Sister leaving 2 little ones for 3 weeks!! - Page 2

[anubis]

Three weeks without mum is a long time for small kids. A year apart is a long time in a relationship. I'd say they are the only people who can decide which choice is best for their family, and I can't really judge them for whichever choice they made.

I wouldn't like to be put in that situation at all. However, I can see myself going to see my DP, even if it meant leaving kids behind. I don't think it's a selfish choice as such (unless wanting to have a happy family counts as selfish). I wouldn't want to be so attached to my kids that I'd drift apart from my DP. If taking the kids with me was an option, I'd probably do that. But the situation in Korea, as has been mentioned by several pp's, might not be the best for kids. I honestly don't know enough to say whether I'd take them with me or not, I'd have to find out more about it.

As for the daycare thing, I really think most people (and that includes mums, they are human, after all) need time for themselves. I don't have kids yet so I don't know what my own me-time need level will be, but I do think it's important for people to get that need met. I don't know if I'd be comfortable saying that someone else is doing something wrong simply because they need more or less downtime than me.

But then again, I don't think being a mother is the most important job in the world, so we already disagree there.

[nicole lisa]

2lilsweetfoxes,

Those of you condemning this mom can you read 2lilsweetfoxes' post. Do you see her sig:

Missing my darling children. 10 months until I am with them again.

Can you imagine how this thread sounds to her? To her desire to have her husband visit her while she's away?

Unless anyone posting on this thread has first hand experience with a spouse deployed and running a house, caring on her/his own for two small children while also attending school and trying to get a business off the ground I don't think they can judge.

[CaraNicole]

Originally Posted by nicole lisa

They have their mom. Kids in day care are not parent-less. They are not abandoned or unloved or neglected and they make up the majority of kids in North America. And while their mom is planning to be away they will be with family. Family who love them and know how to take care of them and will most likely cherish the time they have with them. This idea that kids can't be away from their mom and in the care of other trusted, loving, competent and loved (by the kids) caregivers is unhealthy and puts too big a burden on mothers. For a variety of reasons moms aren't always or can't always be with their kids 24/7 and instead of damning them maybe we need to look at how to support them.

Kaydee asked an important question up thread and I hope the OP comes back to answer it.

umm... JustJamie isn't the OP Happy Becky is...

i know they have their mom...never said kids in day care were parentless nor would i ever say such a thing, you assumed that...abandoned or unloved or neglected isn't that making a huge leap? i never said kids couldn't be away from their mothers, sure they can but 21 days is pushing it yk? well for my family and alotta people i know anyways...i'm sorry but you don't seem to have got my post (no snark)

the point was these kids ARE young, dad is gone for a YEAR and i would think w/one parent being gone the other parent would spend EXTRA time with the kids...but that's just how i do things, the op wanted opinions and i gave mine, never expected it to be pick apart but oh well...stuff happens <SCRIPT type=text/javascript> vbmenu_register("postmenu_8656268", true); </SCRIPT>

[CaraNicole]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

She is coming to Korea for a couple weeks to visit her DH. The kids get to spend a few weeks with their grandparents. Saying that she is selfish because she isn't bringing the kids to Korea with her (the flights are expensive and getting a passport takes forever, which is beside the point) feels almost like a slap in the face to those of us mommas who had to leave our dc behind for 52 weeks while we are in Korea. Because we were not permitted to bring our families. (Not everyone has command sponsorship--and not everyone can afford to bring their families over on their own). I hope she has a pleasant stay in Korea. I wish my husband could come to Seoul. However, because of the price of plane tix and the passport issues, I will be visiting them in the US.

please tell me where i said this mom was being selfish? i just asked why the kids couldn't go!

[2lilsweetfoxes]

>>please tell me where i said this mom was being selfish? i just asked why the kids couldn't go!

Maybe they cannot afford the $4500 average it would cost for three plane tickets (assuming they live near a major international hub such as New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, or San Francisco) and buying mom's ticket is stretching their budget. I paid almost $3000 for a round trip ticket just for myself to go home to Oklahoma this weekend for a couple weeks. I am going to assume the children may not have passports and mom cannot wait to take the trip because of school or work committments.

Otherwise, if EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program--the program for special needs family members of military servicemembers) could clear my autistic son to come to Korea, and he could get the therapies he requires here, I would have fought for a command sponsorship. And would stay until I was kicked out of the country. It is really nice and pretty child friendly. Just stay out of the bar district at night...

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by CaraNicole

umm... JustJamie isn't the OP Happy Becky is...

