable with that vibe in the air?

Originally Posted by dnw826

It's unwanted because apparently the tone by many is that I am doing my children wrong by not condoning their doing the hanky panky in my house (or my brothers-squick!!!). My parents (or mother, sdad wasn't around much) were very liberal, sexually open (too much) people. I had the talk. I was told once she'd kill me if I did it, but then she turned her opinion around and changed. Trust me, they were WAY too understanding and open. One time I found some pictures....*shudders* I should be thankful it didn't make me a nun.

hanky panky "generally used to mean any number of activities of which the speaker does not approve.." the baggage, the endless baggage! Your parents sounded confused and shared too much. Remember that when you "squick" out!

Originally Posted by dnw826

And I see the opposite (at least in my circles, but I'm not fundamental in any way, shape, or form) reaction to sex. It is very open and WAY too objectifying of women. Not to mention the pressure and role given to boys and men. It is sickening to me that sex is not something good and sacred, but something to sell toothpaste and pencils and whatnot. THAT is the real crime. Rising numbers of STDs, HIV, and deadbeat fathers also scare me. I have been truly lucky to not ever have a STD, and I would be crushed if my child had to live with that stigma and physical pain.

I agree!

Originally Posted by dnw826

I just hope to teach my kids that sex isn't just something to do because "everyone is doing it" and they want to. Self control and responsibility are learned and trust is to be earned. I am not going to get them chastity belts, but hope to teach them that it is not cool, in my book to GIO at a young age, even if I have to tell them every horrid detail about my past and my friends' pasts.

Me too! So we DO agree! And you will be able to do just that if you can not "squick out" (at least visibly) I certainly wanted her to do it when SHE was ready, and under no pressure etc.

And in the end, she felt ready. So now what? "No you can't?" This is where the relationship breaks down if an understanding is not made that includes dd's maturity and input. It's just a matter of communication and understanding. Once it becomes a battle, it's all over.

Thanks for sticking around!

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by mamakarata

You don't "want to not be open about it" yet you "don't want to think about it" how would they ever feel comfortable with that vibe in the air?

hanky panky "generally used to mean any number of activities of which the speaker does not approve.." the baggage, the endless baggage! Your parents sounded confused and shared too much. Remember that when you "squick" out!

Nope, sure don't want to think about it! Just like I don't want to think about my cats GIO, or my neighbors, or my parents... I want them to be able to talk to me about it, but that doesn't mean I want to visualize it.

I consider hanky panky to mean the same thing the song meant. There are many terms to use. If I disapproved of sex, I wouldn't have almost 4 kids. And baggage? Honey, you have no idea! But my friends whose parents were open the same way as your relationship with your dd are no more messed up in the sex dept. than I. In fact, I was more conservative in my...practices.

I still disagree about alcohol. One beer doesn't cloud your judgement. Otherwise all those dang Europeans who drink wine with their meals would be nothing but a load of degenerates. If you abuse it, it does have the propensity for damage, that's where the similarity between irresponsible drinking and irresponsible sex comes into play. Clear as mud?

[MillingNome]

Well since my dd likes to read here (don't you have a myspace page to attend to ???) I would definately prefer she wait until she is done with high school and a good chunk of college and is married. It totally has to do with the values I think will serve her best for her life goals. I also am of the mind that there is plenty to do that can be rather fun that does not involve actual sex. It takes discipline but I think we can all admit to knowing more than just sex rocking the world DD and ds will be told anything they want to know barring personal info. They can ask any question and expect an honest answer. That is what I am comfortable with. But as discussed someone where else, it is not always about being comfortable. They are their own people and must be able to know that no matter what they choose, I will love them. It doesn't mean that is what I want for them or think it is best for them in the long run. I can only hope that between what I tell them, they find out through friends and the web, they will know and understand that no action is without consequences.

[UnschoolnMa]

Regarding age of kids: My son is 16 and my daughter is 13.5

[nonconformnmom]

*

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

I'm just curious how old everyones kids are posting in this thread? My dd is 17.

