Neither times were myself or BF neglecting to be parents. And when he decided to add DS to our lives it wasn't to drop everything and be M-O-M-M-Y and D-A-D-D-Y and in fact as the mother of a son it's even more important to me that DS not see me as someone who put her whole life on hold to parent him, without accepting help from family, friends and community, and to the detriment of myself and exclusion of my needs. Too many men in our culture have been raised to believe it is a woman's job to put his needs first and I don't feel the need to perpetuate that. That's not healthy or balanced. But living consensually is really important to us and that means we all work together to make sure we're all getting what we need.