I didn't confuse that. It was JustJamie who answered the question why the kids couldn't go with mom and I re-posted it as it seems you missed it. JustJamie isn't the OP but she knows about deployment to Korea and was able to clear up why the kids aren't going with mom, aside from the extravagant expense for a military family with a family member in school.

Originally Posted by CaraNicole

i know they have their mom...never said kids in day care were parentless nor would i ever say such a thing, you assumed that...abandoned or unloved or neglected isn't that making a huge leap? i never said kids couldn't be away from their mothers, sure they can but 21 days is pushing it yk? well for my family and alotta people i know anyways...i'm sorry but you don't seem to have got my post (no snark)

I did get your post and you seem to be assuming this mom isn't there for her kids or there EXTRA. You wrote you think they need their mom more now and I'm just arguing the idea that she isn't there more for them now. And even if she isn't every day all day neither are any of us. If we're honest none of us are there 100% for our kids all the time but we love them and care for them as best as we can at the time. And there's nothing wrong with that. It wasn't just your post either, but the ones earlier saying the kids don't need to be in care and that it's heartbreaking etc. Yours was just another one showing very little support for what is, I'm sure, a very tough situation for this woman and her family and one I'm glad I have the luxury to not be in.

Originally Posted by CaraNicole

the point was these kids ARE young, dad is gone for a YEAR and i would think w/one parent being gone the other parent would spend EXTRA time with the kids...but that's just how i do things, the op wanted opinions and i gave mine, never expected it to be pick apart but oh well...stuff happens <SCRIPT type=text/javascript> vbmenu_register("postmenu_8656268", true); </SCRIPT>

She is spending EXTRA time with her babes. She's spending a great more deal unsupported time than most parents. She's parenting all on her own while missing her spouse and doing everything else that needs doing (school, house, business etc). My guess is she's taking on way more than I am and my son's with me every day all day. But I get the option of going out for a walk when BF gets home, or seeing a movie with friends, or having a bath uninterrupted or just sitting down and letting BF do the bedtime stuff or read to DS. I also have the luxury of knowing how BF is doing simply by looking in his eyes when he walks through the door.

[Quindin]

I too was wondering what kind of support the OP has been offering her sister in these difficult times. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must be to have a husband away for 1 year.

I find this quote very harsh for example:

My sister is 23 and has a 3 yr old son and 18 mo. dd. It seems like my sister and brother-in-law wanted kids early and now that they have them, they're too immature to quit acting like dumb kids and like a real Mommy and Daddy. I don't know...

It sounds like you and your sister don't have a good relationship. Have you told her how you feel and have you offered any help? Wouldn't it be reasonable to cut her some slack and try to put yourself in her shoes? I mean, her husband is away for 1 year and she wants to go see him for a little bit. Though I have never traveled for more than 2 days without the kids, I can see how it could be too complicated and expensive to bring little ones to Korea. The fact she wants to see the daddy of her children is a good thing - it helps her marriage which will also help the kids!

I think it would be nice if we all tried to give each other the benefit of the doubt - specially when the person in question is our own sister...

[Jenlaana]

Is there something more going on that I am just not getting? I cant fathom being this angry about something like this? Yes, 3 weeks is a long time to be away from mom. But while children are very important, the family as a whole is important as well. My husband is the light of my life, my soulmate, my best friend... it would kill me to have him away from me for a year, and you can bet I'd be out there to visit him if I could... more than once if I could.

These children are not with a stranger. They are with their grandparents. If they are going to daycare during the day, then they will have that same setting when mom is gone that they have while she is here, giving them extra structure and normalacy. Even if not, as PPs have said, its a great way for them to bond w/ their grandparents.

When my DD was 16 mos, I went to Palm Springs w/ my husband on a business trip (his, not mine). I left my DD and my 12 yr old DS with my parents, in my home, for 5 days. (he was gone for 8 and i met him there) I almost did not go because I was afraid of how my daughter would be affected. I have to say that going was the best decision I ever made. My parents fell in love with their granddaughter, who they never really got to bond with. My son even elected to go back to Fla w/ my parents for another 3 weeks after DH and I got back. Leaving them together was a gift for my parents that I could have never imagined. And those 5 days with my husband were like another honeymoon for us. We got to really reconnect after the year of taking care of an infant and putting ourselves second to their needs. We fell in love all over again, and our relationship has been strong ever since we came back (that was in Feb) It was the healthiest thing I could do for all of us.

[fiddledebi]

I think parenting is full of lots of difficult decisions like this one -- but I agree with the posts that reminded us of how important it is to stay sane as a mom and to stay connected as a couple.

