Sister leaving 2 little ones for 3 weeks!!

[Happy Becky]

I just HAVE to post this....to vent or whatever! I just cannot fathom doing this myself!!

My sister is 23 and has a 3 yr old son and 18 mo. dd. It seems like my sister and brother-in-law wanted kids early and now that they have them, they're too immature to quit acting like dumb kids and like a real Mommy and Daddy. I don't know...

My brother-in-law is in Korea for one year and my sister is leaving on the 24th to go visit him for two weeks. She's going to leave her two kids with his parents!! The worst part is, to make the "drop-off" easier, she's taking them to meet her father-in-law 4 days early so that it falls on the weekend! So now by the time they are there for 4 days, my sister is in Korea for two weeks and gets back to get them, the kids will be at their grandparents house for 3 weeks w/o Mommy or Daddy!!! I just cannot fathom doing this to my kids! 3 weeks is WAY too long! My nephew--3 yo-- had a VERY rough time with the transition to his Daddy being gone when he went to Korea in May. He's been acting up like crazy lately and I don't think my sister knows how to deal with him or discipline him lovingly so I think he's running amuck and I'm afraid for what this three week separation is going to do to him now! The kids are not going to be able to understand that in 21 days Mommy will be back...that she just went on a long vacation without them!!

Also, this was their first week in a brand new day care full-time instead of part-time...don't even get me started on this issue!! My sister goes to school every morning from 8-11 or 12 so the kids were in daycare for the mornings after their Daddy left. Now she switched them to a different day care for all day so that she can have more time to do whatever...she's a massage therapist and wants to build her clientell...but also now she can go to the gym by herself, go grocery shopping by herself, etc. etc. It just seems so crazily selfish to me! I just could not do it! I'm not trying to undermine the hardship she is going thru, with her hubbie deployed for a year, basically being a single parent for a whole year, etc...but it seems to me there has got to be other ways to deal with it and get some "alone" time to keep her sanity. It just makes me feel like she is NOT ready to drop her own priorities to be a M-O-M-M-Y. It seems so selfish and immature to me!

I just really feel that it is my calling to be a Mom and that being one is THE single most important job on the earth! I am willing to forsake myself for my kids' comfort, etc. She's just not doing that and I can't see where she's coming from.

I should stop now...what do you all think?? I'm sad for my nephew and niece!

[A Boy's Mama]

So it's somehow better for the kids to be picked up from daycare where they are playing with other kids and having fun so they can go grocery shopping with their mom or hang out watching the tube or whatever while she works with a client? I understand that you're saying you're upset for your neice and nephew but it sounds to me like something else is going on for you to be so angry about this. The situation you describe just doesn't really sound like the end of the world to me.

[phathui5]

It just seems so crazily selfish to me!

It sounds like her way of coping to me. Full time daycare is not something I would use, but I certainly call in help when dh is out of town or working more than usual. I can't imagine how much it would suck if he were away for a year.

[artgoddess]

I think everyone parents differently. I try not to say which is better or worse, just that there are different styles that work for different families.

[**guest**]

poor babies. 3 weeks is so long, too long, especially in their age.

[**guest**]

Originally Posted by A Boy's Mama

So it's somehow better for the kids to be picked up from daycare where they are playing with other kids and having fun so they can go grocery shopping with their mom .

am i the only one to think that grocery shopping with a parent, being included and part of the family, is more valuable and a better confidence builder, than playing in an institutional setting? we have fun grocery shopping together! most of the time.

[glorified_rice]

Originally Posted by annabanana

am i the only one to think that grocery shopping with a parent, being included and part of the family, is more valuable and a better confidence builder, than playing in an institutional setting? we have fun grocery shopping together! most of the time.

No you're not the only one Grocery shopping is something we always do as a family. I don't really care what the activity is, most kids, I think, would prefer to be with their parent over a childcare center. I'm not going to pass judgment on your sister, OP, because I'm sure she is going through a very challenging time, but I think I would feel as frustrated as you do.

[kaydee]

OP, I'm curious...what help have you offered her during this difficult time?

[Terrilein]

Wow, three weeks is an awefully long time, but I'd give her credit for bringing the kids to her IL's a few days in advance of the trip to get the "acclimated". She's still there if they (the children or the IL's) really need her to get through those first few rough days. I just hope she calls them every few days to remind them that she'll be back soon. I remember vividly going on a two-week vacation with my dd sans Papa when she was 18 months - from her behavior I think she thought we weren't ever going home again and she missed her Papa terribly. We tried calling him, but kept missing him and I didn't want to put a strain on my brother's phone bill by making over-seas phone calls every day. DD did finally adjust, but when we finally got home, she looked unhappy to be on the move again and then it clicked with her. She recognized our home and Papa came running to the door to greet her. She was sooooooo happy. Her world was whole again.

[lula]

If her and dh really need this time together I think it is actually a good idea. For many kids having mom/dad in a positive, healthy relationship is a huge benefit. I think the trip could help the parents' relationship. Two or three weeks in the course of one year is not much time to spend with dh.