Three boys - 12, 9, and 6....one girl - 10.

[MillingNome]

Originally Posted by mamakarata

And in the end, she felt ready. So now what? "No you can't?" This is where the relationship breaks down if an understanding is not made that includes dd's maturity and input. It's just a matter of communication and understanding. Once it becomes a battle, it's all over.

You do realize the question you asked, right? It was: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?

You didn't ask if we will support our children even if they go against something we value, if we will be open with them about the risk and benefits of sex, or discuss any number of issues surrounding relationships. I am honestly not comfortable with the thought of my dd having sex while still in high school. It is a reflection of what I value and no different than trying to instill any number of other values. It's kind of my job as parent to do that. Those are my expectations. I freely acknowledge dd will draw her own conclusions. I would just like my values to be her starting point. Then she has to thoughtfully reason why she would not hold such a value.

Personally I don't care what anyone else condones in regards to sex for their kids... obviously talking about teens having/ not having sex with other teens with consent. If you're comfortable with your teen having sex in your house, fine. It's your house, your kid, your comfort level, your values. I don't have to agree with you to understand why you condone it. Hopefully the same goes for those of us who hold differing views, even if you don't agree with us. There's more than one right way to raise a kid

[Houdini]

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

You do realize the question you asked, right? It was: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?

You didn't ask if we will support our children even if they go against something we value, if we will be open with them about the risk and benefits of sex, or discuss any number of issues surrounding relationships. I am honestly not comfortable with the thought of my dd having sex while still in high school. It is a reflection of what I value and no different than trying to instill any number of other values. It's kind of my job as parent to do that. Those are my expectations. I freely acknowledge dd will draw her own conclusions. I would just like my values to be her starting point. Then she has to thoughtfully reason why she would not hold such a value.

Personally I don't care what anyone else condones in regards to sex for their kids... obviously talking about teens having/ not having sex with other teens with consent. If you're comfortable with your teen having sex in your house, fine. It's your house, your kid, your comfort level, your values. I don't have to agree with you to understand why you condone it. Hopefully the same goes for those of us who hold differing views, even if you don't agree with us. There's more than one right way to raise a kid

[guestmama9911]

I haven't read all the posts, but I voted after marriage only, and this is how it is going to work.

I raise my children, first off, letting them know that even when they make poor choices, they are still loved and valuable.

However, I do have standards I think will make them happier people, and one of them is to honor their bodies and consider sex to be a wonderful gift you give someone you love and not just recreation or a way to keep a boyfriend. I am going to teach them that saving sex for marriage is a wonderful thing.

I personally did not and I regret it every day. The oolder I got and learned about love and sex and relationships, the more I wish I had been more discriminating and the more I wish I had adopted the Buddhist view of being moderate with your passions.

Now that I am LDS (Mormon), I have an even more beautiful view of sex as the most ultimate form of spiritual connection with a human being. I do not think I am depriving my child by teaching them this belief, but preparing them for something amazing.

Do I condemn people who have sex outside of marriage? That would make no sense, since I did. I have friends are who living together, and I don't love them any less. And I love my children unconditionally. But that doesn't mean I don't want them to have a moral base, and my moral base includes saving sex for marriage.

And my mother taught us all about birth control and STD's when we were very young. But she also taught us about fetal development, how an embryo has a heart beat at only 3 weeks, how the baby looks at each stage of pregnancy. She held nothing back from us so that we could make wise choices. So when I did loose my virginity, at least I was prepared to protect myself physically. I just wasn't prepared to protect myself emotionally.

So this is my take on it.

[guestmama9911]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

I was a virgin when I got married. I was lucky; he and I were compatible. But it could have just as easily gone the other way ....

I have always found this concept a little odd. It seems to me that any two people who are deeply interested in each other's pleasure can create a wonderful sexual relationship. My DH was a virgin when we married - he was very inexperienced in a lot of areas. And my sexual experiences were limited to a selfish first boy friend and a series of abusive ones.

But together we explored and communicated and experimented and now if I may be so bold I must declare our sex life is awesome and creative and sometimes downright kinky. It's just beautiful and spiritual every time. And that's what I want for my children.