I also wanted to mention a friend of mine whose 18 month old son went for SIX WEEKS to stay alone with his grandparents half-way across the country. My friend and her DH, 5yo DD and 18mDS live in Wisconsin. DS had been sick with colds and ear infections (with tubes) for four straight months with no break. They went to visit her inlaws in California and he started to get better, so the inlaws offered to keep him there until their planned visit to Wisconsin six weeks later. My friend agreed and left her son (he wasn't nursing anymore), went home with her daughter and husband to her job (she owns her own bakery business). This little boy stayed with DOTING grandparents the whole time, got healthier, and came home happy.

Do I think it was the right thing to do? I honestly don't know. I think if I thought my child needed a change of climate to improve her health, I would probably find a way to make it happen with me there...but then again, my business is portable and my friend's is not. I think it was a really tough decision. I don't know how many iterations of options they went through before landing on this one -- but the kid was ok, I'll say that much. I think I probably wouldn't do it...but I also hope I'll never be faced with the choice.

I would like to hear what the OP has offered her little sister in terms of help this year. The only change I'd have made in the sister's plan was to stay at her parents' house for the four days before she leaves, to help acclimate her kids to the environment with her there, if possible. Still, what a tough decision. Again, I'm glad I didn't need to make it myself.

[Lovenest]

I am guessing this is not the only reason you are upset with them?
Maybe the sister is doing alot more "immature" stuff as she said and this is yet another time she is leaving the kids behind..

That said I can see both points on her not taking the kids. I am mostly thinking the dad would be missing out seeing the kids, but maybe financially they cant afford it or maybe the sister does not feel she can handle both kids in a different country.

whatever the reason I would try to help out the grandparents and maybe take them for a few days or even to the park a few times. Maybe you can make a bonding experience out of this?

I also dont think we should be beating up the mama who posted this, sounds like she is upset and maybe did not word everything right or explain. Most likely needs someone to listen not ask her what has she done for her sister..

[mamatowill]

My DH has worked overseas for 2.5 years now. He has been in the middle east and it was not family friendly. I have left my DS for a week every summer to go and visit my DH. Ds loved it! He stayed with doting grandparents and they spoiled him rotten. DH was somewhere he could be killed at any time and of course I went to see him and we could not afford to fly both DS and myself over. It was tough but DS has no ill effects from it. This summer I am bringing DS with me since it is a safer country and he absolutely adores his daddy but it was also a tough decision. I can understand why your sister is doing that. I have been there done that for over 2 years.

[shayinme]

Definitely sounds like there is more to this story than what was posted. However from what was posted there is nothing that would give me reason to say OMG, those poor babies.

For starters daycare is not always some evil thing and as someone who was a single Mama at 23 and worked ft, I can tell you that many times I left work early to get things done like grocery shopping and haircuts. Practically speaking it was a hell of a lot easier to get errands done sans son then bringing him along. I also know as a single parent, you take your breaks when you can since there is no partner coming home at 5 or 6 to help out and as we all know parenting doesn't just stop at 7 or 8 in the evening.

Seems to me this Mama is making the best choices she can with her resources, yes it would be great if the whole family could go see Daddy but my guess is its not practical for a variety of reasons. Now if Mom was leaving the kids and going off to the Carribean with friends while Dad is stationed in Korea that would be a whole other story. But a wife trying to stay connected with Dad isn't a bad thing and kids being left with grandparents isn't like she is leaving with them with some knuckleheads she met at the laudromat or something crazy.

However as others have asked what is the OP doing to help her sister during this time? I don't mean that in a snarky manner either just curious.

Shay

[MidwifeErika]

Sometimes parents need to leave their children for work or to make the family work.... and that is ok. If they are left in a loving place, they will be ok in the long run. If I was in that situtuation, I would send my children to my parents' home and go as well. We were almost in the oposite situation of that once.

Back when my oldest was a baby (she was just about 1), I was set to go on deployment for a year to Germany. Since I was National Guard rather than full time army, they wouldn't allow for my family to go with me. My husband was planning on sending DD to my parents' for a few weeks to come and visit me. I really wanted for both to make the trip, but it was going to be so expensive, we weren't sure if we would be able to manage it..... just DH visiting was going to be a huge stretch. The deployment ended up being called off, so in the end I didn't have to leave, but I can really feel for your sister's situation with her DH.

[mistymama]

Originally Posted by annabanana

am i the only one to think that grocery shopping with a parent, being included and part of the family, is more valuable and a better confidence builder, than playing in an institutional setting? we have fun grocery shopping together! most of the time.

