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Sister leaving 2 little ones for 3 weeks!! - Page 3

post #41 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by nicole lisa View Post

Neither times were myself or BF neglecting to be parents. And when he decided to add DS to our lives it wasn't to drop everything and be M-O-M-M-Y and D-A-D-D-Y and in fact as the mother of a son it's even more important to me that DS not see me as someone who put her whole life on hold to parent him, without accepting help from family, friends and community, and to the detriment of myself and exclusion of my needs. Too many men in our culture have been raised to believe it is a woman's job to put his needs first and I don't feel the need to perpetuate that. That's not healthy or balanced. But living consensually is really important to us and that means we all work together to make sure we're all getting what we need.
post #42 of 176
Well, I guess we know why the village isn't helping us to raise our kids when people get worked up over children staying for a few weeks with extended family.
post #43 of 176
what about those of use who don't want/need the village? not to be rude but my village stinks and i would rather they not be involved! it's not a bad statement for those who want/need/like the village, but for the ones who don't we need a disclaimer*
post #44 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaraNicole View Post
what about those of use who don't want/need the village? not to be rude but my village stinks and i would rather they not be involved! it's not a bad statement for those who want/need/like the village, but for the ones who don't we need a disclaimer*
And those who DO need the support of the village - including extended FAMILY shouldn't be critised for using it.
post #45 of 176
I think its really important to look at the alternatives when judging someone else's decisions. For example, regarding all day in daycare when only 1/2 day is really "needed" according to the OP. Is the mom able to parent effectively and well for the other half of the day? Would the kids be hit or ignored or spend the afternoon watching inappropriate TV? Not everyone is cut out to be 24/7 moms. I work, largely so that I get a break from the kids for part of the day. Without this (and I recently tried a whole year as a SAHM) I become a screaming witch mom by mid-afternoon. So my kids are infinitely better at preschool, in all honesty, than they are with me.

The same for the trip to Korea. Better to leave the children or take them? That's an individual decision -- I would be very uncomfortable taking my children on such a trip, even without looking at the impact that much less adult to adult time might have on the marriage.

I always like to assume that the parents are doing the best they can to make good decisions for their family in their specific situation. If they are people who are close to me and I can see alternatives that they might not have noticed, I will sometimes voice those observations. And there are, of course, inexcusable decisions. But these don't seem that way to me so, absent other information, I'd be inclined to say that they are good people doing the best they can.
post #46 of 176
I'm with those who don't see an "OMG those poor babies" in this situation at all. My DP is a licensed massage therapist, and cultivating a clientele base is indeed a very important part of getting a new practice up and going.

And quite frankly, when I was a single mama to my DD, there have been a couple of different times when she only "needed" to be in dc for half a day, but I left her there for the whole day. When I was dancing, for example, and my income depended on my appearance, I left her in dc so I could tan and get manicures and get my hair done and work out at the gym. On the surface, seems ridiculously selfish, and trust me, my time to get those things done never went unappreciated. I loved being able to spoil myself a little - but it truly was a business expense - and I had plenty of guilt to go along with it that I was leaving DD in dc during that time.

More recently, I worked from 6a until 230p. DP gets off work at 5. DD's naptime at DC is until 330 - am I supposed to go WAKE her UP from naptime to bring her home after I get off work? And then after their naptime is her FAVORITE TIME of the whole day - outside play. She'd pitch a fit (and has, the few times I've done it) if I picked her up early.

My other personal beef with the OP is the idea that leaving your kids for such a length of time as 3 WEEKS!!! is a horrible horrible offense. My DD had just turned 3 when I went to Canada for over a month. She stayed with her grandparents, and I checked myself into rehab.