I actually think the trip may be a great thing. The kids are also with grandma/grandpa, she didn't abandon them!

[Lingmom]

At a guess, I think it sounds as if she's making the choices that she thinks will benefit her family best. If seeing her husband for two weeks in a year might make their marriage stronger, then it might well be in the best interest of her kids.

If building her business brings in more money to her family or supports her own career and brings her happiness, then it's probably also in the best interest of her kids.

And if it's true that she's immature or not entirely ready to be mom, it sounds as if enrolling her children in a day care or including the support of her in-laws is probably also in the children's best interest.

[*clementine*]

WHAT?!?!?!?
I can't believe you're getting so many "whatever" responses.:
My son is 15 months and I'm going to be the only one staying at a hotel all night with the baby while everyone else in dh's family goes out in the city....because I won't leave him even for 4 hours to have fun. We'll have fun just the two of us. (I tried to leave him with my mom for two hours and he's just not ready.) I can't imagine three weeks. And full time day care......okay.
I think you're right to be heart broken for those babies.

[lula]

I really think it is important to take into account the fact that your sister is dealing with a spouse who is deployed for 12 months. Korea is not a combat zone etc but it isn't a "fun" place to be deployed. (my brother was deployed in Korea) So many marriages break up or hit rough spots over year long deployments that I think it is a good thing that she is using some resources to focus on her marriage. How is that bad for the kids in the long run?

Leaving your children for 3 weeks on a whim for a "vacation" is IMO a completely different beast than leaving them to go visit your dh/their father. Dealing with a spouse being GONE is a difficult experience that may cause people to do things they otherwise wouldn't consider. I also think lightening up on her using daycare full time is in order. She is going to school, dealing with her husband being gone, spending at least some time working on a business, maybe the time off helps her be a better mama and more "on" when she is with her kids.

I would worry about how she is handling her son's separation issues, discipline etc because I think those things would be really hard for anyone to deal with. She may just be a woman who feels a little overwhelmed. Not everybody can be superwoman and that doesn't make her a bad person or bad mother. I guess I would need a little more insight into exactly what is wrong with this situation before I would be willing to say there is a problem.

[JustJamie]

Would you prefer she take these two kids with her to Korea? (international travel involves ALL kinds of fun stuff - passports for both kids, both kids would be required to have ticketed seats, so that just tripled the cost of the flight, not to mention the stress of 2 small kids on a flight that long by herself...)

IMO, I don't see what she's doing is wrong or bad, and my heart is NOT breaking for her kids. They get to spend 3 fun weeks with Grandma and Grandpa!!!

To be honest, if my husband were sent to Korea for a year, I'd be leaving my kids with their grandparents so I could visit him, too.

It sounds to me like you have no concept of what it's really like to have your spouse deployed for a year, and left to manage 2 kids on your own. You don't feel comfortable with married couples, cause your partner isn't with you, and you're not welcome amongst single parents because you have the audacity to still be married...never mind that you have this constant nagging fear in the back of your mind that you may never see your spouse alive again, and how would you explain to your kids that their mommy/daddy is never coming home?

IMO, if you're sad about your niece/nephew staying with their grandparents for 3 weeks, offer to watch them for a week - or just butt out.

ETA: Korea is not an official combat zone, but it is considered a hardship/dangerous tour, which is why families aren't allowed to accompany their soldiers there. Not "officially" a war zone, but close enough that I don't want my kids near a military base there.

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by jillkuster

WHAT?!?!?!?
I can't believe you're getting so many "whatever" responses.:
My son is 15 months and I'm going to be the only one staying at a hotel all night with the baby while everyone else in dh's family goes out in the city....because I won't leave him even for 4 hours to have fun. We'll have fun just the two of us. (I tried to leave him with my mom for two hours and he's just not ready.) I can't imagine three weeks. And full time day care......okay.
I think you're right to be heart broken for those babies.

But that's you. That doesn't mean what she's doing is wrong or amounts to being a bad parent or neglected children in need of someone's breaking heart.

When DS was just turning 2 years old he and BF took a week long trip with BF's parents and sister, BIL and their kids. DS had finished nursing and I didn't go because I needed some time alone, didn't have any desire to go to Hilton Head (gag) and I knew how much fun BF and DS would have with everyone. DS had so much fun and didn't miss me at all, despite never being away from me before. But he was with family and in capable and loving hands.

And then at almost 5 BF and I were offered an all expense once in a life time 2 week trip to Paris. After some hemming and hawing we took the trip and DS stayed with my parents. And again he LOVED it. He still glows when he talks about it two years later. He was with people who adore him and engage him and honour who he is - and these aren't people who live near by either. But man that kid and my parents are so bonded. We didn't talk every day - that just wasn't practical or needed. And just in case this needs to be said, DS is and has always been wonderfully attached. He was still co-sleeping during both times away from me. The first time he co-slept with BF (his dad) and while BF and I were in France he co-slept with my parents. He's turning 7 and still carried while we're out, usually by piggy back but often carried in my arms. He feels loved and secure.