Yes. I do not judge the other Mom for doing what she needs to .. but I certainly couldn't do it. My 4.5 year old son goes to preschool/daycare in the morning so I can WOH. It's the same price no matter when I pick him up, but I ALWAYS try to get him right after lunch, at noon. Sometimes I have to leave him through nap if I'm out with a client, but even then I'll get him by 1:30pm. At first, everyone kept acting like I was picking him up soooo early .. lots kids there have working parents who leave them from 8am to 6pm.

I'm sorry, I just can't do that. I pick him up as soon as I can, and we grocery shop and do errands together. I'd have him with me all day long if I could .. but he really enjoys the social interaction with other preschoolers. I just can't imagine leaving him ALL DAY LONG unless I seriously had no other choice.

[mamaduck]

I can't see a single thing to critisize about this mother's choices, not that its anyone's business to critisize in the first place. Taking a half a day every day to manage, coordinate a household and start up a business is reasonable. Taking advantage of an opportunity to see her husband, and taking advantage of loving grandparents for childcare, is reasonable. Plenty of grandparents are actively involved in raising their grandchildren -- its a very common and very healthy way to organize a family. Unless there is more to the story, this woman appears to be using the support that she has available to her.

[GalateaDunkel]

It would not be good for my and dh's marriage if we were together without our baby. We would just spend the time crying for her together.

[katheek77]

Originally Posted by Happy Becky

I just HAVE to post this....to vent or whatever! I just cannot fathom doing this myself!!

My sister is 23 and has a 3 yr old son and 18 mo. dd. It seems like my sister and brother-in-law wanted kids early and now that they have them, they're too immature to quit acting like dumb kids and like a real Mommy and Daddy. I don't know...

My brother-in-law is in Korea for one year...My nephew--3 yo-- had a VERY rough time with the transition to his Daddy being gone when he went to Korea in May. He's been acting up like crazy lately and I don't think my sister knows how to deal with him or discipline him lovingly so I think he's running amuck and I'm afraid for what this three week separation is going to do to him now!
!

First of all, I'm a military spouse, and I taught right off of a military base. EVERY SINGLE CHILD I knew who had a parent deploy, or do a tour in Korea, reacted in some unusual way. Many "acted up like crazy" and ran "amock"...at least for a few weeks or so. Those who didn't became uncharacterisitcally quiet and worried. The same held true when mom/dad came back. I had one little boy whose mom was in Korea for an unaccompanied tour. Dad warned me when Mom was visiting and also when Mom came home, because the kid was just "off". I had other students whose parents deployed/re-deployed from the Middle East. You can always tell...it has nothing to do with the job the parent at home is doing...even the "best-behaved" kids have issues when a parent deploys or redeploys.

It seems to me your sister is very mature, from what you've said. She's 23, taking care of two young children, running/building her own business, going to school, and managing a household and long-distance marriage pretty much on her own. If she takes a couple of hours a day extra to manage everything, more power to her for recognizing her for finding a solution. Some daycares are quite good, and some children thrive in it, regardless of what some of us like to think. (I say this as a SAHM, btw, and my DD's never been in day care, so I'm not pushing an agenda).

It sounds to me that you're not happy with the choices she's made in life (marrying and having kids early, perhaps BIL being in the miltiary, etc.). But, just because they're not your choices, doesn't mean she's "wrong". From what you've said it sounds like she's got her head on her shoulders, and is doing everything "right".

[Mom2Joseph]

Hugs. I saw in another post that you are struggling with PPD. Perhaps you are jealous that your sister gets "a break" for 3 weeks that you are not getting?

Your post does not describe immature people. Your sister is apparently making good, sound decisions based on her current abilities to handle her situation right now. And it sounds like she's doing a damn good job of it. I commend this woman for taking steps to care for herself, her marriage and her children by accepting help and finding creative solutions to make this horrid situation livable for a year.

[CaraNicole]

Originally Posted by 2lilsweetfoxes

>>please tell me where i said this mom was being selfish? i just asked why the kids couldn't go!

Maybe they cannot afford the $4500 average it would cost for three plane tickets (assuming they live near a major international hub such as New York, Los Angeles, Atlanta, or San Francisco) and buying mom's ticket is stretching their budget. I paid almost $3000 for a round trip ticket just for myself to go home to Oklahoma this weekend for a couple weeks. I am going to assume the children may not have passports and mom cannot wait to take the trip because of school or work committments.