Was it the best thing for our family? Yes, by far. I hope there aren't people out there judging me for that choice, but I'm sure there are.
post #47 of 176
I'm one of the few who thinks that's sad, too. For an 18 MONTH old, mom leaving for 3 weeks is, I imagine, pretty traumatic. I have a baby the same age and I left him overnight once and he was obviously traumatized by it, and very clingy/untrusting of us for a while after that. And he's extremely verbal for his age. Sure, for my 4.5 yr. old, a 3 week trip to grandma's MIGHT be tons of fun (I'm not going to try) but for an 18 mo. old, it's the end of the world and I feel it could cause longterm attachment problems.
About the daycare, I'm not one to criticize parents who need it, but I don't understand choosing full-time daycare so you don't have to take the kids to the grocery store.
post #48 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by hottmama View Post
I'm one of the few who thinks that's sad, too. For an 18 MONTH old, mom leaving for 3 weeks is, I imagine, pretty traumatic. I have a baby the same age and I left him overnight once and he was obviously traumatized by it, and very clingy/untrusting of us for a while after that. And he's extremely verbal for his age. Sure, for my 4.5 yr. old, a 3 week trip to grandma's MIGHT be tons of fun (I'm not going to try) but for an 18 mo. old, it's the end of the world and I feel it could cause longterm attachment problems.
About the daycare, I'm not one to criticize parents who need it, but I don't understand choosing full-time daycare so you don't have to take the kids to the grocery store.
My kids had no problem whatsoever with overnights at 18 months. They weren't traumatized at all, just had a ball with their cousins. It didn't cause any attachment problems either. I guess every child is different, and who better than the mother to know how her own child will react?
post #49 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by hottmama
About the daycare, I'm not one to criticize parents who need it, but I don't understand choosing full-time daycare so you don't have to take the kids to the grocery store.



But you have a loving partner to trade off with if need be. Is there never a time you feel the need to be out by yourself to just get something done? Ever a need for some time to just breathe? My guess if you ever have those times your partner takes care of the kids. The OP's sister doesn't have that and on top of that she's most likely missing and worrying about her partner. DS is with me all day (we unschool too) but I'm not sure I'd make it if I was facing a year without time by myself to run errands after I'd completed my own schooling and tried to find some clients.
post #50 of 176
Wow, the level of judgment being laid against the OP's sister, including by the OP, makes me sad. : God forbid any of you should ever be in her position, separated from her DH, wondering if she'll even see him alive again, raising her kids on her own while her DH is in the military serving his country, doing her best as far as I can tell to hold her family and her marriage together.
post #51 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
My kids had no problem whatsoever with overnights at 18 months. They weren't traumatized at all, just had a ball with their cousins. It didn't cause any attachment problems either. I guess every child is different, and who better than the mother to know how her own child will react?
My DD had no problem with overnights at 18 months either. She also had a great time with her aunt and 3 cousins, all of whom she adores. We had no attachment issues either. We have not yet left 2 year old DS overnight, but that is not because he could not handle it. I actually think he would get a big kick out of going to grandma's house for a night w/o mom and dad. However, he is a rambunctious kid and it has never seemed fair to the grandparents or aunt to expect them to chase after him, so we have not yet asked.
post #52 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post
Well, I guess we know why the village isn't helping us to raise our kids when people get worked up over children staying for a few weeks with extended family.

:
post #53 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2Joseph View Post
I saw in another post that you are struggling with PPD. Perhaps you are jealous that your sister gets "a break" for 3 weeks that you are not getting?
That's a good point.
post #54 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaydee View Post
OP, I'm curious...what help have you offered her during this difficult time?
BINGO!
post #55 of 176
You know, I can see the OP's point. I would have trouble leaving my kids for 3 weeks too. But upon reading all these responses, I can see that this probably was a difficult choice for her sister to make. And hopefully the OP will see that too.

I also have done the whole "How can she have her kids in daycare that long?" thing. But I have realized I *am* a little envious sometimes of those mothers who have someone to watch the kids while they go to the store, get their hair cut, etc. So I just try not to judge. I'm not always successful, but I try.

Our grocery store here has free babysitting while you shop. Maybe I'm being selfish by dropping my kids off there while I get a cup of coffee and wander aimlessly around the store for about 30 min longer than I need to. I guess I'm depriving them of the "grocery shopping with mom" experience. Oh well, I think they'll live!
post #56 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindberg99 View Post
Our grocery store here has free babysitting while you shop. Maybe I'm being selfish by dropping my kids off there while I get a cup of coffee and wander aimlessly around the store for about 30 min longer than I need to.
Sounds good to me! Contrary to others, I don't like taking DS grocery shopping with me. It's a horrible experience for both of us.

He prefers to stay home with DH and play with his cars,trains and trucks.