[guestmama9911]

Originally Posted by Bestbirths

OK now I am going to really probably freak you out with another thing to think about before you procreate.

I am serious about believing that you should chelate before trying to conceive children.

In our family, which is not unlike most families probably, we have generations of vaccinations, mercury fillings, and in general stupidity (my ancestors visited the nuclear test sites, teledyne, for fun, I kid you not). So, I am watching the worlds worst disaster show on discovery and see that the very teledyne place had a nuclear disaster and didn't inform the public, they were still there watching the cranes move stuff "for fun", and I was like, gee, that was probably my family right there. Any how. By the time these generations go by, enter me having my kiddo's with a mouth chock full of mercury fillings. I didn't vax my kids, except the first. I nursed them and passed toxins through the breastmilk, and probably did major dumps of toxins to them during pregnancies. I didn't get them any mercury fillings, or the youngest four any vaxes, but my children have high levels of mercury, lead and other toxic heavy elements on their hair tests which means they are excreting these toxins from their bodies because it is coming out in their hair.

The best way to do a toxin dump, (in this I am kidding) is to have a pregancy. The toxin load, many believe the mother does a major dump to the fetus. Anyhow, explains in another way besides vaxing only why you have autism and illness rates on the rise. I have talked to our naturopath about this and seen my children's hair tests and we are not comfortable keeping this level of toxins in their bodies, let alone not warning them of the dangers of having children before chelation, not that I wouldn't help them pay to chelate my future grandchildren, but YK? I don't want my teenager to get pregant before she undergoes chelation, and I am serious. Am I like the freaky only one who thinks of these things?

This is v ery interesting. Thanks for sharing this.

[mamakarata]

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

You do realize the question you asked, right? It was: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?

well as you see by the # of pages, the conversation AFTER my question CONTINUED. ??? so ???? is there a board police that says a conversation can't proceed to something that is not EXACTLY what the op was?

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

You didn't ask if we will support our children even if they go against something we value, if we will be open with them about the risk and benefits of sex, or discuss any number of issues surrounding relationships. I am honestly not comfortable with the thought of my dd having sex while still in high school. It is a reflection of what I value and no different than trying to instill any number of other values. It's kind of my job as parent to do that. Those are my expectations. I freely acknowledge dd will draw her own conclusions. I would just like my values to be her starting point. Then she has to thoughtfully reason why she would not hold such a value.

But the convo turned to this, so ? it's a conversation. It's sharing different points of view. It's awesome!

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

Personally I don't care what anyone else condones in regards to sex for their kids... obviously talking about teens having/ not having sex with other teens with consent. If you're comfortable with your teen having sex in your house, fine. It's your house, your kid, your comfort level, your values. I don't have to agree with you to understand why you condone it. Hopefully the same goes for those of us who hold differing views, even if you don't agree with us. There's more than one right way to raise a kid

And I do care. And I do want to know the other perspectives. Which is why I asked! So thanks for sharing!

[Artisan]

I voted for away at school/out of the house. I'm not a proponent of sex in high school. Once you're in college, that becomes a different story. I'm a high school teacher, and even the most responsible long term couples have issues, particularly if they go to the same school. When couples break up (as is quite likely at age 16), drama always ensues. Girls tell their girlfriends about the sex, boys tell their friends, soon the whole school knows their business, and people end up WAY more hurt than they would've otherwise. Colege aged kids have a different attitude about the whole thing, there's generally less gossip and drama, sex is expected and the norm rather than something to gossip about behind others' backs.

My kids are still young, but I'm hoping to stave off sex before college.

[guestmama9911]

Originally Posted by mamakarata

I find this argument interesting. How sex and alcohol are put in the same category. One is a poison. The other is ??? bad?

Both can be bad when misused. I am a living example of that.

Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone

You do realize the question you asked, right? It was: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?