Neither times were myself or BF neglecting to be parents. And when he decided to add DS to our lives it wasn't to drop everything and be M-O-M-M-Y and D-A-D-D-Y and in fact as the mother of a son it's even more important to me that DS not see me as someone who put her whole life on hold to parent him, without accepting help from family, friends and community, and to the detriment of myself and exclusion of my needs. Too many men in our culture have been raised to believe it is a woman's job to put his needs first and I don't feel the need to perpetuate that. That's not healthy or balanced. But living consensually is really important to us and that means we all work together to make sure we're all getting what we need.

It sounds like your niece and nephew are getting what they need and are surrounded by loving caregivers and family. What's heartbreaking about that? Having worked in shelters I can tell you a lot of heartbreaking stories; a story about children staying with loving grandparents and who attend day care while their mom works on her schooling and business isn't one of them.

[paulaf]

If she were my sister, I think I would try to cut her some slack. Granted, 3 weeks is a long time, but if it helps her marriage... I have always read that in a healthy family, the spouses take care of the marriage first, then the children. DH and I left Zoey with my parents for a week when she was 3. It was harder on my parents than on her. However, if the grandparents are up to taking care of little ones for that long - the spoiling may be good for both sides. And what an opportunity for the grandparents and grandkids to get to know each other!!

As for the daycare, as long as it is a good program, the kids may love going. Of course they will miss mom, but the lure of good activities and toys that they probably don't have at home will make daycare pretty enticing to the little ones. The structure of an organized program may also be very beneficial to your nephew. Considering his dad left and his mom has an unpredictable schedule, structure may be a good thing right now.

As for taking the kids to day care instead of grocery shopping, keep in mind - it's grocery shopping! She is not out partying, but taking care of her family's needs. Sure the kids will have to learn how to behave when they are out and about with mom, but they can start learning that on shorter trips, like when she has to make a quick run for milk or bread on Sunday evening. If mom can get her chores done while the kids are at daycare, she may well be more apt to do something like take the kids to the park or the movies. Considering that mom is, for all intents and purposes, a single mom right now, I think daycare might be a reasonable option to help her lessen her stressload.

Paula

[CaraNicole]

why can't the kids go with her? i sorry it's late so i may have missed the reason but i think i would be bending over backwards to make sure it was a "family trip"... i'm not going to give you a whatever response b/c i would be upset...those poor babies...i know it has to be a hard thing to deal with but maybe i'm tainted by all the stories of dads deployed and mom ships the kids off to daycare and has an affair (happened to several of my guy friends) i would think that she would want to spend extra time w/her kids to make up for dad being gone...this is just my sleepy rambling but i think the kids (wow they are still REALLY young) would need mommy more than ever...

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by CaraNicole

why can't the kids go with her? i sorry it's late so i may have missed the reason but i think i would be bending over backwards to make sure it was a "family trip"...

Originally Posted by JustJamie

ETA: Korea is not an official combat zone, but it is considered a hardship/dangerous tour, which is why families aren't allowed to accompany their soldiers there. Not "officially" a war zone, but close enough that I don't want my kids near a military base there.

Originally Posted by CaraNicole

...this is just my sleepy rambling but i think the kids (wow they are still REALLY young) would need mommy more than ever...

They have their mom. Kids in day care are not parent-less. They are not abandoned or unloved or neglected and they make up the majority of kids in North America. And while their mom is planning to be away they will be with family. Family who love them and know how to take care of them and will most likely cherish the time they have with them. This idea that kids can't be away from their mom and in the care of other trusted, loving, competent and loved (by the kids) caregivers is unhealthy and puts too big a burden on mothers. For a variety of reasons moms aren't always or can't always be with their kids 24/7 and instead of damning them maybe we need to look at how to support them.

Kaydee asked an important question up thread and I hope the OP comes back to answer it.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

She is coming to Korea for a couple weeks to visit her DH. The kids get to spend a few weeks with their grandparents. Saying that she is selfish because she isn't bringing the kids to Korea with her (the flights are expensive and getting a passport takes forever, which is beside the point) feels almost like a slap in the face to those of us mommas who had to leave our dc behind for 52 weeks while we are in Korea. Because we were not permitted to bring our families. (Not everyone has command sponsorship--and not everyone can afford to bring their families over on their own). I hope she has a pleasant stay in Korea. I wish my husband could come to Seoul. However, because of the price of plane tix and the passport issues, I will be visiting them in the US.

[JustJamie]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

She is coming to Korea for a couple weeks to visit her DH. The kids get to spend a few weeks with their grandparents. Saying that she is selfish because she isn't bringing the kids to Korea with her (the flights are expensive and getting a passport takes forever, which is beside the point) feels almost like a slap in the face to those of us mommas who had to leave our dc behind for 52 weeks while we are in Korea. Because we were not permitted to bring our families. (Not everyone has command sponsorship--and not everyone can afford to bring their families over on their own). I hope she has a pleasant stay in Korea. I wish my husband could come to Seoul. However, because of the price of plane tix and the passport issues, I will be visiting them in the US.