That's meeting *his* needs.
post #57 of 176
[QUOTE]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azuralea View Post
Wow, the level of judgment being laid against the OP's sister, including by the OP, makes me sad.
frankly, i am more shocked by the level of judgement laid against the OP. she came here to vent her frustration and helplessness. maybe there is more to the issue, maybe not, but she clearly stated she needed to rant. the OP's sister's difficult situation aside, the OP is frustrated that children so young are being left without their mother for 3 weeks. and these are the children who are already traumatised by their father being away, and by the new daycare.

i do believe her sister is being immature. yes, it is difficult to be away from your partner, but she is a military wife, and she knew what she was going to face. as an adult she can work on her relationship with dh over the emails and phonecalls, and can delay gratification of seeing him. her 18 months old child doesn't have this benefit. even if he is left with loving grandparents, it is not the same as having his mommy when needed. i think going away for 3 weeks is excrutiatinly long, unfair to the children, and ultimately an immature, selfish decision.

i can't believe how many here say that it approaches normal to leave such young children for 3 weeks, with no ill effects for the children.
post #58 of 176
[quote=annabanana;8662677]
Quote:

frankly, i am more shocked by the level of judgement laid against the OP. she came here to vent her frustration and helplessness. maybe there is more to the issue, maybe not, but she clearly stated she needed to rant. the OP's sister's difficult situation aside, the OP is frustrated that children so young are being left without their mother for 3 weeks. and these are the children who are already traumatised by their father being away, and by the new daycare.

i do believe her sister is being immature. yes, it is difficult to be away from your partner, but she is a military wife, and she knew what she was going to face. as an adult she can work on her relationship with dh over the emails and phonecalls, and can delay gratification of seeing him. her 18 months old child doesn't have this benefit. even if he is left with loving grandparents, it is not the same as having his mommy when needed. i think going away for 3 weeks is excrutiatinly long, unfair to the children, and ultimately an immature, selfish decision.

i can't believe how many here say that it approaches normal to leave such young children for 3 weeks, with no ill effects for the children.


post #59 of 176
I'll chime in with "Those poor babies!"

I'll also chime in with "That poor mother!"

Another chime: "That poor father!"

Say it with me--"That poor family!"

The OP says her sis and bil are acting immature and not like mommies and daddies. Daddy is in the military, deployed to a hostile place, supporting his family financially. Mom is working PT, going to school (to better her family, I'd guess), raising her children and running the house while her husband is away fro 12 months....Hmmm...

That sounds pretty mature and responsible to me!

Goody for those of you who don't need the villiage. You truly are lucky. Not everyone has this privilege. Yes, I'm sure it's traumatic for both children to be away from their mother for so long. But we don't know her situation. Could their marriage be seriously stressed and this could be the saving grace? (Divorce can be pretty traumatic as well). She's not going to Hawaii for some R&R, she's going to Korea to see her dh!

And as many other's have said--the kids will be with family for crying out loud. Family! How many cultures, how many generations have left their children with family while they...went hunting...went out to sea...went to a new territory to set up a home...went to a new country to start a life?

I'm curious about those of you have said "Those poor babies!" and judged this mother--how many of you are SINGLE MOTHERS? Or do many of you have a DP/DH coming home most nights/weekends to lighten the load-maybe run some errands, maybe rub your back a little, play with the kids while you do the dishes or nap? To offer some socialization, some sex, some love, some support, some sanity? Think about that, and how lucky you are, before you decide how bad or good a mother this woman is.
post #60 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post

I'm curious about those of you have said "Those poor babies!" and judged this mother--how many of you are SINGLE MOTHERS? Or do many of you have a DP/DH coming home most nights/weekends to lighten the load-maybe run some errands, maybe rub your back a little, play with the kids while you do the dishes or nap? To offer some socialization, some sex, some love, some support, some sanity? Think about that, and how lucky you are, before you decide how bad or good a mother this woman is.
Well said!

DH is going to go away to lead a summer camp for 2 weeks next Saturday.
It is so hard... I am not looking forward to it. And then I remind myself of how lucky I am: it is only two weeks in a whole year!

I can't imagine what it is like to be a single mom, or a mom whose husband is deployed for months and months!! Women like that have my full admiration and I am in awe of their strength.
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