You didn't ask if we will support our children even if they go against something we value, if we will be open with them about the risk and benefits of sex, or discuss any number of issues surrounding relationships. I am honestly not comfortable with the thought of my dd having sex while still in high school. It is a reflection of what I value and no different than trying to instill any number of other values. It's kind of my job as parent to do that. Those are my expectations. I freely acknowledge dd will draw her own conclusions. I would just like my values to be her starting point. Then she has to thoughtfully reason why she would not hold such a value.

Personally I don't care what anyone else condones in regards to sex for their kids... obviously talking about teens having/ not having sex with other teens with consent. If you're comfortable with your teen having sex in your house, fine. It's your house, your kid, your comfort level, your values. I don't have to agree with you to understand why you condone it. Hopefully the same goes for those of us who hold differing views, even if you don't agree with us. There's more than one right way to raise a kid

Good post.

[nonconformnmom]

Alisaterry wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by nonconformnmom
I was a virgin when I got married. I was lucky; he and I were compatible. But it could have just as easily gone the other way ....

I have always found this concept a little odd.

Which concept do you find to be odd (I'm confused)? Being a virgin on the wedding day, or being (in)compatible?

I agree with you that most couples can negotiate a sexual lifestyle that is rewarding and pleasurable for both of them. However, it is not uncommon for one or the other partner to want to do things that their partner is not initially comfortable with or may even find repulsive. I don't want my daughters to discover on their wedding night that their new spouse has expectations of certain sexual behaviors that they are not willing to engage in.

To me, it makes sense to explore the sexual aspects of a relationship, along with the spiritual, social, recreational aspects during the courtship phase. Why do everything else before marriage, and not sex? Does that foster a balanced and healthy relationship? Doesn't it send the message that sex is dirty and bad?

[guestmama9911]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

Alisaterry wrote:



Which concept do you find to be odd (I'm confused)? Being a virgin on the wedding day, or being (in)compatible?

I agree with you that most couples can negotiate a sexual lifestyle that is rewarding and pleasurable for both of them. However, it is not uncommon for one or the other partner to want to do things that their partner is not initially comfortable with or may even find repulsive. I don't want my daughters to discover on their wedding night that their new spouse has expectations of certain sexual behaviors that they are not willing to engage in.

To me, it makes sense to explore the sexual aspects of a relationship, along with the spiritual, social, recreational aspects during the courtship phase. Why do everything else before marriage, and not sex? Does that foster a balanced and healthy relationship? Doesn't it send the message that sex is dirty and bad?

No, it doesn't, if taught right. It sends the message that sex is special and important. I do not buy that teaching a child to wait until marriage teaches that sex is bad. It's the ones that won't talk about it or go off about hell that teach a bad view of sex.

My key sentence was two people who are interested in each other's pleasure. It would not be difficult beforehand to discuss sexual expectations, as my husband and I did, since as I stated he was a virgin when we married. A partner who pressures his or her spouse to do things sexually has other issues besides sexual incompatibility. To me "sexual incompatibility" is another phrase for "selfishness" or even "emotional abuse."

[Arduinna]

I agree with you that most couples can negotiate a sexual lifestyle that is rewarding and pleasurable for both of them. However, it is not uncommon for one or the other partner to want to do things that their partner is not initially comfortable with or may even find repulsive. I don't want my daughters to discover on their wedding night that their new spouse has expectations of certain sexual behaviors that they are not willing to engage in.

Or vice versa, for that matter. I mean it goes both ways.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by Arduinna

Or vice versa, for that matter. I mean it goes both ways.

Very true. I respect someone wanting to wait until marriage. But for me, personally, I would never enforce it (how would you even?) or do it myself. But I often wonder if I would have...

Oh, and I swear some of my posts here are missing. I don't know if my 'puter is messed up or I'm being edited. Or maybe I'm just going crazy...

[talk de jour]

Originally Posted by dnw826

14??? Yeah, not in the states. Maybe Arkansas. But I think even that has an age limit with the age of the partner-i.e. the bf over the age of 16, 18, whatever.

Ummmm, the age of consent in MO is 14 with partners up to 20yo.

21 and up requires the younger to be 17.