Otherwise, if EFMP (Exceptional Family Member Program--the program for special needs family members of military servicemembers) could clear my autistic son to come to Korea, and he could get the therapies he requires here, I would have fought for a command sponsorship. And would stay until I was kicked out of the country. It is really nice and pretty child friendly. Just stay out of the bar district at night...

you still didn't answer where I SAID that ANYONE was selfish...i'm pretty sure it wasn't answered b/c I NEVER SAID IT, i usually don't make it a habit to call people i don't know names....

yeah i know a flight would expensive but, i was asking the op what sis's reason was...on price line the flight would be about 8,000 to go so of course i see THAT can be a factor, just like mom doesn't want them to go CAN be a factor. i can think up quite a few reasons why the kids aren't going but i was more intrested in the ops answer sorry...:

Originally Posted by nicole lisa

I didn't confuse that. It was JustJamie who answered the question why the kids couldn't go with mom and I re-posted it as it seems you missed it. JustJamie isn't the OP but she knows about deployment to Korea and was able to clear up why the kids aren't going with mom, aside from the extravagant expense for a military family with a family member in school..

not to my satisfaction she wasn't able to clear it up, i wanted the ops answer....

Originally Posted by nicole lisa

I did get your post and you seem to be assuming this mom isn't there for her kids or there EXTRA. You wrote you think they need their mom more now and I'm just arguing the idea that she isn't there more for them now. And even if she isn't every day all day neither are any of us. If we're honest none of us are there 100% for our kid
..s all the time but we love them and care for them as best as we can at the time. And there's nothing wrong with that. It wasn't just your post either, but the ones earlier saying the kids don't need to be in care and that it's heartbreaking etc. Yours was just another one showing very little support for what is, I'm sure, a very tough situation for this woman and her family and one I'm glad I have the luxury to not be in..

actually i'm not showing this woman ANYTHING b/c i haven't talked to her and i'm pretty sure i never will...i showed THE WOMAN WHO POSTED support b/c she sure wasn't getting much on this thread...she said she was venting so i would think that people could be nicer. but who am i kidding mdc is a snark fest these days : ...never said the mom wasn't there for her kids, but she is going to be gone alot soon....kids in daycare all day, going to see someone for 4days before being w/the GP's for two weeks...yeah my kid wouldn't be away from me for that long...but like i said i gave my OPINION, i know it's different from many on this thread but i'm curious why you two are picking apart my opinion? by all means you can continue this picking apart but it isn't going to change...

Originally Posted by nicole lisa

She is spending EXTRA time with her babes. She's spending a great more deal unsupported time than most parents. She's parenting all on her own while missing her spouse and doing everything else that needs doing (school, house, business etc). My guess is she's taking on way more than I am and my son's with me every day all day. But I get the option of going out for a walk when BF gets home, or seeing a movie with friends, or having a bath uninterrupted or just sitting down and letting BF do the bedtime stuff or read to DS. I also have the luxury of knowing how BF is doing simply by looking in his eyes when he walks through the door.

well yeah this your opinion of how a family should be(please notice how i'm not picking yours apart) mine is the kid (s) are with mom 99.9% of the day(dad can join in at anytime)...that's just how i roll and all... or atleast my ds he just wants momma 99.9% of the time...

eta* i don't know if this is going to sound rude but it's not ment to be*

[tessandturtle]

Originally Posted by JustJamie

Would you prefer she take these two kids with her to Korea? (international travel involves ALL kinds of fun stuff - passports for both kids, both kids would be required to have ticketed seats, so that just tripled the cost of the flight, not to mention the stress of 2 small kids on a flight that long by herself...)

IMO, I don't see what she's doing is wrong or bad, and my heart is NOT breaking for her kids. They get to spend 3 fun weeks with Grandma and Grandpa!!!

To be honest, if my husband were sent to Korea for a year, I'd be leaving my kids with their grandparents so I could visit him, too.

It sounds to me like you have no concept of what it's really like to have your spouse deployed for a year, and left to manage 2 kids on your own. You don't feel comfortable with married couples, cause your partner isn't with you, and you're not welcome amongst single parents because you have the audacity to still be married...never mind that you have this constant nagging fear in the back of your mind that you may never see your spouse alive again, and how would you explain to your kids that their mommy/daddy is never coming home?

IMO, if you're sad about your niece/nephew staying with their grandparents for 3 weeks, offer to watch them for a week - or just butt out.

ETA: Korea is not an official combat zone, but it is considered a hardship/dangerous tour, which is why families aren't allowed to accompany their soldiers there. Not "officially" a war zone, but close enough that I don't want my kids near a military base there.

:

Deployments are really hard on marriages, even good ones. If two weeks together is what they need to make it work (and the kids are staying with family who love them, not a kennel ), then good for them.
Also, military salaries don't really provide the extra cash to take a family of three on an overseas vacation.